I often have times when its all too much and I just wanna run away from trying to act grown up and right now I just want to get a plane somewhere hot and be totally on my own. I say I will sleep and get myself together but after a while I get bored so end up online again and tired, all the reason why I run away in the first place and its a cycle I cant break right now. I used to have a journal, rules, a schedule, time limits and stuff but they are gone, I need them but wont ask for them as its too complicated even to ask my parents who are meant to be here for me. I need total rehab and detox from caffeine, vices like the internet and to be somewhere where I can be looked after but also straightened out so I know right from wrong again…sounds like I need a good spanking hey?
But the thing is I haven’t actually done anything wrong at all, this is not a cry for help in the way disciplinarians and mentors may pounce on me and say they can ‘help’ me. I accepted that before, and it did help then and I was grateful and got better but it won’t on its own right now. Like I said I haven’t done anything wrong, apart from falling in love and it is NOT my fault. The only two people i’ve told (when I always wanted to tell the whole world I’m in love, its every princess’s dream) think i’m walking around with blinkers on and I’m being naive. I feel like I should go to a confession box, but I haven’t actually sinned, but it feel like I’m drowning. I’m still a little girl. 14 actually or 9 as ‘he’ says and was probably more right than me, and I’m having to cope with an enormous big situation I’m in. I don’t trust new people who say they wanna be friends when really I know they just want to spank my bottom and will say they will help just to do that bit, and that is the last thing I need right now. My former mentor, and my parents (when I finally see them after their longest trip abroad) would have listened and help fix me but I don’t want to dump on them and they can’t give me enough time and have their own lives anyway. I saw Mama last week when she popped over but she was one of the two people I told and he reaction was the same as my friend, and I just wanted to cry and have hugs and wish it would all magically go away like it never happened, but she has her own life like I said so I left it there and I kept a lot in and smiled and drank wine even though I shouldn’t. So…its easier to be Emma Bishop where I can just concentrate on what I know I can do and I get to cry and pretend its because of the scene when really its all too much right now but I will use it as an outlet until I can be me again.
I am going to run away on my own soon once we have launched the websites and my new films are out there and I’ve returned, but I don’t know where to go. I don’t know of a single place that’s a cross between a boarding school, a health farm/clinic and a church where its quiet and I can like, talk to a priest who cant see my face so I can’t see his disappointment, and I can get it out of my system and someone will tell me what to do. I miss Michael my rock, he would have listened and made it all OK again but he is up in the sky and can’t talk back. When I look like an adult people see me like that and they really think I can make my own mind up and sort myself out, but I can’t I really can’t and right now I’m not coping just getting through the days. So when you see me again in the films you will know I took all this into the scenes, but cried my eyes out after I got home. Emma Bishop created me and saves me every time, but even she can’t this time. I cant post this as Emma Bishop because she is strong and confident and smiles for the camera and is the heroine I want to be in my normal and more real Middle life. I shouldn’t write like this and bore people to tears when its my hormonal week, but this time I won’t delete it because its how I feel and will feel until someone tells me it wasn’t a dream and what I must do for my own good because I don’t know what that is anymore, who ever did when they fell in love with the wrong person on paper? I don’t love on paper but with my heart but this time it feels like there will always be chains around my heart. Maybe the only way out of it is to be told by a grown up that I WILL or WON’T do this, but I want to hear it from someone who I know will be there for me after I have.
If all of this sounds too cryptic, the simple truth is that I had a new Daddy who I met in May in a sliding doors train moment, and he was gone with the wind and had to go away under a cloud. We had great times but there was a lot to him that got in the way, but I cannot say. Keeping it to myself has been the hardest thing I had to do. I think I fell in love and if things were different I might have ran away with him abroad. Only time will tell if it was for the best and if forgetting hin forever was the only way to treasure what might have been.