The coronavirus lockdown (which for me has been a continual extension of the 5 weeks grounding indoors after my tummy operation in January) has given me the chance to chat more, and get some unrequested ‘feedback’ and observations from people I have met in the past. I remember being told many times that I was “lucky” to be a spanking model and I’m “living the dream”, and I always giggle to myself thinking that some people imagine it to be for me; spankings every day (which I used to have once), recognition wherever I go, living in two or three houses around the world, hopping on and off planes and photo shoots and interviews with the media! For some more established and full time working busy models some of that is probably true, but since I never considered myself a spanking model ‘A lister’ (if there is such a thing in the scene) it was or is never like that in my case, plus I ‘retired’ and came back less than a year ago and with all of the interruptions and illness I have hardly got going again. I have been in two films (one released, one yet to be) since my return and rejoined Twitter, which has helped me build a new audience and engage with contacts and friends of friends I want to see again at parties, so I have a good starting base again but there is so much more I want to do once lockdown is lifted. Most important though is that I am well enough, and two thirds into my full recovery I’m still not 100% sure I can do this at the level I want to.
As you may know, I act too, and to my surprise and bewilderement I had a ‘friend request’ from my ex boyfriend of 6 months in 2009, who has returned with a new ID and vigor to make new spanking friends. The last email I had from him was in 2014 and it was the usual vanilla birthday wishes and pretty much very little detail, which was the reason I cut and ran and felt in the dark, hidden away and a conveniently economically part of a bigger story 11 years ago that I never got to hear. I would rather be told someone is taken, poly, gay, a sub/switch or a serial playing hedonist from the start and then I can make my own mind up how much of my time I want to invest. If I were not so honest, loyal, caring, naïve and innocent perhaps and committed with people I fall for then I would not care or have any feelings and just stand around at every bus stop waiting for play partners. I have a thirst for knowledge and an inquisitive mind like a lawyer or detective, probably because I watch too much ‘Poirot’ and ‘Miss Marple’ and other cops and robbers shows on TV, so when someone out of the blue wants to “talk” again after 11 years the first thing I think of is motive. It turned out that he probably feels I’m a good reference to have as a friend because I’m Emma Bishop, which apparently means I have a good reputation and know lots of people in the scene to hook up with and am good to add as a friend in his profile. I’m actually happy to help spankos and new spanking models who ask me about photographer friends, or play partners, because I do the same and its all about being safe and helping each other in this small community. Anyway, any hopes I had of finally hearing what happened before and any kind of explanation and apology and rekindled friendship, evaporated when I was hearing ‘same ol’.
However, the most interesting thing I took out of out our email exchanges and subsequent face time was how he saw me as a performer and spanko. This is what I can use and work on and helps me understand my kink, why I react as I do and that I’m probably not crazy and YES it is everyone else that is more crazy that me tee hee! This was what he wrote that I liked:
“I think your acting and playing music come from the same place as your kink (he says putting his cod psychology hat on) – you’re drawn to what scares you and take strength from the nervous energy it brings. I remember talking on Skype before you did film shoots – you were a seething bag of neuroses – but afterwards you were like ‘no sweat; it was a piece of piss’. So you’re right – you’re not an exhibitionist in the narcissistic sense, but you do need to perform! How does that sound? No, I’m not stoned….”
Contrasted with that I was told by a scene contact, who became disgruntled but who I actually respect for his honesty, that there are things I need to address. I am more open than ever to listening. but as before, if I were to take every single person’s opinion of me then I would never have attempted to do any of the things I have in my life so far.
“Be honest with yourself Emma You are uncomfortable with your sexuality and need to accept this is the best or only way you get off. Just the same as ME. OF COURSE acting is essential to bring it about but surely you don’t think you are acting when you actually reach orgasm later that day?
The acting is needed as a means to an end. Just as it is with me. You need to get to the stage of real honesty and be able to call a compatible partner and say….. I need a good painful punishment, can you come over here and see to my needs please ?
When you can do that, you will not need to refer to your acting ability. Role Play ( which we both enjoy) is only the BUS to make the journey on. Sexual satisfaction when alone later is the real reason we get on the bus. It gets us there better than anything else I know.
One of your ‘giveaways’ is when you repeat the information that you are an actor and are ONLY an actor. Like it or not, you are a good actress and use it to get to where you want to be. THAT IS WHEN YOU GET ON THE BUS. With ONLY ONE PARTNER, you would only need the car together. For wider scope, the bus with more people is the answer. Face reality Emma, you have a kink you enjoy. You know others who have the same kink. Get together and go in pursuit of what you want while you can. Spend less time wrecking your own pleasure and put your irrational fears behind you”
So, I saw some (but not all) of this as probably true and valid help, but once again it was from someone I have only met once and hardly know. What he and many people don’t realise is that TRUST is the hardest thing to give. I have had experiences of being too honest and open and taking huge leaps of faith, only to find the other person was clearly a player, or wanted to turn the arrangement into something more personal and sexual. Of course I want to ‘Get on the Bus’ as he put it, but I do not do that in role plays, because that crosses the line into potentially becoming highly sexual and about me. This is why myself and other professional models clearly have the message that we do not offer sexual services. I think it is wrong to bring my own needs and wants into a scene, but that does not mean I don’t want to in non professional scenes. Some fetish models do make it about them, they are open with their sexuality and I’m sure some would even negotiate the add on services when they are in the moment, but it’s not how I was brought up or am, so sue me if I’m old fashioned and too “nice”. I would never hit on anyone who is clearly unavailable, so I only feel safe and comfortable bringing my needs and sexuality into something with a boyfriend/girlfriend or at least potential a very close partner of some kind that wants to really get to know all of me and not just spanking me. I would rather go on a date for starters than have spanking play, I’m more vanilla and normal that I think people imagine.
I do not laundry air, and don’t think I am here as I NEVER mention anyone or elude to their identity, so I am only using these as illustrations of the things that help shape me and I take on board. I get so many views and opinions and try to cherry pick things I can use to help me grow and make me more self aware, so I’m actually thanking both of these people for bringing me back to reality. It seems nothing has changed in the scene in all the years I have been involved; people are people, bottoms are bottoms, opinions are opinions and it’s still a thrilling minefield!.
Here are some pictures of my bottom and me getting ready for post lockdown mischief and partying!