I did that BDSM test the other day and it really surprised my ‘parents’ because I scored high as a brat.
Father said… “It is perhaps a surprise though that the “brat” score is so high…. I was thinking that brats rather enjoy being naughty……is that right do you think? It seems to me that you rather do try to be good, but are just not always successful?”
I said…”I don’t set out to be a brat in my relationships, but I’m a middle and used to lots of attention and I lose interest and withdraw if I don’t get it and I move on, so then its just like vanilla friendship. It depends if my needs are met and how inhibited I feel in a situation and if I can be myself or not. I become how I feel I’m being treated and I sulk and don’t handle endings well just like any teenager really as you know and keep telling me but I can’t help it, it really is out of my control in a medical brain maturity kind of way like I explained when we all met. I do brat a lot to test people out. I don’t deliberate set out to in my head but it takes me over and is just how I am. I don’t expect people to realise or deal with that because most times I don’t know them too well they are scared off by me if it’s too real I think, and they prefer play and scenes which are easy and less effort as way in.”
This got me thinking so I ended up writing a poem that just came out of my head in the canteen at school! ..
A Brat’s Creed
I see the things you follow And wonder if I’d walk behind I try to smoke you out To see if you’re my kind
By throwing you a teaser I get to know your style I read each word in pictures And most times run a mile
My mind will spin in cartwheels If magic words are said My body wil be tempted To catch up with my head
But if you are just a wordsmith I quickly see the truth Touché, au revoir or c’est la vie This brat run rings around you.. but.. doesn’t really want to.
I often have times when its all too much and I just wanna run away from trying to act grown up and right now I just want to get a plane somewhere hot and be totally on my own. I say I will sleep and get myself together but after a while I get bored so end up online again and tired, all the reason why I run away in the first place and its a cycle I cant break right now. I used to have a journal, rules, a schedule, time limits and stuff but they are gone, I need them but wont ask for them as its too complicated even to ask my parents who are meant to be here for me. I need total rehab and detox from caffeine, vices like the internet and to be somewhere where I can be looked after but also straightened out so I know right from wrong again…sounds like I need a good spanking hey?
But the thing is I haven’t actually done anything wrong at all, this is not a cry for help in the way disciplinarians and mentors may pounce on me and say they can ‘help’ me. I accepted that before, and it did help then and I was grateful and got better but it won’t on its own right now. Like I said I haven’t done anything wrong, apart from falling in love and it is NOT my fault. The only two people i’ve told (when I always wanted to tell the whole world I’m in love, its every princess’s dream) think i’m walking around with blinkers on and I’m being naive. I feel like I should go to a confession box, but I haven’t actually sinned, but it feel like I’m drowning. I’m still a little girl. 14 actually or 9 as ‘he’ says and was probably more right than me, and I’m having to cope with an enormous big situation I’m in. I don’t trust new people who say they wanna be friends when really I know they just want to spank my bottom and will say they will help just to do that bit, and that is the last thing I need right now. My former mentor, and my parents (when I finally see them after their longest trip abroad) would have listened and help fix me but I don’t want to dump on them and they can’t give me enough time and have their own lives anyway. I saw Mama last week when she popped over but she was one of the two people I told and he reaction was the same as my friend, and I just wanted to cry and have hugs and wish it would all magically go away like it never happened, but she has her own life like I said so I left it there and I kept a lot in and smiled and drank wine even though I shouldn’t. So…its easier to be Emma Bishop where I can just concentrate on what I know I can do and I get to cry and pretend its because of the scene when really its all too much right now but I will use it as an outlet until I can be me again.
I am going to run away on my own soon once we have launched the websites and my new films are out there and I’ve returned, but I don’t know where to go. I don’t know of a single place that’s a cross between a boarding school, a health farm/clinic and a church where its quiet and I can like, talk to a priest who cant see my face so I can’t see his disappointment, and I can get it out of my system and someone will tell me what to do. I miss Michael my rock, he would have listened and made it all OK again but he is up in the sky and can’t talk back. When I look like an adult people see me like that and they really think I can make my own mind up and sort myself out, but I can’t I really can’t and right now I’m not coping just getting through the days. So when you see me again in the films you will know I took all this into the scenes, but cried my eyes out after I got home. Emma Bishop created me and saves me every time, but even she can’t this time. I cant post this as Emma Bishop because she is strong and confident and smiles for the camera and is the heroine I want to be in my normal and more real Middle life. I shouldn’t write like this and bore people to tears when its my hormonal week, but this time I won’t delete it because its how I feel and will feel until someone tells me it wasn’t a dream and what I must do for my own good because I don’t know what that is anymore, who ever did when they fell in love with the wrong person on paper? I don’t love on paper but with my heart but this time it feels like there will always be chains around my heart. Maybe the only way out of it is to be told by a grown up that I WILL or WON’T do this, but I want to hear it from someone who I know will be there for me after I have.
If all of this sounds too cryptic, the simple truth is that I had a new Daddy who I met in May in a sliding doors train moment, and he was gone with the wind and had to go away under a cloud. We had great times but there was a lot to him that got in the way, but I cannot say. Keeping it to myself has been the hardest thing I had to do. I think I fell in love and if things were different I might have ran away with him abroad. Only time will tell if it was for the best and if forgetting hin forever was the only way to treasure what might have been.
I had a recent slightly drunken conversation with a vanilla man friend who I kinda really like but never said, and he’s left and moved away now. He knows everything about my kink but isn’t a spanko. He said he could never ‘hit’ a girl…while I’m sitting there running a monologue through my head thinking I would be brave enough to happily offer to be his first sacrificial test crash dummy tee hee! Nice as he is though, and even with some obvious chemistry, from my side at least; he teases me and hints a lot but never cut to the freakin’ chase, with him not being a spanko it’s a deal breaker for me so I never said how I feel about him in all the other ways. If I had done it would only have got me in a stupid mess again, and I did say I will never compromise again so that’s dead in the water.
Anyway, when we were out once before he was looking at this pretty
girl at the bar with long legs and commenting about what type of girls
he likes. He regularly dropped in little criticisms about my boyfriend
at the time, insinuating he wasn’t imaginative enough for me and not my
type, and he invited me to have a quick birthday (mine) drink with him,
on the Sunday night after I had just said goodbye to my (newish) spanko
boyfriend. I immediately told my spanko boyfriend and he was fine with
me going to meet a friend, and in any case didn’t have any exclusivity
over me at that stage as it was still early on. My point being that I
kinda hoped Guy A (non spanko) was a tincy bit jealous I had a
boyfriend, as he wanted to see me on my birthday as we were staying in
the same area that night, and I thought he might say something, but he
never did. I still harbourded hopes I could convert him into a spanko if
he had, but its well over now and he is gone.
When we met for the last time, and building on our open sexy risque
chats, we did get onto the subject of his ‘type of girl’ again. I
rambled on, after too much red wine, about how I like girls as friends,
but am not attracted to them in the same way as I am to men so can’t
comment much about other girls apart from that I can appreciate beauty,
cool and personalities in anyone. Then I opened up a bit more about a
few situations I had had with girls that made me feel all wrong,
excepting one or two girls who I really did have feelings for. I tried
to justify that by saying I wouldn’t know what to do now anyway, and I’m
way too shy to make any kind of first move. I told him there was a word
called ‘Heteroflexible” that I had seen recently (thanks Fetlife!). I
said I didn’t think I was one of “them”, as it’s very rare I am
attracted to girls, but maybe that it’s the whole person I’m attracted
to. I went away and thought about it the next day and googled the word
I have always been ‘Straight’ in Fetlife because I was and still am
99% attracted to men, because of all of the usual pheromones and other
things I sense and feel towards men:) Then I thought to myself, maybe
I’m closing down ever surprising myself or being surprised. And what if,
for example, someone of the same sex may want to know me better than
just a friend, but knows I’m ‘straight’, so I never would know how they
feel, and I would never say anything either because I just wouldn’t know
how to as I’m also immature. I know i keep saying that and you will all
be curious or thinking i’m retarded or weird but I’m not, but just
different and most definitely a Middle in all ways. It’s kinda medical
as my metabolism and whole life pattern is out of sync with what it
should be, and a Doctor recently asked if I’m from another planet, which
really made me feel like a freak!
In terms of girls in spanking relationships and friendships I am not
turned on by Female Domme at all, as I see men in charge and look up to
them and it does everything for me. When I have been spanked by a woman
it’s not been the same in my head at all, however hard I try, and I
can’t help or apologise for that. I love it in films or role play
though, it fits and I can get into it just as well as I can with a man
in charge. But there is a small 1% chance I just haven’t met the right
girl yet, I will probably never know.
So, for that 1% chance, I have changed my orientation to
‘Heteroflexible’, but I’m NOT ‘coming out’ or making a big “hey, look at
me” deal about it, because after today I probably won’t give it another
thought, unless another Guy A tries to get me drunk and interrogates it
out of me again!.
There is a big difference between being spanked for fun or discipline
in my friendships and relationships and what I do as a model. It’s not
about the actually limits, because on film I have been spanked just as
hard and ‘for real’, but it’s about professional boundaries….
“Boundaries huh?, I say aloud to myself. Aren’t they the fundamental
conversation basis of all consensual spanking/BDSM relationships?”
Yes..and No. I hate boundaries in my personal relationships but once I’m
in one i don’t want a choice, but as a spanking model boundaries keep
In my personal life, anyone I call ‘Sir’ is in charge of me and he
makes the rules. Sure, when we are playing early on or dating and we
have to talk about likes/dislikes/deal breakers and limits then I have
my say. Once we have passed the road test/mutual audition and I know
what he has and he knows what I have and where I am, then I expect to be
taught HIS way. If there is not that chemistry then it ends there,
although for the past few years I have got this wrong more than once
when either one of us has tried to turn it into a match, when I should
have been braver and trusted my faithful gut and walked. That is a
compromise, I will never do that again, it is a waste of my precious
time on this planet and I am not grown up enough to decide what to do.
This is the biggest discovery and lesson I’ve learned well since I
stopped being a professional. I’m pretty immature and emotionally
vulnerable, so I can’t lead anything, he has to have that experience or I
feel confused and scared and very unsure if he dithers or keeps asking
me how I feel and if it’s “hard enough”, or asking me to suggest reasons
why i need to be spanked. I have never been a player, I have only known
domestic discipline and being in the control of a mentor/teacher type
who is authoritative naturally. In fact I have only tried the concept of
“play’ quite recently outside of professionally so I have to treat it
the same, it’s a role, but I will still enjoy it and give my best but on
a surface level.
In my professional life, I’m in charge and I decide what the
boundaries are. I can play the role requested, and in most cases I am
being my authentic self depending on the role, but I am monitoring all
of it in my head and staying safe and as committed as I can be with a
stranger. It’s pretty much the same at parties, I cannot give any more
of myself as I won’t trust anyone I may never see again. ‘Play’ for me
is the same as what i do as a professional, I stay in control and will
never go into any total ‘space’ as its too risky for me and I am not
adult enough to cope if it goes somewhere that makes me emotional.
Professionally, we sit down and talk about the route through the time
together and my aim is to meet his needs, not mine, although if I am
ever asked I will say so. Some people don’t need a role play or scene,
but I prefer this as a way in but never want to talk about my ‘needs’ if
it means I might be compromised. So, it’s strictly professional but I
always hope to get on well and make a new friend through it. If I get
hit too hard then I say so, I’m in character but not out of giving
consent outside of a typical role play and usual ‘play’ limits. I have
been spanked hard at parties in the US and on one occasion would have
liked to have carried on and arranged to meet again, but my professional
head stayed on and I wanted to enjoy the rest of the party rather than
being worn out. Party play limits are no different, and unless we
dramatically drop into something more deep and personal without a script
then I have to keep my third eye.
OMG this sounds like I’m setting ground rules and advertising my
services, but no, really its all about how I am able to switch myself on
and off again. I am glad I can be that brave again because I lost that,
and my wonderfully clear line between real and
party/casual/professional play got blurred so I ran away. This time I’m
fighting to look after myself, and not get involved in anything that is
way bigger than I can handle. Little girls don’t do drama or
complications, they just like to dream, act, have oodles of fun and love
and be looked after and I’m exactly the same. But my big girl head is
on again as Emma Bishop when I’m acting professionally, and that will
protect me again in my personal life like it used to.
Personal = could go anywhere
Professional = stays in a small circle.
Since I stopped working as a spanking model about a year ago, although I closed down my website and blogs around 2016, I’ve never stopped being involved in the scene. I’m much happier back here now and will say and write what the hell I want, outside of any personal rules I have again to stop me upsetting too many people or being too cheeky or bratty online, or staying up past my bedtime!. My parents aren’t in here and I don’t have a Sir/Mentor/Disciplinarian right now so I will do my best not to get banned or burn myself out, which is my usual problem! My rock isn’t here any more to proof read and author my writing for typos and use his “legendary pedantry” (thanks Ellen Mae Davis) on me again, so I will do my best by myself. Discretion will always be assured, and no laundry airing of course just like I never ever did in the original ‘Bishy’s blog’ and ‘The Unsecret Diaries of Emma Bishop’. You have my word I will TRY and be a good girl 🙂
So what will I do? I will write about everything that comes into my head again, from my personal thoughts and feelings and experiences, implements or scenarios, to occasional topics of the day mixed in. I will try not to be nostalgic because I live in the present and want to be as good as my next challenge, not live off my past achievements. Until now I couldn’t write like this since i stopped blogging as Emma Bishop. I was always worried about what ‘people’ and those who knew me since would think, but I lost who I was. I wrote and scrapped hundreds of thoughts, posted and took down musings in seconds that took me an hour to write, and I felt trapped. I may run out of material, and new projects may not come along as easily or early as I hope but I will keep it going, even if it is to throw a tantrum about something!
I’m a ‘middle’ pretty much all the time in my real life and in my head, which means I identify as being around 14 years old, although my Daddy say’s i’m more like 9 and just trying to act older! Middles can pretty much be anywhere from 9 to 15 and I’m often very teenage and curious and aks alots of questions. It is so hard acting like an adult every day but i know I’m acting. I’m not crazy or deluded and its kinda complicated in a medical way but it’s just how I am. I need 9 hours sleep and early bedtimes, but I’m rubbish at keeping to rules and curfews so I get spanked lots and lots. I love little things too, have over 25 bears and my favourite books are the Alice Miranda series by Jacqueline Harvey. I also do other things and am very musical so I have to work on a major project which I am doing alongside this to keep me away from kink a bit!. I’m home again, I am me again, this is who I am and I’m staying right here 🙂
So… due to many requests since I quit, comments and changes in circumstances, I decided to get back to doing a little of what I know. For anyone who has been friends with me or followers of this moi here crazy girl these past few years, you will already know I’m not a regular good girl and need discipline. I go with my gut and heart (or always used to, but made dumb unchecked decisions lately). I go off and run away at huge whims, serial procrastinate, compromise to save other people’s feelings, get myself into awkward pickle situations and rarely ask for much in return from anyone.
This time I am being totally selfish and putting myself first. I am putting myself back into survival and hungry mode again, even though I am doing fine and don’t have to, because that is always the time I feel my best. I have tried looking through haystacks and they were full of worms dressed up as maggots, and I have tried fitting into nice little boxes and I felt trapped and lonely. Now I am breaking out, and having as much fun as I can fit into my life without burning out again. Without discipline I may be crying in my coffee before long, but I’m gonna try to act like I’m a grown up again until I get some help.
I will no longer apologise for being a spanking model, or change course because that is denying I ever lived. I will no longer apologise for being geekily weirdly different, even though it’s now a popular bandwagon to be on with all kinds of available labels. All of these pieces that make me weird make me alive and real, and I have found them again in my toy box. I am going to care less about what people think and believe in myself much more from now on, and trust my gut again!.
I always saw role play as “a way in”. In my work as a model it meant I could set the boundaries and give people their scene, so it kept me safe and I never had to roam, experiment, or go outside of method acting if I needed to bring it in. I never had to do anything more than be myself through a character. I got to the stage where people used to write testimonials on my website and say they had never known such reality before. One or two wrote privately to call off future dates because they got scared that I got too close to reality. They told me they felt awkward that it was like spanking a real schoolgirl age girl, and it made them uncomfortable as parents/responsible adults. I never used to act and only tapped into method if it was going so slow that I wanted to depict some emotion, even though my limits we high and I had it so covered it became a routine.
What people didn’t know was that an early experience movie I made called ‘A Visit to the School Governors’, which was a fly on the wall ‘live’ filmed drama broke me afterwards and changed my role plays forever. I hated taking off my school uniform afterwards because it has always been a part of where I am, never a fantasy or thrill. A lost normal childhood, memories I have to catch up on, and doing things for the first time, which I still am. I cried in the arms of my famous co-star ‘tog’ who was my muse, in the empty pub afterwards as the staff were sweeping up with no idea. I didn’t want to leave school I wanted to go back to the dormitory.
I always had films in my head as a child of being in a 1950’s type girls school and having real corporal punishment, but most of my dreams were so vivid and more to do with being included rather than the discipline. It was unsexy as you can get, but harrowing, like being in the Magdalene Asylums, a film that makes me shake and cry like I had lived it. I have past life flashbacks so deep I can touch them like I know my way around and I brought them into my work.
So, being told I am being expelled and will never see my friends again in a film or role play can break me. Being excluded or told I’m not good enough is the worst thing anyone can do to me. I know that feeling so well and have seen it in my dreams and I can’t take away the reality so it will always show.
So, you wanna role play with me? Sure, if you think you could really get to know and love me and let me be my real self. But if you just want to do a ‘scene’ on the surface, please don’t let me be myself so I can act as an adult pretending to be a schoolgirl, or you may get more than you wanted.
You know what, I had a break recently to get over an eye problem which is still not 100%, needed it anyway because being online is too much like hard work when you feel ill, and I have come back feeling completely different. I also finally today lost the 10lbs I had been carrying since April all over the world with me and I’m running again and full of my usual high bouncy energy. Being ill sucked and I probably was a lot depressed and disillusioned too and couldn’t admit it to myself, I can see and feel that now.
I have never been one for scene labels apart from always knowing I’m a submissive, but although my head is still emotionally teenage and a bit biological too medically (weird but true), I feel older than a ‘middle’ now. I decided to choose ‘princess’ because I am and have been in my heart since I was small, but ‘babygirl’ has always come close too in the scene and apart from the words and how they sound I still don’t know the difference between a lot of them, and who really cares anyway?
A guy in the hotel reception in Dallas called me “babygirl when I checked in this year following TASSP and after bailing myself out of a total nightmare dive of a place after midnight. It was a vanilla comment and he was cute but it made me glow and smile, and even that little thing made me feel like I was got because of how I come across and am.
What I do know, despite typos and minor corrections (sorry), is I was finally after 5 years able to write a profile that fits me totally and be brave and say what I want and want to give. I have never in my whole scene life got that right as much, and probably seemed a contradiction to everyone who has tried to understand me, but it explains my part in the situations I helped to screw up because I could never communicate. I will always still find it hard but I can cut to the chase quicker too and not get too involved because I’m being too nice and hate hurting feelings. I am not touching my profile now unless it changes.
‘Princess’ sounds neutral anyway but it’s on my coffee mug in the office and all over my bedroom and I have been called it for years so why use any other label if there is only one choice to be made? It is what it means to me that matters but I feel bigger and ready to upgrade to the next level 🙂
I am still a brat and naughty and all the things I always was but just I don’t wanna play with toys anymore, just boys and I am having so much fun again!
..is that since I came back from Cancun in December I have not been well. I have managed to go to TASSP, seen something of Dallas and Nashville and the South of France (all of which I loved), but it has been tough, draining and tiring and has taken all of my ‘The Trouble with emma’ spirit and energy to get through what I committed myself to.
My friend said yesterday on holiday in Nice that she just wants the emma she knows back because “you’re not the emma I know, you’ve lost your glow and this is not you”. I guess like most of my scene life I’m just good at putting on a happy face and getting the job done, but this time it is harder than I’ve ever known.
Simply, I have an eye problem with my eye muscles and possibly my nervous system. It could be as simple as having caught a tropical disease that affected my system as I got bitten in the jungle, to light sensitivity, or something more debilitating, and I am very scared. I am writing to my local Doctor tomorrow and have letters from three other Doctors recommending I see a specialist in optic neurology. I also have a muscular problem with my right arm that may be connected. I have had routine blood tests all of which have found nothing so far. My eyes and vision are healthy and there are no signs of anything worrying deep in my eyes I am told.
From now on, now I have fulfilled all my promises and engagements to everyone I am keeping it local and simple. I am staying close to my parents and friends and cannot offer anything else to anyone else until I am better. I am not travelling out of around a 15 mile radius or short car rides and door to door trains so no more holidays or any kind of social events for a while either. I will be a recluse and play my music and write songs and record and stick to the things I did once before when I was a shy outsider to all of this scene stuff. I always go back to what I know when I have had to run away before for my sanity and I hope that will keep me strong this time.
I just wanted you all to know. I so want to be better and run 5k again with both eyes open and not worrying about falling over or bumping into a tree or people. I want to get through a movie without squinting my eyes and I want to be able to drive long distances with the wind in ny hair and my music loud. It is the not knowing that scares me, but I do know whatever it is I will face it and do my to be the bravest little girl I can be again 🙂
These past few months I’ve had a lot going on and a lot of changes, with illnesses and my new job, but somehow I see everything differently now and it’s not just because of the high dose Vitamin D!. Well not differently, but exactly the same as I did when I was out there a lot more as a spanking model. I never used to judge or contribute or over opinionate then but just have fun, and giggle and brat and laugh and play, and perform. I LOVE to perform, I am an actress, even though it’s still me being myself and living in the moment, defined only by the set, my outfit and the circumstance of the role. That is as far as I want to go in ‘the scene’.
Over the past few years I got drawn into situations where I spoke up more and gave my opinion on things I usually don’t care enough about. I got drawn into Fetlife chats, its labels, and ‘the scene’ way too much and forgot I have a professional image to value and protect. Unfortunately some of the people I was speaking to have deep set views and stances on all sorts of subjects and were surprised I didn’t share them. I have never joined bandwagons, marches, or taken sides, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I have supported and donated in private and done things my own way and I have good reasons for that.
I hate talking politics and about my preferences but I fell out with my best friend recently over that, when they just were un thought through remarks I really don’t care passionately about, but she took in another way and was hurt by it. To her they defined how she saw me so we had nothing left to say and no amount of explaining or making up would fix it. I was sadder than I have ever been at losing a friend, because I never had a bestie before, but that was her choice and I didn’t fit what she wanted in a friend.
And now? I’m very busy and settled again and have truly discovered the girl I was 10 years ago so I feel so much happier. I can cherry pick and do as much or as little as I choose to and also juggle three other career interests. I am someone special to myself and I know it again and my head is up and my shoulders are back. I no longer dumb myself down, or try and pretend I never had such an amazing life and I am still having it.
One of the best spankings I ever had was in a hotel room about 5 years ago at a party. I was spanked by someone who said he was an admiring fan and always wanted to meet me. I was spanked for NOT being the Emma Bishop he loved and expected to meet, and saying I’m useless and self degragating, at a time I was letting just anybody hurt me for nothing because I was so low and wanted pain. I was destroying every good opinion anyone had of me because I was hurting. It was real and I cried my eyes out so much, because it hurt in every way to have a blazing red bottom and be scolded for not being myself.
That spanking woke me up then and I remembered it again when I woke myself up a few weeks ago, with the help of my lovely parents. If I ever forget who I am again and am not the girl you are expecting to meet….please spank me! I don’t have to be Emma Bishop to my nearest and dearests in private or in my own relationships or even at parties with my friends, but in here I’m Emma Bishop and a princess too, so don’t you forget it!!