I am loving being back today as a spanking model and uploading some back catalog images on my other profile [https://fetlife.com/users/9830524]. There will be lots of new stuff soon and I will set up some shoots. i will blog again too once I get up and running. I said I quit in that post almost a year ago, but I’ve had so many people telling me it was too early as I have so many ideas and things to do,

Anyway, I was thinking I would love to be in another film or long role play again. Maybe as the new school secretary, who lied on her CV. Something like..she truanted a whole school year to party abroad on cruises with her rich parent’s and their friends. Her CV is now security checked and she has to confess or be reported to the authorities for giving false information. Her punishment is that she has to go back to finish schooling in this school for a whole year, and to live with and be the ward of the Headmaster. He has to make sure she is disciplined at home too. So ermm..she is in uniform at school and at home, and he chooses a new teenage wardrobe of short skirts and flat shoes for her when she goes out with her new family.

I think this would suit me because I could just be myself all the time, but act older as the snobby school Secretary to start with. I hope I get to do this and some films again, my mind is racing!!

So… due to many requests since I quit, comments and changes in circumstances, I decided to get back to doing a little of what I know. For anyone who has been friends with me or followers of this moi here crazy girl these past few years, you will already know I’m not a regular good girl and need discipline. I go with my gut and heart (or always used to, but made dumb unchecked decisions lately). I go off and run away at huge whims, serial procrastinate, compromise to save other people’s feelings, get myself into awkward pickle situations and rarely ask for much in return from anyone.

This time I am being totally selfish and putting myself first. I am putting myself back into survival and hungry mode again, even though I am doing fine and don’t have to, because that is always the time I feel my best. I have tried looking through haystacks and they were full of worms dressed up as maggots, and I have tried fitting into nice little boxes and I felt trapped and lonely. Now I am breaking out, and having as much fun as I can fit into my life without burning out again. Without discipline I may be crying in my coffee before long, but I’m gonna try to act like I’m a grown up again until I get some help.

I will no longer apologise for being a spanking model, or change course because that is denying I ever lived. I will no longer apologise for being geekily weirdly different, even though it’s now a popular bandwagon to be on with all kinds of available labels. All of these pieces that make me weird make me alive and real, and I have found them again in my toy box. I am going to care less about what people think and believe in myself much more from now on, and trust my gut again!.

I always saw role play as “a way in”. In my work as a model it meant I could set the boundaries and give people their scene, so it kept me safe and I never had to roam, experiment, or go outside of method acting if I needed to bring it in. I never had to do anything more than be myself through a character. I got to the stage where people used to write testimonials on my website and say they had never known such reality before. One or two wrote privately to call off future dates because they got scared that I got too close to reality. They told me they felt awkward that it was like spanking a real schoolgirl age girl, and it made them uncomfortable as parents/responsible adults. I never used to act and only tapped into method if it was going so slow that I wanted to depict some emotion, even though my limits we high and I had it so covered it became a routine.

What people didn’t know was that an early experience movie I made called ‘A Visit to the School Governors’, which was a fly on the wall ‘live’ filmed drama broke me afterwards and changed my role plays forever. I hated taking off my school uniform afterwards because it has always been a part of where I am, never a fantasy or thrill. A lost normal childhood, memories I have to catch up on, and doing things for the first time, which I still am. I cried in the arms of my famous co-star ‘tog’ who was my muse, in the empty pub afterwards as the staff were sweeping up with no idea. I didn’t want to leave school I wanted to go back to the dormitory.

I always had films in my head as a child of being in a 1950’s type girls school and having real corporal punishment, but most of my dreams were so vivid and more to do with being included rather than the discipline. It was unsexy as you can get, but harrowing, like being in the Magdalene Asylums, a film that makes me shake and cry like I had lived it. I have past life flashbacks so deep I can touch them like I know my way around and I brought them into my work.

So, being told I am being expelled and will never see my friends again in a film or role play can break me. Being excluded or told I’m not good enough is the worst thing anyone can do to me. I know that feeling so well and have seen it in my dreams and I can’t take away the reality so it will always show.

So, you wanna role play with me? Sure, if you think you could really get to know and love me and let me be my real self. But if you just want to do a ‘scene’ on the surface, please don’t let me be myself so I can act as an adult pretending to be a schoolgirl, or you may get more than you wanted.

Written for those who wanted to hear part of my story, and, after I read this and didn’t want to explain:
https://fetlife.com/users/4832168/posts/5607279

Here are some latest pictures after my boyfriend spanked me:

You know what, I had a break recently to get over an eye problem which is still not 100%, needed it anyway because being online is too much like hard work when you feel ill, and I have come back feeling completely different. I also finally today lost the 10lbs I had been carrying since April all over the world with me and I’m running again and full of my usual high bouncy energy. Being ill sucked and I probably was a lot depressed and disillusioned too and couldn’t admit it to myself, I can see and feel that now.

I have never been one for scene labels apart from always knowing I’m a submissive, but although my head is still emotionally teenage and a bit biological too medically (weird but true), I feel older than a ‘middle’ now. I decided to choose ‘princess’ because I am and have been in my heart since I was small, but ‘babygirl’ has always come close too in the scene and apart from the words and how they sound I still don’t know the difference between a lot of them, and who really cares anyway?

A guy in the hotel reception in Dallas called me “babygirl when I checked in this year following TASSP and after bailing myself out of a total nightmare dive of a place after midnight. It was a vanilla comment and he was cute but it made me glow and smile, and even that little thing made me feel like I was got because of how I come across and am.

What I do know, despite typos and minor corrections (sorry), is I was finally after 5 years able to write a profile that fits me totally and be brave and say what I want and want to give. I have never in my whole scene life got that right as much, and probably seemed a contradiction to everyone who has tried to understand me, but it explains my part in the situations I helped to screw up because I could never communicate. I will always still find it hard but I can cut to the chase quicker too and not get too involved because I’m being too nice and hate hurting feelings. I am not touching my profile now unless it changes.

‘Princess’ sounds neutral anyway but it’s on my coffee mug in the office and all over my bedroom and I have been called it for years so why use any other label if there is only one choice to be made? It is what it means to me that matters but I feel bigger and ready to upgrade to the next level πŸ™‚

I am still a brat and naughty and all the things I always was but just I don’t wanna play with toys anymore, just boys and I am having so much fun again!

..is that since I came back from Cancun in December I have not been well. I have managed to go to TASSP, seen something of Dallas and Nashville and the South of France (all of which I loved), but it has been tough, draining and tiring and has taken all of my ‘The Trouble with emma’ spirit and energy to get through what I committed myself to.

My friend said yesterday on holiday in Nice that she just wants the emma she knows back because “you’re not the emma I know, you’ve lost your glow and this is not you”. I guess like most of my scene life I’m just good at putting on a happy face and getting the job done, but this time it is harder than I’ve ever known.

Simply, I have an eye problem with my eye muscles and possibly my nervous system. It could be as simple as having caught a tropical disease that affected my system as I got bitten in the jungle, to light sensitivity, or something more debilitating, and I am very scared. I am writing to my local Doctor tomorrow and have letters from three other Doctors recommending I see a specialist in optic neurology. I also have a muscular problem with my right arm that may be connected. I have had routine blood tests all of which have found nothing so far. My eyes and vision are healthy and there are no signs of anything worrying deep in my eyes I am told.

From now on, now I have fulfilled all my promises and engagements to everyone I am keeping it local and simple. I am staying close to my parents and friends and cannot offer anything else to anyone else until I am better. I am not travelling out of around a 15 mile radius or short car rides and door to door trains so no more holidays or any kind of social events for a while either. I will be a recluse and play my music and write songs and record and stick to the things I did once before when I was a shy outsider to all of this scene stuff. I always go back to what I know when I have had to run away before for my sanity and I hope that will keep me strong this time.

I just wanted you all to know. I so want to be better and run 5k again with both eyes open and not worrying about falling over or bumping into a tree or people. I want to get through a movie without squinting my eyes and I want to be able to drive long distances with the wind in ny hair and my music loud. It is the not knowing that scares me, but I do know whatever it is I will face it and do my to be the bravest little girl I can be again πŸ™‚

I had a great time at TASSP but have decided I’m not going to any more parties.
Since my first party I have kept an open mind, tried new things, changed my approach (thanks Uniformed Tops for being the only time I have or will ask a man to spank me!) and even joined in group bratting and scene setting, which was seriously fun to be included in for a while. All these things I did because I’m curious, and it’s maybe the only way in to making new friends in well established groups, particularly when I’m the foreigner.

I hope people who met me for the first time and those who know me well can see I’m a fun happy and pretty normal, but manic and a bit scatty, well adjusted girl who loves people. Connections, hugs and smiles and honesty mean everything to me, and I am very perceptive and even psychic so anything that is not genuine I can sense and be aware of so I see through any fakery, I always have and have had to. I don’t take sides but I find myself put on a side even when I am not in the same game and completely oblivious as to why or what went on or what I did wrong. But I can take that, I’m used to people not knowing facts or speaking to me first but judging me on heresay, so it’s like forever being convicted for things I never did. I don’t care a jot to be popular or anyone’s favourite ‘spankee’, and I refuse to join bandwagons, or bands of raging loud feminists who hate men and are seeking superiority and not just equal rights, and to condition everybody to be accepting of everything in their face, even if they have a personal preference and valid personal reasons. These are not my kinda people at all.

I plan to come to the US often anyway, and if I’m invited to spend quality time really getting to know someone or invited to small gatherings where people will actually know I’m there and want to see me personally, then I will be there. I never ask, i will never stand in a line for any ‘Doctor Spankos’ fix-me surgeries and I’m not just any girl, and I like men to be more discerning, simple. I don’t do men who are not inherently dominant.

Anyway, the sounding out above has come over many parties over many years but there are patterns to parties, they are that predictable and consistent. But I have always known they are not for me because:

  1. I know what’s going to happen. I hate knowing what will happen
  2. Things are timebound and public. I hate timebound and public, I roll with improvisation and spontaneity.
  3. I’m not good at small talk, I like real talk.
  4. Most people are already coupled up and the kind of men I seem to connect with so far in my submissive life are non scene players, hate parties and would never go to one.
  5. Without a reason to spank me I don’t see the point in it. Since I don’t do play or ‘funishment’ or deliberate bratting to get spanked by strangers who have a string of others doing the same thing, it is a waste of my time as a princess.
  6. I don’t like being spanked in front of lots of people. It’s not because I don’t have a nice bottom or “beautiful” vagina (someone used that word once and said it was the most beautiful he had seen), but just I prefer to be more private 1 on 1 with someone when it matters more, like discipline and of course in my personal relationships. Some things matter to me.

Parties are fantastic for new people. Parties are brilliant if you belong to a group who is like family and there for each other online and at other parties. Parties are great to get a fix you can’t get anywhere else, and parties are good to see how things are done by others if you need to learn how to be a player.

Parties for me were great for hello’s, but now the party’s over. Thanks everyone!

I have decided finally, to quit as a spanking model. I have had such a good time and many happy returns, but I am ready to close this final professional chapter to get on with the rest of my life now and find what I really want and be happy. It’s been a gas, it’s been a ball but I no longer want to run away back to it, and hide away every time I need a crutch to make me feel special and wanted again. That was artificial, my life and what I think of myself is worth much more than that. I should be proud enough to say “I did it all”, but I am just happy enough now to say the actress has left the theatre and the show will go on. My work will always be out there and I will secretly always smile to myself πŸ™‚

ps: I am not leaving Fetlife or turning vanilla (that will never happen unless my mind and body shuts down), I’m just going back to being a regular teenager again πŸ™‚

These past few months I’ve had a lot going on and a lot of changes, with illnesses and my new job, but somehow I see everything differently now and it’s not just because of the high dose Vitamin D!. Well not differently, but exactly the same as I did when I was out there a lot more as a spanking model. I never used to judge or contribute or over opinionate then but just have fun, and giggle and brat and laugh and play, and perform. I LOVE to perform, I am an actress, even though it’s still me being myself and living in the moment, defined only by the set, my outfit and the circumstance of the role. That is as far as I want to go in ‘the scene’.

Over the past few years I got drawn into situations where I spoke up more and gave my opinion on things I usually don’t care enough about. I got drawn into Fetlife chats, its labels, and ‘the scene’ way too much and forgot I have a professional image to value and protect. Unfortunately some of the people I was speaking to have deep set views and stances on all sorts of subjects and were surprised I didn’t share them. I have never joined bandwagons, marches, or taken sides, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I have supported and donated in private and done things my own way and I have good reasons for that.

I hate talking politics and about my preferences but I fell out with my best friend recently over that, when they just were un thought through remarks I really don’t care passionately about, but she took in another way and was hurt by it. To her they defined how she saw me so we had nothing left to say and no amount of explaining or making up would fix it. I was sadder than I have ever been at losing a friend, because I never had a bestie before, but that was her choice and I didn’t fit what she wanted in a friend.

And now? I’m very busy and settled again and have truly discovered the girl I was 10 years ago so I feel so much happier. I can cherry pick and do as much or as little as I choose to and also juggle three other career interests. I am someone special to myself and I know it again and my head is up and my shoulders are back. I no longer dumb myself down, or try and pretend I never had such an amazing life and I am still having it.

One of the best spankings I ever had was in a hotel room about 5 years ago at a party.
I was spanked by someone who said he was an admiring fan and always wanted to meet me. I was spanked for NOT being the Emma Bishop he loved and expected to meet, and saying I’m useless and self degragating, at a time I was letting just anybody hurt me for nothing because I was so low and wanted pain. I was destroying every good opinion anyone had of me because I was hurting. It was real and I cried my eyes out so much, because it hurt in every way to have a blazing red bottom and be scolded for not being myself.

That spanking woke me up then and I remembered it again when I woke myself up a few weeks ago, with the help of my lovely parents. If I ever forget who I am again and am not the girl you are expecting to meet….please spank me! I don’t have to be Emma Bishop to my nearest and dearests in private or in my own relationships or even at parties with my friends, but in here I’m Emma Bishop and a princess too, so don’t you forget it!!

Yayyy! I can write again from a happy place looking back on how far I’ve come and how much stronger I am. I can just say “No” and mean it, but still have play fun without sharing my true submissiveness. I know the huge difference now – play is like a massage where I can giggle and brat and have some tinglies and hugs, submission is when my mind starts to get involved. That’s where I’m better at putting the brakes on now and thinking about who I’m dealing with. I won’t let the wrong people blindside me and dress that up as “discipline” anymore and expect me to not realise where it might take me emotionally, because it broke the real meaning of everything I held true about D/s.

My parents discipline me for real but it’s not submission, it’s much better and safer right now because they know how vulnerable I am and love me and won’t hurt me. It sucks being a Middle in here sometimes but I’m happier to stay away from drama until I’m ready to find a proper boyfriend.

Don’t put limits on me
I have no limits on myself
This is not a game
D/s is not play
This is why I never start anything that has an ending
I would rather go without than be caged emotionally
Never ask me to share, sharing is for desperados
Leave me alone, go back to your wife, or girlfriend or “sub”
Submission is love, love is real and love should mean the world
This is not a game, I will never be part of your game