Since my last post, so much has happened, not in terms of spanking activity because of the Covid lockdown restrictions, but in terms of where I am now compared with the past 12 months. Almost a year ago, I was rushed into hospital for my tummy operation, having recently gotten myself back into the scene and some films again. 5 months or so later, when I last posted in here, I was still recovering and in my usual impatient style I was trying to go from couch to 5K every day and was walk/running in the park, despite being told it could take up to a year for my abs to fully heal. I had a setback when I had pains along my scar tissue and was exhausted and in bed a few days, and after some advice from a friend who had a similar process, I decided to slow down and only do 30 minutes (no more than 2k) every two days until I was stronger. It worked, and three months later at the end of September, I felt I was a lot better and ready to do a bit more. In all, it took 9 months for me to realise it was a serious operation I had and not just a poorly tummy.

I had my first post-op test spanking in June, gently with a cushion under my tummy, and have had two more with implements warm-ups since then, including the cane. My levels are not like they were in early January 2020 which I had built up over 6 months since my return to films and parties, and now with full lockdown again things are on hold again, plus I have made some decisions on how I want to do things from now on.

One piece of good news is that I had a lovely surprise phone call on Christmas Day from my parents who I hadn’t spoken to since my last post here. I had a female (non-scene) friend here in my social bubble on Christmas Day and we had a great time with a traditional dinner and watching movies and stuffing our faces with treats, but as she was off making calls to her own loved ones it gave me a chance to have a long chat with my parents. 6 months is a long time to a girl like me, and I felt very different after the year I had recovering so it was easier to explain how I felt then and why I wrote what I did then. They did nothing wrong, I was just in a very hurt and defensive place a year or so ago. After the life-threatening scare I had (which I didn’t even tell them about as we had split up, and I didn’t think they would come to see me in hospital anyway, when I didn’t want their pity and help as I’m as stubborn and feisty as hell when I feel alone), gradually over last year I saw things differently. I was wrong about everything, once again email and the way I expressed myself a year ago was not fair to them, and they cared about me more than I wanted to accept. It’s true, the best way to stay together in any kind of relationship (vanilla or otherwise) is to talk and listen. My way was to hit out and run away again because I am emotional and was hurt.

When I feel neglected and I don’t get enough attention or feel special and valued I just leave and say nothing, which is my way of doing what I think is happening to me. If things feel at arms-length they become superficial, particularly with relationships I have had in the scene, where everyone is competing for attention so I then value them how I think I am being valued. Oh, I know people have separate lives and can dip in and out of vanilla and kink, but I never had that. I was born with whatever it is inside me that makes me how I am. Plus for weird medical type reasons, my feelings and emotions, organising my life, and my behaviour and attitude, I have a different mental age of 14 to 15. It doesn’t seem to go up every year but I am not mad, but I just have had to live with it. When I meet people via the scene it’s worse because they think I’m playing some sort of weird kinky age regression thing. I have spoken to a psychiatrist about it years ago but it’s not life-threatening or something I can snap out of through choice ( I dumped someone who told me to “grow up” once), so I just do my best to get through life with it.

I’m unable to compartmentalise my feelings and time into convenient chunks, so when I am in, I am all in, there is no on/off switch. The part I got wrong is to assume my parents are like others and we were not a real family. We are, I know that now, and I missed them like crazy like any girl my type would. It was like feeling continually in and out of a boarding school when they went away, but I know they were always there for me and my diary and messages mattered. We spoke again New Years Day and I think and hope it is behind us because I know I am in a different place now and learned a lot. They did not understand why I had to post in my blog about us as a family, and after this post today I probably won’t mention them much at all. I explained that I have been writing Bishy’s Blog for years and I am never censoring myself or writing when I feel I have to appease anyone because that is not me. I have never named names or laundry aired and have bitten my lip most times and ran away and sulked, but this mattered to me, they matter to me. Writing helps me grow and heal and if I do ever elude to writing about anyone its because they have affected me enough to be worthy of my thoughts and feelings. They do want me to be happy and find the right relationship though, but will always be my parents.

I feel good now and started 2021 by setting up a gym in my hallway. If you read my news feed you will see I post on Twitter more than anywhere, so my blog posts may be more spread out, I am super busy and do a lot of other stuff. As I know I need help with my life and cant keep staying away from school now I’m well again, I advertised for a life coach/disciplinarian type person. I had quite a few replies so far but am looking for the right situation. I have been honest and replied to everyone because some people are just not on my page in terms of their profile and kinks or experience, so I am taking my time. I want to have fun and make friends too and my guard is up. For my own sanity, I tried to break down the different types of scene people and relationship options into groups and how I might do things in the future. I know myself and the scene much better now so these are the questions I asked myself and the types I have met in the past:

  • Do I want a Dom – No, too BDSM and controlling of my life
  • Occasional Scene/Role Play – Professionally only. My boundaries, role play not “punishment”, you are not my Dom and you won’t tell me how much I have to take or I will walk away and stop the session
  • Party Play and School events – Yes always, I miss my friends and it’s a good place to make new ones and contacts
  • Mentor/Life Coach’Disciplinarian type – Yes, but only one and must have experience and fit what I want. I won’t tell you too much about anything other than what’s in the rules, no personal commitments to each other apart from occasional scheduled sessions. No liking me too much or wanting to date me or get to know me too well, that will mess my head up and has happened twice. One such person in this group from a few years ago described himself as a “cold fish” as he had multiple “spankees”, although there is a caring side to this in that they want you to succeed and usually like you as a person. I would really see them as a teacher to hit me with stuff when I misbehave etc and not get too close or share too much information on my other activities. It is a service that is based on tasks and a few set rules, and in return, they get to spank a “celebrity” bottom tee hee! Usually (for me) short term (3 to 6 months) but it has helped in the past until I get bored or it’s not taking me forward and I just feel like a number. No hard feelings either way, and they might stay on my virtual Christmas card list! 🙂
  • Occasional play or ‘funishment’ with friends or potential new ones – Maybe, but only if there is chemistry of some kind and I want to test you out!
  • Films/Shared content – Yes, with those who know what they are doing and have some kind of website presence in the scene (no amateurs). I won’t let just anyone take photos or spank me unless I get something I can use too
  • Best friend/DD Lifestyle partner/Daddy type etc – Not looking for this at the moment, but if I ever find this again it will be by chance and I will probably not want or need much of the above I hope. I am a nice girl, devoted and loyal, and I may only play at parties evermore. If someone meets my needs that much and I love them then why would I want anyone else? No-one else will be good enough for me and I would expect to be good enough for them too. I don’t share people I love with anyone, regardless of trust it always leads to misery. Her/them or me is a simple honest discussion/equation and we can both do the math, no need to sneak around, I prefer to walk if I am not enough. Spanking with others at parties or friends get-togethers we are both at is cool. I love that, and feeling safe having someone special to take me there and spank me back at home too is too perfect!

I fell out with my parents recently, it was my decision cos I felt neglected. I asked them to post my things back that just came. Now I’m very sad.

Because we met in the ‘scene’ I will never know if they really were my parents and loved me or not, sometimes I wish I was vanilla 😢

Maybe I was expecting too much, so when I got mad it was my fault for being judgemental and saying things I really didn’t care about or mind or mean. I never like typing on screens relationships because everything comes out wrong in moments of madness. I’m done with typing, if people want to know me then we have to talk very often like real people do, two ways, where I can hear and see your reactions and know how I came over.

I’ve had friendships via the ‘scene’ and once I let my guard down and give too much I expect it to be like a normal loving situation, where people do anything for each other and be there when you need them most. I don’t see it like they have separate lives and I’m only there for the smiley fun and to spank my bottom, and then they switch back to their private life and I’m just an outsider. That’s how it always feels and that’s why I hate, blame, and run away from the scene sometimes because it blurs my lines.

I wanted a real family and I never want adults pretending to be my parents, but not really feeling themselves they are. I’m a middle, how the hell can I tell if people mean what they say?

I’ve decided it’s very clear I can’t cope with grown ups scene relationships, and even though I’m recovered from my tummy op I don’t want anyone spanking my bottom, not even disciplinarians, because you don’t know me or care about me really and I could be anyone. I’m afraid to let anyone in the scene touch my skin right now. I would be happier not being in the scene so much, and having someone more vanilla I love and who loves me spank me now and then. It won’t give me all I need but I never had that ever anyway, so I guess it’s impossible to ever have.

It was NEVER a game to me, I only ever wanted to belong to someone and have a family, so the next time anyone says they love me and wants to be my Daddy or Mommy don’t blame me if I find it hard to believe it’s not another role play. Father and Mama were the only parents I wanted, and now all I can do is try and be grown up about it and wish them well too.

I have lots of spanking implements at home that have either been left with me, passed on, or bought as presents at events such as the BBB (Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar) , the LAM (London Alternative Market) or at other parties in the UK and US. I think I have enough to cater for most spankos, although it’s always nice if people have their own because it at least shows they have some knowledge of them, and hopefully how to use them! I know lots of experienced Doms and Tops will definitely have their own, because it’s a personal thing and I prefer to be with people in this category because some are one step ahead of me and will naturally take charge 🙂

I have Quality Control, London Tanners and Ouch products in the collection. The Canes are Dragon, Kooboo, Rattan, plus a special mixed wood Conni cane, and they are Junior and Senior sizes. There are rubber and leather sole slippers as well as heavy gym ones, wooden implements of different thicknesses and leather paddles and straps for all levels from fun play to severe:

I’ve been asked lots of times about my ‘needs’, but that differs according to the situation. In professional role play situations my only need is to enjoy it and be free to create and have fun, and end up with a warm nice tingly bottom and a friendly hug!. Lets’ call this my Level 1.

In my Level 2 personal play or ‘funishment’ situation, which I think the majority of spanko people and Tops provide, I like:

  • Spanking – given properly in stages as a warm up. There doesn’t have to be a reason but usually my attitude gives me away! I’ve had all kinds of spankings, but as I’m not really a player for thrills, most have been semi or full punishment ones. Funnily enough I can tell the difference between left and right handed spankers, not just from the side I go over their knee from, but it feels different. I am not telling you which is the most erotic for me though, because I’ve had good spankings from left and right handers and the ambidextrous! I trust most people to just spank me, and only once or twice have I bratted and regretted it after 30 seconds so it turned into proper discipline, but I knew that and had already made my mind up I wanted it, plus it was with well known Dominants who don’t mess around. Oh I know people in the scene ‘negotiate’ and I agree that consent is vital, but I have an element of CNC (Consent-Non Consent) in me by nature, since I was born this way to look up to real authority so if I ever take that risk and chance then I do so because I feel it intuitively and know it’s the only place it can go. I will clearly call a halt to it if I change my mind or have other medical reasons, but apart from getting cramp in my leg once I have never had to use a safeword (true) so I hope I continue to trust the right people in this situation. Plus I may have some kind of feelings or great respect for the spanker and immediately know my place with them from the moment they walk in in a vanilla way. Sometimes that just happens, it’s a kind of like super chemistry but it’s not something I make a habit of looking for.
  • Leather paddles, straps and belts – I like these in play as a continuation of a good hand spanking. Lying on a bed with pillows under my tummy is good, but smaller leather implements can be given OTK. Some leather is quite rigid and heavy so I see them more in real discipline because they can leave long lasting marks and I cant have that in my work as a model. I had a Canadian Prison Strap once and a mis-hit wrap left the side of my leg marked for 6 months, and I had to airbrush subsequent work I did in photo shoots, which I have never done before or since.
  • Slippers – Good for OTK or bent over a high chair or school desk. I think with slippers a set number of strokes is best in ‘play’, unless it is used as a continuation of a warm up. I am wary of gym slippers because I have had them full force and been bruised for days so they can be a discipline implement.
  • Canes – I’ve had cold canings that have made me cry after 6 strokes, and over 100 strokes given in stages at all levels, but in most of my Level 1 or 2 cases it’s 6 or 12 to finish off.
  • Other Wood – I don’t let many people use hairbrushes or wood paddles or the dreaded bath brush on my bottom because these are not a ‘play’ toys, and unless someone is pretty skilled at being able to use them as a continuation of a spanking then I see these as proper discipline implements. I have plastic hairbrushes that are great for spanking too that can be used in role play or ‘funishment’.

My Level 3 – My needs in discipline are different from play and party fun, which I will happily do with friends because I can control that and not have to let my emotional guard down much. For discipline, once I give my consent I don’t want or have a say and it is totally up to the person who is in charge of me. I am wary more of ‘Disciplinarians’ because sometimes despite getting what I deserve and coming away feeling contrite and cleansed I can become too attached, particularly if I connect with them in a vanilla way too and develop feelings. Discipline is the way to my whole inner soul/self and most times I can separate the person hitting me with stuff from my feelings, but sometimes I can’t and it leaves me wanting more, and if I don’t walk away sooner than later in the relationship I know I will end up broken. This is why I stopped seeing Disciplinarians, because I can’t trust myself unless I know I have zero capability of ever being attracted to them. It’s a thin line to walk if you are a girl like me who was brought up with discipline and knows it should be given with love, so if love for me isn’t there it is not complete but just a one way exercise. That’s why I tend look for the whole person first who just happens to also be a Disciplinarian, and then I get my own perfect ending. One off sessions I can maybe do but I have to agonise a lot over anything I get into that involves “affecting” me. I’m a Middle and although I can manage play and role play sessions I’m not grown up enough to handle emotional stuff, and that’s why any relationships I have had have usually been with a Daddy type or my scene parents who can understand this side of me. If people just want to hit me with stuff then that’s not fair.

I hope by writing this I have finally admitted things to myself and shared them with others who may have seen me as not knowing want and need. I have had occasions where Dominant people have said I need to say what I want more because they are not a “mind reader”, but I still believe they bloody well should be, that’s part of being my Dominant! If they can’t read my mind, how they hell can they understand my bodily needs? I think it’s sometimes a lazy Top/Player/closet Switch dressed up as a Dominant says who does not want to invest in that part, usually because they really don’t know how or have it in them, and as I’m psychic and highly intuitive and bright I can feel that anyway before they get anywhere near my bottom. So, I know EXACTLY what I want and need and now…so do you.

The coronavirus lockdown (which for me has been a continual extension of the 5 weeks grounding indoors after my tummy operation in January) has given me the chance to chat more, and get some unrequested ‘feedback’ and observations from people I have met in the past. I remember being told many times that I was “lucky” to be a spanking model and I’m “living the dream”, and I always giggle to myself thinking that some people imagine it to be for me; spankings every day (which I used to have once), recognition wherever I go, living in two or three houses around the world, hopping on and off planes and photo shoots and interviews with the media! For some more established and full time working busy models some of that is probably true, but since I never considered myself a spanking model ‘A lister’ (if there is such a thing in the scene) it was or is never like that in my case, plus I ‘retired’ and came back less than a year ago and with all of the interruptions and illness I have hardly got going again. I have been in two films (one released, one yet to be) since my return and rejoined Twitter, which has helped me build a new audience and engage with contacts and friends of friends I want to see again at parties, so I have a good starting base again but there is so much more I want to do once lockdown is lifted. Most important though is that I am well enough, and two thirds into my full recovery I’m still not 100% sure I can do this at the level I want to.

As you may know, I act too, and to my surprise and bewilderement I had a ‘friend request’ from my ex boyfriend of 6 months in 2009, who has returned with a new ID and vigor to make new spanking friends. The last email I had from him was in 2014 and it was the usual vanilla birthday wishes and pretty much very little detail, which was the reason I cut and ran and felt in the dark, hidden away and a conveniently economically part of a bigger story 11 years ago that I never got to hear. I would rather be told someone is taken, poly, gay, a sub/switch or a serial playing hedonist from the start and then I can make my own mind up how much of my time I want to invest. If I were not so honest, loyal, caring, naïve and innocent perhaps and committed with people I fall for then I would not care or have any feelings and just stand around at every bus stop waiting for play partners. I have a thirst for knowledge and an inquisitive mind like a lawyer or detective, probably because I watch too much ‘Poirot’ and ‘Miss Marple’ and other cops and robbers shows on TV, so when someone out of the blue wants to “talk” again after 11 years the first thing I think of is motive. It turned out that he probably feels I’m a good reference to have as a friend because I’m Emma Bishop, which apparently means I have a good reputation and know lots of people in the scene to hook up with and am good to add as a friend in his profile. I’m actually happy to help spankos and new spanking models who ask me about photographer friends, or play partners, because I do the same and its all about being safe and helping each other in this small community. Anyway, any hopes I had of finally hearing what happened before and any kind of explanation and apology and rekindled friendship, evaporated when I was hearing ‘same ol’.

However, the most interesting thing I took out of out our email exchanges and subsequent face time was how he saw me as a performer and spanko. This is what I can use and work on and helps me understand my kink, why I react as I do and that I’m probably not crazy and YES it is everyone else that is more crazy that me tee hee! This was what he wrote that I liked:

“I think your acting and playing music come from the same place as your kink (he says putting his cod psychology hat on) – you’re drawn to what scares you and take strength from the nervous energy it brings. I remember talking on Skype before you did film shoots – you were a seething bag of neuroses – but afterwards you were like ‘no sweat; it was a piece of piss’. So you’re right – you’re not an exhibitionist in the narcissistic sense, but you do need to perform! How does that sound? No, I’m not stoned….”

Contrasted with that I was told by a scene contact, who became disgruntled but who I actually respect for his honesty, that there are things I need to address. I am more open than ever to listening. but as before, if I were to take every single person’s opinion of me then I would never have attempted to do any of the things I have in my life so far.

“Be honest with yourself Emma You are uncomfortable with your sexuality and need to accept this is the best or only way you get off.   Just the same as ME. OF COURSE acting is essential to bring it about but surely you don’t think you are acting when you actually reach orgasm later that day?
The acting is needed  as a means to an end.  Just as it is with me. You need to get to the stage of real honesty and be able to call a compatible partner and say….. I need a good painful punishment, can you come over here and see to my needs please ?
When you can do that, you will not need to refer to your acting ability. Role Play ( which we both enjoy) is only the BUS to make the journey on.  Sexual satisfaction when alone later is the real reason we get  on the bus. It gets us there better than anything else I know.
One of your ‘giveaways’  is when you repeat the information that you are an actor and are ONLY an actor.  Like it or not, you are a good actress and use it to get to where you want to be.  THAT IS WHEN YOU GET ON THE BUS.  With  ONLY ONE PARTNER, you would only need the car together.  For wider scope, the bus with more people is the answer. Face reality Emma, you have a kink you enjoy. You know others who have the same kink.  Get together and go in pursuit of what you want while you can. Spend  less time wrecking your own pleasure and put your irrational fears behind you” 

So, I saw some (but not all) of this as probably true and valid help, but once again it was from someone I have only met once and hardly know. What he and many people don’t realise is that TRUST is the hardest thing to give. I have had experiences of being too honest and open and taking huge leaps of faith, only to find the other person was clearly a player, or wanted to turn the arrangement into something more personal and sexual. Of course I want to ‘Get on the Bus’ as he put it, but I do not do that in role plays, because that crosses the line into potentially becoming highly sexual and about me. This is why myself and other professional models clearly have the message that we do not offer sexual services. I think it is wrong to bring my own needs and wants into a scene, but that does not mean I don’t want to in non professional scenes. Some fetish models do make it about them, they are open with their sexuality and I’m sure some would even negotiate the add on services when they are in the moment, but it’s not how I was brought up or am, so sue me if I’m old fashioned and too “nice”. I would never hit on anyone who is clearly unavailable, so I only feel safe and comfortable bringing my needs and sexuality into something with a boyfriend/girlfriend or at least potential a very close partner of some kind that wants to really get to know all of me and not just spanking me. I would rather go on a date for starters than have spanking play, I’m more vanilla and normal that I think people imagine.

I do not laundry air, and don’t think I am here as I NEVER mention anyone or elude to their identity, so I am only using these as illustrations of the things that help shape me and I take on board. I get so many views and opinions and try to cherry pick things I can use to help me grow and make me more self aware, so I’m actually thanking both of these people for bringing me back to reality. It seems nothing has changed in the scene in all the years I have been involved; people are people, bottoms are bottoms, opinions are opinions and it’s still a thrilling minefield!.

Here are some pictures of my bottom and me getting ready for post lockdown mischief and partying!

My ManyVids store is now open and I kicked off by uploading five of ‘The Trouble with Emma’ films that I managed to find and remaster. It was a laborious task and I broke all of my old behavior rules and totally burned myself out in two days to make it happen. But, it’s done, I have a starting point again for new videos I plan to make and I am brimming with ideas for my next roles. I’m also excited about how the internet has exploded since I was first in films, and I want to work with as many people as I can to make new films, directing, and any website and social media activities I can help with. It’s also my birthday today and Bishy Bosh Productions is open for business again! Come on in!

Whilst I’m out of spanking action until around May, ironically I’m getting more messages that usual about sessions and I’ve had to cancel some things. It’s utterly angsty having to say “no”, and sit and watch all the fun from the sidelines like a crocked athlete 😦

This week I was invited to attend a school role play event coming up, but was asked not to tell the other pupils I was a ‘professional’ model. I said “No” and not just because I’m injured. As insurance in my reply I deliberately made sure I would not be booked by playing my Prima Donna card.

I’m not an exhibitionist and I’m more shy than people know in some group situations where people may still recognise me, so I can’t pretend and put the genie back in the bottle. I sometimes get embarrassed to be recognised even though it can be flattering, but not in vanillaland. Like at my unisex hair salon when I was busy as a model the first time around, where a guy in another chair told my hairdresser he ‘knew’ me and I was a “famous” spanking model. My (vanilla I think) hairdresser teases me to this day and always asks “have you been behaving yourself Emma? ” when I sit in the chair and look in the mirror at him coyly biting my bottom lip. Anyway, at this particular open school event I alluded to above I didn’t want to feel awkward if I became a distraction, so I declined in case I was. I doubt I would have been the centre of attention anyway, but I never want to risk being it.

In some scene open party events, and particularly at long-stay parties, I’m not that confident and sometimes hide in my room and don’t feel good enough to mingle and play publicly. I hate the thought I’m competing and being compared, and I go into a shell and get nervous about myself and how I look. It’s never about looks it’s about how I feel. I would feel the same about myself even if I was a Kardashian or looked like a zillion dollars. One day I don’t want to feel like that, but I don’t know how to get over self defeating and putting myself down. I used to be spanked for ‘self deprecation’ once and had it in my rules, but I don’t have any rules right now so the fight with myself goes on.

I’m not a big ‘player’ by nature so I’m not unhappy at all if I don’t get asked to play much, so I will just drink juice and socialise and I’m happy to catch up with friends. If I am asked to play and I have the right feeling and it’s in a corner or private-ish area somewhere then I often say “yes” or will play brat poker a bit to test their resolve :). If I say ‘No” I usually mean it, unless I lied to avoid stepping on anyone else’s toes. If I say “later”, “not now” or “maybe” then I mean “don’t ask me again I will find you if or when I want to play”. Take me to a bedroom though at a large party alone, or in a shared room with another girl who is also getting spanked the other side and I’m fine. I don’t know why I don’t do larger groups, I am just not as confident as I am when I’m going as ‘Emma Bishop, spanking model’, where I totally am on a high and feel I can do anything. I will dine or drink with anyone and can stand up and speak to big groups and do professional spanking parties well as a model, where I may be spanked in demos and by all the guests. I know I can look OK-ish and perform well and I will want to be the best I can be and I don’t care. I love that kind of stage and I feel relaxed and at home. But me as ‘me’ at a non professional party or event I’m involved with helping to organise, and I’m far more private and self conscious, because of all the things I have said before in other posts.

When someone has taken me to an open party before  and I’ve been in their care then I have felt normal, because I’m with an adult. I have felt good about myself and loved it, as I have been warned I will be spanked in front of other people if I misbehave, or sent to one of their friends, or spanked “just because”. That’s different though cos I felt safe and protected and I know I don’t have a say and I’d given my consent by being with them. If I just go with a friend and they clear off and leave me or ignore me for long periods then I will hide in the corner again and not play much.

In films and 121’s and at professional parties I always feel good enough. I go to all Girls schools events (in the US at parties) and it’s mixed teaching staff (although I don’t mind which gender the staff are, they are all my teachers). I am not a fan of mixed gender school events or BDSM, and I have my reasons, preferences, and right to exercise my personal choice just like anyone else. I have nothing against anybody’s leanings and motivations, I just know what makes me comfortable and what makes me embarrassed to have to watch if I don’t want to.

I always wanted to go to an all girls Grammar school like my Mother, but I couldn’t. I have gradually (to my surprise) recently looked back on and appreciated female teachers more as they were sometimes even stricter with me than men, but I never knew that then and thought too hard about it before. In fact one of my best adult school teachers was a lady who I had/still have complete respect for and the right amount of real tummy butterflies fear, that this 14 year old real me does, even if my own head was in a mess at that time. The subject of being spanked by females (which has not been very often) and how I feel now, and how curious I am about things I’m rubbish at expressing I may write more in another post sometime and even talk about my time in virtual Aristasia.

My Disciplinarians and relationships have been with men 95% of the time as I’m wired that way and get those feels, but now I am not 100% sure because there may be barriers in my head and I don’t know why. Some experiences I had in the past I didn’t expect or want to have when I was already in a M/F D/s relationship, so I freaked out at myself and may have been in denial a bit, when I might have actually had the time and experience of my life. I remember being on an amazing high once after being spanked for two hours by a switchy female friend at a party, but then running for the hills the next day, crying and crashing out of the scene for ages and beating myself up with confusion because I had feelings for her.

To end where I started this post, I just wish that sometimes people will get that I’m not mercenary as a model, and the reason I may do any of this professionally is not what they expect. The reason why I do all of this personally is the reason I feel most alive.

My blog this time is a mixed bag. I will bullet point a few things without the gory details as it’s been a scary difficult time, but I have hopes I can be totally fixed soon for the first time in two years. 

  • I was taken to hospital and they found I had a small bowel obstruction. I was in for 8 days and had an operation and it’s all OK now but I have a scar to heal. I can’t be across anyone’s knee for 3 to 4 months which will take me up to May/June, just in time for summer and the party season, although I may not be able to attend for other reasons. I’ve had to let people know who wanted a session with me that I’m out of the scene for a while, but that side of my life is well in the back of my mind. Being in hospital made me think a lot about my entire life, so I will decide on what I want to do when I am better.
  • Alongside this I’ve had a problem with fatigue and neurological problems for 2 years. I’ve seen lots of Doctors and finally they have sent me for more blood tests, rather then looking into my eyes and asking me to balance on one leg, which is all normal, so hopefully they can find out what the underlying problem is. I’ve had it since I went to the jungle near Cancun in December 2017. It may be a coincidence but I got bitten by bugs and may have caught a bacterial infection, in which case it can perhaps be cured by antibiotics. I hope it is something like that and nothing more worrying, but right now I’m waiting for news and trying not to worry.

On reading.. 

I’ve never been a good reader unless there is a purpose or reason for it. I was asked if I’d read Niki Flynn’s ‘Dances with Werewolves’ book and it prompted me to write a long reply, but reading is such a big bug bear for me that there was enough for a whole blog post!. I downloaded ‘Dances with Werewolves’ a while ago but I’m a terrible reader and started the first chapters and never finished. I skipped through and got the gist, but if I have hours to read it means hours of not doing the zillion other things like playing piano and guitar and writing songs so I give up. I am rubbish at keeping to a timed schedule on my own and get distracted too much, story of my life! An Uncle did make me read a book once (‘Tess of the Durbervilles’ ) and I loved it. I cried in the final chapter, but I needed the threat of the cane to read it during my visits to him. I did read Madonna’s life story on a flight to Australia but that was relevant, and i was trapped on a plane!

I’m still reading ‘A Lesson in Secrets’ by Jacqueline Winspear but as I’m also an actress I like to read it aloud and play all the characters. Michael used to do that with me when I was learning lines for Theatre and auditions and it was fun. If it was a comedy and I corpsed (as he called it) I got the cane! I’m pursuing my so many things right now all in the ‘entertainment’ field so reading for fun in spare time is almost impossible. I did listen to the audio book of Keith Richards ‘Life’ when I had laser eye surgery two years ago and was staying in London and had to rest my eyes. That was amazing, and what a life and interesting man, but perhaps it was because it was music and real life that I could relate to again and use as inspiration? I like to read factual things so I spend hours on Google and Wiki, and watch historical documentaries. I’ve always been a girl who wants it all now and quick, so I will choose to watch the film every time, rather than trawling through a book and being bored. The only exception to that was Ishiguro’s ‘Never let me Go’ where I read the book first (under the threat of spankings again) and enjoyed it more than the film.

I was the same at school, sometimes I wanted to fast forward the teachers and get to the point of it all and how I could use it in real life. I was sent out of the class a few times for giggling and not paying attention, plus I was bullied so I couldn’t wait to leave. When I left school I chose what I wanted to learn, and although I did it the long way and spent evenings in further education I ended up with some great qualifications. I have to get something tangible out of activities that I can use to take me forward, or at least the potential for it or I don’t do it. That’s how I lead my life. Oops, I’m giving away a few secrets!

Spanking is the same. Unless I’m doing professional work there has to be a purpose. It has to go somewhere or take me somewhere where I can soak it up like a sponge and use it, so ‘play’ is not something I’m used to if it goes nowhere so it’s a bit like reading. I’m an ENTJ (Myers Briggs personality type) but that’s another story. However it might explain why I’m driven by results and need results and a sense of achievement, rather than caring about my feelings. I have grown to learn that sometimes I have not behaved too well with hurting other people’s feelings. I expect adults to be strong and have all the answers, and not weak and sensitive. But the world has changed so I’ve realised I need to allow for people that are. I have the same issue with Switches, I never got the theory before that you can be a bit of both D and s, but I’ve learned to be more understanding and accepting. I have let a few Switches spank me for fun, probably because I know its safe and goes nowhere, because I will never spank anyone so I won’t be enough for them. I’ve made some lovely friends and its made me a better person by knowing them and I’m happy to hear they have fun and get what they need.

I have only met a few people who can handle how complex I am, discipline me, and teach me things to match my sense of adventure, but can also slow me down and keep me grounded and healthy. That takes someone special and I was lucky enough to have a mentor who I was with for years, until I wanted more. He was a teacher and academic and we met by chance. He was an expert disciplinarian and not even in the ‘scene’ so he wasn’t going round offering services to other girls, he was just there for me and devoted hours to managing my development. I was like a very young girl then, and didn’t realise how lucky I was until I joined the scene. Then I saw how different that was and more of a scene playing game to most people with rules and discussions, and not real domestic discipline what I was brought up with when I was with him. Discipline went somewhere and I learned and grew, play doesn’t take me anywhere. The problem I have is I couldn’t compartmentalise like him and most Mentor/Disciplinarian adults can in the scene, because my brain is not mature enough. I won’t put any kind of fence or limits around my authentic self and my emotions and feelings once I’m in and I can’t lie and put up with situations that don’t make me happy. Isn’t that the same as any typical teenager?

My teenage self wants to do it all, but life is short and the scene is a minefield so I don’t have time to suffer fools or waste my time on things that go nowhere. I was the same at school, I liked practical things like art, cooking, drama and music. If someone can show me how reading fiction or spanking play can take me somewhere, or how to temper my enthusiasm with results, and also love me and nurture me to be my best for them and myself, then I may listen and want to learn and stay for the long haul 😊 

Bishy’s blog today comes from hospital. I’ve had what my GP thought was gastro enteritis since Friday with tummy ache and vomiting. In fact my last meal was Friday so as I write I’ve had no food in a week and very little liquid. As you can see my face is gaunt and I’ve lost a lot of weight but I will keep fighting to get through this.

It became more worrying in the early hours of Monday this week when I was coughing up horrid stuff. First thing Tuesday morning my GP had read my messages, seen the uploaded photos from me and sent me to hospital in an ambulance.

Tuesday night I was having surgery on an obstruction in my small bowel. Luckily they did not have to remove anything but just untangle it but it means I have very large scar in my lower abdomen below my belly bottom…which of course means no going over anyone’s knee for probably lots of months. I’ve not looked into the cause of this but who’s to say it wasn’t spanking related.

I’m hoping to sit up in a chair today but until I can start eating again I will be here, probably a few more days. I can only have clear liquids today and my tummy is hard and bloated in shock after surgery. Had a warm cup of black tea with sugar and it was heaven, times like this make you appreciate. I have a tube inside my body to feed me some nutrients that can be used if needed when I’m discharged.

I’ve been scared as hell but it’s all a day at a time stuff and new territory for me. Nothing matters more than my health for a while, and my US trips feel a long way away right now, but I will survive

I’ve invested almost 6 months so far working with Red Moon Rising Media. Initially I was approached to just appear in some films as a model, but the situation changed and I’ve been totally involved in contributing many of my ideas; as a spanking model/actress, graphics and media creator, scriptwriter, film director, camera person, website and marketing planner. It has taken up hours of my time and I’m glad it is almost in place and the site can launch shortly. I did actually write a blog post for the Red Moon Rising Media site but decided that having a blog there is not so important for now.

So that it’s not wasted I will publish the blog post I wrote there, as it tells of how I got into it and explains how hard it has been for me to carry on with it, since my relationship with my Daddy that came out of it ended abruptly and left me floundering for months.

It Began in an AirBnB

One afternoon there were two men, and two girls who arrived late for a spanking film shoot in a rented apartment. On the way was a well-known spanking model who was approached to join a start-up spanking website project, her name was Emma Bishop. We will let Emma describe the scene and her first impressions and thoughts….

“I arrived early (I’m always early or on time and never late) and called Mr P, one of the managers, on my mobile. I was standing outside of a row of block of flats and my Uber driver had dropped me at the wrong block, or else the instructions I was given weren’t that clear. Mr P said he would be “down in a minute” as he was dealing with two naughty girls who had arrived an hour late. My first thoughts were that maybe these are amateur hobbyists, making the usual free spanking and pirate video ‘tube’ stuff in dodgy fluorescently lit hotel rooms and it was all going to be a huge waste of time. I said I would come along to see how they work and if there was any time left I would perhaps do some test scenes.

After 5 minutes or so of pacing around with my overnight bag full of toys and outfits in case I was needed, Mr P called me back and came downstairs to meet me outside. These things always feel a bit ‘cloak and dagger’, like spanking 121 meetings with clients in hotel lobbies, where I’m trying my best to look vanilla but it feels exciting and taboo, as if I’m a naughty little call girl..even though it is only ever my bottom that gets a spanking!

We went upstairs to the top floor, no doubt chosen because of the sounds of spanking echoing more into the sky that the rooms below, and I was taken to the bedroom/changing room to wait as the video shoot was in progress. I don’t run a meter for my time in these situations, and I didn’t want to walk straight in and watch the action as I’ve never been too voyeuristic, so I just sat cross-legged on the carpet and did some work on my own ‘The Trouble with Emma’ website that I was re-launching anyway. Maybe my psychic powers and intuition felt good, something felt worth hanging around for, and it seemed kinda spooky and deja’ vu fateful they had approached me in the first place when I wasn’t even looking to ever make a film again!

I heard the spanking and scoldings in the next room and it didn’t sound like acting, and there was a mix of laughter and fun between takes that made me smile because enjoying what you do but knowing it is serious once the camera rolls is the essence of a good film. There seemed to be chemistry between the team and I couldn’t wait to walk in and meet them. My pulse was nervously racing at being with Mr P again anyway as we had just started a relationship and he needed to have a “discussion” with me anyway.

We had met on a train in London and after a couple of weeks all of this was less important than us. but we wanted both and had good ideas. I could be Emma Bishop for the films and me when we were off camera, although on set he made it clear I was always his little girl and I couldn’t drink too much and was under his rules in public still. I assumed he had the business already set up and I would just be a model.

After they had finished. Mr P came to fetch me and asked if I would come in and meet the team for a late buffet lunch, with the good quality aged Rioja I’d spied in the kitchen, always a sign of class! It later turned out this was a private film for a client and they used it as a test shoot, which seemed reasonable justification, after they had shot with me a few weeks later and discovered I know something about making films and the standard they have to be at 🙂 What my friends (and family as they feel to me now) didn’t know was that I was Emma Bishop, nobody had thought to Google that I had already trodden this path once before and worked with and learned from the finest in the industry. I met these two lovely girls and the other boss G, the film producer and technical brain as well as being excellent with experience of running a ‘proper’ business, something I discovered later.

Fast forward a few weeks and I’m part of this amazing team and we have gelled and I feel full of technical and creative ideas that I can freely bring to the party. Our amazing girl Kaylee has discovered new spanking talent in the shape of some excellent spanking models. Her friend Bella Blooming was a bonus find and is so talented and growing as an actress and performer every day, and it’s lovely to work with her and see her face beam afterwards. Since then the quality of performances has grown every shoot and I’m glad I can not only appear in them for now, but also direct some films and use some of my professional acting and creative media training too. I am not planning on being in many films but cameos are always on offer, so I’m looking forward to spending more time as a film director and working behind the scenes too. I never saw myself as just ‘Emma Bishop, spanking model’ but an entertainer, Red Moon Rising Media is ‘not just another spanking website’, so this could be a wonderful journey together!

My memory of this from now on will always be that Red Moon Rising Media was born and I was stripped naked in an AirBnB (that happened later), and I’m growing in a new world of wonder! It’s so good to be back!”

I’ve posted some images in a gallery below of a forthcoming film I’m in called ‘No More Drama’ (that’s almost another blog post in itself), plus some images from the cutting room floor to bring my blog up to date. The films and website are ready in the background, we are just waiting for the important technical add-ons to be fixed, delayed by the US companies virtually being away for two weeks over Xmas and New year.

I’m still going to be working with Red Moon Rising Media as a spanking model, but I’m also stepping away a bit as it has been too much and a lot more than I expected to be doing. It’s way too much for a little girl who has been lost for months. I promised I would see it through to the launch and I never go back on my promises, even though I’ve not only put my own reputation on the line, but it also all gets in the way of who I am in real life. I have helped shoot some BDSM scenes that are not what I should be seeing, and my ex-Daddy wouldn’t have allowed me on set to watch over 18 stuff , and it’s been hard.

Also I have stayed up and worked hours and hours with not enough sleep and no rules and discipline so I’m emotionally all over the place, all of the things I always had and need as a growing young lady so I need to have some help with that again. I have not asked anyone as i know I can’t keep to their rules because of doing all this stuff, so I would be spanked for things I can’t help because I gave my promise. My brain doesn’t understand what to do anymore so I need an adult to take charge and tell me and give me their rules and stuff again so I can just go back to being myself without acting as Emma Bishop in all this. I can be Emma Bishop in any films still when I work for other websites and they tell me what to do, and do film clips with others (which I want to do), but most of the time I want to be my real self and not do any of this professional stuff, but have an uncle or auntie or teacher who can help me with my own life and growing up and will understand what I find hard to ever say when I’m being Emma Bishop.

When I used to write Bishy’s Blog MKI, I had so many people saying they related and felt as if they knew me. Apparently it was honest and from my heart (which it always is), and although I’m ‘Emma Bishop’, they said they got a good insight into the life of a spanking model. More importantly I wrote a lot of the blog when I had my long term mentor, so much of what I posted were genuine pictures of my real life discipline, and I would write about it, including the dread and fear of it all. I think most people mainly enjoyed the pictures and I suspect some thought they were staged, seeing as I’m meant to be ‘Emma Bishop’. Truth is my real life has never been like that.

When I’m out there as Emma Bishop I can love the attention and get high on feeling loved and perhaps even valued a bit for what I set out to do as a creative performer. I know how to do this, I trained in how to do this both as a professional model first and then a mainstream actress, but sometimes it’s too much and I just want to run away again and hide. But then I miss that attention and succumb to people saying they miss me, when I assume they really mean they miss my bottom. Oh I know if I write this openly there will be some people who think its a career ending whinge, and others who may think it’s self indulgent, but if I wasn’t writing it all down I would probably have to tell a friend in the scene how I’m doing and maybe even a Doctor. I don’t actually care if Emma Bishop loses fans. Those who get me (as me) will know what I mean and relate to what I’m writing next.

I miss having my Daddy, or someone who disciplines me for real but REALLY cares about me too like in a proper relationship, and I’m not just feeling like a time slot. I will never ask anyone to spank me or go to them because I’m a a girl and they are grown ups and I’m used to just being told. None of this scene protocol ‘play’ stuff that everyone does since 50 shades like an appointment. I was born this way and I’m old fashioned and I don’t understand that type of play on something that is inside my head and every fibre of me. My mentor was bold, he once we made contact he just saw how i was behaving and immediately took over and TOLD me to report to him. He already knew I would say yes by my email replies when he was getting to know me and he could see how I am. I had rules and he did it all and I had huge respect for him. As he wast in the scene at all, he just saw a child who needed guidance and he did all of that just like as if my parents in the olden days had hired a private tutor for me. Dr Williams is actually all of that in his career, although not of course in the way he was with me.

With my Daddy I felt understood, grounded, loved and on track when he was here, but now I feel empty, so I have ran into being Emma Bishop again and keeping so busy that I don’t have to remember what happened. I won’t go into details but he had to go away and Ive got used to the idea I won’t see him again ever, and I think I’m also over it too. The gap that’s left though is that I’m undisciplined again, I have no sense of looking after myself properly and it’s slowly dragging me down, but I have to keep going because I promised I would, and I have to try and do this without all the things I have had in my life for so long, when I’m not being Emma Bishop. I will do this because I had to do things to survive in lots of ways but I really just want to be looked after properly.

Discipline (spanking, rules etc) is what I had before Emma Bishop. My mentor advised me against joining the ‘scene’ and just being totally professional and to keep that well apart from the real discipline.

I was being Emma Bishop at a party this weekend and I think I carried it off OK. I’m used to being in front of people (just because of training and conditioning) and I’m used to smiling when really I want to rant and throw a tantrum. Saturday was like that. It was a party, and I didn’t want to really ‘play’ at all so I kept my head in meet and greet stuff. I will play professionally cos I can hide behind that, but I don’t like to play for no reason if I haven’t been naughty, it just seems like i’m acting again. I just really ever play to see what the other person is like so its a test really, but most times they aren’t interested in who I really am and would probably call it ‘drama’ if I told them i was a Middle in real life and not get it. Or they pretend they do and nod or laugh and then I feel like a freak. I hate anyone calling me a ‘Lady’ or trying to age me up, because I’m totally not. If they knew I was a young teenager in my head, metabolism and a few other weird things they wouldn’t treat me like, but I’m not mad just not like you.

The only time I’m happy that some people would call ‘play’ or a ‘scene’ is when I’m at school and that’s why I go to parties where there is a school too, and in my films. I’m being myself, that’s the only time, even if others are grown ups playing school. I hate it ending, its not even about being spanked on purpose, it’s about just being me in real life. At the party this weekend I was going to stay in a hotel and I honestly completely forgot I was still in school uniform, because they feel like my normal clothes. When I remembered and undid my tie it made me sad. It made me feel like I was having to lie and act again. Obviously I only wear it in school roles, but I just forgot and didn’t think it mattered, just like any teenager going home from school in their normal school uniform.

Since then I had a lot of social media stuff i loved getting into and writing, and it’s thrilling and exciting, and I could be spanked lots by people every day if I said ‘Yes’ and have lots of ‘play’, but I don’t want that, because its all for and about Emma Bishop not me. Sometimes I don’t want people telling me I’m any kind of famous person in the scene or wanting to meet me, because then I have to be Emma Bishop for them. The real me is a pretty mixed up teenager in a grown ups body, having to fit in and lie and do grown up things when really I can’t. Well, i can do sexual things of course in my relationships but its just i’m more innocent and emotionally immature and I can’t treat it all like a kinky game, if to me its all real.

I’m different in ways I cant write about and only explain face to face to a very few people in my life I can trust. When I go home sometimes I just want to curl up with my teddies and cry and scream under the covers or throw things and swear really loud. Sometimes, I wish I was never Emma Bishop, but tomorrow I will probably do it all again. Until I find what I really want and that person wants all of the real me this is just an escape that keeps me away from being a recluse again. I’m actually scared and more shy than I make out, and I wish I could just be that again without the big front I have to keep up. Ive probably said this a few times in posts but noone REALLY listens or wants to.

I was glum and thinking about writing this and at the time I took a picture to show how I was feeling. I also miss my parents who I met in the scene (M/F couple who are both Disciplinarians), and after two and a half years I think they have disowned me too and couldn’t be there all the times when i most needed them and I’m very sad I feel like an orphan again. I am not sure if they just got bored I wasn’t always smiling and trying my hardest to appear happy in limited time together lately when we met and I will ill, or I’m too hard work 😦 Being Emma Bishop has helped the past two weeks from wondering what I did wrong and why I feel dumped 😦 This picture was when I was spanked by them before bedtime once. I was so proud I got my dropseat Pj’s from America with my name on, which I only got and wore for them. I think it’s over, I am not sure. It’s nearly 11 again, my bedtime was 9 for two years, i’m exhausted and I need to go, sorry.

PS: My Mentor was an Academic in Education. He forbade me to use apostrophes and I got spanked if I wrote I’m instead of I am etc…but now I do because I can, but really I was happier when I couldn’t but I don’t want to try now.