So… due to many requests since I quit, comments and changes in circumstances, I decided to get back to doing a little of what I know. For anyone who has been friends with me or followers of this moi here crazy girl these past few years, you will already know I’m not a regular good girl and need discipline. I go with my gut and heart (or always used to, but made dumb unchecked decisions lately). I go off and run away at huge whims, serial procrastinate, compromise to save other people’s feelings, get myself into awkward pickle situations and rarely ask for much in return from anyone.
This time I am being totally selfish and putting myself first. I am putting myself back into survival and hungry mode again, even though I am doing fine and don’t have to, because that is always the time I feel my best. I have tried looking through haystacks and they were full of worms dressed up as maggots, and I have tried fitting into nice little boxes and I felt trapped and lonely. Now I am breaking out, and having as much fun as I can fit into my life without burning out again. Without discipline I may be crying in my coffee before long, but I’m gonna try to act like I’m a grown up again until I get some help.
I will no longer apologise for being a spanking model, or change course because that is denying I ever lived. I will no longer apologise for being geekily weirdly different, even though it’s now a popular bandwagon to be on with all kinds of available labels. All of these pieces that make me weird make me alive and real, and I have found them again in my toy box. I am going to care less about what people think and believe in myself much more from now on, and trust my gut again!.