Today was the launch party for Red Moon Rising Media who I have been working with for the past few months. I was spanked by Miss Iceni who is a well known Domme and had to apologise to my friend Ana, who was also spanked a lot.

Here are some puctures, I hope you can spot me in the thick of it!

Today I had a late night detention with a US friend in London. I remember a hairbrush, strap and lots of spanking going on! It was a mad dash down on the train and I got the last train home.. but with a sore bottom!

I had a great time again at BBW 2017. This is what I wrote in Fetlife:

This was a brilliant weekend and i had so much fun! I’m in a different place now after a sad last year and some times before where I got too involved in the wrong situations that completely messed with my head, so this was about having fun again at parties like I used to, and not being sulky and too hard on myself. Thanks to my SSNY family for making it special and always welcoming me back with the biggest smiles and hugs.

The Boardwalk Academy was a highlight, but seeing as I haven’t left school yet it was like a normal day but the lessons were so real. I was genuinely disappointed with myself for letting myself down and rushing my packing and forgetting my Catholic uniform that I always wear. Sister Miranda told me off and the look on her face was so real to me and I’m sorry and will bring it next time. I loved all of the classes and actually learned things too and was proud to sing and say prayers and take the plead of allegience with everyone.

I loved the Uniformed tops again and wanted to play with as many people as I could to make everyone feel included and it was wonderful, and I had some great connections I didn’t imagine having before.

To my closest friends there you know I miss you and have always hated the geography in our lives but it always feels we are close and are never far apart. Thanks to those I played with in the suites and special thanks to those who know who they are, and I can’t wait to see again and can see good times ahead and who knows where life will lead us. I’m just so happy to be back feeling like it’s the first time again and my mind is free and happy and anything is possible again!
Biggest loves and huggles xoxo

Once upon a time I was a “spankee” and I didn’t do ‘BDSM’ and I still don’t in lots of grown up ways. There were always things I tried once (everything from candle wax to blindfolds). I didn’t mind them but was afraid to admit it, in case the other person may have wanted to give me more of it or up the level, or scare me too much thinking I wanted it. I still have a lot of hard limits and really only get my bottom spanked most of the time, but lately I’ve tried impact on my thighs and rather don’t mind it. I sessioned with someone earlier in this blog who used a tawse on my thighs. I hated it at the time and said I would never do it again, because it was very clinical and cold and hard and I didn’t know him at all before we met, so I was scared off and very upset by it all. Also I exceeded my professional play limits by a mile that day and wanted to be hurt and have pain to get over something emotionally, so it was all the wrong way to go about it and I won’t ever make that mistake again. My partner that day was very nice personally and obliging, but I just went too far out of the role play scene I had in mind. However, I remember coming home and enjoying looking at the marks I had afterwards and watching them turn into big purple bruises and then fade.

This is how I started out with my private and exclusive mentor long before I knew there was a ‘scene’ with other people doing the same thing and other girls getting spanked at home. I had virginal flesh as a newbie and I craved looking at my marks afterwards from his hard hand spankings alone and having the sting and sore bottom that lasted for ages. I still get it sometimes and always for real because it shows me who is in charge and reminds me of my boundaries when I misbehave. I hate it at the time but I always learn from it, particularly when I try to get my own way too much or make myself ill by totally ignoring the good advice and rules I have.

When I filmed with Spanked in Uniform  a few years ago (OMG was it that long?!), I still remember that as one of the times I had a very sore bottom that I couldn’t sit down, and I slept on my tummy when I went to bed because it was red raw to the touch. I was rooming with another spanking model Lottie Kinsade and it was wonderful to compare our marks, and the next day we did it all again. Although this was professional filming and role play,  I wanted to do it all for totally real, so I did. I asked Mike not to hold back when he spanked me and he didn’t, so I bratted him and rolled my eyes as much as I could in one of the storylines to put myself in the zone. I used my method acting training to turn it into a real event in my head so that I felt remorseful and properly disciplined. I spent a few days writing a back story in my head before the shoot for each character to make them all different, but I had to find a quiet corner before I went into the scene to get myself in the right state emotionally and in role. Then it was easier to let go and go with it as if the camera were a fly on the wall, which I had done in all my own films from the first one I made. That is how I roll, it’s the only way I know how to do any of this in films. As I have discipline in real life, although I have not been in films for a few years and may not again,  I can easily tap into it and use my senses to create the same feeling I need to have if the scene would benefit from reality. I like comedy though too but that’s another challenge in how I can find a feeling of ‘reality’ in those scenes.

Here are some pictures of my recent fun and discipline with my Daddy. I have ventured out a little more and am enjoying everything we do together, because it’s nice and slow and given and accepted from someone I trust to look after me. It takes me lots of time to be this brave but when I am I don’t know what I am capable of. I know I am more of a masochist than I will ever admit to, so maybe I’m a lot more ‘BDSM’ than I imagined sometimes.


Sunday 27th April 2014

Sunday was the last day of the party and the main event is always the Boat Cruise in the evening. Last year I was down to attend but was ill, but after hearing it was freezing cold I was glad I didn’t go. Besides I am no water baby and was unsure how choppy it would be. Luckily it was a calm evening so I’m sure everyone had a whale of a time! 🙂 hee hee

I think we all so tired because we all slept in until almost noon. I got up and saw on my phone the time and was down to go to the ‘Little’s party’ at 2pm which I was really excited about,  so I crept into the bathroom and had a shower. By the time I was out the other girls were waking too, which was just as well because we were all going to the Little’s party anyway.

I decided to wear one of my normal everyday dresses. I always wear dresses and skirts anyway and at no time during the entire BBW event (aside from when I wore my school uniform), did I wear anything that I don’t wear at home most times so I didn’t need to dress up at all for it. I usually wear flat shoes and most times my white ankle socks with a dress, after getting blisters on my toes a lot out walking in Australia and being reminded that I need to wear them.  I do dress up in heels if it’s something like going out to a posh restaurant for dinner or a role play scene where I’m a secretary or French maid or something, or at work where I need to wear an office suit, or just to be sexy for someone whatever!…but at home and casually outdoors I always dress as you see in all my ‘vanilla’ pictures, it is just how I am. It was always so tiring and draining to dress to impress so now I wear what I feel most comfortable in, so I am pretty teenage and ‘little’ like to some I guess in my dress style.

I took three of my teddy bears from the UK with me to the Little’s party (Jemima, Juni and Harriet) and Pandie and Emrys both had their  own stuffies, and I also had Booshki the panda that I had been looking after for Pandie there. I took my coloring books and pencils too and we did some coloring, listened to a story and had fun making a fort in the middle of the room. Somebody had an idea to squirt all the Big’s and teachers and carers with water pistols, so we all got spanked for that but it was fun tunneling our way in and out of the fort through the chairs! I loved being there and for one of the first times I did not have to pretend to act big or try and impress anybody, I could relax and have fun and not care and every big person was so lovely and kind and helpful. When we were packing up after the event I couldn’t find my coloring book. It was one my former Daddy had got for me and posted to my home address from Australia. I cried and panicked and called Miss Chris and she helped find it. Another nice man Mr Wood was really helpful too and nice when I was upset and I liked him but I never saw him again. I was genuinely upset emotionally when I lost my book, it means a lot to me because it was a present at a time that meant a lot. Miss Lisa was very nice and kind too when I was upset, and I loved seeing my UK friends there who I have missed and never spend enough time with. One of my friends who I saw in the UK a while before BBW upset me, when he said my teddy bears are just stuffed toys and I shouldn’t care about them so much and that one Domme he knew used to practice caning on them types of toys. It upset me and I told him I actually hated her now for doing that, but I meant it and it made me angry and I even cried to imagine her being so nasty. I also thought he was teasing me and really did not know or understand me at all and that upset me, but he was just thinking and being like most people do towards me I guess, and he probably thought I was mad or some attention seeking age player. My bears are like family to me and I would never sell them or lose them ever. Nobody realises how much it means to me to have these small things I never had once before, so the Little’s party was one of the best things I went to. I didn’t want to be or care if nobody spanked me or was looking for an excuse to, I just was happy as a bunny to be there that day. I am not a baby ‘little’ type in Fetish or ‘scene’ terms but I have a huge immaturity ‘problem’ (so I was told by someone who never understood) that I  have written about a lot and given up explaining now, but I relate to being an older teenager type still in real life and it is how I am every day just by being myself so it’s a battle. Anyway, sorry to bore anybody, I will get back to the party!

Bertha and Emrys both had to leave today and I was sad. I wished they could have all stayed but they had things to go back to. Bertha left first and we all hugged and I was so glad she was there and became my friend and as I write this I think of her face and miss her. We had a nice chat one day and she said some lovely kind things that I will remember. Later on Emrys had to leave so I helped her with her bags and we said goodbye in the hotel exit area. I really like Emrys, she is warm and genuine and says what she feels and I admire her strength a lot. I had a few tears, as I did when Bertha left but as soon as Emrys went and I walked away I realised she had the room key! I quickly ran back and caught her just in time and got it.

In the late afternoon, I was on my own most of the time as everyone was going to the cruise.  When I went back to the hotel room I tried the key Emrys had given me and it didn’t work. I decided to go to the Landshark restaurant and just had a nice burger and chips and it was a bit cold but I couldn’t get into the room to get a jacket. A few hours later I saw Pandie and she had the other key and let me in. She said the key I had was cancelled as there was a lost one, so I guess that was it, panic over!

Later in the evening was the final chance to play in the suites, but it was an earlier night as I had to go home the next day. I had an awesome spanking from one of my bestest female friends (which is a rare thing for me to be spanked by another girl, when its not in a film) but I feel particularly close to her and we have been friends for years but seem to keep passing like ships in the night, and I admit making the most pathetic excuses to stay away from her in the past and I regret not being there. There is just something about her that totally gets to me and draws me in I cannot explain why, but I miss her.  I also had a wonderful spanking and bath brushing from someone I actually asked to play with, which was a first! I was feeling low and upset as I had also lost an earring, which amazingly turned up on the table in his suite when I was there later, so when he said “yes” to taking me back there and spanking me I was made up. He never saw my crossed fingers behind my back when I asked him and held my breath! It was wonderful and special and he knew how to deal with me perfectly in that moment. I loved it afterwards when I thought about it happening, even though at the time it hurt in the real way I need, but he dealt with it.

The following day (Monday) I flew back and my friend Cindy kindly offered to drop me off at the airport, which meant I got to spend a whole day at her house beforehand. It was wonderful to be with such a good friend on such an emotional final day and not have to sit for 8 hours alone in an airport which is very lonely. We said goodbye at the airport and I cried most of the way home. BBW was more special this year and I will never forget it, but I came back happier than I had been in a long time.

Thanks to everybody who included me, made me feel welcome, became a new friend, shared skittles and poptarts with me, or indulged or humored me when I was not always at my best. I am sorry If I upset anybody by not saying ‘yes’ to playing with them again after last year, but that is because I am more aware of myself and my reasons for doing things (like ‘play’) and not because you are not wonderful friends I like socially.  To all those I did play with: Thanks for making it fun, for occasionally pressing the right buttons and taking me to the brink of overstaying my welcome across your knee or bed, and for making me think about being braver in telling you how hot it really was for me…hmmmm…I doubt I will ever be that brazen but I hope you could tell by my reactions and that I want to see you again. 🙂 xx

Saturday 26th April 2014

Saturday morning, and all of my roomies were up first and getting ready early as they were going to the Boardwalk Academy for Girls. I originally had my name down very early to go to the school and was on the list to attend, but I (stupidly) changed my mind because I thought I wouldn’t know anybody and be quite lonely. You would have to know me quite well and a bit about the past year or so of events I went through in order to know how I was feeling when I made the decision not to go. Until I went to BBW this year I was mightily flaky and down on myself for months. I was bullied in school and that left me with a lot of issues about fitting in that have taken me most of my life to get over. I hadn’t arranged to room with Pandie, Emrys and Bertha at the time I was accepted by the school, but they kindly came to my rescue when my original roomie had to cancel. When I saw them all excited about the school and had read about it being taken more seriously than the early bratting lively posts on the thread from pupils had indicated, I felt sad that I changed my mind, but wished them so much fun and was happy for them. They all looked so brilliant but kept their own unique identities in their school uniforms. I’ve been to lots of very serious adult schools and it means a lot to me to do well and take it seriously as I missed out so much on real school and it fills in a lot of gaps for me in my mental timeline, so it is highly emotional and special to me to go and being accepted means everything. I care less about being spanked there, in fact I would happily go and never be spanked at all (although it adds to it of course if it happens naturally) because I try and do well and please people and myself. This time I had been accepted with open arms and made to feel very welcome, but I looked at the list of attendees at the time and thought I would feel left out as they all know each other and had a common bratty banter going on that I do not do, and that made me think I would feel as lonely and sad as I did in real school once and I didn’t want to face that again feeling it is still too vivid to me. I am no good at bratting online and when I do brat it is usually in real life when I just react spontaneously I get spanked sometimes by my real life reactions to what I see around me, so it is genuine and not contrived to get me a sexy spanking…although I save that for in private with friends or partners!

The only class I liked in my real school was Business Studies where I also learned to touch type. We had this Dragon of a teacher Miss Stevens and had to sit up straight in our swivel typing chairs with our knees together and learn the etiquette of being secretaries. I’m so grateful to her now for helping me with my posture, even though at 14 to 16 years old I had no idea I would be a model one day too, I was just surviving day to day and coming to terms with being different and I was too young and afraid to explain that to anybody, though I have talked it all through with consultant psychiatrists a few years ago and they made sense of it all for me and it explained my lack of maturity. I was already fragile coming back to BBW again and I didn’t want to ruin things for myself or anybody else by being boring and shy and un-confident within the class. I would definitely have gone with my roomies if I knew they were all going to be with me, and I felt as happy as I am again now, it was just the timing and I was too hasty in changing my mind and giving up my place and I am sorry I did. I regret that now because they all had a wonderful time and it was taken so seriously and real by the staff and I know I would have loved it. But hey-ho, next year I’m definitely going, assuming I can get in after such a great success!

I had brought my school uniform to BBW anyway, just because it is still a huge part of my identity and I feel most at home wearing it, and anyway I had no idea who wanted to spank a schoolgirl this year either! I decided to wear it to the ‘Uniformed Tops’ event in the afternoon. This is the event where the girls sit in the rows of chairs in the audience area and a parade of gorgeous men in uniforms are led to the stage. When it begins we have to rush up to the stage and select one of them to spank us. We leave the stage and go to a corner down of the ballroom floor and get spanked for about 2 minutes by our chosen top, assuming we are looking to compete for the prize. We then both go back to the stage area and it begins again with choosing our next ‘victim’ to spank us. Last year I won because I got spanked by 14 different uniformed men, but this year there was an actual prize of free entry to next years event, so a lot more of the girls were looking to compete. Mike Tanner, the organiser had said there were no rules this year, so I took that to mean it was similar to last year and I just had to be very fit and energetic and see how many men I could fit into the time limit. I ended up with 21 and felt pleased that I had done quite well and much better than last year. I did not mind that I did not win, the taking part really was wonderful, but I was astonished and rather disappointed that the two joint ‘winners’ who both had over 30 men had grabbed more than one ‘top’ at a time. Great use of initiative, so I can’t complain that they broke the rules because there were none, but I am British and we tend to believe in gentle-persons conduct and play by Marquis of Queensberry rules 🙂 I wouldn’t have won this year anyway because another girl got 23 without resorting to using up less energy and finding an easier way to victory, so in my mind she was the moral winner, but good luck to the girls who were brave and imaginative enough to win by their own pre-planned ‘rules’ :). I got to play with some uniformed tops I had read about anyway, but when I met them in the flesh I secretly swooned a little and could have stayed with them for much longer than the two minutes we had….but I’m a girl I keep that to myself and would die with red faced embarrassment if they knew how hot I really felt being spanked by them! 🙂 I am never the type to ever ask a man to dance (spank me), that is his job if he is a Dom and if he chooses to ask me first, but I am glad the Uniformed Tops gave me the chance to check out some of the runners and riders, I was soooo not disappointed!!

After that there was popcorn and a spanking movie and I went along to see the fun films made by the organisers. I particularly went to support Pandie in a film she made with Mike Tanner. She was wonderful and I was so proud that this starlet was one of my roomies at BBW 🙂  There is always a lot of work put into the films and they touch on themes we all see, write and read about in the Fetlife site, so it is good they can poke fun at characterising the types of people we are.

It was a lovely warm sunny day and me, Pandie, Bertha and Emrys then got changed into shorts and skimpies and went on the beach. We took some fun photos of us all sitting on one small towel and had a laugh trying to get others inside the hotel by looking up at the glass ceiling!

The main event in the evening was the dinner/dance in the ballroom, which is rather like our prom night. The theme was ‘Mad Men’, based on the popular US TV drama…which I love anyway, so was back to the late 50’s and early 60’s fashion. It was great to get ready together in our room and help each other choose what to wear where we were undecided, and share things we forgot to bring or wanted to add to enhance our look. I decided to wear my princess tiara which was a great personal gift I will always treasure from my relationship in Australia with my former ‘Daddy’ and ‘Sister’. We many not be ‘friends’ anymore; and that was my choice to make it easier not to see them in my face in my online feed anymore but I will always have good memories of the days where we got on best and exchanged gifts. Good people are good people, regardless of how they saw me and what they thought about my part in events, so I will never have a bad word to say. It was just something I tried but it didn’t work out and I made a mess of it all and myself afterwards, I was just not mature enough to deal with the situation. It was nobody’s fault but my own and I wish them both well from afar and mean it.

I decided to wear a black long sleeved dress I brought with me to the Mad Men event rather than the blue polka dot one. When one of the girls said it was very ‘Jackie Kennedy’ I felt that meant it was frumpish, but when I saw it on me and felt it looked OK and suited me and I felt like a real princess in my tiara I was glad I chose it for that event. I wanted to try and look and act grown up just for one night. Pandie, Emrys and Bertha looked lovely and we took some group pictures for our photo collections. I am only not posting their faces here because I am always conscious of protecting the privacy of other people who may not want to be included in my gallery. The meal was really nice at the event and I only played once there, when I was taken to the tented area and spanked pretty nicely by a certain gentleman I had already met before, and it was hot and sensual too :). Once again, after the party there was play in the party suites and I managed to get some good spankings again and a nice red hot bottom from a man with straps!

Friday 25th April 2014

I had a long lie in and woke up at 11am as I was very tired, and I had a nice hot shower and relaxed. I went along to the Newbies/Registration in the afternoon and met up with someone who asked me if I wanted to play with him. We had gotten on really well chatting and as I left to go with him I noticed he picked up a huge bag of ‘toys’ to bring with him and was thinking “OMG, I just wanted a hand spanking and now you are bringing a heavy artillery toolbag?!”. We went to his room and I met his lovely partner who had a similar mountain of clothes on their bed to sort out and was organising an event, so we decided to go to my room as it was free and just a bit tidier! In short, I had a great time, he spanked me really well and gently tried implements (that I asked to look at first) and I was surprised and pleased with myself that my levels were still there and I could take it and most of all totally enjoy it all. I told him what I liked, he asked me and tried things that I loved and he knows me now and I will keep that to myself and give our great play session the privacy and respect it deserves. I saw him again a few times and we had good chemistry and I love his humour he makes me laugh every time, so I am glad we are friends now, plus his partner is cool too.

The evening came quickly and it was the Vendor’s Fair next. I wore this flimsy brown with white polka dot 1940’s/50’s style dress and was asked to be a demo bunny by one of the sellers on their leather implements stall so I took a few swats and hopefully helped to sell some of his products. It was fun and I had a great time. I went back to my room afterwards and got changed into a short flared maroon skater skirt as it was more comfortable and would be better for the rest of the evening’s play. I met up with a friend I made last year who was in the US combining a business trip with his debut BBW party, and it was good to see him again. We had played together last year at a party he runs and been friends online since around 2008 so it was a highlight of my whole spanking life when we eventually met and got on so well and I really like him a lot. The suite party that night was officially due to start at 12.00 midnight after the Vendor’s fair but one of the hosts said their room would be open on the floor upstairs and we could go in and play. When we go there the whole suite was empty so we were able to find a great spot in the main room and I was soon over his knee for a spanking. He only spanks mainly, it is what he is great at, plus it is my favourite thing too when it feels right, so I ended up having five (I think) long rounds of being spanked over his knee with just his hand and spells of corner time with my hands behind my back and bare bottom on display. A few people began to wander in and out after 40 minutes or so and one guy I did not know sat near to us and commented too much for my liking. He was talking to me during my private corner time after my spanking when I was still emotional and in a trance, which is really against the protocol and party rules to invade our play space, but I have not made an official issue of it. I can take it, I am supposedly a ‘professional’ so people do all sorts of things to me I don’t always like and my feelings don’t matter to them always, but I hope most of all it did not spoil it for the Mister who spanked me. I had the most brilliant spankings ever in the most perfect way for me personally and it is right up there on my all time list and I wish we were nearer and he could spank me every day 🙂 I was in dreamland, the whole scene, dialogue and tears I cried were real and I will never forget it in my entire life, I cannot say anything more than that, it was heaven in all perfect ways and we played for at least an hour, just spanking and corner time. I regret not taking any private pictures, my bottom was a perfect bright red for a change and I think the smile on my face would have also been a picture!

I went back to my room afterwards and was so tired I got changed into my pyjamas. I came back upstairs to the party and had a great play session in one of the bedrooms with a friend from the UK who I had lunch with a few times last year but we had never played. It was really good and he was also good with tapping into what I liked and needed so I had a good time as well.

Earlier yesterday I had ran into my long standing spanking model friends @pandorablake and aka ‘Zoe Montana’ who I have known since around 2006/7 when we did a charity run together in London. Pandora has gone on to run her own very successful film company ‘Dreams of Spanking’ so we had a chat about doing something together later this year and I hope we can make it happen, it would be a thrill to work with her. I love Zoe, she is fun and I have always felt friends with her and she is one of the few girls in the world I have ever let spank me, I just have a good feeling with her and she knows that I think 🙂 I saw her in Australia in October too, but sadly didn’t get to hang out together too much, so it was wonderful to see her in the US again at a party. I also had a lovely chat with David Pierson (of ‘Punished Brats’) and even played one of my songs on guitar for him, even though I was so tired and forgot my own lyrics and my voice was shot to bits with dehydration and lack of sleep so God knows how it sounded. I suggest he listens to the record 🙂

I finally went up to bed and my roomies were also there so we had a quick chat before lights out, it was a perfect day and I was growing into BBW again and finding myself again. I was so very confident for many years as Emma Bishop but for the past few years that enthusiasm and love of spanking had been knocked out of me by people, events and having my faith and trust in it destroyed. I went to bed with an even bigger smile tonight and have not felt this good in ages.


One year ago I went to the Boardwalk Badness Spanking party in Atlantic City, which I wrote about in my first four posts in this blog. I loved it so much that I decided to go again, but this year I came back in a much better frame of mind and injury and drama free. This is my diary.

I’m using spanking scene ID names in the ‘Fetlife’ community where I feel it is appropriate to do so. However, I won’t be naming names of anyone I played with (i.e those who spanked my bottom) just in case they are not comfortable with it, so it’s easier to leave everyone out and not cause any possible offence or awkwardness. I realise some of my more popular and well known friends and acquaintances are only too happy to be mentioned, so I apologise to them that I am not. I prefer to be discrete, but the people involved may read into it and know who they are, and if they want to comment and ‘out’ themselves then fine, I am more than happy with that too! I was proud to play with everyone who asked me to, or was asked to by me in the Uniformed Tops Event party game which was a reversal of convention, and totally something I never do 🙂

Thursday 24th April 2014

I landed in Atlantic City at around 3.30pm and was met by another guest who kindly offered me a lift to the hotel as he was passing nearby. It was a nice warm day, the shape of many warm things to come, including people. I remember having a big smile on my face in anticipation of seeing my friends again and hopefully making new ones. Last year I had a nasty infection on my bottom and could only play on one side without serious pain so I was very upset, which made me drink too much and deliberately hurt myself by over playing. I was emotionally wrecked by other circumstances at the time too which made me ill there so I was confined to my room for a while. This time I had stupidly picked at some loose skin a few days before, thinking it was a graze that had healed and I made it bleed. I had visions of it getting infected so I cleaned it up and decided to wear a clear plaster as a precaution. Luckily it healed perfectly and I was able to remove it near the end of my time there. Nevertheless I decided not to have any caning as that usually does damage to any healing areas where I’m unsure, but I had plenty of other flat wood and implements in place of the rod so I was not spared!

When I arrived at the hotel at 5.30 pm I texted Pandie (@Pandemonium), one of my roomies, to see when she was arriving to check in and get the keys. I once again in my usual scatty rush excitable fashion, hurriedly read the arrival time in her text message reply as 6pm. It was acutally 8pm! This meant I had a long wait in the lobby with my luggage after being on a plane for 7 hours and then another two in the car. My good friend @loveotk had already checked in so I was able to go into her room and freshen up and relax which really helped. When @Pandemonium and @DragonEmrys arrived we had the biggest group hug, it was great to see them both after the last time in New York in December. Our other roomie @BerthaMason arrived soon afterwards and I hadn’t met her properly before so it was a chance to make another new friend, which I did pretty soon after we met, we all got on so well together.

The first thing we had to do after unpacking and hanging up our party dresses and things that crease easily, was to go along to the registration event. It’s always a good time to meet and greet friends we haven’t seen for up to a year plus make new ones. A lot more people tend to arrive earlier now, on Thursday instead of Friday, so they get another day’s spanking in which is great! After registering and having something to eat I had time to mingle and chat to people. I was actually eating burger and fries a few times there which I never do at home, but with all the energy and carbs, I needed it as I was burning up most days it didn’t make any difference to my figure, in fact I came home lighter than when I went.

The first play that night was in the party suites from 10pm until 1am and I decided to take it easier this time and pace myself. I decided I would only have hand spankings and no wood, perhaps some mild leather. In the last year or so I have warmed (excuse the pun!) to leather a lot more and I like the sensation and afterglow, and it runs close to having a good OTK hand spanking. Like anything though it depends on so many things, from the skill of the spanker to my mindset on the day. I had a good spanking with a party newbie I had met briefly at the New York party in December. I was tired from the flight so when asked if I wanted to go over his knee with him sitting on a chair, or go to the bedroom, I decided on the bedroom so I could lie across his lap and be more comfortable. It was nice and tingly with the sharp slap in the right places to introduce himself to me and I had a big smile on my face, he has a nice manner. After that he was pretty busy I think so apart from a few social chats we didn’t play again, but I was glad to have made acquaintance with his hand. I only had one glass of wine to drink, and anyway I hardly drink at all nowadays, so I was happy but not stupid like last year when I drank far too much.

I ran into a friend from the UK who I once met at a spanking party and was sent to him to be spanked by my, at the time Dom. I had a great session and remembered it well, so when he asked me if I’d like to play in his room I was thrilled to be asked. I know it’s hard for guys to pluck up the courage sometimes to ask to play, but I definitely think it is the Dom’s/Man’s role to do so. I know that isn’t a popular ideology in feminist culture today, but I am the opposite and am very old fashioned and submissive so it does not feel my place to ever ask a man to dance. It’s not because I’m scared of rejection, it is just all wrong and if somebody is not brave enough to ask me then how the hell can I ever look up to them as potentially being in charge of me for our play, or more if we get on well? I admit I did not always say “Yes” to play when I was asked by some men at BBW (and anywhere else), but that is either because we had played before and we had no play connection, or that I was pacing myself and did not know them at all to trust them at such an early stage, or that they kept pestering me about it and I got fed up. I really don’t like it when a man comes up to me and just says “How about it then” or “Do you fancy playing”, when they have not even told me anything about them. It seems crass and makes me feel cheap and not how I would want to be approached in a vanilla setting. It is not a meat market, I have feelings, I am not there to entertain or be available, I like to be asked so that I feel they want to know me too and not just my bottom. But I still have a proviso that even when I am asked nicely, I may just not want to play with someone…just because, just because I don’t want to, sometimes I can’t say why.

Anyway, I had a nice thorough warm up spanking, which was just perfect. He had a flogger and asked me if I wanted to try it. I was put off once when I had a cat of nine tails flogger thing on my back when I was tied to a book rack and I hated it, it was hard and aggressive like I was being punished when I had not done anything and I could not stand it. This time it was gentle and with a few hard ones that made me catch my breath. They were more thuddy and condensed and left a glow and not a raw or flailing bite so it made me laugh and tingle, so I can see the attraction of the flogger now if it is a good one and used sensually too. I loved it on my bottom, it was wonderful like a spanking with a big bean bag! He said he wanted to cane me by the time I went back, but I was trying to stay away from wood (canes really as I had a plaster) and we never got around to it anyway after that as he is pretty popular, and someone I literally have to look up too…which I love, as I can stand on my toes for a hug :)!

I ran into a really nice couple I had met at BBW last year and again in December and I really like them and being around them. Him (the Daddy of the two) always asks me to play, and I will always agree as he is good with me and it’s fun and I feel safe and he makes me laugh. When we go back to his other half afterwards it’s always nice to brat a bit and tease him and have her on my side, I like them both a lot and call them friends and they give great hugs!

After being awake for 24 hours I went to bed with a big smile and less stressed than I had been for ages. Day one was over and I would sleep and get acclimatised to Atlantic City time. I was looking forward to the next day and already loving the company of my roomies and the pile of clothes on the floor! It was like the best teenage sleepovers all over again!

Good Night…. Part 2 coming soon 🙂

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while but will have lots more coming very soon; my account of my trip to Boardwalk Badness Weekend party in Atlantic City 🙂

In the meantime here are some pictures from my last accountability session with Mr W a few weeks ago. I had an encounter with a shoe horn, which was a first unique experience. I usually put my foot in it, this time I was walked all over!! hee hee


I went to the fabulous SSNY (Strictly Spanking New York) party in Manhattan at the weekend and met up with some friends I had made in April at the BBW party in Atlantic City. I stayed in New Jersey and was lucky enough to be rooming with (AKA) ‘loveotk’ who was wonderful and we have become good friends. It was also nice to be accompanied most places by ‘Richard Anderson’ who knew her (‘loveotk’). He was staying at our hotel too and knew the area better than we did and he made sure we got to the right places we were going to together to meet the group, and back to the hotel safely. I enjoyed his company too, even though I think I was a bit offish and dismissive sometimes, I was just sulky and moody a lot this weekend it was just my own fault.

On Friday night, despite me having been given instructions on how to get back to our hotel, I had way too much to drink which caused me and ‘loveotk’, who had left the pub early by ourselves, to overshoot getting off at the bus stop near our hotel. We ended up five miles or so away and stranded in the pouring rain at 1 am in the middle of nowhere on a highway, which felt a little hairy and dangerous and scared me. The instructions I had given Richard on his phone in a semi slurred state were also useless, so I was relieved he took a taxi anyway and managed to get back before us. It was just lucky we asked this lady who happened to know the area and she took us to up to her apartment to get warm and organised us a taxi all the way back to our hotel, because amazingly she worked there too, so she was my guardian angel. I seem to have a really lucky knack of finding guardians to look after me when I need them, cos on this particular night I felt pretty vulnerable and was miles from home anyway. I hadn’t planned on drinking so much and wanted to pace myself all weekend but I did have those three or four glasses of wine on that night, because I was in a bit of a trance from the flight journey and was high on seeing my friends again, so I talked too much I must have bored them stupid and got lost in the great atmosphere. My rule for drinking when I was in my recent relationship and others was one glass if I am with someone responsible (i.e an adult), or better still none at all, but as I have been very down and in freefall to feel better I have lost my way lately. I never drink at all usually, there is never any drink at home and I drink water, soft drinks or coffee when I go out, so I really am not used to it anymore, and I never was, it affects me and I can’t handle much alcohol. I either throw up, cry, or act like a total loud brat. I am never normal on drink, it is bad for me.

On Saturday morning we went into Manhattan and right near my old acting school in Union Square, so it was great to be back there and see nothing much has changed. It was freezing cold though but Richard Windsor (another Richard!) had arranged this fantastic tour of a hidden history of Manhattan. We saw places where actors, boxers and other celebrities over the past century had worked, trained or studied and it was amazing to be standing in the same places that they did. I managed to get a New York City Starbucks mug for my collection (I collect the City ones) and it’s my favourite one so far and has a cute yellow taxi on it and the Manhattan skyline I love around it 🙂 We ended up going to this museum which was a Godsend as they had toilets and it was snuggly and warm after braving the cold, but they had this video on about Roosevelt as a child. I am usually pretty good at being quiet and watching things without complaining but I was getting so bored and restless after half an hour that I said “Do we have to watch all of this? I would rather have open heart surgery!”. I can see now it was a bit rude after Richard Windsor had kindly got us in but seeing as everyone leapt up to leave too, including him (I think) then I hope I didn’t upset anyone too much who may have wanted to see the end…but it was soooo boring!!. Thank you Richard Windsor 🙂 Brilliant tour..apart from Teddy!!

At the party on Saturday I had some good spanking play and role playing too, and I drank water all the time (REALLY) because I was exhausted and dehydrated a bit from a not very great diet and jet lag setting in. I was fine though and did not play much, in fact my head was not in a good place and I was not my usual self in terms of playing too much. I tried hard to find a balance between having sensible fun play and overplaying (which I did at the BBW party in April and made myself ill) but as I had done some seriously reckless 121 sessions lately I tried to be more cautious, so I am sorry if I did not accept play invitations from anybody I did not know too well. Up until just over a month ago I had a Daddy. I was pre-agreeing a list with him of who I may like to play with potentially, assuming they would want to play with me. It was designed to be for my own safety, after abusing my health at the previous party I went to, but I admit now I was a bit stroppy and rebelled against his help. I had other issues and threw a tantrum over the whole damm thing and we fell out over my having to ask people to look after me and play, it was against my beliefs and my stubborn and wilful nature started again and I found it hard to do and thought I would look stupid if I did. My embarrassment and attitude that I did not want to lose face or make anyone feel awkward if I asked them and they felt obliged to say “yes” even if they don’t like me got the better of me. So it ended up with my not having any boundaries at all and it was my own fault. So I was now going to this party with no guidance of what to do or who to play with, I know that now and it was something that did not help me in my relationship.

Because of this and other related stuff I have decided now I need another break and have posted a message to my online friends to say as much. The truth is that I have had a delayed reaction at my relationship with my family ending and it only hit me these past few days. The jet lag did not help and also my emotional hormonal week state. I tried to explain as best I could that I also genuinely have a problem with my maturity and honestly can’t handle things as well as most adults can. Put simply, I had things happen in my life which have meant I have huge gaps in my timeline where it has almost felt I have had to go through growing up again as if it never happened the first time and it was all a blur anyway like I woke up from a dream I had no memory of. I have seen medical articles about brain development and had all kinds of counseling from Psychologists and Doctors for a couple of years explaining it all to me and why I was like this, but none of it makes sense unless you are having to live it. It is like some kind of arrested development but not like I am retarded academically, just maturity wise. I have seen it described as being a ‘Young Adult’. It is not an act or attention seek or my trying to be something I am not, but from ten years ago I was very still much like a child with my moods and understanding of things and how to be and fit in. I had a mentor (Dr Williams, an academic and lecturer) who understood and was qualified to help me mentally, as well as give me the strict boundaries a parent would have done. So when I was in ‘school’ spanking films or roles and people would say I was so realistic I was never acting, nobody ever knew why then. To me it felt like I was in a real school, I didn’t care whether I got spanked or not it was just the being in class.

Now I am older, I know more through experiencing things, including some relationships, but I have rarely had to do much by myself so I hate too much responsibility and it scares me if I am vulnerable again.  I am not that young on paper or in my looks, but neither are anywhere near my brain age maturity development or my body which has also not kept pace as it should have done so I have been told, so people tell me to grow up a lot of get a grip and stop being a drama queen and things like that, and I don’t realise I am and I don’t know what to do and it hurts. I am most comfortable with people who are mentally closer to my real brain age, and I look up to people who seem mature and older than me and able to deal with me and recognise where I am and make me feel I can be myself with them. I get scared when nobody gets me, but I can’t blame them, they only see what they see when they see me and don’t realise how it is for me inside. I push people away if they try and treat me in a way I do really not understand and I get defensive like they are picking on me and blaming me. I feel left out if their way to punish me is to sulk and push me away rather than to discipline me as I am used to, so I put my guard up and pretend I don’t need them, until eventually it works and I make them get sick of me because I am “hard work”. Some Dominants only like girls they can easily train and who will act it out and ‘please’ and all that stuff by numbers. I realise I am not the same, I am not THAT kind of ‘sub’, but I am no different to how a father would deal with a teenage daughter, which is not like BDSM or ‘play’ Nobody gets me and I really am sick of explaining it is real for me and I have been brought up with it, I am not playing a role and if it is not part of my real life and I have to turn it on and off for a ‘session’ then I do not understand this at all in a relationship. I would rather be on my own if nobody can understand me, and only play roles if it’s professionally, and I know I am playing and getting rewarded in other ways.

I guess a simple way is to say 10 years ago I was like a junior at school and now it feels like I am in high school and going to college or being able to drink at 21 for the first time. I can write it pretty well to explain here I think. I am educated enough and was taught to write well by my mentor, but it is not something I can explain when people wonder why I have moods, tantrums, sulks, take stupid risks, and am wilful and stubborn and need to have guidance and accountability and structure. I have only ever learnt through discipline and structure so I know no different. I am wary by now though that it is easy to find people who just want to hurt me and find reasons to punish me for their own fun, or if they think I get fun out of it too but it is so not like that for me. Yes I see and enjoy the sexual side of spanking too, but only when it is part of much more and separate from the discipline I also need too. I thought I had found what I wanted but it just did not work out. I need some space now for a while, but I know it is hard for me with too much space but whatever.

Anyway, this has all finally got on top of me so the best thing to do until next year is to rest and stay away from ‘the scene’ until I can get over how I am feeling because I feel broken now. I blame myself for ruining things because I was not “mature” enough to cope but I really did not mean to and will have to learn a big lesson from it again even though I don’t know exactly what I did wrong apart from being myself and saying how I felt. I am just no good at being understood and saying things well so it is my own fault.

Have a great Christmas and New Year everyone and I will be back next year and ready to go again in a cheery mood.