There is a big difference between being spanked for fun or discipline in my friendships and relationships and what I do as a model. It’s not about the actually limits, because on film I have been spanked just as hard and ‘for real’, but it’s about professional boundaries…. “Boundaries huh?, I say aloud to myself. Aren’t they the fundamental conversation basis of all consensual spanking/BDSM relationships?” Yes..and No. I hate boundaries in my personal relationships but once I’m in one i don’t want a choice, but as a spanking model boundaries keep me safe.
In my personal life, anyone I call ‘Sir’ is in charge of me and he makes the rules. Sure, when we are playing early on or dating and we have to talk about likes/dislikes/deal breakers and limits then I have my say. Once we have passed the road test/mutual audition and I know what he has and he knows what I have and where I am, then I expect to be taught HIS way. If there is not that chemistry then it ends there, although for the past few years I have got this wrong more than once when either one of us has tried to turn it into a match, when I should have been braver and trusted my faithful gut and walked. That is a compromise, I will never do that again, it is a waste of my precious time on this planet and I am not grown up enough to decide what to do. This is the biggest discovery and lesson I’ve learned well since I stopped being a professional. I’m pretty immature and emotionally vulnerable, so I can’t lead anything, he has to have that experience or I feel confused and scared and very unsure if he dithers or keeps asking me how I feel and if it’s “hard enough”, or asking me to suggest reasons why i need to be spanked. I have never been a player, I have only known domestic discipline and being in the control of a mentor/teacher type who is authoritative naturally. In fact I have only tried the concept of “play’ quite recently outside of professionally so I have to treat it the same, it’s a role, but I will still enjoy it and give my best but on a surface level.
In my professional life, I’m in charge and I decide what the boundaries are. I can play the role requested, and in most cases I am being my authentic self depending on the role, but I am monitoring all of it in my head and staying safe and as committed as I can be with a stranger. It’s pretty much the same at parties, I cannot give any more of myself as I won’t trust anyone I may never see again. ‘Play’ for me is the same as what i do as a professional, I stay in control and will never go into any total ‘space’ as its too risky for me and I am not adult enough to cope if it goes somewhere that makes me emotional. Professionally, we sit down and talk about the route through the time together and my aim is to meet his needs, not mine, although if I am ever asked I will say so. Some people don’t need a role play or scene, but I prefer this as a way in but never want to talk about my ‘needs’ if it means I might be compromised. So, it’s strictly professional but I always hope to get on well and make a new friend through it. If I get hit too hard then I say so, I’m in character but not out of giving consent outside of a typical role play and usual ‘play’ limits. I have been spanked hard at parties in the US and on one occasion would have liked to have carried on and arranged to meet again, but my professional head stayed on and I wanted to enjoy the rest of the party rather than being worn out. Party play limits are no different, and unless we dramatically drop into something more deep and personal without a script then I have to keep my third eye.
OMG this sounds like I’m setting ground rules and advertising my services, but no, really its all about how I am able to switch myself on and off again. I am glad I can be that brave again because I lost that, and my wonderfully clear line between real and party/casual/professional play got blurred so I ran away. This time I’m fighting to look after myself, and not get involved in anything that is way bigger than I can handle. Little girls don’t do drama or complications, they just like to dream, act, have oodles of fun and love and be looked after and I’m exactly the same. But my big girl head is on again as Emma Bishop when I’m acting professionally, and that will protect me again in my personal life like it used to.
Personal = could go anywhere
Professional = stays in a small circle.
Since I stopped working as a spanking model about a year ago, although I closed down my website and blogs around 2016, I’ve never stopped being involved in the scene. I’m much happier back here now and will say and write what the hell I want, outside of any personal rules I have again to stop me upsetting too many people or being too cheeky or bratty online, or staying up past my bedtime!. My parents aren’t in here and I don’t have a Sir/Mentor/Disciplinarian right now so I will do my best not to get banned or burn myself out, which is my usual problem! My rock isn’t here any more to proof read and author my writing for typos and use his “legendary pedantry” (thanks Ellen Mae Davis) on me again, so I will do my best by myself. Discretion will always be assured, and no laundry airing of course just like I never ever did in the original ‘Bishy’s blog’ and ‘The Unsecret Diaries of Emma Bishop’. You have my word I will TRY and be a good girl 🙂
So what will I do? I will write about everything that comes into my head again, from my personal thoughts and feelings and experiences, implements or scenarios, to occasional topics of the day mixed in. I will try not to be nostalgic because I live in the present and want to be as good as my next challenge, not live off my past achievements. Until now I couldn’t write like this since i stopped blogging as Emma Bishop. I was always worried about what ‘people’ and those who knew me since would think, but I lost who I was. I wrote and scrapped hundreds of thoughts, posted and took down musings in seconds that took me an hour to write, and I felt trapped. I may run out of material, and new projects may not come along as easily or early as I hope but I will keep it going, even if it is to throw a tantrum about something!
I’m a ‘middle’ pretty much all the time in my real life and in my head, which means I identify as being around 14 years old, although my Daddy say’s i’m more like 9 and just trying to act older! Middles can pretty much be anywhere from 9 to 15 and I’m often very teenage and curious and aks alots of questions. It is so hard acting like an adult every day but i know I’m acting. I’m not crazy or deluded and its kinda complicated in a medical way but it’s just how I am. I need 9 hours sleep and early bedtimes, but I’m rubbish at keeping to rules and curfews so I get spanked lots and lots. I love little things too, have over 25 bears and my favourite books are the Alice Miranda series by Jacqueline Harvey. I also do other things and am very musical so I have to work on a major project which I am doing alongside this to keep me away from kink a bit!. I’m home again, I am me again, this is who I am and I’m staying right here 🙂