Whilst I’m out of spanking action until around May, ironically I’m getting more messages that usual about sessions and I’ve had to cancel some things. It’s utterly angsty having to say “no”, and sit and watch all the fun from the sidelines like a crocked athlete 😦

This week I was invited to attend a school role play event coming up, but was asked not to tell the other pupils I was a ‘professional’ model. I said “No” and not just because I’m injured. As insurance in my reply I deliberately made sure I would not be booked by playing my Prima Donna card.

I’m not an exhibitionist and I’m more shy than people know in some group situations where people may still recognise me, so I can’t pretend and put the genie back in the bottle. I sometimes get embarrassed to be recognised even though it can be flattering, but not in vanillaland. Like at my unisex hair salon when I was busy as a model the first time around, where a guy in another chair told my hairdresser he ‘knew’ me and I was a “famous” spanking model. My (vanilla I think) hairdresser teases me to this day and always asks “have you been behaving yourself Emma? ” when I sit in the chair and look in the mirror at him coyly biting my bottom lip. Anyway, at this particular open school event I alluded to above I didn’t want to feel awkward if I became a distraction, so I declined in case I was. I doubt I would have been the centre of attention anyway, but I never want to risk being it.

In some scene open party events, and particularly at long-stay parties, I’m not that confident and sometimes hide in my room and don’t feel good enough to mingle and play publicly. I hate the thought I’m competing and being compared, and I go into a shell and get nervous about myself and how I look. It’s never about looks it’s about how I feel. I would feel the same about myself even if I was a Kardashian or looked like a zillion dollars. One day I don’t want to feel like that, but I don’t know how to get over self defeating and putting myself down. I used to be spanked for ‘self deprecation’ once and had it in my rules, but I don’t have any rules right now so the fight with myself goes on.

I’m not a big ‘player’ by nature so I’m not unhappy at all if I don’t get asked to play much, so I will just drink juice and socialise and I’m happy to catch up with friends. If I am asked to play and I have the right feeling and it’s in a corner or private-ish area somewhere then I often say “yes” or will play brat poker a bit to test their resolve :). If I say ‘No” I usually mean it, unless I lied to avoid stepping on anyone else’s toes. If I say “later”, “not now” or “maybe” then I mean “don’t ask me again I will find you if or when I want to play”. Take me to a bedroom though at a large party alone, or in a shared room with another girl who is also getting spanked the other side and I’m fine. I don’t know why I don’t do larger groups, I am just not as confident as I am when I’m going as ‘Emma Bishop, spanking model’, where I totally am on a high and feel I can do anything. I will dine or drink with anyone and can stand up and speak to big groups and do professional spanking parties well as a model, where I may be spanked in demos and by all the guests. I know I can look OK-ish and perform well and I will want to be the best I can be and I don’t care. I love that kind of stage and I feel relaxed and at home. But me as ‘me’ at a non professional party or event I’m involved with helping to organise, and I’m far more private and self conscious, because of all the things I have said before in other posts.

When someone has taken me to an open party before  and I’ve been in their care then I have felt normal, because I’m with an adult. I have felt good about myself and loved it, as I have been warned I will be spanked in front of other people if I misbehave, or sent to one of their friends, or spanked “just because”. That’s different though cos I felt safe and protected and I know I don’t have a say and I’d given my consent by being with them. If I just go with a friend and they clear off and leave me or ignore me for long periods then I will hide in the corner again and not play much.

In films and 121’s and at professional parties I always feel good enough. I go to all Girls schools events (in the US at parties) and it’s mixed teaching staff (although I don’t mind which gender the staff are, they are all my teachers). I am not a fan of mixed gender school events or BDSM, and I have my reasons, preferences, and right to exercise my personal choice just like anyone else. I have nothing against anybody’s leanings and motivations, I just know what makes me comfortable and what makes me embarrassed to have to watch if I don’t want to.

I always wanted to go to an all girls Grammar school like my Mother, but I couldn’t. I have gradually (to my surprise) recently looked back on and appreciated female teachers more as they were sometimes even stricter with me than men, but I never knew that then and thought too hard about it before. In fact one of my best adult school teachers was a lady who I had/still have complete respect for and the right amount of real tummy butterflies fear, that this 14 year old real me does, even if my own head was in a mess at that time. The subject of being spanked by females (which has not been very often) and how I feel now, and how curious I am about things I’m rubbish at expressing I may write more in another post sometime and even talk about my time in virtual Aristasia.

My Disciplinarians and relationships have been with men 95% of the time as I’m wired that way and get those feels, but now I am not 100% sure because there may be barriers in my head and I don’t know why. Some experiences I had in the past I didn’t expect or want to have when I was already in a M/F D/s relationship, so I freaked out at myself and may have been in denial a bit, when I might have actually had the time and experience of my life. I remember being on an amazing high once after being spanked for two hours by a switchy female friend at a party, but then running for the hills the next day, crying and crashing out of the scene for ages and beating myself up with confusion because I had feelings for her.

To end where I started this post, I just wish that sometimes people will get that I’m not mercenary as a model, and the reason I may do any of this professionally is not what they expect. The reason why I do all of this personally is the reason I feel most alive.

My blog this time is a mixed bag. I will bullet point a few things without the gory details as it’s been a scary difficult time, but I have hopes I can be totally fixed soon for the first time in two years. 

  • I was taken to hospital and they found I had a small bowel obstruction. I was in for 8 days and had an operation and it’s all OK now but I have a scar to heal. I can’t be across anyone’s knee for 3 to 4 months which will take me up to May/June, just in time for summer and the party season, although I may not be able to attend for other reasons. I’ve had to let people know who wanted a session with me that I’m out of the scene for a while, but that side of my life is well in the back of my mind. Being in hospital made me think a lot about my entire life, so I will decide on what I want to do when I am better.
  • Alongside this I’ve had a problem with fatigue and neurological problems for 2 years. I’ve seen lots of Doctors and finally they have sent me for more blood tests, rather then looking into my eyes and asking me to balance on one leg, which is all normal, so hopefully they can find out what the underlying problem is. I’ve had it since I went to the jungle near Cancun in December 2017. It may be a coincidence but I got bitten by bugs and may have caught a bacterial infection, in which case it can perhaps be cured by antibiotics. I hope it is something like that and nothing more worrying, but right now I’m waiting for news and trying not to worry.

On reading.. 

I’ve never been a good reader unless there is a purpose or reason for it. I was asked if I’d read Niki Flynn’s ‘Dances with Werewolves’ book and it prompted me to write a long reply, but reading is such a big bug bear for me that there was enough for a whole blog post!. I downloaded ‘Dances with Werewolves’ a while ago but I’m a terrible reader and started the first chapters and never finished. I skipped through and got the gist, but if I have hours to read it means hours of not doing the zillion other things like playing piano and guitar and writing songs so I give up. I am rubbish at keeping to a timed schedule on my own and get distracted too much, story of my life! An Uncle did make me read a book once (‘Tess of the Durbervilles’ ) and I loved it. I cried in the final chapter, but I needed the threat of the cane to read it during my visits to him. I did read Madonna’s life story on a flight to Australia but that was relevant, and i was trapped on a plane!

I’m still reading ‘A Lesson in Secrets’ by Jacqueline Winspear but as I’m also an actress I like to read it aloud and play all the characters. Michael used to do that with me when I was learning lines for Theatre and auditions and it was fun. If it was a comedy and I corpsed (as he called it) I got the cane! I’m pursuing my so many things right now all in the ‘entertainment’ field so reading for fun in spare time is almost impossible. I did listen to the audio book of Keith Richards ‘Life’ when I had laser eye surgery two years ago and was staying in London and had to rest my eyes. That was amazing, and what a life and interesting man, but perhaps it was because it was music and real life that I could relate to again and use as inspiration? I like to read factual things so I spend hours on Google and Wiki, and watch historical documentaries. I’ve always been a girl who wants it all now and quick, so I will choose to watch the film every time, rather than trawling through a book and being bored. The only exception to that was Ishiguro’s ‘Never let me Go’ where I read the book first (under the threat of spankings again) and enjoyed it more than the film.

I was the same at school, sometimes I wanted to fast forward the teachers and get to the point of it all and how I could use it in real life. I was sent out of the class a few times for giggling and not paying attention, plus I was bullied so I couldn’t wait to leave. When I left school I chose what I wanted to learn, and although I did it the long way and spent evenings in further education I ended up with some great qualifications. I have to get something tangible out of activities that I can use to take me forward, or at least the potential for it or I don’t do it. That’s how I lead my life. Oops, I’m giving away a few secrets!

Spanking is the same. Unless I’m doing professional work there has to be a purpose. It has to go somewhere or take me somewhere where I can soak it up like a sponge and use it, so ‘play’ is not something I’m used to if it goes nowhere so it’s a bit like reading. I’m an ENTJ (Myers Briggs personality type) but that’s another story. However it might explain why I’m driven by results and need results and a sense of achievement, rather than caring about my feelings. I have grown to learn that sometimes I have not behaved too well with hurting other people’s feelings. I expect adults to be strong and have all the answers, and not weak and sensitive. But the world has changed so I’ve realised I need to allow for people that are. I have the same issue with Switches, I never got the theory before that you can be a bit of both D and s, but I’ve learned to be more understanding and accepting. I have let a few Switches spank me for fun, probably because I know its safe and goes nowhere, because I will never spank anyone so I won’t be enough for them. I’ve made some lovely friends and its made me a better person by knowing them and I’m happy to hear they have fun and get what they need.

I have only met a few people who can handle how complex I am, discipline me, and teach me things to match my sense of adventure, but can also slow me down and keep me grounded and healthy. That takes someone special and I was lucky enough to have a mentor who I was with for years, until I wanted more. He was a teacher and academic and we met by chance. He was an expert disciplinarian and not even in the ‘scene’ so he wasn’t going round offering services to other girls, he was just there for me and devoted hours to managing my development. I was like a very young girl then, and didn’t realise how lucky I was until I joined the scene. Then I saw how different that was and more of a scene playing game to most people with rules and discussions, and not real domestic discipline what I was brought up with when I was with him. Discipline went somewhere and I learned and grew, play doesn’t take me anywhere. The problem I have is I couldn’t compartmentalise like him and most Mentor/Disciplinarian adults can in the scene, because my brain is not mature enough. I won’t put any kind of fence or limits around my authentic self and my emotions and feelings once I’m in and I can’t lie and put up with situations that don’t make me happy. Isn’t that the same as any typical teenager?

My teenage self wants to do it all, but life is short and the scene is a minefield so I don’t have time to suffer fools or waste my time on things that go nowhere. I was the same at school, I liked practical things like art, cooking, drama and music. If someone can show me how reading fiction or spanking play can take me somewhere, or how to temper my enthusiasm with results, and also love me and nurture me to be my best for them and myself, then I may listen and want to learn and stay for the long haul 😊