I often have times when its all too much and I just wanna run away from trying to act grown up and right now I just want to get a plane somewhere hot and be totally on my own. I say I will sleep and get myself together but after a while I get bored so end up online again and tired, all the reason why I run away in the first place and its a cycle I cant break right now. I used to have a journal, rules, a schedule, time limits and stuff but they are gone, I need them but wont ask for them as its too complicated even to ask my parents who are meant to be here for me. I need total rehab and detox from caffeine, vices like the internet and to be somewhere where I can be looked after but also straightened out so I know right from wrong again…sounds like I need a good spanking hey?

But the thing is I haven’t actually done anything wrong at all, this is not a cry for help in the way disciplinarians and mentors may pounce on me and say they can ‘help’ me. I accepted that before, and it did help then and I was grateful and got better but it won’t on its own right now. Like I said I haven’t done anything wrong, apart from falling in love and it is NOT my fault. The only two people i’ve told (when I always wanted to tell the whole world I’m in love, its every princess’s dream) think i’m walking around with blinkers on and I’m being naive. I feel like I should go to a confession box, but I haven’t actually sinned, but it feel like I’m drowning. I’m still a little girl. 14 actually or 9 as ‘he’ says and was probably more right than me, and I’m having to cope with an enormous big situation I’m in. I don’t trust new people who say they wanna be friends when really I know they just want to spank my bottom and will say they will help just to do that bit, and that is the last thing I need right now. My former mentor, and my parents (when I finally see them after their longest trip abroad) would have listened and help fix me but I don’t want to dump on them and they can’t give me enough time and have their own lives anyway. I saw Mama last week when she popped over but she was one of the two people I told and he reaction was the same as my friend, and I just wanted to cry and have hugs and wish it would all magically go away like it never happened, but she has her own life like I said so I left it there and I kept a lot in and smiled and drank wine even though I shouldn’t. So…its easier to be Emma Bishop where I can just concentrate on what I know I can do and I get to cry and pretend its because of the scene when really its all too much right now but I will use it as an outlet until I can be me again.

I am going to run away on my own soon once we have launched the websites and my new films are out there and I’ve returned, but I don’t know where to go. I don’t know of a single place that’s a cross between a boarding school, a health farm/clinic and a church where its quiet and I can like, talk to a priest who cant see my face so I can’t see his disappointment, and I can get it out of my system and someone will tell me what to do. I miss Michael my rock, he would have listened and made it all OK again but he is up in the sky and can’t talk back. When I look like an adult people see me like that and they really think I can make my own mind up and sort myself out, but I can’t I really can’t and right now I’m not coping just getting through the days. So when you see me again in the films you will know I took all this into the scenes, but cried my eyes out after I got home. Emma Bishop created me and saves me every time, but even she can’t this time. I cant post this as Emma Bishop because she is strong and confident and smiles for the camera and is the heroine I want to be in my normal and more real Middle life. I shouldn’t write like this and bore people to tears when its my hormonal week, but this time I won’t delete it because its how I feel and will feel until someone tells me it wasn’t a dream and what I must do for my own good because I don’t know what that is anymore, who ever did when they fell in love with the wrong person on paper? I don’t love on paper but with my heart but this time it feels like there will always be chains around my heart. Maybe the only way out of it is to be told by a grown up that I WILL or WON’T do this, but I want to hear it from someone who I know will be there for me after I have.

If all of this sounds too cryptic, the simple truth is that I had a new Daddy who I met in May in a sliding doors train moment, and he was gone with the wind and had to go away under a cloud. We had great times but there was a lot to him that got in the way, but I cannot say. Keeping it go myself has been the hardest thing I had to do. I think I fell in love and if things were different I might have ran away with him. Only time will tell if it was for the best and if forgetting hin forever was the only way to treasure what might have been.

I always saw role play as “a way in”. In my work as a model it meant I could set the boundaries and give people their scene, so it kept me safe and I never had to roam, experiment, or go outside of method acting if I needed to bring it in. I never had to do anything more than be myself through a character. I got to the stage where people used to write testimonials on my website and say they had never known such reality before. One or two wrote privately to call off future dates because they got scared that I got too close to reality. They told me they felt awkward that it was like spanking a real schoolgirl age girl, and it made them uncomfortable as parents/responsible adults. I never used to act and only tapped into method if it was going so slow that I wanted to depict some emotion, even though my limits we high and I had it so covered it became a routine.

What people didn’t know was that an early experience movie I made called ‘A Visit to the School Governors’, which was a fly on the wall ‘live’ filmed drama broke me afterwards and changed my role plays forever. I hated taking off my school uniform afterwards because it has always been a part of where I am, never a fantasy or thrill. A lost normal childhood, memories I have to catch up on, and doing things for the first time, which I still am. I cried in the arms of my famous co-star ‘tog’ who was my muse, in the empty pub afterwards as the staff were sweeping up with no idea. I didn’t want to leave school I wanted to go back to the dormitory.

I always had films in my head as a child of being in a 1950’s type girls school and having real corporal punishment, but most of my dreams were so vivid and more to do with being included rather than the discipline. It was unsexy as you can get, but harrowing, like being in the Magdalene Asylums, a film that makes me shake and cry like I had lived it. I have past life flashbacks so deep I can touch them like I know my way around and I brought them into my work.

So, being told I am being expelled and will never see my friends again in a film or role play can break me. Being excluded or told I’m not good enough is the worst thing anyone can do to me. I know that feeling so well and have seen it in my dreams and I can’t take away the reality so it will always show.

So, you wanna role play with me? Sure, if you think you could really get to know and love me and let me be my real self. But if you just want to do a ‘scene’ on the surface, please don’t let me be myself so I can act as an adult pretending to be a schoolgirl, or you may get more than you wanted.

Written for those who wanted to hear part of my story, and, after I read this and didn’t want to explain:
https://fetlife.com/users/4832168/posts/5607279

Here are some latest pictures after my boyfriend spanked me:

I wonder what the hell I’m doing sometimes, and I feel like I have sold out to my beliefs and what I always understood D/s to really be. It has always been something I was born with and is a living drug inside my whole psyche. The nearest thing I saw to describing my feelings was when I saw ‘The Secretary’ film and saw so much of myself in the girl, because I was doing all of this with someone way before I knew there was even a ‘scene’ where people played at it and went to parties to “play”. The spanking action in the film wasn’t great but the psychology was perfect, they got it so right to what I was brought up with.

As a spanking model it was easy for me to use all of my natural submissiveness in a scene without acting because I never want to. I am trained to ignore cameras, but always did even before professional training, and I make it only about me and my disciplinarian so that it is as close as it can be for me to give me the experiences I need myself, so I try to lead it into reality if I can. Sometimes not all co-stars or film companies will go there, because it’s dangerous territory and relies on huge trust between actors ability and beyond sticking rigidly to the plot. Of course the goal is to meet the final objective, but how you get there can be easy, or complicated and most actors will go for the easy way because it’s a “job”. I am not doing films right now but have struggled with getting in too deep in some of my “play” sessions, so I had to walk away for periods to recover. I am like a few other method actors who get too wrapped up in their characters. I have done the same and it hurts and is one of the worst experiences ever and I admit I have had big moments of despair and wanting to hurt myself afterwards. I have left, but really I can’t. I am made this way, it is always here, even when it hurts emotionally.

I had a Mentor for years and that felt right for me at the time because he was settled and it was appropriate to keep it at arm’s length, and anyway we did not have “that” sort of connection. I was punished for real reasons, we never “played”, he never gave me a play spanking in over 5 years, it was real life. I never knew what a good girl spanking was until last year after lots of spanking activity with many people. I never really wanted a ‘Dom’ from the first moment I ever knew there was a ‘scene’ a few years ago, but I just couldn’t put the right words to what I wanted until about a year ago, and by pure chance quite recently I found that having a “Daddy” was the closest to it, and I am happy now and settled because I feel protected and cared for in the right way. I still shy away from serial players and those who are playing games or performing a topping service or trying to big up their own reputations, and I am still wary about it all around me in the scene. I will never queue up in a line of girls to be spanked by anyone, unless it’s a “Uniformed Tops” type play event and I can choose my leading man! They may well be fantastic technically and may totally do it for me in a mildly sexual way, but a real submissive always wants more when the line after play is crossed if there is a bigger connection, and most people are not in a position or brave enough to give that. I do enjoy party spanking games in the round though because I know they are games like pass the parcel and there is no pressure and you don’t have to have any real connection other than the chemistry in the play at that time. It’s easy and fun and giggly and I can walk away now without wondering “what if?”.

Right now I am having fun and I feel cared for and it’s part of a bigger friendship. But I admit that I’m a simple girl, all I ever wanted was a boyfriend and partner who spanks me and is not a big player in the scene at all and is happy with just us. I have had to compromise along the way and stumble around but that was always my utopia dream.In fact here is the only personal ad I ever posted in 2008 in a ‘Head of Household’ group:

I am re-posting my ad in here. I am in no hurry to find Mr Right as I am really busy and starting a college course tomorrow but just in case he is still out there and wants to take me in hand, why not. I have dated quite a few this year but most have been selfish BDSM ‘players’ in disguise as DD/HoH types or there has been no chemistry between us. I am attracted by intelligence, assertiveness and true gentlemen.

My perfect partner also happens to naturally assume the role of HoH (Head of Household) and manage Domestic Discipline in the home where spanking is given to maintain harmony (maintenance) and also as punishment for bad behaviour. I am not interested in ‘play’ partners, but seek real discipline for real reasons with someone special given in a personal and loving relationship. Also having a sensual and erotic side to discipline with that one special person I would love too. I will know my place with you but we will have an equal vanilla side in a relationship and make decisions and plans together, although his decision is final. I am not looking for a part time occasional/passing through situation but a normal bf/gf relationship like any other. I am NOT looking for a “Dom” or “Master” at all, but need DD (Domestic Discipline) as a deterrent and to help me function better. I love music (everything from Paramore to Alicia Keyes to Laura Nyro), shopping, eating out,movies, holidays abroad and travelling to big lively cities, theatre and visiting art galleries. I am a professionally qualified Marketing, Creatives and Web designer, have produced my own spanking movies (so very Media savvy), and spend much time online. I also things like short breaks in country cottages, holidays or short trips to European cities of culture and entertainment. I am not really a sun, sea and beach bum lol! You must be tall, attractive and presentable, well educated (so that I can learn from you (think of me as your Eliza Doolittle!), well spoken, articulate, solvent, intelligent, resourceful, creative and imaginative. You must become my best friend and soulmate. I am not looking for married men, liars, travelling businessmen staying in hotels looking for a quick fix, two-timers, or those who wish me to be their personal occasional “spankee” or “first reserve”, but a boyfriend of my own in a full relationship. I am a fun caring person (so I am told) and if you don’t think the same and know how to make me feel like I’m your Princess then please don’t bother. I am not interested in workaholics or people that will put me second and not make any effort in our relationship. Although I am submissive, I am nobody’s “doormat, “slut”, “bitch” or “whore” and hate all of those words that demean me. I expect you to be as interested in me as a person and friend as I am in you in all ways. In return i am a true submissive, so i am told, very loving and giving, creative and intelligent, fiercely loyal, but only to someone I can truly adore and who will truly love me for all I am. Think love, hugs, sensitivity and nurturing and you will likely be on my wavelength. I will not pleasure you unless you treasure me :)….. because I’m worth it! 

Sometimes I wonder who my own people are and I have to compromise along the way to fit in a lot. I read so much stuff in forums and think the whole Dom/sub thing has turned into a 50 shades playground and the mental connection and essence of what I always believed in is replaced by points scoring, trophy collection and some people thinking the only thing that matters is ability and how hard they hit someone. I have played with most of the best spankers and biggest names in the scene as a model and privately, so I know in my own mind who is “good” at it (if that’s all that matters to them) and what the levels are.  I am definitely a babygirl, that much I know, and all the politics and games can stay in the playground.

My Daddy spanked me yesterday and here are some pictures of my bottom and reactions!

Once upon a time I was a “spankee” and I didn’t do ‘BDSM’ and I still don’t in lots of grown up ways. There were always things I tried once (everything from candle wax to blindfolds). I didn’t mind them but was afraid to admit it, in case the other person may have wanted to give me more of it or up the level, or scare me too much thinking I wanted it. I still have a lot of hard limits and really only get my bottom spanked most of the time, but lately I’ve tried impact on my thighs and rather don’t mind it. I sessioned with someone earlier in this blog who used a tawse on my thighs. I hated it at the time and said I would never do it again, because it was very clinical and cold and hard and I didn’t know him at all before we met, so I was scared off and very upset by it all. Also I exceeded my professional play limits by a mile that day and wanted to be hurt and have pain to get over something emotionally, so it was all the wrong way to go about it and I won’t ever make that mistake again. My partner that day was very nice personally and obliging, but I just went too far out of the role play scene I had in mind. However, I remember coming home and enjoying looking at the marks I had afterwards and watching them turn into big purple bruises and then fade.

This is how I started out with my private and exclusive mentor long before I knew there was a ‘scene’ with other people doing the same thing and other girls getting spanked at home. I had virginal flesh as a newbie and I craved looking at my marks afterwards from his hard hand spankings alone and having the sting and sore bottom that lasted for ages. I still get it sometimes and always for real because it shows me who is in charge and reminds me of my boundaries when I misbehave. I hate it at the time but I always learn from it, particularly when I try to get my own way too much or make myself ill by totally ignoring the good advice and rules I have.

When I filmed with Spanked in Uniform  a few years ago (OMG was it that long?!), I still remember that as one of the times I had a very sore bottom that I couldn’t sit down, and I slept on my tummy when I went to bed because it was red raw to the touch. I was rooming with another spanking model Lottie Kinsade and it was wonderful to compare our marks, and the next day we did it all again. Although this was professional filming and role play,  I wanted to do it all for totally real, so I did. I asked Mike not to hold back when he spanked me and he didn’t, so I bratted him and rolled my eyes as much as I could in one of the storylines to put myself in the zone. I used my method acting training to turn it into a real event in my head so that I felt remorseful and properly disciplined. I spent a few days writing a back story in my head before the shoot for each character to make them all different, but I had to find a quiet corner before I went into the scene to get myself in the right state emotionally and in role. Then it was easier to let go and go with it as if the camera were a fly on the wall, which I had done in all my own films from the first one I made. That is how I roll, it’s the only way I know how to do any of this in films. As I have discipline in real life, although I have not been in films for a few years and may not again,  I can easily tap into it and use my senses to create the same feeling I need to have if the scene would benefit from reality. I like comedy though too but that’s another challenge in how I can find a feeling of ‘reality’ in those scenes.

Here are some pictures of my recent fun and discipline with my Daddy. I have ventured out a little more and am enjoying everything we do together, because it’s nice and slow and given and accepted from someone I trust to look after me. It takes me lots of time to be this brave but when I am I don’t know what I am capable of. I know I am more of a masochist than I will ever admit to, so maybe I’m a lot more ‘BDSM’ than I imagined sometimes.

 

I was very upset the other day when I allowed someone I didn’t know, to have my Skype ID and ended up chatting to him until 3 o’ clock in the morning. I had gone to bed on time as Daddy said which is in my own rules, but I forgot to turn my phone onto mute. A message woke me up and I couldn’t sleep and was bored so I went online and chatted to some of my friends I knew, but got into a chat with someone I had added but never met or knew much about. I am usually very careful who I add as a friend and should have checked out more of the person’s interests because they were far too adult and explicit for me, and our conversation ended up in an embarrassing situation which upset me. I didn’t want to text Daddy as it was stupid o’clock and could wait until the morning but I found it hard to get back to sleep, as I had been silly and was mad at myself.

I told my Daddy in the morning and he calmly said he wasn’t mad at me but angry at the man that I was being groomed and told me to block the person which I did. He was not happy with me for going online after bedtime when I could easily have read a book or watched some TV if I really could not sleep, because I had put myself in danger. I cried a lot on the phone, I was genuinely upset when I told him because I felt like I had let myself down again. I didn’t do anything rude but had to see things in my face I did not want to and I thought it was my fault.  Daddy said if he were there right now he would have put me across his knee, taken down my knickers down and given me a very hard spanking I wouldn’t forget. But he wanted to come over and give me a big hug too, because I was crying and shaking like a leaf on the phone when I told him.

Anyway Daddy wanted to see me sooner rather than later to deal with this, and I also had other things on my list that he wanted to “chat” about at the same time. These were the things we had to “discuss” he said:

a) I teased Daddy that I could take 100 spanks with the spank stick and 100 with the stingy shoe horn. Teasing is naughty and he said he will teach me a lesson about this for showing off. Daddy decides what I will have always and is fair and careful so I learn a lesson, and it was naughty of me and I am lucky he didn’t actually give me all of this too!
b) “You got up an hour and a half late?! Did you set an alarm Emma? It’s not a very good start to your new routine, is it? Please note that you overslept on the first morning of your new routine”.

and the main one was

c) Going online in chat until 3 pm and getting involved in a Skype video conversation I should not have. Daddy said he is going to spank me for this so I will never think about doing it again and will be safe.

After a severe spanking across his knee I had a very hard caning, the wooden paddle, leather domestic discipline strap, and a hard slippering as well as other implements. I also had a few more hard spankings over his knee and corner times. I was tearful again and will never do this again, it really hurt and I am as hurt that I was so stupid. Daddy says I was naive, but only because I am immature and did not think it all through and rushed into chatting. He explained it all to me and I understand better now and will stay away from this, and I must tell my Daddy where I am and what I am doing at all times so he knows I am safe. This is one of my rules anyway and we are in touch every day about it too.

I am banned from Skyping with anyone new without Daddy’s permission, and adding friends I do not know who are not already known to my friends. If I am not sure I will tell Daddy and he will decide.  I can chat online to anybody who is already a friend and I have met or is known to my friends, I love chatting about all sorts of things, including spanking (lol) but not when they start taking their clothes off on camera and want me to take mine off too, that is sex and rude and insults me when I hardly know people and we have never even dated and don’t have any kind of relationship. I have my Daddy to look after me now and am very happy he is and I will tell him everything. My bottom was sore in the evening when I went to bed and the next morning so I will remember this and Daddy knows how sorry I am, but I know he punishes me because he loves me and is looking after me and wants me to be his good safe babygirl.

I am sorry I have been away a while. I made myself ill and overdid things with my activity so needed a break from all of this. During this time Mr W was helping to look after me. Now I am VERY happy because he is now my Daddy and is in charge of me from now on. I had been used to having Mentors and disciplinarians before but as I’m a babygirl who still has a very teenage attitude I really need much more closer supervision to help me function better and grow up. I did not want a “Dom”, it is much too grown up for me to understand but a Daddy is actually still a Dom but just not like a Master but better than that and not playing games at BDSM with it. I am very proud and love him for becoming my Daddy last week!! 🙂

When we met, after I had been punished I asked him to be my Daddy and he said Yes and we agreed our new situation. I had had a lot of things on my list I had to be punished for, and it was after that I knew I had found my Daddy. He always has me in tears well before I even get spanked and afterwards too, and we have a special closeness and connection so it just felt so right that he is my Daddy, because I had been fighting against it for so long but he finally got through to me that he cares about me and deserves to be my Daddy. We have been friends for years and he was there all the time for me, it just took me a while longer than most girls to realise it and accept it!

Anyway I had a lot of things on my naughty girl list that needed to be dealt with since my last punishment.

  • Being lazy and not taking care in the kitchen and burning my hand. Daddy said I must take more care around hotplates, roasting tins and grills etc., and use tongs!.
  • Missing piano practice because I thought something else was more important, when it was not. Just 10 minutes every day  minimum, but I usually try to play for an hour at least.
  • Posting a video on Facebook after I promised not to
  • Getting up late and relying on my sat nav, instead of planning the directions. I was driving the wrong way and almost missing an important interview.

I had a sound spanking to start with and cried even through that and by the end I had :

  • At least 5 hand spankings across his knee on my bare bottom
  • 6 strokes each from each cane in the picture gallery below + 3 extra for miscounting so he started again!
  • 6 with the plastic shoe horn
  • 6 with a black spank stick cane

So all in all I had 51 strokes and my bottom was very sore at the end and once again I was apologetic, but he punished me with lots of love and care and hugs afterwards and that’s why he is my Daddy and I am so happy again now!! ♥

It’s a good time right now because not only am I have piano lessons and getting good girl rewards, and am very busy with my normal career, but I am talking to a some people about being in films again later this year. It was not something I had planned and thought about but I was asked so it would be good fun to see how far I may have come in the past few years. You know me though, I love going into new territory and testing myself so it will be interesting to see what scenarios we come up with.

I have a mark on my bottom from the tip of a prison strap which was another unfortunate accident, but it is healing and fading and just looks worse than it is, nevertheless it is a consequence of playing too hard sometimes. I have re-set my limits and am more careful now about what I do in ‘play’ sessions professionally so I keep it to the levels most other girls would play at so I am told.  I am not obliged to do any more than that on this basis of agreement. I always try to make every session as real as it can be so I have to fight against myself sometimes. As a spanking model I have to be focused in role, but as a babygirl submissive and pretty immature and growing girl I have made mistakes with reality. Having had some serious accountability spankings for letting myself down though I hope I can behave better from now on and continue to have great fun with some lovely people.

I’m hoping to go back to the US in December too to another party and see my friends so I will be in touch with a few people out there to hopefully set up some additional fun times while I’m there.

Here are some pictures from my recent spanking from Mr W and a couple from an earlier session elsewhere. I had a 12 stroke caning from Mr W as well as spankings, domestic discipline straps, hairbrushes and the plastic shoe horn that seems to be well suited so I’m told. Once again I was left feeling sorry for myself in the corner. There is a big flat paddle that is always used but this time I had it when I was over his knee and it just meant that I got more strokes like a spanking, but as it is so big it covers all of my bottom and it is very stingy and quickly made my bottom very red and sore. I had a few things on my accountability list, like skipping bedtimes and missing piano practice and not admitting to it, but I did get some gold bear Haribo candies though for learning some new piano pieces. I love having good girl rewards like that too. I have wanted to learn since I was little and am learning to sight read too so it will all help make me a more rounded student in the classroom 🙂

Yesterday I reported to Mr W, in an accountability session; where I had a list of things that I had not met and was to be punished for according to the enforcement of rules I have for myself. One of the things I did lately was a repeat offence. I have done the same thing twice since 2012 and been punished for it both times, yet I still find it hard to stay within the lines that are there for my own protection.

The thing I was punished for was that the other day I played with someone at a level way beyond what I had in my own safe rules. I cried for ages about it afterwards at home as I let myself down and put myself out of action with a cut and some marks. I cried before I was spanked just from being told off, and after a pretty firm but not too hard spanking by his standards I ran off his lap and fell to the floor and was crying on the floor, before I finally sat up and he gave me a hug. I carried on crying, I really could not stop myself but he spoke and got my attention and wanted to capture how I was in some photos. He was shocked and he saw me at my most vulnerable. I rarely post pictures of me at my worst and although the lighting is bad, the tears were falling down my face.

I also had other spankings and a dose of the shoe horn and some leather paddles for procrastinating and not practising my piano lessons. It is not long or heavy, but still was enough to sting and make me think, after I was once again left with a sore bottom and some emotional ‘corner’ and thinking time about my behaviour.