I appear in a film for Red Moon Rising called ‘No More Drama‘ (which has since been made avaiable to download) . I looked and felt terrible traveling down three hours on trains and had no intention of being in a film, but just hiding behind the camera and making tea. I was tired, no sleep for days and a mess, and think I looked it in the film too.
I was only supposed to be director and camera crew for this film but both of the models booked didn’t show (don’t get me started on how I feel about some so called ‘models’)! I had to quickly write a new scene on the spot while my well known co-star was standing there probably frustrated and thinking we are amateurs, after probably looking forward to spanking two visually lovely models. I had to act in the film, and direct it with one cameraman who had to be a contortionist, in the tiniest room ever totally unsuitable for film with no proper film lighting. I was stressed having to do three of four things at once, but we made a film and didn’t want to waste the day, even if it might be career suicide for me!
Luckily I had the kit of school uniforms with me for the other girls so I put one on. I already had deep bruises on my bottom from being caned and slippered by my Daddy at the time days before, so everything hurt at least twice as much and I should not have been working at all. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. The film is called ‘No More Drama’ and will be available at www.redmoonrisingmedia.com very soon but I don’t ever want to see it again.
I’ve invested almost 6 months so far working with Red Moon Rising Media. Initially I was approached to just appear in some films as a model, but the situation changed and I’ve been totally involved in contributing many of my ideas; as a spanking model/actress, graphics and media creator, scriptwriter, film director, camera person, website and marketing planner. It has taken up hours of my time and I’m glad it is almost in place and the site can launch shortly. I did actually write a blog post for the Red Moon Rising Media site but decided that having a blog there is not so important for now.
So that it’s not wasted I will publish the blog post I wrote there, as it tells of how I got into it and explains how hard it has been for me to carry on with it, since my relationship with my Daddy that came out of it ended abruptly and left me floundering for months.
It Began in an AirBnB
One afternoon there were two men, and two girls who arrived late for a spanking film shoot in a rented apartment. On the way was a well-known spanking model who was approached to join a start-up spanking website project, her name was Emma Bishop. We will let Emma describe the scene and her first impressions and thoughts….
“I arrived early (I’m always early or on time and never late) and called Mr P, one of the managers, on my mobile. I was standing outside of a row of block of flats and my Uber driver had dropped me at the wrong block, or else the instructions I was given weren’t that clear. Mr P said he would be “down in a minute” as he was dealing with two naughty girls who had arrived an hour late. My first thoughts were that maybe these are amateur hobbyists, making the usual free spanking and pirate video ‘tube’ stuff in dodgy fluorescently lit hotel rooms and it was all going to be a huge waste of time. I said I would come along to see how they work and if there was any time left I would perhaps do some test scenes.
After 5 minutes or so of pacing around with my overnight bag full of toys and outfits in case I was needed, Mr P called me back and came downstairs to meet me outside. These things always feel a bit ‘cloak and dagger’, like spanking 121 meetings with clients in hotel lobbies, where I’m trying my best to look vanilla but it feels exciting and taboo, as if I’m a naughty little call girl..even though it is only ever my bottom that gets a spanking!
We went upstairs to the top floor, no doubt chosen because of the sounds of spanking echoing more into the sky that the rooms below, and I was taken to the bedroom/changing room to wait as the video shoot was in progress. I don’t run a meter for my time in these situations, and I didn’t want to walk straight in and watch the action as I’ve never been too voyeuristic, so I just sat cross-legged on the carpet and did some work on my own ‘The Trouble with Emma’ website that I was re-launching anyway. Maybe my psychic powers and intuition felt good, something felt worth hanging around for, and it seemed kinda spooky and deja’ vu fateful they had approached me in the first place when I wasn’t even looking to ever make a film again!
I heard the spanking and scoldings in the next room and it didn’t sound like acting, and there was a mix of laughter and fun between takes that made me smile because enjoying what you do but knowing it is serious once the camera rolls is the essence of a good film. There seemed to be chemistry between the team and I couldn’t wait to walk in and meet them. My pulse was nervously racing at being with Mr P again anyway as we had just started a relationship and he needed to have a “discussion” with me anyway.
We had met on a train in London and after a couple of weeks all of this was less important than us. but we wanted both and had good ideas. I could be Emma Bishop for the films and me when we were off camera, although on set he made it clear I was always his little girl and I couldn’t drink too much and was under his rules in public still. I assumed he had the business already set up and I would just be a model.
After they had finished. Mr P came to fetch me and asked if I would come in and meet the team for a late buffet lunch, with the good quality aged Rioja I’d spied in the kitchen, always a sign of class! It later turned out this was a private film for a client and they used it as a test shoot, which seemed reasonable justification, after they had shot with me a few weeks later and discovered I know something about making films and the standard they have to be at 🙂 What my friends (and family as they feel to me now) didn’t know was that I was Emma Bishop, nobody had thought to Google that I had already trodden this path once before and worked with and learned from the finest in the industry. I met these two lovely girls and the other boss G, the film producer and technical brain as well as being excellent with experience of running a ‘proper’ business, something I discovered later.
Fast forward a few weeks and I’m part of this amazing team and we have gelled and I feel full of technical and creative ideas that I can freely bring to the party. Our amazing girl Kaylee has discovered new spanking talent in the shape of some excellent spanking models. Her friend Bella Blooming was a bonus find and is so talented and growing as an actress and performer every day, and it’s lovely to work with her and see her face beam afterwards. Since then the quality of performances has grown every shoot and I’m glad I can not only appear in them for now, but also direct some films and use some of my professional acting and creative media training too. I am not planning on being in many films but cameos are always on offer, so I’m looking forward to spending more time as a film director and working behind the scenes too. I never saw myself as just ‘Emma Bishop, spanking model’ but an entertainer, Red Moon Rising Media is ‘not just another spanking website’, so this could be a wonderful journey together!
My memory of this from now on will always be that Red Moon Rising Media was born and I was stripped naked in an AirBnB (that happened later), and I’m growing in a new world of wonder! It’s so good to be back!”
I’ve posted some images in a gallery below of a forthcoming film I’m in called ‘No More Drama’ (that’s almost another blog post in itself), plus some images from the cutting room floor to bring my blog up to date. The films and website are ready in the background, we are just waiting for the important technical add-ons to be fixed, delayed by the US companies virtually being away for two weeks over Xmas and New year.
I’m still going to be working with Red Moon Rising Media as a spanking model, but I’m also stepping away a bit as it has been too much and a lot more than I expected to be doing. It’s way too much for a little girl who has been lost for months. I promised I would see it through to the launch and I never go back on my promises, even though I’ve not only put my own reputation on the line, but it also all gets in the way of who I am in real life. I have helped shoot some BDSM scenes that are not what I should be seeing, and my ex-Daddy wouldn’t have allowed me on set to watch over 18 stuff , and it’s been hard.
Also I have stayed up and worked hours and hours with not enough sleep and no rules and discipline so I’m emotionally all over the place, all of the things I always had and need as a growing young lady so I need to have some help with that again. I have not asked anyone as i know I can’t keep to their rules because of doing all this stuff, so I would be spanked for things I can’t help because I gave my promise. My brain doesn’t understand what to do anymore so I need an adult to take charge and tell me and give me their rules and stuff again so I can just go back to being myself without acting as Emma Bishop in all this. I can be Emma Bishop in any films still when I work for other websites and they tell me what to do, and do film clips with others (which I want to do), but most of the time I want to be my real self and not do any of this professional stuff, but have an uncle or auntie or teacher who can help me with my own life and growing up and will understand what I find hard to ever say when I’m being Emma Bishop.
When I used to write Bishy’s Blog MKI, I had so many people saying they related and felt as if they knew me. Apparently it was honest and from my heart (which it always is), and although I’m ‘Emma Bishop’, they said they got a good insight into the life of a spanking model. More importantly I wrote a lot of the blog when I had my long term mentor, so much of what I posted were genuine pictures of my real life discipline, and I would write about it, including the dread and fear of it all. I think most people mainly enjoyed the pictures and I suspect some thought they were staged, seeing as I’m meant to be ‘Emma Bishop’. Truth is my real life has never been like that.
When I’m out there as Emma Bishop I can love the attention and get high on feeling loved and perhaps even valued a bit for what I set out to do as a creative performer. I know how to do this, I trained in how to do this both as a professional model first and then a mainstream actress, but sometimes it’s too much and I just want to run away again and hide. But then I miss that attention and succumb to people saying they miss me, when I assume they really mean they miss my bottom. Oh I know if I write this openly there will be some people who think its a career ending whinge, and others who may think it’s self indulgent, but if I wasn’t writing it all down I would probably have to tell a friend in the scene how I’m doing and maybe even a Doctor. I don’t actually care if Emma Bishop loses fans. Those who get me (as me) will know what I mean and relate to what I’m writing next.
I miss having my Daddy, or someone who disciplines me for real but REALLY cares about me too like in a proper relationship, and I’m not just feeling like a time slot. I will never ask anyone to spank me or go to them because I’m a a girl and they are grown ups and I’m used to just being told. None of this scene protocol ‘play’ stuff that everyone does since 50 shades like an appointment. I was born this way and I’m old fashioned and I don’t understand that type of play on something that is inside my head and every fibre of me. My mentor was bold, he once we made contact he just saw how i was behaving and immediately took over and TOLD me to report to him. He already knew I would say yes by my email replies when he was getting to know me and he could see how I am. I had rules and he did it all and I had huge respect for him. As he wast in the scene at all, he just saw a child who needed guidance and he did all of that just like as if my parents in the olden days had hired a private tutor for me. Dr Williams is actually all of that in his career, although not of course in the way he was with me.
With my Daddy I felt understood, grounded, loved and on track when he was here, but now I feel empty, so I have ran into being Emma Bishop again and keeping so busy that I don’t have to remember what happened. I won’t go into details but he had to go away and Ive got used to the idea I won’t see him again ever, and I think I’m also over it too. The gap that’s left though is that I’m undisciplined again, I have no sense of looking after myself properly and it’s slowly dragging me down, but I have to keep going because I promised I would, and I have to try and do this without all the things I have had in my life for so long, when I’m not being Emma Bishop. I will do this because I had to do things to survive in lots of ways but I really just want to be looked after properly.
Discipline (spanking, rules etc) is what I had before Emma Bishop. My mentor advised me against joining the ‘scene’ and just being totally professional and to keep that well apart from the real discipline.
I was being Emma Bishop at a party this weekend and I think I carried it off OK. I’m used to being in front of people (just because of training and conditioning) and I’m used to smiling when really I want to rant and throw a tantrum. Saturday was like that. It was a party, and I didn’t want to really ‘play’ at all so I kept my head in meet and greet stuff. I will play professionally cos I can hide behind that, but I don’t like to play for no reason if I haven’t been naughty, it just seems like i’m acting again. I just really ever play to see what the other person is like so its a test really, but most times they aren’t interested in who I really am and would probably call it ‘drama’ if I told them i was a Middle in real life and not get it. Or they pretend they do and nod or laugh and then I feel like a freak. I hate anyone calling me a ‘Lady’ or trying to age me up, because I’m totally not. If they knew I was a young teenager in my head, metabolism and a few other weird things they wouldn’t treat me like, but I’m not mad just not like you.
The only time I’m happy that some people would call ‘play’ or a ‘scene’ is when I’m at school and that’s why I go to parties where there is a school too, and in my films. I’m being myself, that’s the only time, even if others are grown ups playing school. I hate it ending, its not even about being spanked on purpose, it’s about just being me in real life. At the party this weekend I was going to stay in a hotel and I honestly completely forgot I was still in school uniform, because they feel like my normal clothes. When I remembered and undid my tie it made me sad. It made me feel like I was having to lie and act again. Obviously I only wear it in school roles, but I just forgot and didn’t think it mattered, just like any teenager going home from school in their normal school uniform.
Since then I had a lot of social media stuff i loved getting into and writing, and it’s thrilling and exciting, and I could be spanked lots by people every day if I said ‘Yes’ and have lots of ‘play’, but I don’t want that, because its all for and about Emma Bishop not me. Sometimes I don’t want people telling me I’m any kind of famous person in the scene or wanting to meet me, because then I have to be Emma Bishop for them. The real me is a pretty mixed up teenager in a grown ups body, having to fit in and lie and do grown up things when really I can’t. Well, i can do sexual things of course in my relationships but its just i’m more innocent and emotionally immature and I can’t treat it all like a kinky game, if to me its all real.
I’m different in ways I cant write about and only explain face to face to a very few people in my life I can trust. When I go home sometimes I just want to curl up with my teddies and cry and scream under the covers or throw things and swear really loud. Sometimes, I wish I was never Emma Bishop, but tomorrow I will probably do it all again. Until I find what I really want and that person wants all of the real me this is just an escape that keeps me away from being a recluse again. I’m actually scared and more shy than I make out, and I wish I could just be that again without the big front I have to keep up. Ive probably said this a few times in posts but noone REALLY listens or wants to.
I was glum and thinking about writing this and at the time I took a picture to show how I was feeling. I also miss my parents who I met in the scene (M/F couple who are both Disciplinarians), and after two and a half years I think they have disowned me too and couldn’t be there all the times when i most needed them and I’m very sad I feel like an orphan again. I am not sure if they just got bored I wasn’t always smiling and trying my hardest to appear happy in limited time together lately when we met and I will ill, or I’m too hard work 😦 Being Emma Bishop has helped the past two weeks from wondering what I did wrong and why I feel dumped 😦 This picture was when I was spanked by them before bedtime once. I was so proud I got my dropseat Pj’s from America with my name on, which I only got and wore for them. I think it’s over, I am not sure. It’s nearly 11 again, my bedtime was 9 for two years, i’m exhausted and I need to go, sorry.
PS: My Mentor was an Academic in Education. He forbade me to use apostrophes and I got spanked if I wrote I’m instead of I am etc…but now I do because I can, but really I was happier when I couldn’t but I don’t want to try now.
Today was the launch party for Red Moon Rising Media who I have been working with for the past few months. I was spanked by Miss Iceni who is a well known Domme and had to apologise to my friend Ana, who was also spanked a lot.
Here are some puctures, I hope you can spot me in the thick of it!
Today I had a late night detention with a US friend in London. I remember a hairbrush, strap and lots of spanking going on! It was a mad dash down on the train and I got the last train home.. but with a sore bottom!
I had some great pre-Christmas fun with a friend playing a secretary who had messed up on a shipping order. I am happy to play these roles, and he even bought cakes for tea. I like fun scenes when its not too serious but I still get a warm bottom!
I did that BDSM test the other day and it really surprised my ‘parents’ because I scored high as a brat.
Father said… “It is perhaps a surprise though that the “brat” score is so high…. I was thinking that brats rather enjoy being naughty……is that right do you think? It seems to me that you rather do try to be good, but are just not always successful?”
I said…”I don’t set out to be a brat in my relationships, but I’m a middle and used to lots of attention and I lose interest and withdraw if I don’t get it and I move on, so then its just like vanilla friendship. It depends if my needs are met and how inhibited I feel in a situation and if I can be myself or not. I become how I feel I’m being treated and I sulk and don’t handle endings well just like any teenager really as you know and keep telling me but I can’t help it, it really is out of my control in a medical brain maturity kind of way like I explained when we all met. I do brat a lot to test people out. I don’t deliberate set out to in my head but it takes me over and is just how I am. I don’t expect people to realise or deal with that because most times I don’t know them too well they are scared off by me if it’s too real I think, and they prefer play and scenes which are easy and less effort as way in.”
This got me thinking so I ended up writing a poem that just came out of my head in the canteen at school! ..
A Brat’s Creed
I see the things you follow And wonder if I’d walk behind I try to smoke you out To see if you’re my kind
By throwing you a teaser I get to know your style I read each word in pictures And most times run a mile
My mind will spin in cartwheels If magic words are said My body wil be tempted To catch up with my head
But if you are just a wordsmith I quickly see the truth Touché, au revoir or c’est la vie This brat run rings around you.. but.. doesn’t really want to.
I often have times when its all too much and I just wanna run away from trying to act grown up and right now I just want to get a plane somewhere hot and be totally on my own. I say I will sleep and get myself together but after a while I get bored so end up online again and tired, all the reason why I run away in the first place and its a cycle I cant break right now. I used to have a journal, rules, a schedule, time limits and stuff but they are gone, I need them but wont ask for them as its too complicated even to ask my parents who are meant to be here for me. I need total rehab and detox from caffeine, vices like the internet and to be somewhere where I can be looked after but also straightened out so I know right from wrong again…sounds like I need a good spanking hey?
But the thing is I haven’t actually done anything wrong at all, this is not a cry for help in the way disciplinarians and mentors may pounce on me and say they can ‘help’ me. I accepted that before, and it did help then and I was grateful and got better but it won’t on its own right now. Like I said I haven’t done anything wrong, apart from falling in love and it is NOT my fault. The only two people i’ve told (when I always wanted to tell the whole world I’m in love, its every princess’s dream) think i’m walking around with blinkers on and I’m being naive. I feel like I should go to a confession box, but I haven’t actually sinned, but it feel like I’m drowning. I’m still a little girl. 14 actually or 9 as ‘he’ says and was probably more right than me, and I’m having to cope with an enormous big situation I’m in. I don’t trust new people who say they wanna be friends when really I know they just want to spank my bottom and will say they will help just to do that bit, and that is the last thing I need right now. My former mentor, and my parents (when I finally see them after their longest trip abroad) would have listened and help fix me but I don’t want to dump on them and they can’t give me enough time and have their own lives anyway. I saw Mama last week when she popped over but she was one of the two people I told and he reaction was the same as my friend, and I just wanted to cry and have hugs and wish it would all magically go away like it never happened, but she has her own life like I said so I left it there and I kept a lot in and smiled and drank wine even though I shouldn’t. So…its easier to be Emma Bishop where I can just concentrate on what I know I can do and I get to cry and pretend its because of the scene when really its all too much right now but I will use it as an outlet until I can be me again.
I am going to run away on my own soon once we have launched the websites and my new films are out there and I’ve returned, but I don’t know where to go. I don’t know of a single place that’s a cross between a boarding school, a health farm/clinic and a church where its quiet and I can like, talk to a priest who cant see my face so I can’t see his disappointment, and I can get it out of my system and someone will tell me what to do. I miss Michael my rock, he would have listened and made it all OK again but he is up in the sky and can’t talk back. When I look like an adult people see me like that and they really think I can make my own mind up and sort myself out, but I can’t I really can’t and right now I’m not coping just getting through the days. So when you see me again in the films you will know I took all this into the scenes, but cried my eyes out after I got home. Emma Bishop created me and saves me every time, but even she can’t this time. I cant post this as Emma Bishop because she is strong and confident and smiles for the camera and is the heroine I want to be in my normal and more real Middle life. I shouldn’t write like this and bore people to tears when its my hormonal week, but this time I won’t delete it because its how I feel and will feel until someone tells me it wasn’t a dream and what I must do for my own good because I don’t know what that is anymore, who ever did when they fell in love with the wrong person on paper? I don’t love on paper but with my heart but this time it feels like there will always be chains around my heart. Maybe the only way out of it is to be told by a grown up that I WILL or WON’T do this, but I want to hear it from someone who I know will be there for me after I have.
If all of this sounds too cryptic, the simple truth is that I had a new Daddy who I met in May in a sliding doors train moment, and he was gone with the wind and had to go away under a cloud. We had great times but there was a lot to him that got in the way, but I cannot say. Keeping it to myself has been the hardest thing I had to do. I think I fell in love and if things were different I might have ran away with him abroad. Only time will tell if it was for the best and if forgetting hin forever was the only way to treasure what might have been.
I had a recent slightly drunken conversation with a vanilla man friend who I kinda really like but never said, and he’s left and moved away now. He knows everything about my kink but isn’t a spanko. He said he could never ‘hit’ a girl…while I’m sitting there running a monologue through my head thinking I would be brave enough to happily offer to be his first sacrificial test crash dummy tee hee! Nice as he is though, and even with some obvious chemistry, from my side at least; he teases me and hints a lot but never cut to the freakin’ chase, with him not being a spanko it’s a deal breaker for me so I never said how I feel about him in all the other ways. If I had done it would only have got me in a stupid mess again, and I did say I will never compromise again so that’s dead in the water.
Anyway, when we were out once before he was looking at this pretty
girl at the bar with long legs and commenting about what type of girls
he likes. He regularly dropped in little criticisms about my boyfriend
at the time, insinuating he wasn’t imaginative enough for me and not my
type, and he invited me to have a quick birthday (mine) drink with him,
on the Sunday night after I had just said goodbye to my (newish) spanko
boyfriend. I immediately told my spanko boyfriend and he was fine with
me going to meet a friend, and in any case didn’t have any exclusivity
over me at that stage as it was still early on. My point being that I
kinda hoped Guy A (non spanko) was a tincy bit jealous I had a
boyfriend, as he wanted to see me on my birthday as we were staying in
the same area that night, and I thought he might say something, but he
never did. I still harbourded hopes I could convert him into a spanko if
he had, but its well over now and he is gone.
When we met for the last time, and building on our open sexy risque
chats, we did get onto the subject of his ‘type of girl’ again. I
rambled on, after too much red wine, about how I like girls as friends,
but am not attracted to them in the same way as I am to men so can’t
comment much about other girls apart from that I can appreciate beauty,
cool and personalities in anyone. Then I opened up a bit more about a
few situations I had had with girls that made me feel all wrong,
excepting one or two girls who I really did have feelings for. I tried
to justify that by saying I wouldn’t know what to do now anyway, and I’m
way too shy to make any kind of first move. I told him there was a word
called ‘Heteroflexible” that I had seen recently (thanks Fetlife!). I
said I didn’t think I was one of “them”, as it’s very rare I am
attracted to girls, but maybe that it’s the whole person I’m attracted
to. I went away and thought about it the next day and googled the word
I have always been ‘Straight’ in Fetlife because I was and still am
99% attracted to men, because of all of the usual pheromones and other
things I sense and feel towards men:) Then I thought to myself, maybe
I’m closing down ever surprising myself or being surprised. And what if,
for example, someone of the same sex may want to know me better than
just a friend, but knows I’m ‘straight’, so I never would know how they
feel, and I would never say anything either because I just wouldn’t know
how to as I’m also immature. I know i keep saying that and you will all
be curious or thinking i’m retarded or weird but I’m not, but just
different and most definitely a Middle in all ways. It’s kinda medical
as my metabolism and whole life pattern is out of sync with what it
should be, and a Doctor recently asked if I’m from another planet, which
really made me feel like a freak!
In terms of girls in spanking relationships and friendships I am not
turned on by Female Domme at all, as I see men in charge and look up to
them and it does everything for me. When I have been spanked by a woman
it’s not been the same in my head at all, however hard I try, and I
can’t help or apologise for that. I love it in films or role play
though, it fits and I can get into it just as well as I can with a man
in charge. But there is a small 1% chance I just haven’t met the right
girl yet, I will probably never know.
So, for that 1% chance, I have changed my orientation to
‘Heteroflexible’, but I’m NOT ‘coming out’ or making a big “hey, look at
me” deal about it, because after today I probably won’t give it another
thought, unless another Guy A tries to get me drunk and interrogates it
out of me again!.
There is a big difference between being spanked for fun or discipline
in my friendships and relationships and what I do as a model. It’s not
about the actually limits, because on film I have been spanked just as
hard and ‘for real’, but it’s about professional boundaries….
“Boundaries huh?, I say aloud to myself. Aren’t they the fundamental
conversation basis of all consensual spanking/BDSM relationships?”
Yes..and No. I hate boundaries in my personal relationships but once I’m
in one i don’t want a choice, but as a spanking model boundaries keep
In my personal life, anyone I call ‘Sir’ is in charge of me and he
makes the rules. Sure, when we are playing early on or dating and we
have to talk about likes/dislikes/deal breakers and limits then I have
my say. Once we have passed the road test/mutual audition and I know
what he has and he knows what I have and where I am, then I expect to be
taught HIS way. If there is not that chemistry then it ends there,
although for the past few years I have got this wrong more than once
when either one of us has tried to turn it into a match, when I should
have been braver and trusted my faithful gut and walked. That is a
compromise, I will never do that again, it is a waste of my precious
time on this planet and I am not grown up enough to decide what to do.
This is the biggest discovery and lesson I’ve learned well since I
stopped being a professional. I’m pretty immature and emotionally
vulnerable, so I can’t lead anything, he has to have that experience or I
feel confused and scared and very unsure if he dithers or keeps asking
me how I feel and if it’s “hard enough”, or asking me to suggest reasons
why i need to be spanked. I have never been a player, I have only known
domestic discipline and being in the control of a mentor/teacher type
who is authoritative naturally. In fact I have only tried the concept of
“play’ quite recently outside of professionally so I have to treat it
the same, it’s a role, but I will still enjoy it and give my best but on
a surface level.
In my professional life, I’m in charge and I decide what the
boundaries are. I can play the role requested, and in most cases I am
being my authentic self depending on the role, but I am monitoring all
of it in my head and staying safe and as committed as I can be with a
stranger. It’s pretty much the same at parties, I cannot give any more
of myself as I won’t trust anyone I may never see again. ‘Play’ for me
is the same as what i do as a professional, I stay in control and will
never go into any total ‘space’ as its too risky for me and I am not
adult enough to cope if it goes somewhere that makes me emotional.
Professionally, we sit down and talk about the route through the time
together and my aim is to meet his needs, not mine, although if I am
ever asked I will say so. Some people don’t need a role play or scene,
but I prefer this as a way in but never want to talk about my ‘needs’ if
it means I might be compromised. So, it’s strictly professional but I
always hope to get on well and make a new friend through it. If I get
hit too hard then I say so, I’m in character but not out of giving
consent outside of a typical role play and usual ‘play’ limits. I have
been spanked hard at parties in the US and on one occasion would have
liked to have carried on and arranged to meet again, but my professional
head stayed on and I wanted to enjoy the rest of the party rather than
being worn out. Party play limits are no different, and unless we
dramatically drop into something more deep and personal without a script
then I have to keep my third eye.
OMG this sounds like I’m setting ground rules and advertising my
services, but no, really its all about how I am able to switch myself on
and off again. I am glad I can be that brave again because I lost that,
and my wonderfully clear line between real and
party/casual/professional play got blurred so I ran away. This time I’m
fighting to look after myself, and not get involved in anything that is
way bigger than I can handle. Little girls don’t do drama or
complications, they just like to dream, act, have oodles of fun and love
and be looked after and I’m exactly the same. But my big girl head is
on again as Emma Bishop when I’m acting professionally, and that will
protect me again in my personal life like it used to.
Personal = could go anywhere
Professional = stays in a small circle.