I fell out with my parents recently, it was my decision cos I felt neglected. I asked them to post my things back that just came. Now I’m very sad.

Because we met in the ‘scene’ I will never know if they really were my parents and loved me or not, sometimes I wish I was vanilla 😢

Maybe I was expecting too much, so when I got mad it was my fault for being judgemental and saying things I really didn’t care about or mind or mean. I never like typing on screens relationships because everything comes out wrong in moments of madness. I’m done with typing, if people want to know me then we have to talk very often like real people do, two ways, where I can hear and see your reactions and know how I came over.

I’ve had friendships via the ‘scene’ and once I let my guard down and give too much I expect it to be like a normal loving situation, where people do anything for each other and be there when you need them most. I don’t see it like they have separate lives and I’m only there for the smiley fun and to spank my bottom, and then they switch back to their private life and I’m just an outsider. That’s how it always feels and that’s why I hate, blame, and run away from the scene sometimes because it blurs my lines.

I wanted a real family and I never want adults pretending to be my parents, but not really feeling themselves they are. I’m a middle, how the hell can I tell if people mean what they say?

I’ve decided it’s very clear I can’t cope with grown ups scene relationships, and even though I’m recovered from my tummy op I don’t want anyone spanking my bottom, not even disciplinarians, because you don’t know me or care about me really and I could be anyone. I’m afraid to let anyone in the scene touch my skin right now. I would be happier not being in the scene so much, and having someone more vanilla I love and who loves me spank me now and then. It won’t give me all I need but I never had that ever anyway, so I guess it’s impossible to ever have.

It was NEVER a game to me, I only ever wanted to belong to someone and have a family, so the next time anyone says they love me and wants to be my Daddy or Mommy don’t blame me if I find it hard to believe it’s not another role play. Father and Mama were the only parents I wanted, and now all I can do is try and be grown up about it and wish them well too.