To be or not to be?

Whilst I’m out of spanking action until around May, ironically I’m getting more messages that usual about sessions and I’ve had to cancel some things. It’s utterly angsty having to say “no”, and sit and watch all the fun from the sidelines like a crocked athlete 😦

This week I was invited to attend a school role play event coming up, but was asked not to tell the other pupils I was a ‘professional’ model. I said “No” and not just because I’m injured. As insurance in my reply I deliberately made sure I would not be booked by playing my Prima Donna card.

I’m not an exhibitionist and I’m more shy than people know in some group situations where people may still recognise me, so I can’t pretend and put the genie back in the bottle. I sometimes get embarrassed to be recognised even though it can be flattering, but not in vanillaland. Like at my unisex hair salon when I was busy as a model the first time around, where a guy in another chair told my hairdresser he ‘knew’ me and I was a “famous” spanking model. My (vanilla I think) hairdresser teases me to this day and always asks “have you been behaving yourself Emma? ” when I sit in the chair and look in the mirror at him coyly biting my bottom lip. Anyway, at this particular open school event I alluded to above I didn’t want to feel awkward if I became a distraction, so I declined in case I was. I doubt I would have been the centre of attention anyway, but I never want to risk being it.

In some scene open party events, and particularly at long-stay parties, I’m not that confident and sometimes hide in my room and don’t feel good enough to mingle and play publicly. I hate the thought I’m competing and being compared, and I go into a shell and get nervous about myself and how I look. It’s never about looks it’s about how I feel. I would feel the same about myself even if I was a Kardashian or looked like a zillion dollars. One day I don’t want to feel like that, but I don’t know how to get over self defeating and putting myself down. I used to be spanked for ‘self deprecation’ once and had it in my rules, but I don’t have any rules right now so the fight with myself goes on.

I’m not a big ‘player’ by nature so I’m not unhappy at all if I don’t get asked to play much, so I will just drink juice and socialise and I’m happy to catch up with friends. If I am asked to play and I have the right feeling and it’s in a corner or private-ish area somewhere then I often say “yes” or will play brat poker a bit to test their resolve :). If I say ‘No” I usually mean it, unless I lied to avoid stepping on anyone else’s toes. If I say “later”, “not now” or “maybe” then I mean “don’t ask me again I will find you if or when I want to play”. Take me to a bedroom though at a large party alone, or in a shared room with another girl who is also getting spanked the other side and I’m fine. I don’t know why I don’t do larger groups, I am just not as confident as I am when I’m going as ‘Emma Bishop, spanking model’, where I totally am on a high and feel I can do anything. I will dine or drink with anyone and can stand up and speak to big groups and do professional spanking parties well as a model, where I may be spanked in demos and by all the guests. I know I can look OK-ish and perform well and I will want to be the best I can be and I don’t care. I love that kind of stage and I feel relaxed and at home. But me as ‘me’ at a non professional party or event I’m involved with helping to organise, and I’m far more private and self conscious, because of all the things I have said before in other posts.

When someone has taken me to an open party before  and I’ve been in their care then I have felt normal, because I’m with an adult. I have felt good about myself and loved it, as I have been warned I will be spanked in front of other people if I misbehave, or sent to one of their friends, or spanked “just because”. That’s different though cos I felt safe and protected and I know I don’t have a say and I’d given my consent by being with them. If I just go with a friend and they clear off and leave me or ignore me for long periods then I will hide in the corner again and not play much.

In films and 121’s and at professional parties I always feel good enough. I go to all Girls schools events (in the US at parties) and it’s mixed teaching staff (although I don’t mind which gender the staff are, they are all my teachers). I am not a fan of mixed gender school events or BDSM, and I have my reasons, preferences, and right to exercise my personal choice just like anyone else. I have nothing against anybody’s leanings and motivations, I just know what makes me comfortable and what makes me embarrassed to have to watch if I don’t want to.

I always wanted to go to an all girls Grammar school like my Mother, but I couldn’t. I have gradually (to my surprise) recently looked back on and appreciated female teachers more as they were sometimes even stricter with me than men, but I never knew that then and thought too hard about it before. In fact one of my best adult school teachers was a lady who I had/still have complete respect for and the right amount of real tummy butterflies fear, that this 14 year old real me does, even if my own head was in a mess at that time. The subject of being spanked by females (which has not been very often) and how I feel now, and how curious I am about things I’m rubbish at expressing I may write more in another post sometime and even talk about my time in virtual Aristasia.

My Disciplinarians and relationships have been with men 95% of the time as I’m wired that way and get those feels, but now I am not 100% sure because there may be barriers in my head and I don’t know why. Some experiences I had in the past I didn’t expect or want to have when I was already in a M/F D/s relationship, so I freaked out at myself and may have been in denial a bit, when I might have actually had the time and experience of my life. I remember being on an amazing high once after being spanked for two hours by a switchy female friend at a party, but then running for the hills the next day, crying and crashing out of the scene for ages and beating myself up with confusion because I had feelings for her.

To end where I started this post, I just wish that sometimes people will get that I’m not mercenary as a model, and the reason I may do any of this professionally is not what they expect. The reason why I do all of this personally is the reason I feel most alive.

My lesson in secrets

My blog this time is a mixed bag. I will bullet point a few things without the gory details as it’s been a scary difficult time, but I have hopes I can be totally fixed soon for the first time in two years. 

  • I was taken to hospital and they found I had a small bowel obstruction. I was in for 8 days and had an operation and it’s all OK now but I have a scar to heal. I can’t be across anyone’s knee for 3 to 4 months which will take me up to May/June, just in time for summer and the party season, although I may not be able to attend for other reasons. I’ve had to let people know who wanted a session with me that I’m out of the scene for a while, but that side of my life is well in the back of my mind. Being in hospital made me think a lot about my entire life, so I will decide on what I want to do when I am better.
  • Alongside this I’ve had a problem with fatigue and neurological problems for 2 years. I’ve seen lots of Doctors and finally they have sent me for more blood tests, rather then looking into my eyes and asking me to balance on one leg, which is all normal, so hopefully they can find out what the underlying problem is. I’ve had it since I went to the jungle near Cancun in December 2017. It may be a coincidence but I got bitten by bugs and may have caught a bacterial infection, in which case it can perhaps be cured by antibiotics. I hope it is something like that and nothing more worrying, but right now I’m waiting for news and trying not to worry.

On reading.. 

I’ve never been a good reader unless there is a purpose or reason for it. I was asked if I’d read Niki Flynn’s ‘Dances with Werewolves’ book and it prompted me to write a long reply, but reading is such a big bug bear for me that there was enough for a whole blog post!. I downloaded ‘Dances with Werewolves’ a while ago but I’m a terrible reader and started the first chapters and never finished. I skipped through and got the gist, but if I have hours to read it means hours of not doing the zillion other things like playing piano and guitar and writing songs so I give up. I am rubbish at keeping to a timed schedule on my own and get distracted too much, story of my life! An Uncle did make me read a book once (‘Tess of the Durbervilles’ ) and I loved it. I cried in the final chapter, but I needed the threat of the cane to read it during my visits to him. I did read Madonna’s life story on a flight to Australia but that was relevant, and i was trapped on a plane!

I’m still reading ‘A Lesson in Secrets’ by Jacqueline Winspear but as I’m also an actress I like to read it aloud and play all the characters. Michael used to do that with me when I was learning lines for Theatre and auditions and it was fun. If it was a comedy and I corpsed (as he called it) I got the cane! I’m pursuing my so many things right now all in the ‘entertainment’ field so reading for fun in spare time is almost impossible. I did listen to the audio book of Keith Richards ‘Life’ when I had laser eye surgery two years ago and was staying in London and had to rest my eyes. That was amazing, and what a life and interesting man, but perhaps it was because it was music and real life that I could relate to again and use as inspiration? I like to read factual things so I spend hours on Google and Wiki, and watch historical documentaries. I’ve always been a girl who wants it all now and quick, so I will choose to watch the film every time, rather than trawling through a book and being bored. The only exception to that was Ishiguro’s ‘Never let me Go’ where I read the book first (under the threat of spankings again) and enjoyed it more than the film.

I was the same at school, sometimes I wanted to fast forward the teachers and get to the point of it all and how I could use it in real life. I was sent out of the class a few times for giggling and not paying attention, plus I was bullied so I couldn’t wait to leave. When I left school I chose what I wanted to learn, and although I did it the long way and spent evenings in further education I ended up with some great qualifications. I have to get something tangible out of activities that I can use to take me forward, or at least the potential for it or I don’t do it. That’s how I lead my life. Oops, I’m giving away a few secrets!

Spanking is the same. Unless I’m doing professional work there has to be a purpose. It has to go somewhere or take me somewhere where I can soak it up like a sponge and use it, so ‘play’ is not something I’m used to if it goes nowhere so it’s a bit like reading. I’m an ENTJ (Myers Briggs personality type) but that’s another story. However it might explain why I’m driven by results and need results and a sense of achievement, rather than caring about my feelings. I have grown to learn that sometimes I have not behaved too well with hurting other people’s feelings. I expect adults to be strong and have all the answers, and not weak and sensitive. But the world has changed so I’ve realised I need to allow for people that are. I have the same issue with Switches, I never got the theory before that you can be a bit of both D and s, but I’ve learned to be more understanding and accepting. I have let a few Switches spank me for fun, probably because I know its safe and goes nowhere, because I will never spank anyone so I won’t be enough for them. I’ve made some lovely friends and its made me a better person by knowing them and I’m happy to hear they have fun and get what they need.

I have only met a few people who can handle how complex I am, discipline me, and teach me things to match my sense of adventure, but can also slow me down and keep me grounded and healthy. That takes someone special and I was lucky enough to have a mentor who I was with for years, until I wanted more. He was a teacher and academic and we met by chance. He was an expert disciplinarian and not even in the ‘scene’ so he wasn’t going round offering services to other girls, he was just there for me and devoted hours to managing my development. I was like a very young girl then, and didn’t realise how lucky I was until I joined the scene. Then I saw how different that was and more of a scene playing game to most people with rules and discussions, and not real domestic discipline what I was brought up with when I was with him. Discipline went somewhere and I learned and grew, play doesn’t take me anywhere. The problem I have is I couldn’t compartmentalise like him and most Mentor/Disciplinarian adults can in the scene, because my brain is not mature enough. I won’t put any kind of fence or limits around my authentic self and my emotions and feelings once I’m in and I can’t lie and put up with situations that don’t make me happy. Isn’t that the same as any typical teenager?

My teenage self wants to do it all, but life is short and the scene is a minefield so I don’t have time to suffer fools or waste my time on things that go nowhere. I was the same at school, I liked practical things like art, cooking, drama and music. If someone can show me how reading fiction or spanking play can take me somewhere, or how to temper my enthusiasm with results, and also love me and nurture me to be my best for them and myself, then I may listen and want to learn and stay for the long haul 😊 

Sick girl and no sign of spankings in sight

Bishy’s blog today comes from hospital. I’ve had what my GP thought was gastro enteritis since Friday with tummy ache and vomiting. In fact my last meal was Friday so as I write I’ve had no food in a week and very little liquid.

It became more worrying in the early hours of Monday this week when I was coughing up horrid stuff. First thing Tuesday morning my GP had read my messages, seen the uploaded photos from me and sent me to hospital in an ambulance.

Tuesday night I was having surgery on an obstruction in my small bowel. Luckily they did not have to remove anything but just untangle it but it means I have very large scar in my lower abdomen below my belly bottom…which of course means no going over anyone’s knee for probably lots of months. I’ve not looked into the cause of this but who’s to say it wasn’t spanking related.

I’m hoping to sit up in a chair today but until I can start eating again I will be here, probably a few more days. I can only have clear liquids today and my tummy is hard and bloated in shock after surgery. Had a warm cup of black tea with sugar and it was heaven, times like this make you appreciate. I have a tube inside my body to feed me some nutrients that can be used if needed when I’m discharged.

I’ve been scared as hell but it’s all a day at a time stuff and new territory for me. Nothing matters more than my health for a while, and my US trips feel a long way away right now, but I will survive

No More Drama

I appear in a forthcoming film for Red Moon Rising called ‘No More Drama’ which will be on their website soon. I looked and felt terrible traveling down three hours on trains and had no intention of being in a film, but just hiding behind the camera and making tea. I was tired, no sleep for days and a mess, and think I looked it in the film too.

I was only supposed to be director and camera crew for this film but both of the models booked didn’t show (don’t get me started on how I feel about some so called ‘models’)! I had to quickly write a new scene on the spot while my well known co-star was standing there probably frustrated and thinking we are amateurs, after probably looking forward to spanking two visually lovely models. I had to act in the film, and direct it with one cameraman who had to be a contortionist, in the tiniest room ever totally unsuitable for film with no proper film lighting. I was stressed having to do three of four things at once, but we made a film and didn’t want to waste the day, even if it might be career suicide for me!

Luckily I had the kit of school uniforms with me for the other girls so I put one on. I already had deep bruises on my bottom from being caned and slippered by my Daddy at the time days before, so everything hurt at least twice as much and I should not have been working at all. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. The film is called ‘No More Drama’ and will be available at www.redmoonrisingmedia.com very soon but I don’t ever want to see it again.

It began in an AirBnB

I’ve invested almost 6 months so far working with Red Moon Rising Media. Initially I was approached to just appear in some films as a model, but the situation changed and I’ve been totally involved in contributing many of my ideas; as a spanking model/actress, graphics and media creator, scriptwriter, film director, camera person, website and marketing planner. It has taken up hours of my time and I’m glad it is almost in place and the site can launch shortly. I did actually write a blog post for the Red Moon Rising Media site but decided that having a blog there is not so important for now.

So that it’s not wasted I will publish the blog post I wrote there, as it tells of how I got into it and explains how hard it has been for me to carry on with it, since my relationship with my Daddy that came out of it ended abruptly and left me floundering for months.

It Began in an AirBnB

One afternoon there were two men, and two girls who arrived late for a spanking film shoot in a rented apartment. On the way was a well-known spanking model who was approached to join a start-up spanking website project, her name was Emma Bishop. We will let Emma describe the scene and her first impressions and thoughts….

“I arrived early (I’m always early or on time and never late) and called Mr P, one of the managers, on my mobile. I was standing outside of a row of block of flats and my Uber driver had dropped me at the wrong block, or else the instructions I was given weren’t that clear. Mr P said he would be “down in a minute” as he was dealing with two naughty girls who had arrived an hour late. My first thoughts were that maybe these are amateur hobbyists, making the usual free spanking and pirate video ‘tube’ stuff in dodgy fluorescently lit hotel rooms and it was all going to be a huge waste of time. I said I would come along to see how they work and if there was any time left I would perhaps do some test scenes.

After 5 minutes or so of pacing around with my overnight bag full of toys and outfits in case I was needed, Mr P called me back and came downstairs to meet me outside. These things always feel a bit ‘cloak and dagger’, like spanking 121 meetings with clients in hotel lobbies, where I’m trying my best to look vanilla but it feels exciting and taboo, as if I’m a naughty little call girl..even though it is only ever my bottom that gets a spanking!

We went upstairs to the top floor, no doubt chosen because of the sounds of spanking echoing more into the sky that the rooms below, and I was taken to the bedroom/changing room to wait as the video shoot was in progress. I don’t run a meter for my time in these situations, and I didn’t want to walk straight in and watch the action as I’ve never been too voyeuristic, so I just sat cross-legged on the carpet and did some work on my own ‘The Trouble with Emma’ website that I was re-launching anyway. Maybe my psychic powers and intuition felt good, something felt worth hanging around for, and it seemed kinda spooky and deja’ vu fateful they had approached me in the first place when I wasn’t even looking to ever make a film again!

I heard the spanking and scoldings in the next room and it didn’t sound like acting, and there was a mix of laughter and fun between takes that made me smile because enjoying what you do but knowing it is serious once the camera rolls is the essence of a good film. There seemed to be chemistry between the team and I couldn’t wait to walk in and meet them. My pulse was nervously racing at being with Mr P again anyway as we had just started a relationship and he needed to have a “discussion” with me anyway.

We had met on a train in London and after a couple of weeks all of this was less important than us. but we wanted both and had good ideas. I could be Emma Bishop for the films and me when we were off camera, although on set he made it clear I was always his little girl and I couldn’t drink too much and was under his rules in public still. I assumed he had the business already set up and I would just be a model.

After they had finished. Mr P came to fetch me and asked if I would come in and meet the team for a late buffet lunch, with the good quality aged Rioja I’d spied in the kitchen, always a sign of class! It later turned out this was a private film for a client and they used it as a test shoot, which seemed reasonable justification, after they had shot with me a few weeks later and discovered I know something about making films and the standard they have to be at 🙂 What my friends (and family as they feel to me now) didn’t know was that I was Emma Bishop, nobody had thought to Google that I had already trodden this path once before and worked with and learned from the finest in the industry. I met these two lovely girls and the other boss G, the film producer and technical brain as well as being excellent with experience of running a ‘proper’ business, something I discovered later.

Fast forward a few weeks and I’m part of this amazing team and we have gelled and I feel full of technical and creative ideas that I can freely bring to the party. Our amazing girl Kaylee has discovered new spanking talent in the shape of some excellent spanking models. Her friend Bella Blooming was a bonus find and is so talented and growing as an actress and performer every day, and it’s lovely to work with her and see her face beam afterwards. Since then the quality of performances has grown every shoot and I’m glad I can not only appear in them for now, but also direct some films and use some of my professional acting and creative media training too. I am not planning on being in many films but cameos are always on offer, so I’m looking forward to spending more time as a film director and working behind the scenes too. I never saw myself as just ‘Emma Bishop, spanking model’ but an entertainer, Red Moon Rising Media is ‘not just another spanking website’, so this could be a wonderful journey together!

My memory of this from now on will always be that Red Moon Rising Media was born and I was stripped naked in an AirBnB (that happened later), and I’m growing in a new world of wonder! It’s so good to be back!”

I’ve posted some images in a gallery below of a forthcoming film I’m in called ‘No More Drama’ (that’s almost another blog post in itself), plus some images from the cutting room floor to bring my blog up to date. The films and website are ready in the background, we are just waiting for the important technical add-ons to be fixed, delayed by the US companies virtually being away for two weeks over Xmas and New year.

I’m still going to be working with Red Moon Rising Media as a spanking model, but I’m also stepping away a bit as it has been too much and a lot more than I expected to be doing. It’s way too much for a little girl who has been lost for months. I promised I would see it through to the launch and I never go back on my promises, even though I’ve not only put my own reputation on the line, but it also all gets in the way of who I am in real life. I have helped shoot some BDSM scenes that are not what I should be seeing, and my ex-Daddy wouldn’t have allowed me on set to watch over 18 stuff , and it’s been hard.

Also I have stayed up and worked hours and hours with not enough sleep and no rules and discipline so I’m emotionally all over the place, all of the things I always had and need as a growing young lady so I need to have some help with that again. I have not asked anyone as i know I can’t keep to their rules because of doing all this stuff, so I would be spanked for things I can’t help because I gave my promise. My brain doesn’t understand what to do anymore so I need an adult to take charge and tell me and give me their rules and stuff again so I can just go back to being myself without acting as Emma Bishop in all this. I can be Emma Bishop in any films still when I work for other websites and they tell me what to do, and do film clips with others (which I want to do), but most of the time I want to be my real self and not do any of this professional stuff, but have an uncle or auntie or teacher who can help me with my own life and growing up and will understand what I find hard to ever say when I’m being Emma Bishop.

Sometimes….

When I used to write Bishy’s Blog MKI, I had so many people saying they related and felt as if they knew me. Apparently it was honest and from my heart (which it always is), and although I’m ‘Emma Bishop’, they said they got a good insight into the life of a spanking model. More importantly I wrote a lot of the blog when I had my long term mentor, so much of what I posted were genuine pictures of my real life discipline, and I would write about it, including the dread and fear of it all. I think most people mainly enjoyed the pictures and I suspect some thought they were staged, seeing as I’m meant to be ‘Emma Bishop’. Truth is my real life has never been like that.

When I’m out there as Emma Bishop I can love the attention and get high on feeling loved and perhaps even valued a bit for what I set out to do as a creative performer. I know how to do this, I trained in how to do this both as a professional model first and then a mainstream actress, but sometimes it’s too much and I just want to run away again and hide. But then I miss that attention and succumb to people saying they miss me, when I assume they really mean they miss my bottom. Oh I know if I write this openly there will be some people who think its a career ending whinge, and others who may think it’s self indulgent, but if I wasn’t writing it all down I would probably have to tell a friend in the scene how I’m doing and maybe even a Doctor. I don’t actually care if Emma Bishop loses fans. Those who get me (as me) will know what I mean and relate to what I’m writing next.

I miss having my Daddy, or someone who disciplines me for real but REALLY cares about me too like in a proper relationship, and I’m not just feeling like a time slot. I will never ask anyone to spank me or go to them because I’m a a girl and they are grown ups and I’m used to just being told. None of this scene protocol ‘play’ stuff that everyone does since 50 shades like an appointment. I was born this way and I’m old fashioned and I don’t understand that type of play on something that is inside my head and every fibre of me. My mentor was bold, he once we made contact he just saw how i was behaving and immediately took over and TOLD me to report to him. He already knew I would say yes by my email replies when he was getting to know me and he could see how I am. I had rules and he did it all and I had huge respect for him. As he wast in the scene at all, he just saw a child who needed guidance and he did all of that just like as if my parents in the olden days had hired a private tutor for me. Dr Williams is actually all of that in his career, although not of course in the way he was with me.

With my Daddy I felt understood, grounded, loved and on track when he was here, but now I feel empty, so I have ran into being Emma Bishop again and keeping so busy that I don’t have to remember what happened. I won’t go into details but he had to go away and Ive got used to the idea I won’t see him again ever, and I think I’m also over it too. The gap that’s left though is that I’m undisciplined again, I have no sense of looking after myself properly and it’s slowly dragging me down, but I have to keep going because I promised I would, and I have to try and do this without all the things I have had in my life for so long, when I’m not being Emma Bishop. I will do this because I had to do things to survive in lots of ways but I really just want to be looked after properly.

Discipline (spanking, rules etc) is what I had before Emma Bishop. My mentor advised me against joining the ‘scene’ and just being totally professional and to keep that well apart from the real discipline.

I was being Emma Bishop at a party this weekend and I think I carried it off OK. I’m used to being in front of people (just because of training and conditioning) and I’m used to smiling when really I want to rant and throw a tantrum. Saturday was like that. It was a party, and I didn’t want to really ‘play’ at all so I kept my head in meet and greet stuff. I will play professionally cos I can hide behind that, but I don’t like to play for no reason if I haven’t been naughty, it just seems like i’m acting again. I just really ever play to see what the other person is like so its a test really, but most times they aren’t interested in who I really am and would probably call it ‘drama’ if I told them i was a Middle in real life and not get it. Or they pretend they do and nod or laugh and then I feel like a freak. I hate anyone calling me a ‘Lady’ or trying to age me up, because I’m totally not. If they knew I was a young teenager in my head, metabolism and a few other weird things they wouldn’t treat me like, but I’m not mad just not like you.

The only time I’m happy that some people would call ‘play’ or a ‘scene’ is when I’m at school and that’s why I go to parties where there is a school too, and in my films. I’m being myself, that’s the only time, even if others are grown ups playing school. I hate it ending, its not even about being spanked on purpose, it’s about just being me in real life. At the party this weekend I was going to stay in a hotel and I honestly completely forgot I was still in school uniform, because they feel like my normal clothes. When I remembered and undid my tie it made me sad. It made me feel like I was having to lie and act again. Obviously I only wear it in school roles, but I just forgot and didn’t think it mattered, just like any teenager going home from school in their normal school uniform.

Since then I had a lot of social media stuff i loved getting into and writing, and it’s thrilling and exciting, and I could be spanked lots by people every day if I said ‘Yes’ and have lots of ‘play’, but I don’t want that, because its all for and about Emma Bishop not me. Sometimes I don’t want people telling me I’m any kind of famous person in the scene or wanting to meet me, because then I have to be Emma Bishop for them. The real me is a pretty mixed up teenager in a grown ups body, having to fit in and lie and do grown up things when really I can’t. Well, i can do sexual things of course in my relationships but its just i’m more innocent and emotionally immature and I can’t treat it all like a kinky game, if to me its all real.

I’m different in ways I cant write about and only explain face to face to a very few people in my life I can trust. When I go home sometimes I just want to curl up with my teddies and cry and scream under the covers or throw things and swear really loud. Sometimes, I wish I was never Emma Bishop, but tomorrow I will probably do it all again. Until I find what I really want and that person wants all of the real me this is just an escape that keeps me away from being a recluse again. I’m actually scared and more shy than I make out, and I wish I could just be that again without the big front I have to keep up. Ive probably said this a few times in posts but noone REALLY listens or wants to.

I was glum and thinking about writing this and at the time I took a picture to show how I was feeling. I also miss my parents who I met in the scene (M/F couple who are both Disciplinarians), and after two and a half years I think they have disowned me too and couldn’t be there all the times when i most needed them and I’m very sad I feel like an orphan again. I am not sure if they just got bored I wasn’t always smiling and trying my hardest to appear happy in limited time together lately when we met and I will ill, or I’m too hard work 😦 Being Emma Bishop has helped the past two weeks from wondering what I did wrong and why I feel dumped 😦 This picture was when I was spanked by them before bedtime once. I was so proud I got my dropseat Pj’s from America with my name on, which I only got and wore for them. I think it’s over, I am not sure. It’s nearly 11 again, my bedtime was 9 for two years, i’m exhausted and I need to go, sorry.

PS: My Mentor was an Academic in Education. He forbade me to use apostrophes and I got spanked if I wrote I’m instead of I am etc…but now I do because I can, but really I was happier when I couldn’t but I don’t want to try now.

Orienteering my Orientation

I had a recent slightly drunken conversation with a vanilla man friend who I kinda really like but never said, and he’s left and moved away now. He knows everything about my kink but isn’t a spanko. He said he could never ‘hit’ a girl…while I’m sitting there running a monologue through my head thinking I would be brave enough to happily offer to be his first sacrificial test crash dummy tee hee! Nice as he is though, and even with some obvious chemistry, from my side at least; he teases me and hints a lot but never cut to the freakin’ chase, with him not being a spanko it’s a deal breaker for me so I never said how I feel about him in all the other ways. If I had done it would only have got me in a stupid mess again, and I did say I will never compromise again so that’s dead in the water.

Anyway, when we were out once before he was looking at this pretty girl at the bar with long legs and commenting about what type of girls he likes. He regularly dropped in little criticisms about my boyfriend at the time, insinuating he wasn’t imaginative enough for me and not my type, and he invited me to have a quick birthday (mine) drink with him, on the Sunday night after I had just said goodbye to my (newish) spanko boyfriend. I immediately told my spanko boyfriend and he was fine with me going to meet a friend, and in any case didn’t have any exclusivity over me at that stage as it was still early on. My point being that I kinda hoped Guy A (non spanko) was a tincy bit jealous I had a boyfriend, as he wanted to see me on my birthday as we were staying in the same area that night, and I thought he might say something, but he never did. I still harbourded hopes I could convert him into a spanko if he had, but its well over now and he is gone.

When we met for the last time, and building on our open sexy risque chats, we did get onto the subject of his ‘type of girl’ again. I rambled on, after too much red wine, about how I like girls as friends, but am not attracted to them in the same way as I am to men so can’t comment much about other girls apart from that I can appreciate beauty, cool and personalities in anyone. Then I opened up a bit more about a few situations I had had with girls that made me feel all wrong, excepting one or two girls who I really did have feelings for. I tried to justify that by saying I wouldn’t know what to do now anyway, and I’m way too shy to make any kind of first move. I told him there was a word called ‘Heteroflexible” that I had seen recently (thanks Fetlife!). I said I didn’t think I was one of “them”, as it’s very rare I am attracted to girls, but maybe that it’s the whole person I’m attracted to. I went away and thought about it the next day and googled the word myself.

I have always been ‘Straight’ in Fetlife because I was and still am 99% attracted to men, because of all of the usual pheromones and other things I sense and feel towards men:) Then I thought to myself, maybe I’m closing down ever surprising myself or being surprised. And what if, for example, someone of the same sex may want to know me better than just a friend, but knows I’m ‘straight’, so I never would know how they feel, and I would never say anything either because I just wouldn’t know how to as I’m also immature. I know i keep saying that and you will all be curious or thinking i’m retarded or weird but I’m not, but just different and most definitely a Middle in all ways. It’s kinda medical as my metabolism and whole life pattern is out of sync with what it should be, and a Doctor recently asked if I’m from another planet, which really made me feel like a freak!

In terms of girls in spanking relationships and friendships I am not turned on by Female Domme at all, as I see men in charge and look up to them and it does everything for me. When I have been spanked by a woman it’s not been the same in my head at all, however hard I try, and I can’t help or apologise for that. I love it in films or role play though, it fits and I can get into it just as well as I can with a man in charge. But there is a small 1% chance I just haven’t met the right girl yet, I will probably never know.

So, for that 1% chance, I have changed my orientation to ‘Heteroflexible’, but I’m NOT ‘coming out’ or making a big “hey, look at me” deal about it, because after today I probably won’t give it another thought, unless another Guy A tries to get me drunk and interrogates it out of me again!.