Since my last post, so much has happened, not in terms of spanking activity because of the Covid lockdown restrictions, but in terms of where I am now compared with the past 12 months. Almost a year ago, I was rushed into hospital for my tummy operation, having recently gotten myself back into the scene and some films again. 5 months or so later, when I last posted in here, I was still recovering and in my usual impatient style I was trying to go from couch to 5K every day and was walk/running in the park, despite being told it could take up to a year for my abs to fully heal. I had a setback when I had pains along my scar tissue and was exhausted and in bed a few days, and after some advice from a friend who had a similar process, I decided to slow down and only do 30 minutes (no more than 2k) every two days until I was stronger. It worked, and three months later at the end of September, I felt I was a lot better and ready to do a bit more. In all, it took 9 months for me to realise it was a serious operation I had and not just a poorly tummy.
I had my first post-op test spanking in June, gently with a cushion under my tummy, and have had two more with implements warm-ups since then, including the cane. My levels are not like they were in early January 2020 which I had built up over 6 months since my return to films and parties, and now with full lockdown again things are on hold again, plus I have made some decisions on how I want to do things from now on.
One piece of good news is that I had a lovely surprise phone call on Christmas Day from my parents who I hadn’t spoken to since my last post here. I had a female (non-scene) friend here in my social bubble on Christmas Day and we had a great time with a traditional dinner and watching movies and stuffing our faces with treats, but as she was off making calls to her own loved ones it gave me a chance to have a long chat with my parents. 6 months is a long time to a girl like me, and I felt very different after the year I had recovering so it was easier to explain how I felt then and why I wrote what I did then. They did nothing wrong, I was just in a very hurt and defensive place a year or so ago. After the life-threatening scare I had (which I didn’t even tell them about as we had split up, and I didn’t think they would come to see me in hospital anyway, when I didn’t want their pity and help as I’m as stubborn and feisty as hell when I feel alone), gradually over last year I saw things differently. I was wrong about everything, once again email and the way I expressed myself a year ago was not fair to them, and they cared about me more than I wanted to accept. It’s true, the best way to stay together in any kind of relationship (vanilla or otherwise) is to talk and listen. My way was to hit out and run away again because I am emotional and was hurt.
When I feel neglected and I don’t get enough attention or feel special and valued I just leave and say nothing, which is my way of doing what I think is happening to me. If things feel at arms-length they become superficial, particularly with relationships I have had in the scene, where everyone is competing for attention so I then value them how I think I am being valued. Oh, I know people have separate lives and can dip in and out of vanilla and kink, but I never had that. I was born with whatever it is inside me that makes me how I am. Plus for weird medical type reasons, my feelings and emotions, organising my life, and my behaviour and attitude, I have a different mental age of 14 to 15. It doesn’t seem to go up every year but I am not mad, but I just have had to live with it. When I meet people via the scene it’s worse because they think I’m playing some sort of weird kinky age regression thing. I have spoken to a psychiatrist about it years ago but it’s not life-threatening or something I can snap out of through choice ( I dumped someone who told me to “grow up” once), so I just do my best to get through life with it.
I’m unable to compartmentalise my feelings and time into convenient chunks, so when I am in, I am all in, there is no on/off switch. The part I got wrong is to assume my parents are like others and we were not a real family. We are, I know that now, and I missed them like crazy like any girl my type would. It was like feeling continually in and out of a boarding school when they went away, but I know they were always there for me and my diary and messages mattered. We spoke again New Years Day and I think and hope it is behind us because I know I am in a different place now and learned a lot. They did not understand why I had to post in my blog about us as a family, and after this post today I probably won’t mention them much at all. I explained that I have been writing Bishy’s Blog for years and I am never censoring myself or writing when I feel I have to appease anyone because that is not me. I have never named names or laundry aired and have bitten my lip most times and ran away and sulked, but this mattered to me, they matter to me. Writing helps me grow and heal and if I do ever elude to writing about anyone its because they have affected me enough to be worthy of my thoughts and feelings. They do want me to be happy and find the right relationship though, but will always be my parents.
I feel good now and started 2021 by setting up a gym in my hallway. If you read my news feed you will see I post on Twitter more than anywhere, so my blog posts may be more spread out, I am super busy and do a lot of other stuff. As I know I need help with my life and cant keep staying away from school now I’m well again, I advertised for a life coach/disciplinarian type person. I had quite a few replies so far but am looking for the right situation. I have been honest and replied to everyone because some people are just not on my page in terms of their profile and kinks or experience, so I am taking my time. I want to have fun and make friends too and my guard is up. For my own sanity, I tried to break down the different types of scene people and relationship options into groups and how I might do things in the future. I know myself and the scene much better now so these are the questions I asked myself and the types I have met in the past:
- Do I want a Dom – No, too BDSM and controlling of my life
- Occasional Scene/Role Play – Professionally only. My boundaries, role play not “punishment”, you are not my Dom and you won’t tell me how much I have to take or I will walk away and stop the session
- Party Play and School events – Yes always, I miss my friends and it’s a good place to make new ones and contacts
- Mentor/Life Coach’Disciplinarian type – Yes, but only one and must have experience and fit what I want. I won’t tell you too much about anything other than what’s in the rules, no personal commitments to each other apart from occasional scheduled sessions. No liking me too much or wanting to date me or get to know me too well, that will mess my head up and has happened twice. One such person in this group from a few years ago described himself as a “cold fish” as he had multiple “spankees”, although there is a caring side to this in that they want you to succeed and usually like you as a person. I would really see them as a teacher to hit me with stuff when I misbehave etc and not get too close or share too much information on my other activities. It is a service that is based on tasks and a few set rules, and in return, they get to spank a “celebrity” bottom tee hee! Usually (for me) short term (3 to 6 months) but it has helped in the past until I get bored or it’s not taking me forward and I just feel like a number. No hard feelings either way, and they might stay on my virtual Christmas card list! 🙂
- Occasional play or ‘funishment’ with friends or potential new ones – Maybe, but only if there is chemistry of some kind and I want to test you out!
- Films/Shared content – Yes, with those who know what they are doing and have some kind of website presence in the scene (no amateurs). I won’t let just anyone take photos or spank me unless I get something I can use too
- Best friend/DD Lifestyle partner/Daddy type etc – Not looking for this at the moment, but if I ever find this again it will be by chance and I will probably not want or need much of the above I hope. I am a nice girl, devoted and loyal, and I may only play at parties evermore. If someone meets my needs that much and I love them then why would I want anyone else? No-one else will be good enough for me and I would expect to be good enough for them too. I don’t share people I love with anyone, regardless of trust it always leads to misery. Her/them or me is a simple honest discussion/equation and we can both do the math, no need to sneak around, I prefer to walk if I am not enough. Spanking with others at parties or friends get-togethers we are both at is cool. I love that, and feeling safe having someone special to take me there and spank me back at home too is too perfect!