Since I last wrote in January, a lot has happened. I started with a lockdown friend (who I have known for ages and ages), we became a bubble and grew and grew, so now I have a proper Daddy as well as someone to love and look after me. For a long time, it was all about spanking and the occasional meetings were had were on role play terms, and things were complicated so we never really got to spend much time together as people. Lockdown socially distanced teas, coffees and fistbumps turned into proper conversations, and freedom hugs turned into kisses. We have been through so much together so now I know I’m loved and wanted, not because I’m Emma Bishop but because I’m wanted for vanilla me too.

Since Michael died nearly 5 years ago, I never wanted to date anyone again, I never wanted anyone to get that close, or give anything, or tell too much. When the person you love dies with all your secrets and love, it was as if I had exhausted all my hopes and dreams and I was all talked out. We covered everything from Shakespeare to Chateauneuf Du Pape. I had gone from Eliza Doolittle to A level standard and from a glottal-stopping council house (and proud) slightly cockney Londoner to Queens RP English for the stage. I got more auditions, saw plays twice a week, and laughed and laughed at the same things. The problem with marrying someone much older than you is that you never ever think it will end. You cannot be rational and practical, feeling right is right, it doesn’t matter who you meet. I know for sure that age, gender, race and any other consideration you might have a preference for can go out of the window when your ships collide and nothing else matters but togetherness and savouring every second of time you think you have.

I think I grieved long enough and got it all out over 5 years so far, but sometimes I’m not sure. I still can’t look at any wedding photos and I openly cry over the silliest things that remind me of him, regardless of where I am and who I’m with, even in the office I have, but I never feel embarrassed or apologise, I’m not mature enough to care about what people think when it just happens.

Whatever you think, and I know only a few people who really know me will understand, like my parents, I’m just 16 now (on paper) and I feel I know more and have somehow survived when I wanted to die too at one point. I know I’m a lot stronger than I ever thought and with my serious three-year-old chronic eyelids problem (which I still have and am praying I can get surgery for soon without going totally blind), I have had to find what I had when ‘Emma Bishop’ the spanking model was born and use her strength to take it day by day and always know it will work out fine.

Anyway, fast forward the missing and blurred last five years to today, and I am happy. This is not something I have done on my own, but because my Daddy/Boyfriend/Love (or whatever word fits) has not gone away. He has been persistent even when I was sure we were not suited, even when I made excuses to stop sessions because they went outside of ‘play, and even when I am not in the mood for anything much and just want to talk, or go for a walk. I was afraid of being hurt, and still am, and afraid to admit that actually he does everything right and cares about me, even when I think I know what’s best for me. That is the type of person who deserves me. Now I just want to get well again so I can enjoy the rest of my life and see where it takes us. I want to give more, but that is taking a bit more time, but I know I don’t have to blame myself anymore for loving someone else again. I hope Michael is proud of me and won’t mind and will want me to be happy again.

Most of all I’m glad he wants me to himself. I no longer feel like I’m not good enough, other girls are better than me and I have to keep looking over my shoulder and wondering who is going to spoil my dreams again. Michael made me feel good enough, now I can finally trust again. However things turn out in my life from now on, I know I am good enough for myself and my new Daddy is more than good enough for me. Thank you Daddy 🙂

PS: To lighten my mood today tee hee here is my and Daddy’s fun video fun today at the start. He caned me while holding the camera in the other hand but is threatening a tripod next time so he can swing easier! I’m out of practice of getting the cane so it hurt a bit more! Some thigh turkeys afterwards too which were ouchy!!

Since my last post, so much has happened, not in terms of spanking activity because of the Covid lockdown restrictions, but in terms of where I am now compared with the past 12 months. Almost a year ago, I was rushed into hospital for my tummy operation, having recently gotten myself back into the scene and some films again. 5 months or so later, when I last posted in here, I was still recovering and in my usual impatient style I was trying to go from couch to 5K every day and was walk/running in the park, despite being told it could take up to a year for my abs to fully heal. I had a setback when I had pains along my scar tissue and was exhausted and in bed a few days, and after some advice from a friend who had a similar process, I decided to slow down and only do 30 minutes (no more than 2k) every two days until I was stronger. It worked, and three months later at the end of September, I felt I was a lot better and ready to do a bit more. In all, it took 9 months for me to realise it was a serious operation I had and not just a poorly tummy.

I had my first post-op test spanking in June, gently with a cushion under my tummy, and have had two more with implements warm-ups since then, including the cane. My levels are not like they were in early January 2020 which I had built up over 6 months since my return to films and parties, and now with full lockdown again things are on hold again, plus I have made some decisions on how I want to do things from now on.

One piece of good news is that I had a lovely surprise phone call on Christmas Day from my parents who I hadn’t spoken to since my last post here. I had a female (non-scene) friend here in my social bubble on Christmas Day and we had a great time with a traditional dinner and watching movies and stuffing our faces with treats, but as she was off making calls to her own loved ones it gave me a chance to have a long chat with my parents. 6 months is a long time to a girl like me, and I felt very different after the year I had recovering so it was easier to explain how I felt then and why I wrote what I did then. They did nothing wrong, I was just in a very hurt and defensive place a year or so ago. After the life-threatening scare I had (which I didn’t even tell them about as we had split up, and I didn’t think they would come to see me in hospital anyway, when I didn’t want their pity and help as I’m as stubborn and feisty as hell when I feel alone), gradually over last year I saw things differently. I was wrong about everything, once again email and the way I expressed myself a year ago was not fair to them, and they cared about me more than I wanted to accept. It’s true, the best way to stay together in any kind of relationship (vanilla or otherwise) is to talk and listen. My way was to hit out and run away again because I am emotional and was hurt.

When I feel neglected and I don’t get enough attention or feel special and valued I just leave and say nothing, which is my way of doing what I think is happening to me. If things feel at arms-length they become superficial, particularly with relationships I have had in the scene, where everyone is competing for attention so I then value them how I think I am being valued. Oh, I know people have separate lives and can dip in and out of vanilla and kink, but I never had that. I was born with whatever it is inside me that makes me how I am. Plus for weird medical type reasons, my feelings and emotions, organising my life, and my behaviour and attitude, I have a different mental age of 14 to 15. It doesn’t seem to go up every year but I am not mad, but I just have had to live with it. When I meet people via the scene it’s worse because they think I’m playing some sort of weird kinky age regression thing. I have spoken to a psychiatrist about it years ago but it’s not life-threatening or something I can snap out of through choice ( I dumped someone who told me to “grow up” once), so I just do my best to get through life with it.

I’m unable to compartmentalise my feelings and time into convenient chunks, so when I am in, I am all in, there is no on/off switch. The part I got wrong is to assume my parents are like others and we were not a real family. We are, I know that now, and I missed them like crazy like any girl my type would. It was like feeling continually in and out of a boarding school when they went away, but I know they were always there for me and my diary and messages mattered. We spoke again New Years Day and I think and hope it is behind us because I know I am in a different place now and learned a lot. They did not understand why I had to post in my blog about us as a family, and after this post today I probably won’t mention them much at all. I explained that I have been writing Bishy’s Blog for years and I am never censoring myself or writing when I feel I have to appease anyone because that is not me. I have never named names or laundry aired and have bitten my lip most times and ran away and sulked, but this mattered to me, they matter to me. Writing helps me grow and heal and if I do ever elude to writing about anyone its because they have affected me enough to be worthy of my thoughts and feelings. They do want me to be happy and find the right relationship though, but will always be my parents.

I feel good now and started 2021 by setting up a gym in my hallway. If you read my news feed you will see I post on Twitter more than anywhere, so my blog posts may be more spread out, I am super busy and do a lot of other stuff. As I know I need help with my life and cant keep staying away from school now I’m well again, I advertised for a life coach/disciplinarian type person. I had quite a few replies so far but am looking for the right situation. I have been honest and replied to everyone because some people are just not on my page in terms of their profile and kinks or experience, so I am taking my time. I want to have fun and make friends too and my guard is up. For my own sanity, I tried to break down the different types of scene people and relationship options into groups and how I might do things in the future. I know myself and the scene much better now so these are the questions I asked myself and the types I have met in the past:

  • Do I want a Dom – No, too BDSM and controlling of my life
  • Occasional Scene/Role Play – Professionally only. My boundaries, role play not “punishment”, you are not my Dom and you won’t tell me how much I have to take or I will walk away and stop the session
  • Party Play and School events – Yes always, I miss my friends and it’s a good place to make new ones and contacts
  • Mentor/Life Coach’Disciplinarian type – Yes, but only one and must have experience and fit what I want. I won’t tell you too much about anything other than what’s in the rules, no personal commitments to each other apart from occasional scheduled sessions. No liking me too much or wanting to date me or get to know me too well, that will mess my head up and has happened twice. One such person in this group from a few years ago described himself as a “cold fish” as he had multiple “spankees”, although there is a caring side to this in that they want you to succeed and usually like you as a person. I would really see them as a teacher to hit me with stuff when I misbehave etc and not get too close or share too much information on my other activities. It is a service that is based on tasks and a few set rules, and in return, they get to spank a “celebrity” bottom tee hee! Usually (for me) short term (3 to 6 months) but it has helped in the past until I get bored or it’s not taking me forward and I just feel like a number. No hard feelings either way, and they might stay on my virtual Christmas card list! 🙂
  • Occasional play or ‘funishment’ with friends or potential new ones – Maybe, but only if there is chemistry of some kind and I want to test you out!
  • Films/Shared content – Yes, with those who know what they are doing and have some kind of website presence in the scene (no amateurs). I won’t let just anyone take photos or spank me unless I get something I can use too
  • Best friend/DD Lifestyle partner/Daddy type etc – Not looking for this at the moment, but if I ever find this again it will be by chance and I will probably not want or need much of the above I hope. I am a nice girl, devoted and loyal, and I may only play at parties evermore. If someone meets my needs that much and I love them then why would I want anyone else? No-one else will be good enough for me and I would expect to be good enough for them too. I don’t share people I love with anyone, regardless of trust it always leads to misery. Her/them or me is a simple honest discussion/equation and we can both do the math, no need to sneak around, I prefer to walk if I am not enough. Spanking with others at parties or friends get-togethers we are both at is cool. I love that, and feeling safe having someone special to take me there and spank me back at home too is too perfect!

I fell out with my parents recently, it was my decision cos I felt neglected. I asked them to post my things back that just came. Now I’m very sad.

Because we met in the ‘scene’ I will never know if they really were my parents and loved me or not, sometimes I wish I was vanilla 😢

Maybe I was expecting too much, so when I got mad it was my fault for being judgemental and saying things I really didn’t care about or mind or mean. I never like typing on screens relationships because everything comes out wrong in moments of madness. I’m done with typing, if people want to know me then we have to talk very often like real people do, two ways, where I can hear and see your reactions and know how I came over.

I’ve had friendships via the ‘scene’ and once I let my guard down and give too much I expect it to be like a normal loving situation, where people do anything for each other and be there when you need them most. I don’t see it like they have separate lives and I’m only there for the smiley fun and to spank my bottom, and then they switch back to their private life and I’m just an outsider. That’s how it always feels and that’s why I hate, blame, and run away from the scene sometimes because it blurs my lines.

I wanted a real family and I never want adults pretending to be my parents, but not really feeling themselves they are. I’m a middle, how the hell can I tell if people mean what they say?

I’ve decided it’s very clear I can’t cope with grown ups scene relationships, and even though I’m recovered from my tummy op I don’t want anyone spanking my bottom, not even disciplinarians, because you don’t know me or care about me really and I could be anyone. I’m afraid to let anyone in the scene touch my skin right now. I would be happier not being in the scene so much, and having someone more vanilla I love and who loves me spank me now and then. It won’t give me all I need but I never had that ever anyway, so I guess it’s impossible to ever have.

It was NEVER a game to me, I only ever wanted to belong to someone and have a family, so the next time anyone says they love me and wants to be my Daddy or Mommy don’t blame me if I find it hard to believe it’s not another role play. Father and Mama were the only parents I wanted, and now all I can do is try and be grown up about it and wish them well too.

I have lots of spanking implements at home that have either been left with me, passed on, or bought as presents at events such as the BBB (Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar) , the LAM (London Alternative Market) or at other parties in the UK and US. I think I have enough to cater for most spankos, although it’s always nice if people have their own because it at least shows they have some knowledge of them, and hopefully how to use them! I know lots of experienced Doms and Tops will definitely have their own, because it’s a personal thing and I prefer to be with people in this category because some are one step ahead of me and will naturally take charge 🙂

I have Quality Control, London Tanners and Ouch products in the collection. The Canes are Dragon, Kooboo, Rattan, plus a special mixed wood Conni cane, and they are Junior and Senior sizes. There are rubber and leather sole slippers as well as heavy gym ones, wooden implements of different thicknesses and leather paddles and straps for all levels from fun play to severe:

I’ve been asked lots of times about my ‘needs’, but that differs according to the situation. In professional role play situations my only need is to enjoy it and be free to create and have fun, and end up with a warm nice tingly bottom and a friendly hug!. Lets’ call this my Level 1.

In my Level 2 personal play or ‘funishment’ situation, which I think the majority of spanko people and Tops provide, I like:

  • Spanking – given properly in stages as a warm up. There doesn’t have to be a reason but usually my attitude gives me away! I’ve had all kinds of spankings, but as I’m not really a player for thrills, most have been semi or full punishment ones. Funnily enough I can tell the difference between left and right handed spankers, not just from the side I go over their knee from, but it feels different. I am not telling you which is the most erotic for me though, because I’ve had good spankings from left and right handers and the ambidextrous! I trust most people to just spank me, and only once or twice have I bratted and regretted it after 30 seconds so it turned into proper discipline, but I knew that and had already made my mind up I wanted it, plus it was with well known Dominants who don’t mess around. Oh I know people in the scene ‘negotiate’ and I agree that consent is vital, but I have an element of CNC (Consent-Non Consent) in me by nature, since I was born this way to look up to real authority so if I ever take that risk and chance then I do so because I feel it intuitively and know it’s the only place it can go. I will clearly call a halt to it if I change my mind or have other medical reasons, but apart from getting cramp in my leg once I have never had to use a safeword (true) so I hope I continue to trust the right people in this situation. Plus I may have some kind of feelings or great respect for the spanker and immediately know my place with them from the moment they walk in in a vanilla way. Sometimes that just happens, it’s a kind of like super chemistry but it’s not something I make a habit of looking for.
  • Leather paddles, straps and belts – I like these in play as a continuation of a good hand spanking. Lying on a bed with pillows under my tummy is good, but smaller leather implements can be given OTK. Some leather is quite rigid and heavy so I see them more in real discipline because they can leave long lasting marks and I cant have that in my work as a model. I had a Canadian Prison Strap once and a mis-hit wrap left the side of my leg marked for 6 months, and I had to airbrush subsequent work I did in photo shoots, which I have never done before or since.
  • Slippers – Good for OTK or bent over a high chair or school desk. I think with slippers a set number of strokes is best in ‘play’, unless it is used as a continuation of a warm up. I am wary of gym slippers because I have had them full force and been bruised for days so they can be a discipline implement.
  • Canes – I’ve had cold canings that have made me cry after 6 strokes, and over 100 strokes given in stages at all levels, but in most of my Level 1 or 2 cases it’s 6 or 12 to finish off.
  • Other Wood – I don’t let many people use hairbrushes or wood paddles or the dreaded bath brush on my bottom because these are not a ‘play’ toys, and unless someone is pretty skilled at being able to use them as a continuation of a spanking then I see these as proper discipline implements. I have plastic hairbrushes that are great for spanking too that can be used in role play or ‘funishment’.

My Level 3 – My needs in discipline are different from play and party fun, which I will happily do with friends because I can control that and not have to let my emotional guard down much. For discipline, once I give my consent I don’t want or have a say and it is totally up to the person who is in charge of me. I am wary more of ‘Disciplinarians’ because sometimes despite getting what I deserve and coming away feeling contrite and cleansed I can become too attached, particularly if I connect with them in a vanilla way too and develop feelings. Discipline is the way to my whole inner soul/self and most times I can separate the person hitting me with stuff from my feelings, but sometimes I can’t and it leaves me wanting more, and if I don’t walk away sooner than later in the relationship I know I will end up broken. This is why I stopped seeing Disciplinarians, because I can’t trust myself unless I know I have zero capability of ever being attracted to them. It’s a thin line to walk if you are a girl like me who was brought up with discipline and knows it should be given with love, so if love for me isn’t there it is not complete but just a one way exercise. That’s why I tend look for the whole person first who just happens to also be a Disciplinarian, and then I get my own perfect ending. One off sessions I can maybe do but I have to agonise a lot over anything I get into that involves “affecting” me. I’m a Middle and although I can manage play and role play sessions I’m not grown up enough to handle emotional stuff, and that’s why any relationships I have had have usually been with a Daddy type or my scene parents who can understand this side of me. If people just want to hit me with stuff then that’s not fair.

I hope by writing this I have finally admitted things to myself and shared them with others who may have seen me as not knowing want and need. I have had occasions where Dominant people have said I need to say what I want more because they are not a “mind reader”, but I still believe they bloody well should be, that’s part of being my Dominant! If they can’t read my mind, how they hell can they understand my bodily needs? I think it’s sometimes a lazy Top/Player/closet Switch dressed up as a Dominant says who does not want to invest in that part, usually because they really don’t know how or have it in them, and as I’m psychic and highly intuitive and bright I can feel that anyway before they get anywhere near my bottom. So, I know EXACTLY what I want and need and now…so do you.

The coronavirus lockdown (which for me has been a continual extension of the 5 weeks grounding indoors after my tummy operation in January) has given me the chance to chat more, and get some unrequested ‘feedback’ and observations from people I have met in the past. I remember being told many times that I was “lucky” to be a spanking model and I’m “living the dream”, and I always giggle to myself thinking that some people imagine it to be for me; spankings every day (which I used to have once), recognition wherever I go, living in two or three houses around the world, hopping on and off planes and photo shoots and interviews with the media! For some more established and full time working busy models some of that is probably true, but since I never considered myself a spanking model ‘A lister’ (if there is such a thing in the scene) it was or is never like that in my case, plus I ‘retired’ and came back less than a year ago and with all of the interruptions and illness I have hardly got going again. I have been in two films (one released, one yet to be) since my return and rejoined Twitter, which has helped me build a new audience and engage with contacts and friends of friends I want to see again at parties, so I have a good starting base again but there is so much more I want to do once lockdown is lifted. Most important though is that I am well enough, and two thirds into my full recovery I’m still not 100% sure I can do this at the level I want to.

As you may know, I act too, and to my surprise and bewilderement I had a ‘friend request’ from my ex boyfriend of 6 months in 2009, who has returned with a new ID and vigor to make new spanking friends. The last email I had from him was in 2014 and it was the usual vanilla birthday wishes and pretty much very little detail, which was the reason I cut and ran and felt in the dark, hidden away and a conveniently economically part of a bigger story 11 years ago that I never got to hear. I would rather be told someone is taken, poly, gay, a sub/switch or a serial playing hedonist from the start and then I can make my own mind up how much of my time I want to invest. If I were not so honest, loyal, caring, naïve and innocent perhaps and committed with people I fall for then I would not care or have any feelings and just stand around at every bus stop waiting for play partners. I have a thirst for knowledge and an inquisitive mind like a lawyer or detective, probably because I watch too much ‘Poirot’ and ‘Miss Marple’ and other cops and robbers shows on TV, so when someone out of the blue wants to “talk” again after 11 years the first thing I think of is motive. It turned out that he probably feels I’m a good reference to have as a friend because I’m Emma Bishop, which apparently means I have a good reputation and know lots of people in the scene to hook up with and am good to add as a friend in his profile. I’m actually happy to help spankos and new spanking models who ask me about photographer friends, or play partners, because I do the same and its all about being safe and helping each other in this small community. Anyway, any hopes I had of finally hearing what happened before and any kind of explanation and apology and rekindled friendship, evaporated when I was hearing ‘same ol’.

However, the most interesting thing I took out of out our email exchanges and subsequent face time was how he saw me as a performer and spanko. This is what I can use and work on and helps me understand my kink, why I react as I do and that I’m probably not crazy and YES it is everyone else that is more crazy that me tee hee! This was what he wrote that I liked:


“I think your acting and playing music come from the same place as your kink (he says putting his cod psychology hat on) – you’re drawn to what scares you and take strength from the nervous energy it brings. I remember talking on Skype before you did film shoots – you were a seething bag of neuroses – but afterwards you were like ‘no sweat; it was a piece of piss’. So you’re right – you’re not an exhibitionist in the narcissistic sense, but you do need to perform! How does that sound? No, I’m not stoned….”

Contrasted with that I was told by a scene contact, who became disgruntled but who I actually respect for his honesty, that there are things I need to address. I am more open than ever to listening. but as before, if I were to take every single person’s opinion of me then I would never have attempted to do any of the things I have in my life so far.

“Be honest with yourself Emma You are uncomfortable with your sexuality and need to accept this is the best or only way you get off.   Just the same as ME. OF COURSE acting is essential to bring it about but surely you don’t think you are acting when you actually reach orgasm later that day?
The acting is needed  as a means to an end.  Just as it is with me. You need to get to the stage of real honesty and be able to call a compatible partner and say….. I need a good painful punishment, can you come over here and see to my needs please ?
When you can do that, you will not need to refer to your acting ability. Role Play ( which we both enjoy) is only the BUS to make the journey on.  Sexual satisfaction when alone later is the real reason we get  on the bus. It gets us there better than anything else I know.
One of your ‘giveaways’  is when you repeat the information that you are an actor and are ONLY an actor.  Like it or not, you are a good actress and use it to get to where you want to be.  THAT IS WHEN YOU GET ON THE BUS.  With  ONLY ONE PARTNER, you would only need the car together.  For wider scope, the bus with more people is the answer. Face reality Emma, you have a kink you enjoy. You know others who have the same kink.  Get together and go in pursuit of what you want while you can. Spend  less time wrecking your own pleasure and put your irrational fears behind you” 

So, I saw some (but not all) of this as probably true and valid help, but once again it was from someone I have only met once and hardly know. What he and many people don’t realise is that TRUST is the hardest thing to give. I have had experiences of being too honest and open and taking huge leaps of faith, only to find the other person was clearly a player, or wanted to turn the arrangement into something more personal and sexual. Of course I want to ‘Get on the Bus’ as he put it, but I do not do that in role plays, because that crosses the line into potentially becoming highly sexual and about me. This is why myself and other professional models clearly have the message that we do not offer sexual services. I think it is wrong to bring my own needs and wants into a scene, but that does not mean I don’t want to in non professional scenes. Some fetish models do make it about them, they are open with their sexuality and I’m sure some would even negotiate the add on services when they are in the moment, but it’s not how I was brought up or am, so sue me if I’m old fashioned and too “nice”. I would never hit on anyone who is clearly unavailable, so I only feel safe and comfortable bringing my needs and sexuality into something with a boyfriend/girlfriend or at least potential a very close partner of some kind that wants to really get to know all of me and not just spanking me. I would rather go on a date for starters than have spanking play, I’m more vanilla and normal that I think people imagine.

I do not laundry air, and don’t think I am here as I NEVER mention anyone or elude to their identity, so I am only using these as illustrations of the things that help shape me and I take on board. I get so many views and opinions and try to cherry pick things I can use to help me grow and make me more self aware, so I’m actually thanking both of these people for bringing me back to reality. It seems nothing has changed in the scene in all the years I have been involved; people are people, bottoms are bottoms, opinions are opinions and it’s still a thrilling minefield!.

Here are some pictures of my bottom and me getting ready for post lockdown mischief and partying!

My ManyVids store is now open and I kicked off by uploading five of ‘The Trouble with Emma’ films that I managed to find and remaster. It was a laborious task and I broke all of my old behavior rules and totally burned myself out in two days to make it happen. But, it’s done, I have a starting point again for new videos I plan to make and I am brimming with ideas for my next roles. I’m also excited about how the internet has exploded since I was first in films, and I want to work with as many people as I can to make new films, directing, and any website and social media activities I can help with. It’s also my birthday today and Bishy Bosh Productions is open for business again! Come on in!

I was recently asked to write a story/testimonial using an experience I had with a leather paddle. This is my best effort for my school homework and I hope you like it!


That afternoon had been full of surprises, as Emma was trying to hold together a launch party that hadn’t exactly gone according to plan. She had been splitting her time between meet and greet, catering, improvising a presentation in the moment, and sulking in the corner on codeine to ease her pain and her disappointment that everything was going wrong. It had been a difficult time, not only had Emma tweaked her back and spent Christmas on painkillers, and then paid out a lot of money on physio, but she had left a job position she hated and was going into 2020 without any kind of plan.

She had split up from her scene parents who she hadn’t seen for months anyway since they had gone to their other home in the South of France for longer than usual, so she was undisciplined again and feeling in a total mess, which she has been ever since. But plans, safewords, and an easy life would be a pleasant bonus and a first, and that, .. is The Trouble with Emma.

Eventually Emma forgot about her ills and stopped feeling it was her against the world, as she was introduced to a nice lady by her friend. This lady happened to be a strict Disciplinarian and had just bought a very impressive looking leather paddle from a Gentleman who had been demonstrating his CP implements at the party.

The party clock was running down and Emma wanted some fun herself, so she did two things she had rarely done in her whole spanking life: She usually gets spanked by men but was about to be spanked by a woman, PLUS, she asked for a spanking! These things were as rare as unicorn poo to Emma but tonight she didn’t care. She had had a small glass of something to relax her and transport her from this latterly high horsed choosy princess, back to the risk taking Emma she had built her reputation on.

After a stern telling off and pretty long and stinging very hand spanking over the strict lady’s knee, Emma was told to get up and kneel on the settee for a few strokes of this new leather paddle. She caught a glimpse of its size and shine despite the low lights, and she could almost smell the finishing polish on the leather, in anticipation that it would very soon be cracking down upon her bare bottom.

As the lady made a point of saying she would be trying out her fabulous new toy, Emma positioned herself on the sofa with her bottom thrust out as she had once been trained to do. Being the first victim of a ‘Baker Dave Bottom Beater’ paddle gave Emma a sense of anticipation and challenge.

The sound of the party goers in the next room were a mild distraction, but she was soon back in the room with the first THWACK from the paddle. Emma pouted to herself “that wasn’t too bad” she thought, but knowing never to say that to a Disciplinarian for fear that it’s like a red rag to a bull! The next stroke was harder and the sound resonated around the room, as it landed at the heart of Emma’s peachy bottom and made her let out an “Owww”! Two more strokes followed in rapid fire succession, each harder than the previous. The strict lady had warmed up and meant business and so had her trusty new paddle as it cracked down fiercely on Emma’s now very red bottom. Emma’s winces turned to louder howls as she prepared for the final two, knowing she had met her match, a strict lady who knew exactly how to deal with a very naughty teenage type girl.

Emma had talked herself into a more severe spanking by telling lies to get her friend into trouble, and even though it was the holidays Emma felt like she was back in school again as she was told off by this stern maternal teacher type. She was beginning to think that being spanked by a woman was hurting much more than by a man, but maybe that’s because only a woman knows exactly how a young lady should act and behave and turn out, just like the expression “it takes one to know one”.

Emma breathed deeply, as a loud SLAP rang through the air. She cried out and actually began to gently sob which was rare, but this was new territory and she was not getting her own way and talking her way out if it. The final stroke was quick and very hard as Emma howled once again and wanted to clutch her sore bottom. Her Disciplinarian had finished and her new ‘bottom beater’ had done its work, leaving a deep red hue on Emma’s bottom.

Emma was told to get up, but as this was a party discipline play scene she had the benefit of a hug afterwards, but she knew inside that the actual discipline was real just like she was used to. She was told to apologise to her friend and uttered “Yes Miss”, knowing that she had also been taught some respect by her Disciplinarian of the day, and that she would report to her again if she was ever told to. The paddle also taught Emma to respect its power, as she sat on a sore bottom for the rest of the evening.

Emma was proud of herself that she had asked for a spanking, but was more surprised that she had the most amazing feelings and thoughts about female disciplinarians again, which took her straight back to her pre-scene curious time in Quirrenelle. It was like being back in school and spanked at home again.. ..but that’s another story!

Emma Bishop
Website : www.thetroublewithemma.com. Twitter : @troublewithemma

The Leather Paddle – Courtesy of https://www.bakerdavebottombeaters.com

Whilst I’m out of spanking action until around May, ironically I’m getting more messages that usual about sessions and I’ve had to cancel some things. It’s utterly angsty having to say “no”, and sit and watch all the fun from the sidelines like a crocked athlete 😦

This week I was invited to attend a school role play event coming up, but was asked not to tell the other pupils I was a ‘professional’ model. I said “No” and not just because I’m injured. As insurance in my reply I deliberately made sure I would not be booked by playing my Prima Donna card.

I’m not an exhibitionist and I’m more shy than people know in some group situations where people may still recognise me, so I can’t pretend and put the genie back in the bottle. I sometimes get embarrassed to be recognised even though it can be flattering, but not in vanillaland. Like at my unisex hair salon when I was busy as a model the first time around, where a guy in another chair told my hairdresser he ‘knew’ me and I was a “famous” spanking model. My (vanilla I think) hairdresser teases me to this day and always asks “have you been behaving yourself Emma? ” when I sit in the chair and look in the mirror at him coyly biting my bottom lip. Anyway, at this particular open school event I alluded to above I didn’t want to feel awkward if I became a distraction, so I declined in case I was. I doubt I would have been the centre of attention anyway, but I never want to risk being it.

In some scene open party events, and particularly at long-stay parties, I’m not that confident and sometimes hide in my room and don’t feel good enough to mingle and play publicly. I hate the thought I’m competing and being compared, and I go into a shell and get nervous about myself and how I look. It’s never about looks it’s about how I feel. I would feel the same about myself even if I was a Kardashian or looked like a zillion dollars. One day I don’t want to feel like that, but I don’t know how to get over self defeating and putting myself down. I used to be spanked for ‘self deprecation’ once and had it in my rules, but I don’t have any rules right now so the fight with myself goes on.

I’m not a big ‘player’ by nature so I’m not unhappy at all if I don’t get asked to play much, so I will just drink juice and socialise and I’m happy to catch up with friends. If I am asked to play and I have the right feeling and it’s in a corner or private-ish area somewhere then I often say “yes” or will play brat poker a bit to test their resolve :). If I say ‘No” I usually mean it, unless I lied to avoid stepping on anyone else’s toes. If I say “later”, “not now” or “maybe” then I mean “don’t ask me again I will find you if or when I want to play”. Take me to a bedroom though at a large party alone, or in a shared room with another girl who is also getting spanked the other side and I’m fine. I don’t know why I don’t do larger groups, I am just not as confident as I am when I’m going as ‘Emma Bishop, spanking model’, where I totally am on a high and feel I can do anything. I will dine or drink with anyone and can stand up and speak to big groups and do professional spanking parties well as a model, where I may be spanked in demos and by all the guests. I know I can look OK-ish and perform well and I will want to be the best I can be and I don’t care. I love that kind of stage and I feel relaxed and at home. But me as ‘me’ at a non professional party or event I’m involved with helping to organise, and I’m far more private and self conscious, because of all the things I have said before in other posts.

When someone has taken me to an open party before  and I’ve been in their care then I have felt normal, because I’m with an adult. I have felt good about myself and loved it, as I have been warned I will be spanked in front of other people if I misbehave, or sent to one of their friends, or spanked “just because”. That’s different though cos I felt safe and protected and I know I don’t have a say and I’d given my consent by being with them. If I just go with a friend and they clear off and leave me or ignore me for long periods then I will hide in the corner again and not play much.

In films and 121’s and at professional parties I always feel good enough. I go to all Girls schools events (in the US at parties) and it’s mixed teaching staff (although I don’t mind which gender the staff are, they are all my teachers). I am not a fan of mixed gender school events or BDSM, and I have my reasons, preferences, and right to exercise my personal choice just like anyone else. I have nothing against anybody’s leanings and motivations, I just know what makes me comfortable and what makes me embarrassed to have to watch if I don’t want to.

I always wanted to go to an all girls Grammar school like my Mother, but I couldn’t. I have gradually (to my surprise) recently looked back on and appreciated female teachers more as they were sometimes even stricter with me than men, but I never knew that then and thought too hard about it before. In fact one of my best adult school teachers was a lady who I had/still have complete respect for and the right amount of real tummy butterflies fear, that this 14 year old real me does, even if my own head was in a mess at that time. The subject of being spanked by females (which has not been very often) and how I feel now, and how curious I am about things I’m rubbish at expressing I may write more in another post sometime and even talk about my time in virtual Aristasia.

My Disciplinarians and relationships have been with men 95% of the time as I’m wired that way and get those feels, but now I am not 100% sure because there may be barriers in my head and I don’t know why. Some experiences I had in the past I didn’t expect or want to have when I was already in a M/F D/s relationship, so I freaked out at myself and may have been in denial a bit, when I might have actually had the time and experience of my life. I remember being on an amazing high once after being spanked for two hours by a switchy female friend at a party, but then running for the hills the next day, crying and crashing out of the scene for ages and beating myself up with confusion because I had feelings for her.

To end where I started this post, I just wish that sometimes people will get that I’m not mercenary as a model, and the reason I may do any of this professionally is not what they expect. The reason why I do all of this personally is the reason I feel most alive.

My blog this time is a mixed bag. I will bullet point a few things without the gory details as it’s been a scary difficult time, but I have hopes I can be totally fixed soon for the first time in two years. 

  • I was taken to hospital and they found I had a small bowel obstruction. I was in for 8 days and had an operation and it’s all OK now but I have a scar to heal. I can’t be across anyone’s knee for 3 to 4 months which will take me up to May/June, just in time for summer and the party season, although I may not be able to attend for other reasons. I’ve had to let people know who wanted a session with me that I’m out of the scene for a while, but that side of my life is well in the back of my mind. Being in hospital made me think a lot about my entire life, so I will decide on what I want to do when I am better.
  • Alongside this I’ve had a problem with fatigue and neurological problems for 2 years. I’ve seen lots of Doctors and finally they have sent me for more blood tests, rather then looking into my eyes and asking me to balance on one leg, which is all normal, so hopefully they can find out what the underlying problem is. I’ve had it since I went to the jungle near Cancun in December 2017. It may be a coincidence but I got bitten by bugs and may have caught a bacterial infection, in which case it can perhaps be cured by antibiotics. I hope it is something like that and nothing more worrying, but right now I’m waiting for news and trying not to worry.

On reading.. 

I’ve never been a good reader unless there is a purpose or reason for it. I was asked if I’d read Niki Flynn’s ‘Dances with Werewolves’ book and it prompted me to write a long reply, but reading is such a big bug bear for me that there was enough for a whole blog post!. I downloaded ‘Dances with Werewolves’ a while ago but I’m a terrible reader and started the first chapters and never finished. I skipped through and got the gist, but if I have hours to read it means hours of not doing the zillion other things like playing piano and guitar and writing songs so I give up. I am rubbish at keeping to a timed schedule on my own and get distracted too much, story of my life! An Uncle did make me read a book once (‘Tess of the Durbervilles’ ) and I loved it. I cried in the final chapter, but I needed the threat of the cane to read it during my visits to him. I did read Madonna’s life story on a flight to Australia but that was relevant, and i was trapped on a plane!

I’m still reading ‘A Lesson in Secrets’ by Jacqueline Winspear but as I’m also an actress I like to read it aloud and play all the characters. Michael used to do that with me when I was learning lines for Theatre and auditions and it was fun. If it was a comedy and I corpsed (as he called it) I got the cane! I’m pursuing my so many things right now all in the ‘entertainment’ field so reading for fun in spare time is almost impossible. I did listen to the audio book of Keith Richards ‘Life’ when I had laser eye surgery two years ago and was staying in London and had to rest my eyes. That was amazing, and what a life and interesting man, but perhaps it was because it was music and real life that I could relate to again and use as inspiration? I like to read factual things so I spend hours on Google and Wiki, and watch historical documentaries. I’ve always been a girl who wants it all now and quick, so I will choose to watch the film every time, rather than trawling through a book and being bored. The only exception to that was Ishiguro’s ‘Never let me Go’ where I read the book first (under the threat of spankings again) and enjoyed it more than the film.

I was the same at school, sometimes I wanted to fast forward the teachers and get to the point of it all and how I could use it in real life. I was sent out of the class a few times for giggling and not paying attention, plus I was bullied so I couldn’t wait to leave. When I left school I chose what I wanted to learn, and although I did it the long way and spent evenings in further education I ended up with some great qualifications. I have to get something tangible out of activities that I can use to take me forward, or at least the potential for it or I don’t do it. That’s how I lead my life. Oops, I’m giving away a few secrets!

Spanking is the same. Unless I’m doing professional work there has to be a purpose. It has to go somewhere or take me somewhere where I can soak it up like a sponge and use it, so ‘play’ is not something I’m used to if it goes nowhere so it’s a bit like reading. I’m an ENTJ (Myers Briggs personality type) but that’s another story. However it might explain why I’m driven by results and need results and a sense of achievement, rather than caring about my feelings. I have grown to learn that sometimes I have not behaved too well with hurting other people’s feelings. I expect adults to be strong and have all the answers, and not weak and sensitive. But the world has changed so I’ve realised I need to allow for people that are. I have the same issue with Switches, I never got the theory before that you can be a bit of both D and s, but I’ve learned to be more understanding and accepting. I have let a few Switches spank me for fun, probably because I know its safe and goes nowhere, because I will never spank anyone so I won’t be enough for them. I’ve made some lovely friends and its made me a better person by knowing them and I’m happy to hear they have fun and get what they need.

I have only met a few people who can handle how complex I am, discipline me, and teach me things to match my sense of adventure, but can also slow me down and keep me grounded and healthy. That takes someone special and I was lucky enough to have a mentor who I was with for years, until I wanted more. He was a teacher and academic and we met by chance. He was an expert disciplinarian and not even in the ‘scene’ so he wasn’t going round offering services to other girls, he was just there for me and devoted hours to managing my development. I was like a very young girl then, and didn’t realise how lucky I was until I joined the scene. Then I saw how different that was and more of a scene playing game to most people with rules and discussions, and not real domestic discipline what I was brought up with when I was with him. Discipline went somewhere and I learned and grew, play doesn’t take me anywhere. The problem I have is I couldn’t compartmentalise like him and most Mentor/Disciplinarian adults can in the scene, because my brain is not mature enough. I won’t put any kind of fence or limits around my authentic self and my emotions and feelings once I’m in and I can’t lie and put up with situations that don’t make me happy. Isn’t that the same as any typical teenager?

My teenage self wants to do it all, but life is short and the scene is a minefield so I don’t have time to suffer fools or waste my time on things that go nowhere. I was the same at school, I liked practical things like art, cooking, drama and music. If someone can show me how reading fiction or spanking play can take me somewhere, or how to temper my enthusiasm with results, and also love me and nurture me to be my best for them and myself, then I may listen and want to learn and stay for the long haul 😊 

Bishy’s blog today comes from hospital. I’ve had what my GP thought was gastro enteritis since Friday with tummy ache and vomiting. In fact my last meal was Friday so as I write I’ve had no food in a week and very little liquid. As you can see my face is gaunt and I’ve lost a lot of weight but I will keep fighting to get through this.

It became more worrying in the early hours of Monday this week when I was coughing up horrid stuff. First thing Tuesday morning my GP had read my messages, seen the uploaded photos from me and sent me to hospital in an ambulance.

Tuesday night I was having surgery on an obstruction in my small bowel. Luckily they did not have to remove anything but just untangle it but it means I have very large scar in my lower abdomen below my belly bottom…which of course means no going over anyone’s knee for probably lots of months. I’ve not looked into the cause of this but who’s to say it wasn’t spanking related.

I’m hoping to sit up in a chair today but until I can start eating again I will be here, probably a few more days. I can only have clear liquids today and my tummy is hard and bloated in shock after surgery. Had a warm cup of black tea with sugar and it was heaven, times like this make you appreciate. I have a tube inside my body to feed me some nutrients that can be used if needed when I’m discharged.

I’ve been scared as hell but it’s all a day at a time stuff and new territory for me. Nothing matters more than my health for a while, and my US trips feel a long way away right now, but I will survive