My ManyVids store is now open and I kicked off by uploading five of ‘The Trouble with Emma’ films that I managed to find and remaster. It was a laborious task and I broke all of my old behavior rules and totally burned myself out in two days to make it happen. But, it’s done, I have a starting point again for new videos I plan to make and I am brimming with ideas for my next roles. I’m also excited about how the internet has exploded since I was first in films, and I want to work with as many people as I can to make new films, directing, and any website and social media activities I can help with. It’s also my birthday today and Bishy Bosh Productions is open for business again! Come on in!
Today I had a late night detention with a US friend in London. I remember a hairbrush, strap and lots of spanking going on! It was a mad dash down on the train and I got the last train home.. but with a sore bottom!
I am loving being back today as a spanking model and uploading some back catalog images on my other profile [https://fetlife.com/users/9830524]. There will be lots of new stuff soon and I will set up some shoots. i will blog again too once I get up and running. I said I quit in that post almost a year ago, but I’ve had so many people telling me it was too early as I have so many ideas and things to do,
Anyway, I was thinking I would love to be in another film or long role play again. Maybe as the new school secretary, who lied on her CV. Something like..she truanted a whole school year to party abroad on cruises with her rich parent’s and their friends. Her CV is now security checked and she has to confess or be reported to the authorities for giving false information. Her punishment is that she has to go back to finish schooling in this school for a whole year, and to live with and be the ward of the Headmaster. He has to make sure she is disciplined at home too. So ermm..she is in uniform at school and at home, and he chooses a new teenage wardrobe of short skirts and flat shoes for her when she goes out with her new family.
I think this would suit me because I could just be myself all the time, but act older as the snobby school Secretary to start with. I hope I get to do this and some films again, my mind is racing!!
I have decided finally, to quit as a spanking model. I have had such a good time and many happy returns, but I am ready to close this final professional chapter to get on with the rest of my life now and find what I really want and be happy. It’s been a gas, it’s been a ball but I no longer want to run away back to it, and hide away every time I need a crutch to make me feel special and wanted again. That was artificial, my life and what I think of myself is worth much more than that. I should be proud enough to say “I did it all”, but I am just happy enough now to say the actress has left the theatre and the show will go on. My work will always be out there and I will secretly always smile to myself 🙂
ps: I am not leaving Fetlife or turning vanilla (that will never happen unless my mind and body shuts down), I’m just going back to being a regular teenager again 🙂
Yesterday I reported to Mr W, in an accountability session; where I had a list of things that I had not met and was to be punished for according to the enforcement of rules I have for myself. One of the things I did lately was a repeat offence. I have done the same thing twice since 2012 and been punished for it both times, yet I still find it hard to stay within the lines that are there for my own protection.
The thing I was punished for was that the other day I played with someone at a level way beyond what I had in my own safe rules. I cried for ages about it afterwards at home as I let myself down and put myself out of action with a cut and some marks. I cried before I was spanked just from being told off, and after a pretty firm but not too hard spanking by his standards I ran off his lap and fell to the floor and was crying on the floor, before I finally sat up and he gave me a hug. I carried on crying, I really could not stop myself but he spoke and got my attention and wanted to capture how I was in some photos. He was shocked and he saw me at my most vulnerable. I rarely post pictures of me at my worst and although the lighting is bad, the tears were falling down my face.
I also had other spankings and a dose of the shoe horn and some leather paddles for procrastinating and not practising my piano lessons. It is not long or heavy, but still was enough to sting and make me think, after I was once again left with a sore bottom and some emotional ‘corner’ and thinking time about my behaviour.
I had a serious meeting with the Headmaster last week, which was pretty sinister and dark in places but ended up with traditional methods. I enjoyed it more than I thought at the time and it made me glad I am able to be free enough to experiment and strong enough to take more than I had anticipated. I have limits like every other submissive and different things I would do in an ongoing personal D/D relationship as opposed to ‘play’, but every now and then I just want to go in the moment and take it as it comes, it is like cleansing myself. I guess that makes me a masochist more than I thought I was, but it is rare I play this hard for fun, I had many tears and there were a lot of new things. I am a trained role playing actress but sometimes I will be my own stunt woman and explore…If you are new to “Fifty shades” don’t try this at home :)!
He wrote in my End of Term Report:
“A pupil who has made a most promising start! She plays her part in the school lively and judicious fashion.
The mature and womanly way in which she accepts and co-operates in her punishments makes it a pleasure to administer them. She earned particular merit by volunteering to take the birch. She does appear to still have difficulty with certain of the standard punishments which she found painfully intense, but she showed herself reconciled and the emotions of those moments are an effective and essential part of her education. Remember it is not about your liking it Emma, and remember the School motto – “Painless is Pointless”! Take satisfaction in having won some little battles against your weaker self”
Today I went to see an old friend Ian, the London Tanner. I first knew Ian when he was living in America and I was getting well known as a spanking model. One of my friends was visiting the US and brought me back a personal gift from Ian around 2005, a black leather nursery strap that I still have. I met Ian at parties, and was also friends with his lovely partner Jo, and as the scene is quite small we all have mutual friends.
Today I went to see Ian at home as he lives nearby, and had a tour of his famous London Tanners workshop and saw the implements being made. We talked a lot about acting as Ian was an actor too, and he showed me his old photos and some press cuttings
Of course no visit would be complete without a spanking, so I was over his knee being spanked with his hard hand from years of fine craftsmanship, and then had a long strapping with a well-worn razor strop. Finally I had 12 strokes of the cane with two of his personal favourite canes. It was a visit and memory to remember and I was feeling like a very lucky girl to be invited.
Today was my re-debut after two months healing and getting myself fit again. I have changed my diet completely and worked hard on my total fitness workouts too. It has been a hard time abstaining from spanking but in many ways good for me to take a step back and recharge. I was completely exhausted even up until a week ago and had a couple of days in bed last week but now I feel fresh again. I am grateful to the lovely people in my life for making me feel so good about myself and for getting me back into a nice routine that suits me. I am looking forward to going to Australia in October and having a wonderful time and making new friends.
In my session today with ‘Mr Mike’ it was fun, relaxed and at a nice sensible level. I took a lot of spanking, slippering , paddling and some of the cane at a pretty moderate ‘return to action’ level so it was good workout and I am feeling tingly right now in a nice way. I was a secretary in one scene and a Nurse (American outfit) in another. I wore a plaster (which I hate, but is clear and feels like skin) to protect the just about mended hole in my bottom. It needs a few more months for the skin in that area to change colour back to normal from when I was injured but it fine now to gradually play on again. Also, with all the ridiculous high impact play I have taken over such a long time my skin colour generally is darker there so I hope now I am not doing much and being sensible with lots of creams and rest it will go back to perfection again in a while. I have hated looking in the mirror and seeing my dull dark mess of a bottom and hope my experience is advice to others to use lots of cream and have breaks sometimes. After all I am a person and I matter, I know that more now.
Here are some photos, seeing as I have let my lovely readers wait so long . The picture at the top was taken this morning before my session which I was looking forward to and enjoyed.
I posted a long rambling post in here a few days ago “Princess emma, finding my way back to me” and have since decided that it was wrong, self-indulgent and has little to do with my work as a spanking model, so I have shelved it and removed it. It is true I am (hopefully) a few weeks away from being available to play again, and I looked at my injury again this morning and just burst into tears that its still there and healing too slow. But that really is my own problem and you my lovely friends and readers I’m sure don’t need to know about that. I won’t apologise for my ups and downs, it’s how I am and part of being what I am as a submissive but my mood swings I have decided to bite my bottom lip on now and keep well away from my blog. I may have become ‘princess emma’ in my relationship which I announced on another website, but I am still Emma Bishop and am not going to change any of that until I have had time to think about what I want to do in the future. I wish I could be out there playing right now, I am so down over all this and have cancelled so many play dates the past five weeks that it is hurting me now and I feel that I need to try and take my mind off of spanking and find something else to do until I’m ready to be spanked again.
Here are some pictures below taken three months ago to cheer me (and you hopefully) up! I will be back, better and fitter as long as that takes and can’t image never being spanked again even though right now it feels like I won’t, but when I am ready my first time will be feel strange and unlike anything I’ve ever down before, because this time-out hurts the most and I will never again take it all for granted. Thank you for your patience, and putting up with my flakiness and tantrums. I will be back in school a soon as I can 😦
So…its like hmmm 10.27pm and I’m starting writing to you literally off the top of my very tired head, but I have been so busy and built in additional procrastination, that every time I wanted to write a blog post my quill dried up and I scrapped it after the first line as it didn’t sound interesting to me. Now I will just go for it, pick up my content notes, cutting and pasting where I can and scribble away! I’ve had four 2am bedtimes in a row this week as I’ve been really busy on and off for five months recording new songs for my first album (I think I mentioned I dabble in being a bedroom based musician/songwriter and bad singer?) so I want to get to bed before midnight tonight if I can. I used to write my blogs in freefall but now I’m tongue tied and go off at tangents and keep censoring myself because of who may think what and if it’s about them, so I really need to see if I can write this and not care anymore..anyway…
Lately I’ve been embracing Emma Bishop again. But what does that mean, I am Emma Bishop? Well it means being busy again in this part of my life and enjoying being a part of forums and making new friends again like I did before. Whether I like it or not and I am entrenched in that image, and as I was recently reminded about I’ve been immortalised as a caricature forever by David Ell in his cartoon series: (see images below)
… so I guess I must have been geeky enough at some stage in this career and probably still am so why fight it? Even though I have other strings to my media arts bow why not just be and enjoy this too? I can do it all I think as long as I keep all of my ID’s apart and don’t blog about being spanked in Facebook or give a powerpoint presentation showing my best assets at the staff annual dinner! I’m not alone in this cyber jungle and know how dangerous it is with snoopers everywhere, whether they be bosses, trolls, stalkers, or rivals in some warped way but I realise there is a thin line between being honest and open enough to not care what anyone thinks and being suicidally blase and reckless if other people can get dragged in too.
I wrote a post in Fetlife the other day about ‘Friends’ and what they mean to me in social media sites and why I don’t collect them. It is mainly because I have been a victim of being too open and trusting before that I have learned some hard lessons about what I now call a ‘Friend’. It doesn’t mean I have to know every single friend personally in real life but at the very least I like to be able to gauge something about who they are and how they think from their profile/likes or if they have courteously messaged me introducing themselves. I freely admit that by now and with experience to back this up, I am not inclined to add people if I am unlikely to indulge their interests or their interest in wanting to add me, so broadly I am unlikely to have anything much to say to male subs, guys openly displaying their genitalia in pictures or those with heavy BDSM Master/Slave inclinations. I do have friends who Switch but I have said all I want to on that now suffice to say I am really only inclined to converse with them when they have a Dom hat on, otherwise I find I get really embarrassed and I’m not comfortable talking about what they do as a sub after they have just said they want to spank me. I am a girl who is a hard wired spanko and being spanked is what interests me, simples…nuff said!
I got asked the other day if I like girls and if I like being spanked by them, or am attracted to them, because if spanking is not sexual to me then why does it matter? I have answered this in an interview as best I could without giving away what is or isn’t sexual for me because it’s a no win. If I say “spanking turns me on” then I have had spankers asking me before if I’m wet and aroused and I find that very awkward as it crosses a line for me if I have no other relationship with the person asking me that. Maybe I’m afraid I will give a wrong signal that may be acted upon innocently by the other person and then find myself having to justify what I really meant. Yes I have had this situation before where I was too honest about what I was enjoying and I got it wrong and wanted the ground to open up so I am more careful now, which in some ways means I am more tense and less relaxed but it has to be that way until such time something exceptional happens to make me change my mind like it would on any vanilla ‘date’ and I can say what I really want and enjoy. The Atomic Kitten song “Whole Again” resonates because feeling whole means I am giving myself up and sharing something I also think is so special I want it to matter, but if I do that and the other person is playing casual mind fuck games with me then its risky territory, as after all people have their own personal boundaries and beliefs that I always respect too.
The truth is I used to hate sex all my life, and spanking was always the only thing that turned me on inside, but something happened to me last year that changed everything and now I feel more at ease with myself because of it. I had vanilla sex on holiday when I was having a great time and with someone I totally had the hots for as soon as we met and it turned out it was mutual, and I was comfortable with him so I came back feeling happy and confident and pleased with myself that I had got rid of a big emotional block in my head. However, I am hugely immature and I stupidly glowed and showed off about it and made a fool of myself like I was in the playground, but to me it was about feeling “whole again”for the first time and it was like losing my real virginity because I no longer felt all wrong, dirty and worthless, but wanted and enjoyed . Of course I have had a few sexual experiences (but not many, abstinence was easier) but I did not really enjoy them and didn’t feel comfortable with the other person in the way I wanted to, or myself, even though I have had some lovely boyfriends and spanking partners in the past few years who I know cared about me and I shared some good sexual fun with very few but only since I felt right about me too. I always felt there was something wrong with me having sex, but now I know there is not at all and it was all in my head. Now when I am being spanked it feels easier to let myself be turned on, but only if I have some kind of chemistry with someone can I still to allow myself to show that, if that makes sense, although I am still always afraid that if I do say too much and the other person doesn’t feel the same way and then I make a fool of myself. I don’t want to let go with anybody I don’t feel right with, or it is wrong to do so because it won’t go anywhere because of circumstance, so of course its easier to keep it to myself anyway until I ever do again.
What I will always say though in any session with anybody is that if I enjoyed what we did I always glow and will say so, I just won’t go into specific personal details about how it affected me unless it is in a warranted situation if that makes sense? I am still vulnerable and scared and need hugs, strong arms and warm words to help me feel safe, but my play motto is just to “stay safe, play safe and have fun” without taking it too seriously, because it keeps me on track and I don’t have to risk anything. I would love to belong and feel wanted and be everyone’s favorite friend or flavour, but I know its safer for me to keep to myself and not have to explain or justify my complex self and feel second class to anyone anymore. I know I am fine, I always knew, that so now I will be fine. I’m tired of being asked about the sex and spanking question for years and about sexuality, and being delved into and dissected by people I hardly know, like I owe it to them to explain myself at all when for all I know they could have all kinds or nasty backgrounds and secret pasts and I often think “who are you anyway?”, and I have to tip-toe around with my reply. Until now I didn’t have an answer so I hope this will say everything now, and if there is anything else I will only ever say it when it matters to people who matter to me in a way I can trust….moving on, i’m done now.
Coming back to female spankers though, I’m not attracted to girls but I like or love them as friends, so being spanked by a girl does not feel the same to me. I have had very few liaisons and close encounters with girls before but they never felt right and I was acting it all out but inside feeling messed up and wanting to run away and never go near anybody ever again of either gender, I just never had sex at all with anyone for most of my life, I couldn’t. That said, I can name one or two women I have totally respected as Dommes and it is because they were in positions of role play authority that I was able to power exchange my submissiveness to them, but it is very rare. I did not find it sexual or indulge myself (which I know people may think is a contradiction as maybe I should be more relaxed with another girl and be able to think only of myself safely) but I still felt inhibited about crossing the ‘spanking and sexual’ line because to me once I show any sort of sexual desire or interest in a scene then I have no way back from that. Maybe I am secretly hoping someone will tell me one day its OK to relax and take out something for me too but I am scared to and most times just go all out to meet their needs. A lot of people I’ve played with don’t have to meet any of my needs anyway as in a professional session it is not for me anyway which is fine, so maybe I have just got so used to that and now its a safety mechanism. So, girls who Domme or Switch are very safe, I have no interest in ever asking a girl to spank me at all but hugs and friendly kisses are fine :)!
Anyway, I had some good sessions with recent friends since I last wrote and in one I put my WRAF uniform on (real one) and had a really fun scene where neither of us knew what the rank names were so we both agreed I was demoted from a Corporal to a Sergeant! Either way I was really pleased I managed to take a lot of strokes with a wide wooden paddle I have as well as some rapid caning, and guess what, once again my bottom went red very quickly again. I also did a great scene recently where I was a housewife disobeying her husband and not wearing the right clothes, so I had to change into my seamed stockings and shortest skirt, kneel before him and hold out canes and give thanks…so it was very DD but with a lot of control and humiliation and took me into some new positions and situations. Here are some pictures to end on as I have rambled a lot tonight and want to save time to upload pictures and post before midnight!