Sometimes….

When I used to write Bishy’s Blog MKI, I had so many people saying they related and felt as if they knew me. Apparently it was honest and from my heart (which it always is), and although I’m ‘Emma Bishop’, they said they got a good insight into the life of a spanking model. More importantly I wrote a lot of the blog when I had my long term mentor, so much of what I posted were genuine pictures of my real life discipline, and I would write about it, including the dread and fear of it all. I think most people mainly enjoyed the pictures and I suspect some thought they were staged, seeing as I’m meant to be ‘Emma Bishop’. Truth is my real life has never been like that.

When I’m out there as Emma Bishop I can love the attention and get high on feeling loved and perhaps even valued a bit for what I set out to do as a creative performer. I know how to do this, I trained in how to do this both as a professional model first and then a mainstream actress, but sometimes it’s too much and I just want to run away again and hide. But then I miss that attention and succumb to people saying they miss me, when I assume they really mean they miss my bottom. Oh I know if I write this openly there will be some people who think its a career ending whinge, and others who may think it’s self indulgent, but if I wasn’t writing it all down I would probably have to tell a friend in the scene how I’m doing and maybe even a Doctor. I don’t actually care if Emma Bishop loses fans. Those who get me (as me) will know what I mean and relate to what I’m writing next.

I miss having my Daddy, or someone who disciplines me for real but REALLY cares about me too like in a proper relationship, and I’m not just feeling like a time slot. I will never ask anyone to spank me or go to them because I’m a a girl and they are grown ups and I’m used to just being told. None of this scene protocol ‘play’ stuff that everyone does since 50 shades like an appointment. I was born this way and I’m old fashioned and I don’t understand that type of play on something that is inside my head and every fibre of me. My mentor was bold, he once we made contact he just saw how i was behaving and immediately took over and TOLD me to report to him. He already knew I would say yes by my email replies when he was getting to know me and he could see how I am. I had rules and he did it all and I had huge respect for him. As he wast in the scene at all, he just saw a child who needed guidance and he did all of that just like as if my parents in the olden days had hired a private tutor for me. Dr Williams is actually all of that in his career, although not of course in the way he was with me.

With my Daddy I felt understood, grounded, loved and on track when he was here, but now I feel empty, so I have ran into being Emma Bishop again and keeping so busy that I don’t have to remember what happened. I won’t go into details but he had to go away and Ive got used to the idea I won’t see him again ever, and I think I’m also over it too. The gap that’s left though is that I’m undisciplined again, I have no sense of looking after myself properly and it’s slowly dragging me down, but I have to keep going because I promised I would, and I have to try and do this without all the things I have had in my life for so long, when I’m not being Emma Bishop. I will do this because I had to do things to survive in lots of ways but I really just want to be looked after properly.

Discipline (spanking, rules etc) is what I had before Emma Bishop. My mentor advised me against joining the ‘scene’ and just being totally professional and to keep that well apart from the real discipline.

I was being Emma Bishop at a party this weekend and I think I carried it off OK. I’m used to being in front of people (just because of training and conditioning) and I’m used to smiling when really I want to rant and throw a tantrum. Saturday was like that. It was a party, and I didn’t want to really ‘play’ at all so I kept my head in meet and greet stuff. I will play professionally cos I can hide behind that, but I don’t like to play for no reason if I haven’t been naughty, it just seems like i’m acting again. I just really ever play to see what the other person is like so its a test really, but most times they aren’t interested in who I really am and would probably call it ‘drama’ if I told them i was a Middle in real life and not get it. Or they pretend they do and nod or laugh and then I feel like a freak. I hate anyone calling me a ‘Lady’ or trying to age me up, because I’m totally not. If they knew I was a young teenager in my head, metabolism and a few other weird things they wouldn’t treat me like, but I’m not mad just not like you.

The only time I’m happy that some people would call ‘play’ or a ‘scene’ is when I’m at school and that’s why I go to parties where there is a school too, and in my films. I’m being myself, that’s the only time, even if others are grown ups playing school. I hate it ending, its not even about being spanked on purpose, it’s about just being me in real life. At the party this weekend I was going to stay in a hotel and I honestly completely forgot I was still in school uniform, because they feel like my normal clothes. When I remembered and undid my tie it made me sad. It made me feel like I was having to lie and act again. Obviously I only wear it in school roles, but I just forgot and didn’t think it mattered, just like any teenager going home from school in their normal school uniform.

Since then I had a lot of social media stuff i loved getting into and writing, and it’s thrilling and exciting, and I could be spanked lots by people every day if I said ‘Yes’ and have lots of ‘play’, but I don’t want that, because its all for and about Emma Bishop not me. Sometimes I don’t want people telling me I’m any kind of famous person in the scene or wanting to meet me, because then I have to be Emma Bishop for them. The real me is a pretty mixed up teenager in a grown ups body, having to fit in and lie and do grown up things when really I can’t. Well, i can do sexual things of course in my relationships but its just i’m more innocent and emotionally immature and I can’t treat it all like a kinky game, if to me its all real.

I’m different in ways I cant write about and only explain face to face to a very few people in my life I can trust. When I go home sometimes I just want to curl up with my teddies and cry and scream under the covers or throw things and swear really loud. Sometimes, I wish I was never Emma Bishop, but tomorrow I will probably do it all again. Until I find what I really want and that person wants all of the real me this is just an escape that keeps me away from being a recluse again. I’m actually scared and more shy than I make out, and I wish I could just be that again without the big front I have to keep up. Ive probably said this a few times in posts but noone REALLY listens or wants to.

I was glum and thinking about writing this and at the time I took a picture to show how I was feeling. I also miss my parents who I met in the scene (M/F couple who are both Disciplinarians), and after two and a half years I think they have disowned me too and couldn’t be there all the times when i most needed them and I’m very sad I feel like an orphan again. I am not sure if they just got bored I wasn’t always smiling and trying my hardest to appear happy in limited time together lately when we met and I will ill, or I’m too hard work 😦 Being Emma Bishop has helped the past two weeks from wondering what I did wrong and why I feel dumped 😦 This picture was when I was spanked by them before bedtime once. I was so proud I got my dropseat Pj’s from America with my name on, which I only got and wore for them. I think it’s over, I am not sure. It’s nearly 11 again, my bedtime was 9 for two years, i’m exhausted and I need to go, sorry.

PS: My Mentor was an Academic in Education. He forbade me to use apostrophes and I got spanked if I wrote I’m instead of I am etc…but now I do because I can, but really I was happier when I couldn’t but I don’t want to try now.

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