emma_flagHeyyyy! I haven’t blogged for a while so just as it comes I will write about my forthcoming trip to the US to attend ‘Boardwalk Badness Weekend’ in Atlantic City in 5 days!! On a whim, I decided to go because a) I usually have a holiday somewhere hot at this time of year and it will be warmer than here, and b) For the past four months I have been cooped up recording my music album and recovering from illness related scares that could have been worse but thankfully I got the all clear on…so I deserve some fun and nothing is going to spoil that, that was/is the plan. However, last Sunday I stupidly did sit-ups before bed having already worked out for an hour and gone running and I pulled a nerve muscle in my back. So now i’ve been on pain killers and am trying to get fit for the event. Thankfully today is better and I walked three miles fine so I am pretty certain I will be OK in a day or two phew!
This photo (left) is an early modeling pic when I joined the scene as a spanking model back in the day (late 2006). As I am attending a ‘Meet the Brits’ event out there this seems  appropriate as a flag flyer. I was ‘The UK Brit Brat’ at that time and for a few years afterwards/still am :)! Photo by Roy T (thanks!) but I cut my friend out who shot with me as she is doing other things now 🙂

I had some great spanking sessions recently and in my last one took around 36 with the cane, pretty hard, some full force and it was a great workout as I’d been slowly building up again after my injury last year and four months of pitter-pattering around it. The best thing about it was that my spanker had created a system where within the role play I had the chance to have a say in how much I wanted of each implement. As it was role play that was fine, although in real life spanking I never have or want any kind of say in that, it is not my place and once I give control at the start of any relationship it stays there. In role play, professionally or otherwise, I think there has to be a more gradual consent as you get to know someone and can agree limits. I usually expect the spanker to gauge that from my reactions but every now and again, I will say something maybe a hint and hope they get it and re-adjust. As I am not in a spanking real life relationship at the moment then things are controlled a lot more and although it is not what I am used to, it is sensible and nobody gets too deeply into it. I’m finding lots more fun and games in spanking play too so even going to a party is fun again for now. I am very much on the edge emotionally a lot anyway and hang on to my emotions and bottle a lot up so I am wary of sharing that unless it feels right and is in a situation where there may be some futurology. I have deliberately shied away from seeking disciplinary spankings even when I have needed them and known I have screwed up and misbehaved badly, because I know myself I am only capable of giving myself fully to them if I have already bought into and agreed a whole arrangement. I have had one-offs where I’ve been spanked on the spot and cried my eyes out and often wish I could do that more, but for the most part that takes a huge amount of trust from me to give myself to that so I rarely let myself enter into that, even if inside I know I need it and was bought up on regular sore bottoms from my former Mentor. Its a battle with myself and also because I am very feminine and old fashioned and never ask for anything, it is never my place to, so unless I am told then and just taken in hand by someone things won’t happen. Of course I have to want to be told by that particular person at that time, so its a big call and the other person has to be very determined and strong with me or I will just get my own way and talk my way out of it.

I am finding I like leather a lot more than wood right now but its only because I gave up taking wood for a while and got more used to the feel of spanking and straps again so now wood feels a little alien. I forgot the sensation but after my session on Tuesday it is coming back again and I still like it but have to grit my teeth a little more than I did before. At one time I could take 100 strokes but now I am wary of getting cut and being out of action for a while so I am more sensible. It is all in my control and although I hate that in some ways, it keeps me doing more things more often right now. I have a few sessions booked for when I come back from the US so I hope I will be back to normal with all the potential activity out there. I have a really good Quality Control leather paddle and always include it in the implements people can use in a session because it has a certain sting and spread to it that I like. Of course if it were used in a disciplinary at a higher level I am likely to hate it, but the sensation from leather feels a lot better than it used to when I just saw it as another implement and could not distinguish the feel of it so much, as I had been having too many years of severe impact play that blurred my fun and experience,

I am having dialogue with a few Americans online and in the forum group for the party but am finding there is a big difference and misunderstanding in humour sometimes, so when I am (maybe) deliberately bratting or teasing someone they sometimes think I am complaining or saying I’m not happy with something or don’t want something, so in the end I just politely leave it there. I am very much a face to face person and often someone can look at me a certain way and I know what they mean and my reaction gives me a way too. So I hope I can learn the spanking party language over there and not give anyone the impression than I am any sort of stuck up aloof Brit! In fact I was the unofficial “UK Brit Brat” for a few years and did a shoot with the Union Jack as a backdrop which helped me on my way to more work and spanking ‘fame’ so at last I am getting to walk the walk and be the brat all over again!

So…its like hmmm 10.27pm and I’m starting writing to you literally off the top of my very tired head, but I have been so busy and built in additional procrastination, that every time I wanted to write a blog post my quill dried up and I scrapped it after the first line as it didn’t sound interesting to me. Now I will just go for it, pick up my content notes, cutting and pasting where I can and scribble away! I’ve had four 2am bedtimes in a row this week as I’ve been really busy on and off for five months recording new songs for my first album (I think I mentioned I dabble in being a bedroom based musician/songwriter and bad singer?) so I want to get to bed before midnight tonight if I can. I used to write my blogs in freefall but now I’m tongue tied and go off at tangents and keep censoring myself because of who may think what and if it’s about them, so I really need to see if I can write this and not care anymore..anyway…

Lately I’ve been embracing Emma Bishop again. But what does that mean, I am Emma Bishop? Well it means being busy again in this part of my life and enjoying being a part of forums and making new friends again like I did before. Whether I like it or not and I am entrenched in that image, and as I was recently reminded about I’ve been immortalised as a caricature forever by David Ell in his cartoon series: (see images below)

… so I guess I must have been geeky enough at some stage in this career and probably still am so why fight it? Even though I have other strings to my media arts bow why not just be and enjoy this too? I can do it all I think as long as I keep all of my ID’s apart and don’t blog about being spanked in Facebook or give a powerpoint presentation showing my best assets at the staff annual dinner! I’m not alone in this cyber jungle and know how dangerous it is with snoopers everywhere, whether they be bosses, trolls, stalkers, or rivals in some warped way but I realise there is a thin line between being honest and open enough to not care what anyone thinks and being suicidally blase and reckless if other people can get dragged in too.

I wrote a post in Fetlife the other day about ‘Friends’ and what they mean to me in social media sites and why I don’t collect them. It is mainly because I have been a victim of being too open and trusting before that I have learned some hard lessons about what I now call a ‘Friend’. It doesn’t mean I have to know every single friend personally in real life but at the very least I like to be able to gauge something about who they are and how they think from their profile/likes or if they have courteously messaged me introducing themselves. I freely admit that by now and with experience to back this up, I am not inclined to add people if I am unlikely to indulge their interests or their interest in wanting to add me, so broadly I am unlikely to have anything much to say to male subs, guys openly displaying their genitalia in pictures or those with heavy BDSM Master/Slave inclinations. I do have friends who Switch but I have said all I want to on that now suffice to say I am really only inclined to converse with them when they have a Dom hat on, otherwise I find I get really embarrassed and I’m not comfortable talking about what they do as a sub after they have just said they want to spank me. I am a girl who is a hard wired spanko and being spanked is what interests me, simples…nuff said!

I got asked the other day if I like girls and if I like being spanked by them, or am attracted to them, because if spanking is not sexual to me then why does it matter? I have answered this in an interview as best I could without giving away what is or isn’t sexual for me because it’s a no win. If I say “spanking turns me on” then I have had spankers asking me before  if I’m wet and aroused and I find that very awkward as it crosses a line for me if I have no other relationship with the person asking me that. Maybe I’m afraid I will give a wrong signal that may be acted upon innocently by the other person and then find myself having to justify what I really meant. Yes I have had this situation before where I was too honest about what I was enjoying and I got it wrong and wanted the ground to open up so I am more careful now, which in some ways means I am more tense and less relaxed but it has to be that way until such time something exceptional happens to make me change my mind like it would on any vanilla ‘date’ and I can say what I really want and enjoy. The Atomic Kitten song “Whole Again” resonates because feeling whole means I am giving myself up and sharing something I also think is so special I want it to matter, but if I do that and the other person is playing casual mind fuck games with me then its risky territory,  as after all people have their own personal boundaries and beliefs that I always respect too.

The truth is I used to hate sex all my life, and spanking was always the only thing that turned me on inside, but something happened to me last year that changed everything and now I feel more at ease with myself because of it. I had vanilla sex on holiday when I was having a great time and with someone I totally had the hots for as soon as we met and it turned out it was mutual, and I was comfortable with him so I came back feeling happy and confident and pleased with myself that I had got rid of a big emotional block in my head. However, I am hugely immature and I stupidly glowed and showed off about it and made a  fool of myself like I was in the playground, but to me it was about feeling “whole again”for the first time and it was like losing my real virginity because I no longer felt all wrong, dirty and worthless, but wanted and enjoyed . Of course I have had a few sexual experiences (but not many, abstinence was easier)  but I did not really enjoy them and didn’t feel comfortable with the other person in the way I wanted to, or myself, even though I have had some lovely boyfriends and spanking partners in the past few years who I know cared about me and I shared some good sexual fun with very few but only since I felt right about me too. I always felt there was something wrong with me having sex, but now I know there is not at all and it was all in my head. Now when I am being spanked it feels easier to let myself be turned on, but only if I have some kind of chemistry with someone can I still to allow myself to show that, if that makes sense, although I am still always afraid that if I do say too much and the other person doesn’t feel the same way and then I make a fool of myself. I don’t want to let go with anybody I don’t feel right with, or it is wrong to do so because it won’t go anywhere because of circumstance, so of course its easier to keep it to myself anyway until I ever do again.

What I will always say though in any session with anybody is that if I enjoyed what we did I always glow and will say so, I just won’t go into specific personal details about how it affected me unless it is in a warranted situation if that makes sense? I am still vulnerable and scared and need hugs, strong arms and warm words to help me feel safe, but my play motto is just to “stay safe, play safe and have fun” without taking it too seriously, because it keeps me on track and I don’t have to risk anything. I would love to belong and feel wanted and be everyone’s favorite friend or flavour, but I know its safer for me to keep to myself and not have to explain or justify my complex self and feel second class to anyone anymore. I know I am fine, I always knew, that so now I will be fine. I’m tired of being asked about the sex and spanking question for years and about sexuality, and being delved into and dissected by people I hardly know, like I owe it to them to explain myself at all when for all I know they could have all kinds or nasty backgrounds and secret pasts and I often think “who are you anyway?”, and I have to tip-toe around with my reply. Until now I didn’t have an answer so I hope this will say everything now, and if there is anything else I will only ever say it when it matters to people who matter to me in a way I can trust….moving on, i’m done now.

Coming back to female spankers though, I’m not attracted to  girls but I like or love them as friends, so being spanked by a girl does not feel the same to me. I have had very few liaisons and close encounters with girls before but they never felt right and I was acting it all out but inside feeling messed up and wanting to run away and never go near anybody ever again of either gender, I just never had sex at all with anyone for most of my life, I couldn’t. That said, I can name one or two women I have totally respected as Dommes and it is because they were in positions of role play authority that I was able to power exchange my submissiveness to them, but it is very rare. I did not find it sexual or indulge myself (which I know people may think is a contradiction as maybe I should be more relaxed with another girl and be able to think only of myself safely) but I still felt inhibited about crossing the ‘spanking and sexual’ line because to me once I show any sort of sexual desire or interest in a scene then I have no way back from that. Maybe I am secretly hoping someone will tell me one day its OK to relax and take out something for me too but I am scared to and most times just go all out to meet their needs. A lot of people I’ve played with don’t have to meet any of my needs anyway as in a professional session it is not for me anyway which is fine, so maybe I have just got so used to that and now its a safety mechanism.  So, girls who Domme or Switch are very safe, I have no interest in ever asking a girl to spank me at all but hugs and friendly kisses are fine :)!

Anyway, I had some good sessions with recent friends since I last wrote and in one I put my WRAF uniform on (real one) and had a really fun scene where neither of us knew what the rank names were so we both agreed I was demoted from a Corporal to a Sergeant! Either way I was really pleased I managed to take a lot of strokes with a wide wooden paddle I have as well as some rapid caning, and guess what, once again my bottom went red very quickly again. I also did a great scene recently where I was a housewife disobeying her husband and not wearing the right clothes, so I had to change into my seamed stockings and shortest skirt, kneel before him and hold out canes and give thanks…so it was very DD but with a lot of control and humiliation and took me into some new positions and situations. Here are some pictures to end on as I have rambled a lot tonight and want to save time to upload pictures and post before midnight!

2012 was the year I went to Dubrovnik and Lisbon and was busy with occasional sessions and spankings from friends. I also shot my last ‘Trouble with Emma’ film called ‘The PA Presents’ (until my late return to the scene), where I played a secretary working for a female boss, who was in turn submissive to a strict dominant couple. It was semi ‘fly on the wall’ but turned into something else after filming. It left me confused and that it went too far and was out of my control, but it was a good learning experience for me.

This year I continued my long sabbatical from spanking work from 2010, and was back in school and living in New York as an acting student for the first three months. After that I had lots of auditions and that kept me out of ‘Trouble’! I did have some fun again though later in the year and start to get back to Spanking again!

My ‘The Trouble With Emma’ website was attracting over 125,000 unique visitors a year and I was getting myself more established as a model. I made more films in my own ‘The Trouble with Emma’ series and travelled a lot. I had a boyfriend in the scene for a year who worked in Paris, France, so I saw him at weekends and stayed over there a few times. It was my first taste of living a Domestic Discipline lifestyle when we were together, but he treated me like a princess. I was too immature for him and impatient and wanted more of it and to be together full time, and we spilt up just before Xmas after I left.

I joined the ‘Bums on the Run’ team over 14 spanking models to do ‘Race for Life’ 5K run in London to raise money for Cancer Research. We all advertised, contacted our friends and acquaintances and managed to be the 3rd highest group of fundraisers in the UK, as everyone in the scene came out to support us. I remember being in awe of some of the models who were well known, but we all mucked in and I made good friends that I would later work with in films.