I had an accountability session of sorts today with Mr W and I decided to play around with his bath brush. Big mistake! The camera was set up to take some pictures at the end. I had a grin on my face to start with but OMG, not at the end and my bottom really is sore, particularly on my sit spot 😦
I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while but will have lots more coming very soon; my account of my trip to Boardwalk Badness Weekend party in Atlantic City 🙂
In the meantime here are some pictures from my last accountability session with Mr W a few weeks ago. I had an encounter with a shoe horn, which was a first unique experience. I usually put my foot in it, this time I was walked all over!! hee hee
I had another accountability session this week with Mr W and this time I was in trouble for:
a) Being disobedient and staying up two hours after my bedtime to watch TV without asking first, and after I had said I was off to bed.
b) Being careless and miscalculating my job salary expectations with a simple calculation, which could have meant I was turning down a good opportunity because it did not look likely to make it worth my while. I rushed into it and did the sums, without taking some time away working it out and calling him back, so I was making the situation worse. The telephone interviewer must not have been impressed with my maths!
c) Having a visitor turn up to see me on time when I was just coming out of the shower. I did not check the time he was arriving in his email and hurriedly wrote down the latest time he said rather than the ‘from’ time, and it was embarrassing and awkward.
I had a couple of sessions the days before so I still had some cane marks on my legs but they kind of blended in by the end as you can see below. I had three hard OTK spankings, the leather OTK paddle, six hard strokes with the massive wooden paddle, 12 strokes of the cane and six strokes of the London Tanners Domestic Discipline strap (I think!). These pictures were taken after 6 and before the final 6 strokes of the cane.
I had some good questions this week from people and this one stood out:
“Do you consider spanking to be an art form?”
I initially thought he was asking if I saw it as entertaining, in terms of appearing in spanking films as a model. What he was actually asking is how I see the skill in the technique of spankers. I ended up by saying that I agree technically it is totally an art form and with lots of skill and technique involved. I remember reading a great definition once that I loved, about it being like a symphony, with changes in rhythm and power and sometimes never knowing when or how it will end. Not everyone is artistic and everyone sees beauty in different art, some painters do it for me and others do not. That is not to say they are not good at what they do and would most likely impress hundreds of other spankees, but I just know what I like and what feels right. It is mainly to do with one simple thing, chemistry. It has nothing to do with experience, just the right feeling. Sometimes I like being spanked by somebody, but will hold back and work hard to try to hide the fact I am enjoying it too much if it is an inappropriate situation or circumstance. I try and protect myself so my feelings don’t get hurt, and I don’t mess things up for the other person in any way, everyone has boundaries and expectations so I will do what I think is right for them and keep it to the task rather than what I may want. When I know I can truly relax and let go and it is going somewhere then it is easier for me to give myself to it, then it can become a relationship. Other than that I just enjoy the play session time for what it is on the day, we both have fun and I enjoy the role play or accept the discipline agreement I may have with someone. That is the art form I put into my work.
After saying in Fetlife recently I had nothing to write and was never going to blog again, when I thought about all I had written over the years in all my blogs I didn’t have the heart to just never talk about this important part of my life and what I am ever again. I am really impulsive and am probably the princess of egg on my face screw ups and mind changes, but that’s just how I am and why this only improves when I have threats of discipline hanging over me. Most times I try to do too much. I have a few different guises and get tons of emails and social media things to do so blogging takes time and I didn’t want to write if I was not giving it my full attention. Anyway, I will stick to pictures and reports as much as possible and Mr W, who is sort of having ‘chats’ with me on my behaviour is helping me while I am not in a relationship with anyone at the moment. I’m realising he knows and understands me a lot better every time we talk or meet and I listen to him more now and am trying harder to stick to things like my bedtime curfew, daily schedule plan and my attitude with people, so it is becoming a regular daily accountability with him so we will see how it goes.
Last time I saw him I was punished for driving a bit recklessly, being lazy (which made me burn my hand on the top of the cooker when I was taking the hot grill pan out of the top oven and not using the tongs with the long arm), and being careless with my mobile phone which I dropped and smashed a week after only having the glass replaced from a previous accident. They were not really accidents, I get lazy and forgot to do up the straps in my satchel handbag so it was careless. When I was in Australia with my then Daddy and sister they were really helpful and looked after me every day and nagged me all day about doing them up every time I picked up my bag to go out or when we were outside. Since then I have had so many things on my mind to put behind me these past few months that things like that get forgotten in the mad rush but it was stupid and now I am having to live with a broken glass Android for another four months until I get a new phone upgrade. I could sent it back for repair on my insurance but I am too embarrassed to admit I was running with my bag open and the phone lying on the top without the leather case closed! Also I would have to pay £60 excess next time, it was £30 last month, and I can’t afford to pay that at the moment.
When I saw Mr W recently I was spanked a few separate times and also had lots of corner time and all of the horrid implements you see on the floor in the piccies. The prison strap came back out and that really hurts a lot all over, but then he showed me this crooked handle school cane (which didn’t look as bad visually or as thick and nasty as any of the others), and he said I was to have it for acting like a schoolgirl with my attitude to him recently too online. OMG it was really painful which shocked me and I was no way ready for that to feel so hard, it hurt more than some so the worst canes! He said it will be used again sometimes while he is helping me because it is what I need. My long-term mentor (Dr Williams) was a senior academic anyway so I had lots of homework and tasks with him then and when we finished I was kind of still learning things and in school like he was my personal tutor because he gave me grades for my assignments too, so I never really ever finished my schooling anyway, but to see Mr W’s school cane come out reminded me of that. I was not wearing my school uniform for my visit to Mr W’s study because I wasn’t told to, but it was cold and I had my long over the knee wooly socks on, which slid down during my spankings so they look a bit liked my school socks. It was horrid to be caned with a school cane but reminded me of where I am again mentally with my maturity and real (not on paper) age and I immediately felt more secure mentally and back to where I was before with Dr W and what I was used to for the first four years, and not to pretend to be a grown up like some BDSM Dom’s who did not understand me had tried to make me be and then wondered why I didn’t stay long. I was more embarrassed giggling and laughing at BDSM things I have had done to me once like being hit with flogging things, hot candle wax and E-Stim machines and they wanted me to take it serious and have some kind of thrill from it so they got annoyed and thought I was laughing at them, but I am just very childish anyway and it was like “whoosh, way above my head” so I either laughed or cried cos I was scared they may have wanted to hurt me too. I just think BDSM is a jokey game that’s all and unless it is proper domestic discipline at home or went on in a school then I don’t really get it. At the most I think things like being restrained sometimes can be part of discipline because that would have happened in some Victorian households too, but the rest of it is hard for me to understand.
Anyway, I had a painful disciplinary session with Mr W and my bottom was still sore the next day and that’s pretty rare so I will remember to be more careful now cos I didn’t like it at all 😦
Here are the pictures, have a great weekend and I am glad I am still blogging. Mr W has said I must do and also write this blog reports too 😦
Following hot on the heels of my post yesterday, where I commented on the quality in cheap/free and even professional spanking films, I had a real punishment spanking yesterday. When I say real I mean real, no laughing, timeouts or posing for pictures at the time. We did have a camera set up and took some pictures afterwards, but that was incidental and used as a part of my blog yesterday to illustrate a point I was making. I do not need a camera there to capture my real tears in a serious punishment moment but if it is then fine, I accept that. Yesterday it was only afterwards we brought it in but I did have another real spanking as you will see from the pictures, so my bottom was pretty sore.
I am not in a relationship as such any more with spanking as a part of it, but my good friend Mr W has always been around to look out for me, so I feel a sense of being able to openly talk about how I am doing against the rules I had for myself in my recent relationship. I genuinely try hard to keep to them and from what I read in a thread in British Spanking recently about Responsibility and Punishment, a lot of people in the scene really don’t get it or understand that for some of us there is a huge reality attached to discipline and self management and motivation. I don’t indulge or bother writing in these forums anymore because I really can’t be bothered to waste my time trying to convert anybody who really sees all of this as a game and has their own followers to that argument, which is fair enough. Sure, they may see spanking as part of a healthy relationship, which is good and I agree with too, they may even attach an element of ‘punishment’ to it, but there always seems to be an underlying goal to fulfill a kink rather than to cleanse, improve, grow and learn with someone or for one’s better self. Maybe I am not so much of an ‘adult’ as them. in fact I know for certain I am not, and it has nothing to do with the ridiculous notion that it is a mental illness, but there are actually some genuine submissive types out there who have always been brought up on and steeped in traditional roles and do not get this current thinking that nobody should really in charge. I look up to people stronger and more powerful than me, I always have and I respect dominance and authority if it is natural and not contrived. I am lost and flaky without guidance, I feel very tense and like something is being withheld from me and there is nowhere to go and nothing to aspire to or someone to please because they want the best for me.
Oh I know of course we have to have consent otherwise it is a free for all license to abuse, but once consent is given, I see a lot of people turning it around to suit what they want out of it for themselves. I have seen some submissives saying they don’t like this or that implement or position and manipulating a situation through being needy and wanting the ‘ouchy’ or ‘yummy’ factor thrown in, rather than leaving it up to who they supposedly have given control over to to decide for them. I agree there is a time and a place for ‘play’ and trying new things out like implements but sometimes even the Doms give in easily to bratting, whining and attention seeking, perhaps because they are equally driven by the sexual side of it all more than the focus on consistency and boundaries so that the sub knows where she stands. Some Doms may also have switching tendencies and I’m sure they like the fact a sub is taking over sometimes too, maybe it fuels their vision of equality more in our modern society. I think it is damned hard for men to know how to be anyway with the blurring of roles and political correctness ,and what with ’50 shades’ encouraging people into our lifestyle it must be even more confusing. I love the sexual side of it all, in a relationship, but outside of that I can either have discipline, or play, in a session and not a mix and match of ‘funishment’ as a lot of people seem to be coining as a phrase nowadays. So, if it is with a friend I would rather have punishment and then later if we want to shoot photos and carry on playing (if I am still able to of course) then that is fine, or else just have a fun play session trying things out that I like and he wants to test.
Yesterday I was punished for these transgressions (below) which I have taken from my list. For the past six months my behaviour had been pretty faultless, because I was in a situation where I felt loved and attended to enough to keep me focused. I genuinely find it hard to keep to that on my own but am not in any hurry to find a new relationship at any time so I’m just happy to do the best in the meantime and have the help of friends to pick up and enforce anything I have slipped up on, but only if I choose to. There lies the difference, it is more on a confessional basis rather than working together towards something in a loving relationship so I have not given full authority to anybody, because it means too much to me to give it too easily without it being part of something very real and meaningful outside of occasional support and help . I am not sure if or when I can do that again, I cared too much and was hurt before, through my own fault nobody else’s. But anyway, back to yesterday, and tomorrow 🙂
18-11-13 – Late to bed and disobedient even after being allowed to stay up longer.
20-11-13 – a) Late to work – Spent too long in Fetlife online before leaving home. Arrived late to work place and had to spend £24 on car parking as all the free places were taken.
b) Saying “Whatever” to Mr W when I was being lectured about my behaviour today.
22-11-13 – Sent an email to the wrong person with personal details in that could have been awkward, then blaming somebody else for talking and distracting me and causing me to make the mistake.
25-11-13 – Overslept and went for contact lens check with wrong lens in, causing the Optician to have to re-do his tests and wasting his time. Being giggly and laughing about it and not pleasing the optician with my behaviour when he was being serious.
Here are some pictures:
And now I am off to pack to go to New York to a spanking party and when I get there, it is fun, play and having a great time, I know the difference so bring it on!
I went to see Mr W, a disciplinarian friend yesterday who was rather concerned at my recent behaviour over the past few weeks and suggested I should report to him. I previously had a rule with him a year ago regarding my play limits, and he decided to reinforce them and remind me to look after myself. He was also concerned at my attitude and felt I needed to be reminded that as a growing girl I am still accountable to be respectful and listen to what I am told. As part of my social visit I was marched upstairs and given a stern lecture about how a young lady should behave, before being soundly spanked, strapped and caned. I had welts on my bottom afterwards and was not sitting down for supper too well when I got home. My behaviour is still up and down and I am doing my best to behave and manage on my own without rules and guidance right now, so until I am in another regular Domestic Discipline based relationship again it is good to know my teachers and guardians are still keeping an eye on me. I am sorry Sir 😦
So…its like hmmm 10.27pm and I’m starting writing to you literally off the top of my very tired head, but I have been so busy and built in additional procrastination, that every time I wanted to write a blog post my quill dried up and I scrapped it after the first line as it didn’t sound interesting to me. Now I will just go for it, pick up my content notes, cutting and pasting where I can and scribble away! I’ve had four 2am bedtimes in a row this week as I’ve been really busy on and off for five months recording new songs for my first album (I think I mentioned I dabble in being a bedroom based musician/songwriter and bad singer?) so I want to get to bed before midnight tonight if I can. I used to write my blogs in freefall but now I’m tongue tied and go off at tangents and keep censoring myself because of who may think what and if it’s about them, so I really need to see if I can write this and not care anymore..anyway…
Lately I’ve been embracing Emma Bishop again. But what does that mean, I am Emma Bishop? Well it means being busy again in this part of my life and enjoying being a part of forums and making new friends again like I did before. Whether I like it or not and I am entrenched in that image, and as I was recently reminded about I’ve been immortalised as a caricature forever by David Ell in his cartoon series: (see images below)
… so I guess I must have been geeky enough at some stage in this career and probably still am so why fight it? Even though I have other strings to my media arts bow why not just be and enjoy this too? I can do it all I think as long as I keep all of my ID’s apart and don’t blog about being spanked in Facebook or give a powerpoint presentation showing my best assets at the staff annual dinner! I’m not alone in this cyber jungle and know how dangerous it is with snoopers everywhere, whether they be bosses, trolls, stalkers, or rivals in some warped way but I realise there is a thin line between being honest and open enough to not care what anyone thinks and being suicidally blase and reckless if other people can get dragged in too.
I wrote a post in Fetlife the other day about ‘Friends’ and what they mean to me in social media sites and why I don’t collect them. It is mainly because I have been a victim of being too open and trusting before that I have learned some hard lessons about what I now call a ‘Friend’. It doesn’t mean I have to know every single friend personally in real life but at the very least I like to be able to gauge something about who they are and how they think from their profile/likes or if they have courteously messaged me introducing themselves. I freely admit that by now and with experience to back this up, I am not inclined to add people if I am unlikely to indulge their interests or their interest in wanting to add me, so broadly I am unlikely to have anything much to say to male subs, guys openly displaying their genitalia in pictures or those with heavy BDSM Master/Slave inclinations. I do have friends who Switch but I have said all I want to on that now suffice to say I am really only inclined to converse with them when they have a Dom hat on, otherwise I find I get really embarrassed and I’m not comfortable talking about what they do as a sub after they have just said they want to spank me. I am a girl who is a hard wired spanko and being spanked is what interests me, simples…nuff said!
I got asked the other day if I like girls and if I like being spanked by them, or am attracted to them, because if spanking is not sexual to me then why does it matter? I have answered this in an interview as best I could without giving away what is or isn’t sexual for me because it’s a no win. If I say “spanking turns me on” then I have had spankers asking me before if I’m wet and aroused and I find that very awkward as it crosses a line for me if I have no other relationship with the person asking me that. Maybe I’m afraid I will give a wrong signal that may be acted upon innocently by the other person and then find myself having to justify what I really meant. Yes I have had this situation before where I was too honest about what I was enjoying and I got it wrong and wanted the ground to open up so I am more careful now, which in some ways means I am more tense and less relaxed but it has to be that way until such time something exceptional happens to make me change my mind like it would on any vanilla ‘date’ and I can say what I really want and enjoy. The Atomic Kitten song “Whole Again” resonates because feeling whole means I am giving myself up and sharing something I also think is so special I want it to matter, but if I do that and the other person is playing casual mind fuck games with me then its risky territory, as after all people have their own personal boundaries and beliefs that I always respect too.
The truth is I used to hate sex all my life, and spanking was always the only thing that turned me on inside, but something happened to me last year that changed everything and now I feel more at ease with myself because of it. I had vanilla sex on holiday when I was having a great time and with someone I totally had the hots for as soon as we met and it turned out it was mutual, and I was comfortable with him so I came back feeling happy and confident and pleased with myself that I had got rid of a big emotional block in my head. However, I am hugely immature and I stupidly glowed and showed off about it and made a fool of myself like I was in the playground, but to me it was about feeling “whole again”for the first time and it was like losing my real virginity because I no longer felt all wrong, dirty and worthless, but wanted and enjoyed . Of course I have had a few sexual experiences (but not many, abstinence was easier) but I did not really enjoy them and didn’t feel comfortable with the other person in the way I wanted to, or myself, even though I have had some lovely boyfriends and spanking partners in the past few years who I know cared about me and I shared some good sexual fun with very few but only since I felt right about me too. I always felt there was something wrong with me having sex, but now I know there is not at all and it was all in my head. Now when I am being spanked it feels easier to let myself be turned on, but only if I have some kind of chemistry with someone can I still to allow myself to show that, if that makes sense, although I am still always afraid that if I do say too much and the other person doesn’t feel the same way and then I make a fool of myself. I don’t want to let go with anybody I don’t feel right with, or it is wrong to do so because it won’t go anywhere because of circumstance, so of course its easier to keep it to myself anyway until I ever do again.
What I will always say though in any session with anybody is that if I enjoyed what we did I always glow and will say so, I just won’t go into specific personal details about how it affected me unless it is in a warranted situation if that makes sense? I am still vulnerable and scared and need hugs, strong arms and warm words to help me feel safe, but my play motto is just to “stay safe, play safe and have fun” without taking it too seriously, because it keeps me on track and I don’t have to risk anything. I would love to belong and feel wanted and be everyone’s favorite friend or flavour, but I know its safer for me to keep to myself and not have to explain or justify my complex self and feel second class to anyone anymore. I know I am fine, I always knew, that so now I will be fine. I’m tired of being asked about the sex and spanking question for years and about sexuality, and being delved into and dissected by people I hardly know, like I owe it to them to explain myself at all when for all I know they could have all kinds or nasty backgrounds and secret pasts and I often think “who are you anyway?”, and I have to tip-toe around with my reply. Until now I didn’t have an answer so I hope this will say everything now, and if there is anything else I will only ever say it when it matters to people who matter to me in a way I can trust….moving on, i’m done now.
Coming back to female spankers though, I’m not attracted to girls but I like or love them as friends, so being spanked by a girl does not feel the same to me. I have had very few liaisons and close encounters with girls before but they never felt right and I was acting it all out but inside feeling messed up and wanting to run away and never go near anybody ever again of either gender, I just never had sex at all with anyone for most of my life, I couldn’t. That said, I can name one or two women I have totally respected as Dommes and it is because they were in positions of role play authority that I was able to power exchange my submissiveness to them, but it is very rare. I did not find it sexual or indulge myself (which I know people may think is a contradiction as maybe I should be more relaxed with another girl and be able to think only of myself safely) but I still felt inhibited about crossing the ‘spanking and sexual’ line because to me once I show any sort of sexual desire or interest in a scene then I have no way back from that. Maybe I am secretly hoping someone will tell me one day its OK to relax and take out something for me too but I am scared to and most times just go all out to meet their needs. A lot of people I’ve played with don’t have to meet any of my needs anyway as in a professional session it is not for me anyway which is fine, so maybe I have just got so used to that and now its a safety mechanism. So, girls who Domme or Switch are very safe, I have no interest in ever asking a girl to spank me at all but hugs and friendly kisses are fine :)!
Anyway, I had some good sessions with recent friends since I last wrote and in one I put my WRAF uniform on (real one) and had a really fun scene where neither of us knew what the rank names were so we both agreed I was demoted from a Corporal to a Sergeant! Either way I was really pleased I managed to take a lot of strokes with a wide wooden paddle I have as well as some rapid caning, and guess what, once again my bottom went red very quickly again. I also did a great scene recently where I was a housewife disobeying her husband and not wearing the right clothes, so I had to change into my seamed stockings and shortest skirt, kneel before him and hold out canes and give thanks…so it was very DD but with a lot of control and humiliation and took me into some new positions and situations. Here are some pictures to end on as I have rambled a lot tonight and want to save time to upload pictures and post before midnight!
2012 was the year I went to Dubrovnik and Lisbon and was busy with occasional sessions and spankings from friends. I also shot my last ‘Trouble with Emma’ film called ‘The PA Presents’ (until my late return to the scene), where I played a secretary working for a female boss, who was in turn submissive to a strict dominant couple. It was semi ‘fly on the wall’ but turned into something else after filming. It left me confused and that it went too far and was out of my control, but it was a good learning experience for me.
One week later I was back in ‘Sir’s study and this time I was punished for:
- Two late nights chatting in the site ‘Informed Consent’ – I was given a slippering for this over the punishment bench.
- For my “attitude” when I was “once again being thoughtless” when talking to him in chat – I received an over the knee spanking for this.
- I was sulking, being rude, snappy and sullen to everyone for over a week in online chat and at home and in public. – I was given an over the knee spanking and then slippered. I was also grounded and banned from using the Informed Consent website for at least a week.
I was not a happy girl around this time and found it hard to come to terms with my label as his submissive as he had other relationships that I thought made my less important. It was new to me to be in this situation and I did not cope well so I decided to leave on friendly terms. We stayed in touch and remained friends but I did not think it was committed or serious enough for me to relax enough and be honest about my behaviour, so I withdraw and sulked a lit. The spanking I had for thsi was not enough to change my mind because I felt sad and that this would be my last punishment. It was all too soon for me to be in this relationship with him. I am immature and pretty naive when it comes to discipline relationships as I only ever had one serious long term mentor before, so once again I decided to run away.
I had started having regular visits to ‘Sir’ at the time and he was getting to understand me. This was my third punishment and was for:
- Throwing a tantrum in online chat. I was sarcastic and suggested our spanking relationship wasn’t serious and was a game, because ‘Sir’ was also in another punishment relationship with someone else and it felt wrong for me to be in this too. I was cheeky and kept answering back and when he told me to “Stop it Now” I disobeyed and carried on talking and acting like a spoilt madam he said. – I had a very intense over the knee spanking, followed by a slippering, the wooden and leather paddles and a hairbrush, plus 12 strokes of the Cane
- I was also 4 minutes late to bed – I had a 4 minute over the knee spanking for this too.