emma_brits2Part One: Backstory to BBW and the Early days (Wednesday to Thursday)

I had the most wonderful time in Atlantic City over the weekend, and this is the hardest blog post I have had to write as there were so many good things that opened my eyes tinged with moments of regret and angst at having to dumb myself down. Anyone who knows me will know I fly around at 100mph and the word ‘relax’ is not in my vocabulary. I have never found it easy to do because I’m always looking for the next challenge or personal goal to fulfil and I once decided that if I were ever going to die it would be having a good time and dying through exhaustion and hyper activeness, and not from relaxing too long having an easy life. I ignore people who tell me to take it easy and look after myself more and I have been punished and spanked before for burning myself out, so one day I will either actually listen to somebody or….well anyway….

I arrived in Atlantic City last Wednesday and although the early meet and greet was the following evening I wanted to settle into my hotel room early, have a peaceful night and be fresh the next day. That was the plan, and that should have been a rule I enforced for myself but as I am currently Daddy, Mentor, or Guardian-less and was at BBW on my own…I sort of forgot. My build up to the event started months ago when I first registered, but before I go on to describe my fun times at the party I will mention what happened the previous two weeks before I arrived, which in some ways were and still are significant in how they affected my emotional and physical state.

I was doing some late night exercise tone up my tummy on Wednesday 10th April before bed and pulled a muscle in my back twisting side to side, doing similar exercises I do most every day and have for years. I could hardly move the next day and was put on pain killers for two weeks which I should have still been taking through the Boardwalk Badness Event under Doctor’s orders. However after a few days it was easier so I stopped taking the tablets and threw them away so I wouldn’t have to take them to the US (and could drink and have fun!). I was so pleased to have recovered (in my mind) on the 15th, just in time for my flight out on the Wednesday 17th. However, disaster struck again though that day when I had a horrid pimple on my bottom which felt like a bruise and made sitting down uncomfortable. I have no idea how or why I got it or where from, maybe an unclean cane or something or a toilet seat but something was trying to ruin my trip and tell me not to go to the party at all. I was mortified and in tears and although I had it squeezed it was very sore and I had to use cushioned plasters and hope it healed so I could at least have some play for some of the party. I tried to put it out my mind and got packed and ready to get the coach to London and fly out to Philadelphia.

I arrived in Philadelphia two hours later than scheduled as the flight was delayed, and I was met by a US friend I made online who offered to chaperone me and collect me in his car. On the way to the hotel he kindly stopped off at a Pharmacy so I could get some antibiotic gel that was recommended by the Pharmacist at the UK airport for my poorly bottom, which had by now turned into a cyst before I took off. We had a nice meal together and went to the hotel, where I had an immediate welcome spanking and introduction to US leather straps and paddles. He was careful to apply them to the side of my bottom which was OK, but I felt brave after a drink and once the antibiotic cream worked so I asked him to give me a few hard as normal anywhere on my bottom as if I weren’t injured. I hate feeling like a wuss and hoped I could just carry on playing as normal with a gel plaster on. It was so great to have arrived and I was grateful of any kind of stress relieving spanking, having stressed about the delayed flight too. After having a freshen-up we went down to the bar to meet the team and other early revelers who had arrived. It was a chance to meet Richard Windsor and Mike Stein from the organising team and their network as well as catching up with Pandora Blake a familiar UK face. As I said, I originally planned an early night but after the bar we were invited up to a suite for more drinks and chat and it was fantastic to share anecdotes with the US spankos and find out what was in store at the party. I went to bed some time around 4am (I think) but with a smile and feeling already very welcomed across the pond!

Thursday Morning arrived and there was a breakfast brunch meeting laid on for 11am. In my usual ‘Trouble with Emma’ style I had set my clock for 9am to get up early and shower, only to find I woke up at 10.45 to see I had set it for 9pm! So, I had 15 minutes to get dressed and get downstairs as there was a veiled threat that if I wasn’t out of bed one of the ‘Tops’ might be sent up to persuade me to get out of bed! Anyway I snuck in at 11.10 and got to meet the entire organising team and get to know the names and faces of the wonderful people who I would soon be adding to my friends list. After that my chaperone friend took me to the Metro PCS shop to get my US mobile phone set up again so I could make local calls to my friends in the US and hook up with any new ones, as well as phoning home. Next up was some time to chill in my room and unpack properly before Richard Windsor’s hot tub pool party. This was wonderful as I had the first chance this year to wear my swimsuit for the first time in ages and the pool area was so warm so it felt like I really was on holiday. The hot tub was wonderfully warm and the chlorine in the water helped to soothe my bottom which had swollen up badly from my recklessness the day before but I had a glow and it was so worth it at the time 🙂 As people started arriving by now I was so relaxed as I had already been there almost a day that I found it easy to mix and discuss possible dance card dates. I dunked myself in the hot tub to wet my hair and it always goes naturally curly and I look a mess (although some want me to stay curly forever), but in this environment who cares what I look like, it’s about being yourself and letting out and letting go. I found that out a lot more as the party fever set in. I hadn’t planned on talking myself into another spanking and had put off one or two people as I was conscious of my weak bottom, but I was reminded of a promise I had made online weeks before and an incident where I had misbehaved. So, I was to keep my semi wet swimming costume on underneath my clothes as I left the pool and report back to my room with him. My bottom felt fine with the warm water healing it, or so I thought, and after a lecture I was very soundly spanked across the knee of this kindly caring friend who had been looking out for me online for a while. It stung more over my swimsuit, but as I was feeling damp and uncomfortable in it I took it off completely and had the hardest and fastest part of the finale in the nude on my bare bottom with no holds barred. I was feeling I had let myself down and it was reminded to me and I cried my eyes out throughout and was glad he didn’t stop because I needed to know that when I act like this I get what I richly deserve. I can only let myself go like this with few people I trust or have immediate chemistry with that make me feel in the right place emotionally, and I was conditioned to be able to give up my submission and the fight in me through years of close personal mentoring and discipline. I can’t explain how or why or when it happens like this but when it does and I know I need and deserve it, it is the single best benefit I can get out of any of this that is non sexual…hmmm well yes sometimes it is too when I stop crying and in the right situation 🙂 But was a special spanking I needed from a special friend who I know meant it because he cares about me and my feeling good about myself and not putting myself down.

That evening there was early registration at 8pm and I went down to eat early and met up with the lovely Marie and her friends who I joined for dinner. We had chatted online a little before and as I had set up to have a massage from her the next day it was good to meet and chat. I had never in my life had a massage before so was looking forward to a new experience. I went and collected my own registration badge and quickly recognised a lot of the people arriving, including fellow Brits I was already friends with socially and working together in films. I was introduced to many other wonderful personalities from Fetlife and tried to remember the names, but in the absence of that the smiles sufficed 🙂 Later in the evening there were suite parties and I found myself playing with virtually everybody who asked me as I was so glad to be there and high on too much alcohol already and to find such welcoming people who seemed glad I was there too. I noticed sometime during the playtime that my broken bottom was hardening up underneath the plaster because try hard as everyone did to avoid it, I sometimes asked people to ignore it because I just wanted to belong fully and be spanked properly without feeling like I had to have concessions and allowances made. After all I was ‘Emma Bishop’ the toughie Brit Brat, this can’t be happening to me, I am never injured or wearing plasters to play! The reality is all that I was making things worse and later in the week I would find out more….

to be continued ……

emma_flagHeyyyy! I haven’t blogged for a while so just as it comes I will write about my forthcoming trip to the US to attend ‘Boardwalk Badness Weekend’ in Atlantic City in 5 days!! On a whim, I decided to go because a) I usually have a holiday somewhere hot at this time of year and it will be warmer than here, and b) For the past four months I have been cooped up recording my music album and recovering from illness related scares that could have been worse but thankfully I got the all clear on…so I deserve some fun and nothing is going to spoil that, that was/is the plan. However, last Sunday I stupidly did sit-ups before bed having already worked out for an hour and gone running and I pulled a nerve muscle in my back. So now i’ve been on pain killers and am trying to get fit for the event. Thankfully today is better and I walked three miles fine so I am pretty certain I will be OK in a day or two phew!
This photo (left) is an early modeling pic when I joined the scene as a spanking model back in the day (late 2006). As I am attending a ‘Meet the Brits’ event out there this seems  appropriate as a flag flyer. I was ‘The UK Brit Brat’ at that time and for a few years afterwards/still am :)! Photo by Roy T (thanks!) but I cut my friend out who shot with me as she is doing other things now 🙂

I had some great spanking sessions recently and in my last one took around 36 with the cane, pretty hard, some full force and it was a great workout as I’d been slowly building up again after my injury last year and four months of pitter-pattering around it. The best thing about it was that my spanker had created a system where within the role play I had the chance to have a say in how much I wanted of each implement. As it was role play that was fine, although in real life spanking I never have or want any kind of say in that, it is not my place and once I give control at the start of any relationship it stays there. In role play, professionally or otherwise, I think there has to be a more gradual consent as you get to know someone and can agree limits. I usually expect the spanker to gauge that from my reactions but every now and again, I will say something maybe a hint and hope they get it and re-adjust. As I am not in a spanking real life relationship at the moment then things are controlled a lot more and although it is not what I am used to, it is sensible and nobody gets too deeply into it. I’m finding lots more fun and games in spanking play too so even going to a party is fun again for now. I am very much on the edge emotionally a lot anyway and hang on to my emotions and bottle a lot up so I am wary of sharing that unless it feels right and is in a situation where there may be some futurology. I have deliberately shied away from seeking disciplinary spankings even when I have needed them and known I have screwed up and misbehaved badly, because I know myself I am only capable of giving myself fully to them if I have already bought into and agreed a whole arrangement. I have had one-offs where I’ve been spanked on the spot and cried my eyes out and often wish I could do that more, but for the most part that takes a huge amount of trust from me to give myself to that so I rarely let myself enter into that, even if inside I know I need it and was bought up on regular sore bottoms from my former Mentor. Its a battle with myself and also because I am very feminine and old fashioned and never ask for anything, it is never my place to, so unless I am told then and just taken in hand by someone things won’t happen. Of course I have to want to be told by that particular person at that time, so its a big call and the other person has to be very determined and strong with me or I will just get my own way and talk my way out of it.

I am finding I like leather a lot more than wood right now but its only because I gave up taking wood for a while and got more used to the feel of spanking and straps again so now wood feels a little alien. I forgot the sensation but after my session on Tuesday it is coming back again and I still like it but have to grit my teeth a little more than I did before. At one time I could take 100 strokes but now I am wary of getting cut and being out of action for a while so I am more sensible. It is all in my control and although I hate that in some ways, it keeps me doing more things more often right now. I have a few sessions booked for when I come back from the US so I hope I will be back to normal with all the potential activity out there. I have a really good Quality Control leather paddle and always include it in the implements people can use in a session because it has a certain sting and spread to it that I like. Of course if it were used in a disciplinary at a higher level I am likely to hate it, but the sensation from leather feels a lot better than it used to when I just saw it as another implement and could not distinguish the feel of it so much, as I had been having too many years of severe impact play that blurred my fun and experience,

I am having dialogue with a few Americans online and in the forum group for the party but am finding there is a big difference and misunderstanding in humour sometimes, so when I am (maybe) deliberately bratting or teasing someone they sometimes think I am complaining or saying I’m not happy with something or don’t want something, so in the end I just politely leave it there. I am very much a face to face person and often someone can look at me a certain way and I know what they mean and my reaction gives me a way too. So I hope I can learn the spanking party language over there and not give anyone the impression than I am any sort of stuck up aloof Brit! In fact I was the unofficial “UK Brit Brat” for a few years and did a shoot with the Union Jack as a backdrop which helped me on my way to more work and spanking ‘fame’ so at last I am getting to walk the walk and be the brat all over again!

So…its like hmmm 10.27pm and I’m starting writing to you literally off the top of my very tired head, but I have been so busy and built in additional procrastination, that every time I wanted to write a blog post my quill dried up and I scrapped it after the first line as it didn’t sound interesting to me. Now I will just go for it, pick up my content notes, cutting and pasting where I can and scribble away! I’ve had four 2am bedtimes in a row this week as I’ve been really busy on and off for five months recording new songs for my first album (I think I mentioned I dabble in being a bedroom based musician/songwriter and bad singer?) so I want to get to bed before midnight tonight if I can. I used to write my blogs in freefall but now I’m tongue tied and go off at tangents and keep censoring myself because of who may think what and if it’s about them, so I really need to see if I can write this and not care anymore..anyway…

Lately I’ve been embracing Emma Bishop again. But what does that mean, I am Emma Bishop? Well it means being busy again in this part of my life and enjoying being a part of forums and making new friends again like I did before. Whether I like it or not and I am entrenched in that image, and as I was recently reminded about I’ve been immortalised as a caricature forever by David Ell in his cartoon series: (see images below)


… so I guess I must have been geeky enough at some stage in this career and probably still am so why fight it? Even though I have other strings to my media arts bow why not just be and enjoy this too? I can do it all I think as long as I keep all of my ID’s apart and don’t blog about being spanked in Facebook or give a powerpoint presentation showing my best assets at the staff annual dinner! I’m not alone in this cyber jungle and know how dangerous it is with snoopers everywhere, whether they be bosses, trolls, stalkers, or rivals in some warped way but I realise there is a thin line between being honest and open enough to not care what anyone thinks and being suicidally blase and reckless if other people can get dragged in too.

I wrote a post in Fetlife the other day about ‘Friends’ and what they mean to me in social media sites and why I don’t collect them. It is mainly because I have been a victim of being too open and trusting before that I have learned some hard lessons about what I now call a ‘Friend’. It doesn’t mean I have to know every single friend personally in real life but at the very least I like to be able to gauge something about who they are and how they think from their profile/likes or if they have courteously messaged me introducing themselves. I freely admit that by now and with experience to back this up, I am not inclined to add people if I am unlikely to indulge their interests or their interest in wanting to add me, so broadly I am unlikely to have anything much to say to male subs, guys openly displaying their genitalia in pictures or those with heavy BDSM Master/Slave inclinations. I do have friends who Switch but I have said all I want to on that now suffice to say I am really only inclined to converse with them when they have a Dom hat on, otherwise I find I get really embarrassed and I’m not comfortable talking about what they do as a sub after they have just said they want to spank me. I am a girl who is a hard wired spanko and being spanked is what interests me, simples…nuff said!

I got asked the other day if I like girls and if I like being spanked by them, or am attracted to them, because if spanking is not sexual to me then why does it matter? I have answered this in an interview as best I could without giving away what is or isn’t sexual for me because it’s a no win. If I say “spanking turns me on” then I have had spankers asking me before  if I’m wet and aroused and I find that very awkward as it crosses a line for me if I have no other relationship with the person asking me that. Maybe I’m afraid I will give a wrong signal that may be acted upon innocently by the other person and then find myself having to justify what I really meant. Yes I have had this situation before where I was too honest about what I was enjoying and I got it wrong and wanted the ground to open up so I am more careful now, which in some ways means I am more tense and less relaxed but it has to be that way until such time something exceptional happens to make me change my mind like it would on any vanilla ‘date’ and I can say what I really want and enjoy. The Atomic Kitten song “Whole Again” resonates because feeling whole means I am giving myself up and sharing something I also think is so special I want it to matter, but if I do that and the other person is playing casual mind fuck games with me then its risky territory,  as after all people have their own personal boundaries and beliefs that I always respect too.

The truth is I used to hate sex all my life, and spanking was always the only thing that turned me on inside, but something happened to me last year that changed everything and now I feel more at ease with myself because of it. I had vanilla sex on holiday when I was having a great time and with someone I totally had the hots for as soon as we met and it turned out it was mutual, and I was comfortable with him so I came back feeling happy and confident and pleased with myself that I had got rid of a big emotional block in my head. However, I am hugely immature and I stupidly glowed and showed off about it and made a  fool of myself like I was in the playground, but to me it was about feeling “whole again”for the first time and it was like losing my real virginity because I no longer felt all wrong, dirty and worthless, but wanted and enjoyed . Of course I have had a few sexual experiences (but not many, abstinence was easier)  but I did not really enjoy them and didn’t feel comfortable with the other person in the way I wanted to, or myself, even though I have had some lovely boyfriends and spanking partners in the past few years who I know cared about me and I shared some good sexual fun with very few but only since I felt right about me too. I always felt there was something wrong with me having sex, but now I know there is not at all and it was all in my head. Now when I am being spanked it feels easier to let myself be turned on, but only if I have some kind of chemistry with someone can I still to allow myself to show that, if that makes sense, although I am still always afraid that if I do say too much and the other person doesn’t feel the same way and then I make a fool of myself. I don’t want to let go with anybody I don’t feel right with, or it is wrong to do so because it won’t go anywhere because of circumstance, so of course its easier to keep it to myself anyway until I ever do again.

What I will always say though in any session with anybody is that if I enjoyed what we did I always glow and will say so, I just won’t go into specific personal details about how it affected me unless it is in a warranted situation if that makes sense? I am still vulnerable and scared and need hugs, strong arms and warm words to help me feel safe, but my play motto is just to “stay safe, play safe and have fun” without taking it too seriously, because it keeps me on track and I don’t have to risk anything. I would love to belong and feel wanted and be everyone’s favorite friend or flavour, but I know its safer for me to keep to myself and not have to explain or justify my complex self and feel second class to anyone anymore. I know I am fine, I always knew, that so now I will be fine. I’m tired of being asked about the sex and spanking question for years and about sexuality, and being delved into and dissected by people I hardly know, like I owe it to them to explain myself at all when for all I know they could have all kinds or nasty backgrounds and secret pasts and I often think “who are you anyway?”, and I have to tip-toe around with my reply. Until now I didn’t have an answer so I hope this will say everything now, and if there is anything else I will only ever say it when it matters to people who matter to me in a way I can trust….moving on, i’m done now.

Coming back to female spankers though, I’m not attracted to  girls but I like or love them as friends, so being spanked by a girl does not feel the same to me. I have had very few liaisons and close encounters with girls before but they never felt right and I was acting it all out but inside feeling messed up and wanting to run away and never go near anybody ever again of either gender, I just never had sex at all with anyone for most of my life, I couldn’t. That said, I can name one or two women I have totally respected as Dommes and it is because they were in positions of role play authority that I was able to power exchange my submissiveness to them, but it is very rare. I did not find it sexual or indulge myself (which I know people may think is a contradiction as maybe I should be more relaxed with another girl and be able to think only of myself safely) but I still felt inhibited about crossing the ‘spanking and sexual’ line because to me once I show any sort of sexual desire or interest in a scene then I have no way back from that. Maybe I am secretly hoping someone will tell me one day its OK to relax and take out something for me too but I am scared to and most times just go all out to meet their needs. A lot of people I’ve played with don’t have to meet any of my needs anyway as in a professional session it is not for me anyway which is fine, so maybe I have just got so used to that and now its a safety mechanism.  So, girls who Domme or Switch are very safe, I have no interest in ever asking a girl to spank me at all but hugs and friendly kisses are fine :)!

Anyway, I had some good sessions with recent friends since I last wrote and in one I put my WRAF uniform on (real one) and had a really fun scene where neither of us knew what the rank names were so we both agreed I was demoted from a Corporal to a Sergeant! Either way I was really pleased I managed to take a lot of strokes with a wide wooden paddle I have as well as some rapid caning, and guess what, once again my bottom went red very quickly again. I also did a great scene recently where I was a housewife disobeying her husband and not wearing the right clothes, so I had to change into my seamed stockings and shortest skirt, kneel before him and hold out canes and give thanks…so it was very DD but with a lot of control and humiliation and took me into some new positions and situations. Here are some pictures to end on as I have rambled a lot tonight and want to save time to upload pictures and post before midnight!

2012 was the year I went to Dubrovnik and Lisbon and was busy with occasional sessions and spankings from friends. I also shot my last ‘Trouble with Emma’ film called ‘The PA Presents’ (until my late return to the scene), where I played a secretary working for a female boss, who was in turn submissive to a strict dominant couple. It was semi ‘fly on the wall’ but turned into something else after filming. It left me confused and that it went too far and was out of my control, but it was a good learning experience for me.

One week later I was back in ‘Sir’s study and this time I was punished for:

  • Two late nights chatting in the site ‘Informed Consent’ – I was given a slippering for this over the punishment bench.
  • For my “attitude” when I was “once again being thoughtless” when talking to him in chat – I received an over the knee spanking for this.
  • I was sulking, being rude, snappy and sullen to everyone for over a week in online chat and at home and in public.  – I was given an over the knee spanking and then slippered. I was also grounded and banned from using the Informed Consent website for at least a week.

I was not a happy girl around this time and found it hard to come to terms with my label as his submissive as he had other relationships that I thought made my less important. It was new to me to be in this situation and I did not cope well so I decided to leave on friendly terms. We stayed in touch and remained friends but I did not think it was committed or serious enough for me to relax enough and be honest about my behaviour, so I withdraw and sulked a lit. The spanking I had for thsi was not enough to change my mind because I felt sad and that this would be my last punishment. It was all too soon for me to be in this relationship with him. I am immature and pretty naive when it comes to discipline relationships as I only ever had one serious long term mentor before, so once again I decided to run away.

I had started having regular visits to ‘Sir’ at the time and he was getting to understand me. This was my third punishment and was for:

  • Throwing a tantrum in online chat. I was sarcastic and suggested our spanking relationship wasn’t serious and was a game, because ‘Sir’ was also in another punishment relationship with someone else and it felt wrong for me to be in this too. I was cheeky and kept answering back and when he told me to “Stop it Now” I disobeyed and carried on talking and acting like a spoilt madam he said.  – I had a very intense over the knee spanking, followed by a slippering, the wooden and leather paddles and a hairbrush, plus 12 strokes of the Cane
  • I was also 4 minutes late to bed – I had a 4 minute over the knee spanking for this too.

emma_caned_160812

My second visit to his study and this time it was for:

  • Texting when driving. It was very serious and highly dangerous and someone could have been killed and me too – I was given an over the knee spanking and 18 hard strokes of the cane.
  • I was caught emailing at work when I should have been working – I was given another spanking across his knee after some corner time
  • I had double booked an appointment on 24th July to meet a stranger. I was disrespectful to both men as I had already agreed a date with him – I had another very hard spanking across his knee.

This was my very first punishment in 2012 at a time when Mr W was  my Dom. It was for:

  • Being rude and cheeky when he first asked me about helping me and becoming my Dom. I was a bit offish and a brat and suggested he could not handle me well enough. I did not take him seriously which was very hurtful to him so he taught me a lesson that day.
  • Being rude to someone who I was staying with as a guest in his house in London when told off for wearing shoes in the house
  • Being rude and wearing at the receptionist in the B&B I stayed with in Victoria, London who said I had to pay £10 deposit for the room key. I told her it was “bloody ridiculous”

I was given a cold caning of 12 strokes, 12 strokes of the Prison Strap and a very hard over the knee spanking.

This year I continued my long sabbatical from spanking work from 2010, and was back in school and living in New York as an acting student for the first three months. After that I had lots of auditions and that kept me out of ‘Trouble’! I did have some fun again though later in the year and start to get back to Spanking again!

At the start of 2010 I was shooting in Holland with Spanked in Uniform, I travelled with my friend Lottie Kinsade who I had gotten to know online via talking to her boyfriend, and we quickly became friends. We were the first two UK models (and in fact, non Dutch models) to shoot for them and I spent a lot of time talking to Mike about the ideas and even helping with the school uniforms for the site. It was a fantastic experience and I was asked by other UK models what it was like and give a testimonial, so that they would follow and work for SIU too.

Later in the year. I got married and went to acting school in New York and started a long sabbatical.