My blog this time is a mixed bag. I will bullet point a few things without the gory details as it’s been a scary difficult time, but I have hopes I can be totally fixed soon for the first time in two years.
I’ve never been a good reader unless there is a purpose or reason for it. I was asked if I’d read Niki Flynn’s ‘Dances with Werewolves’ book and it prompted me to write a long reply, but reading is such a big bug bear for me that there was enough for a whole blog post!. I downloaded ‘Dances with Werewolves’ a while ago but I’m a terrible reader and started the first chapters and never finished. I skipped through and got the gist, but if I have hours to read it means hours of not doing the zillion other things like playing piano and guitar and writing songs so I give up. I am rubbish at keeping to a timed schedule on my own and get distracted too much, story of my life! An Uncle did make me read a book once (‘Tess of the Durbervilles’ ) and I loved it. I cried in the final chapter, but I needed the threat of the cane to read it during my visits to him. I did read Madonna’s life story on a flight to Australia but that was relevant, and i was trapped on a plane!
I’m still reading ‘A Lesson in Secrets’ by Jacqueline Winspear but as I’m also an actress I like to read it aloud and play all the characters. Michael used to do that with me when I was learning lines for Theatre and auditions and it was fun. If it was a comedy and I corpsed (as he called it) I got the cane! I’m pursuing my so many things right now all in the ‘entertainment’ field so reading for fun in spare time is almost impossible. I did listen to the audio book of Keith Richards ‘Life’ when I had laser eye surgery two years ago and was staying in London and had to rest my eyes. That was amazing, and what a life and interesting man, but perhaps it was because it was music and real life that I could relate to again and use as inspiration? I like to read factual things so I spend hours on Google and Wiki, and watch historical documentaries. I’ve always been a girl who wants it all now and quick, so I will choose to watch the film every time, rather than trawling through a book and being bored. The only exception to that was Ishiguro’s ‘Never let me Go’ where I read the book first (under the threat of spankings again) and enjoyed it more than the film.
I was the same at school, sometimes I wanted to fast forward the teachers and get to the point of it all and how I could use it in real life. I was sent out of the class a few times for giggling and not paying attention, plus I was bullied so I couldn’t wait to leave. When I left school I chose what I wanted to learn, and although I did it the long way and spent evenings in further education I ended up with some great qualifications. I have to get something tangible out of activities that I can use to take me forward, or at least the potential for it or I don’t do it. That’s how I lead my life. Oops, I’m giving away a few secrets!
Spanking is the same. Unless I’m doing professional work there has to be a purpose. It has to go somewhere or take me somewhere where I can soak it up like a sponge and use it, so ‘play’ is not something I’m used to if it goes nowhere so it’s a bit like reading. I’m an ENTJ (Myers Briggs personality type) but that’s another story. However it might explain why I’m driven by results and need results and a sense of achievement, rather than caring about my feelings. I have grown to learn that sometimes I have not behaved too well with hurting other people’s feelings. I expect adults to be strong and have all the answers, and not weak and sensitive. But the world has changed so I’ve realised I need to allow for people that are. I have the same issue with Switches, I never got the theory before that you can be a bit of both D and s, but I’ve learned to be more understanding and accepting. I have let a few Switches spank me for fun, probably because I know its safe and goes nowhere, because I will never spank anyone so I won’t be enough for them. I’ve made some lovely friends and its made me a better person by knowing them and I’m happy to hear they have fun and get what they need.
I have only met a few people who can handle how complex I am, discipline me, and teach me things to match my sense of adventure, but can also slow me down and keep me grounded and healthy. That takes someone special and I was lucky enough to have a mentor who I was with for years, until I wanted more. He was a teacher and academic and we met by chance. He was an expert disciplinarian and not even in the ‘scene’ so he wasn’t going round offering services to other girls, he was just there for me and devoted hours to managing my development. I was like a very young girl then, and didn’t realise how lucky I was until I joined the scene. Then I saw how different that was and more of a scene playing game to most people with rules and discussions, and not real domestic discipline what I was brought up with when I was with him. Discipline went somewhere and I learned and grew, play doesn’t take me anywhere. The problem I have is I couldn’t compartmentalise like him and most Mentor/Disciplinarian adults can in the scene, because my brain is not mature enough. I won’t put any kind of fence or limits around my authentic self and my emotions and feelings once I’m in and I can’t lie and put up with situations that don’t make me happy. Isn’t that the same as any typical teenager?
My teenage self wants to do it all, but life is short and the scene is a minefield so I don’t have time to suffer fools or waste my time on things that go nowhere. I was the same at school, I liked practical things like art, cooking, drama and music. If someone can show me how reading fiction or spanking play can take me somewhere, or how to temper my enthusiasm with results, and also love me and nurture me to be my best for them and myself, then I may listen and want to learn and stay for the long haul 😊