To be or not to be?

Whilst I’m out of spanking action until around May, ironically I’m getting more messages that usual about sessions and I’ve had to cancel some things. It’s utterly angsty having to say “no”, and sit and watch all the fun from the sidelines like a crocked athlete 😦

This week I was invited to attend a school role play event coming up, but was asked not to tell the other pupils I was a ‘professional’ model. I said “No” and not just because I’m injured. As insurance in my reply I deliberately made sure I would not be booked by playing my Prima Donna card.

I’m not an exhibitionist and I’m more shy than people know in some group situations where people may still recognise me, so I can’t pretend and put the genie back in the bottle. I sometimes get embarrassed to be recognised even though it can be flattering, but not in vanillaland. Like at my unisex hair salon when I was busy as a model the first time around, where a guy in another chair told my hairdresser he ‘knew’ me and I was a “famous” spanking model. My (vanilla I think) hairdresser teases me to this day and always asks “have you been behaving yourself Emma? ” when I sit in the chair and look in the mirror at him coyly biting my bottom lip. Anyway, at this particular open school event I alluded to above I didn’t want to feel awkward if I became a distraction, so I declined in case I was. I doubt I would have been the centre of attention anyway, but I never want to risk being it.

In some scene open party events, and particularly at long-stay parties, I’m not that confident and sometimes hide in my room and don’t feel good enough to mingle and play publicly. I hate the thought I’m competing and being compared, and I go into a shell and get nervous about myself and how I look. It’s never about looks it’s about how I feel. I would feel the same about myself even if I was a Kardashian or looked like a zillion dollars. One day I don’t want to feel like that, but I don’t know how to get over self defeating and putting myself down. I used to be spanked for ‘self deprecation’ once and had it in my rules, but I don’t have any rules right now so the fight with myself goes on.

I’m not a big ‘player’ by nature so I’m not unhappy at all if I don’t get asked to play much, so I will just drink juice and socialise and I’m happy to catch up with friends. If I am asked to play and I have the right feeling and it’s in a corner or private-ish area somewhere then I often say “yes” or will play brat poker a bit to test their resolve :). If I say ‘No” I usually mean it, unless I lied to avoid stepping on anyone else’s toes. If I say “later”, “not now” or “maybe” then I mean “don’t ask me again I will find you if or when I want to play”. Take me to a bedroom though at a large party alone, or in a shared room with another girl who is also getting spanked the other side and I’m fine. I don’t know why I don’t do larger groups, I am just not as confident as I am when I’m going as ‘Emma Bishop, spanking model’, where I totally am on a high and feel I can do anything. I will dine or drink with anyone and can stand up and speak to big groups and do professional spanking parties well as a model, where I may be spanked in demos and by all the guests. I know I can look OK-ish and perform well and I will want to be the best I can be and I don’t care. I love that kind of stage and I feel relaxed and at home. But me as ‘me’ at a non professional party or event I’m involved with helping to organise, and I’m far more private and self conscious, because of all the things I have said before in other posts.

When someone has taken me to an open party before  and I’ve been in their care then I have felt normal, because I’m with an adult. I have felt good about myself and loved it, as I have been warned I will be spanked in front of other people if I misbehave, or sent to one of their friends, or spanked “just because”. That’s different though cos I felt safe and protected and I know I don’t have a say and I’d given my consent by being with them. If I just go with a friend and they clear off and leave me or ignore me for long periods then I will hide in the corner again and not play much.

In films and 121’s and at professional parties I always feel good enough. I go to all Girls schools events (in the US at parties) and it’s mixed teaching staff (although I don’t mind which gender the staff are, they are all my teachers). I am not a fan of mixed gender school events or BDSM, and I have my reasons, preferences, and right to exercise my personal choice just like anyone else. I have nothing against anybody’s leanings and motivations, I just know what makes me comfortable and what makes me embarrassed to have to watch if I don’t want to.

I always wanted to go to an all girls Grammar school like my Mother, but I couldn’t. I have gradually (to my surprise) recently looked back on and appreciated female teachers more as they were sometimes even stricter with me than men, but I never knew that then and thought too hard about it before. In fact one of my best adult school teachers was a lady who I had/still have complete respect for and the right amount of real tummy butterflies fear, that this 14 year old real me does, even if my own head was in a mess at that time. The subject of being spanked by females (which has not been very often) and how I feel now, and how curious I am about things I’m rubbish at expressing I may write more in another post sometime and even talk about my time in virtual Aristasia.

My Disciplinarians and relationships have been with men 95% of the time as I’m wired that way and get those feels, but now I am not 100% sure because there may be barriers in my head and I don’t know why. Some experiences I had in the past I didn’t expect or want to have when I was already in a M/F D/s relationship, so I freaked out at myself and may have been in denial a bit, when I might have actually had the time and experience of my life. I remember being on an amazing high once after being spanked for two hours by a switchy female friend at a party, but then running for the hills the next day, crying and crashing out of the scene for ages and beating myself up with confusion because I had feelings for her.

To end where I started this post, I just wish that sometimes people will get that I’m not mercenary as a model, and the reason I may do any of this professionally is not what they expect. The reason why I do all of this personally is the reason I feel most alive.

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