I had a recent slightly drunken conversation with a vanilla man friend who I kinda really like but never said, and he’s left and moved away now. He knows everything about my kink but isn’t a spanko. He said he could never ‘hit’ a girl…while I’m sitting there running a monologue through my head thinking I would be brave enough to happily offer to be his first sacrificial test crash dummy tee hee! Nice as he is though, and even with some obvious chemistry, from my side at least; he teases me and hints a lot but never cut to the freakin’ chase, with him not being a spanko it’s a deal breaker for me so I never said how I feel about him in all the other ways. If I had done it would only have got me in a stupid mess again, and I did say I will never compromise again so that’s dead in the water.

Anyway, when we were out once before he was looking at this pretty girl at the bar with long legs and commenting about what type of girls he likes. He regularly dropped in little criticisms about my boyfriend at the time, insinuating he wasn’t imaginative enough for me and not my type, and he invited me to have a quick birthday (mine) drink with him, on the Sunday night after I had just said goodbye to my (newish) spanko boyfriend. I immediately told my spanko boyfriend and he was fine with me going to meet a friend, and in any case didn’t have any exclusivity over me at that stage as it was still early on. My point being that I kinda hoped Guy A (non spanko) was a tincy bit jealous I had a boyfriend, as he wanted to see me on my birthday as we were staying in the same area that night, and I thought he might say something, but he never did. I still harbourded hopes I could convert him into a spanko if he had, but its well over now and he is gone.

When we met for the last time, and building on our open sexy risque chats, we did get onto the subject of his ‘type of girl’ again. I rambled on, after too much red wine, about how I like girls as friends, but am not attracted to them in the same way as I am to men so can’t comment much about other girls apart from that I can appreciate beauty, cool and personalities in anyone. Then I opened up a bit more about a few situations I had had with girls that made me feel all wrong, excepting one or two girls who I really did have feelings for. I tried to justify that by saying I wouldn’t know what to do now anyway, and I’m way too shy to make any kind of first move. I told him there was a word called ‘Heteroflexible” that I had seen recently (thanks Fetlife!). I said I didn’t think I was one of “them”, as it’s very rare I am attracted to girls, but maybe that it’s the whole person I’m attracted to. I went away and thought about it the next day and googled the word myself.

I have always been ‘Straight’ in Fetlife because I was and still am 99% attracted to men, because of all of the usual pheromones and other things I sense and feel towards men:) Then I thought to myself, maybe I’m closing down ever surprising myself or being surprised. And what if, for example, someone of the same sex may want to know me better than just a friend, but knows I’m ‘straight’, so I never would know how they feel, and I would never say anything either because I just wouldn’t know how to as I’m also immature. I know i keep saying that and you will all be curious or thinking i’m retarded or weird but I’m not, but just different and most definitely a Middle in all ways. It’s kinda medical as my metabolism and whole life pattern is out of sync with what it should be, and a Doctor recently asked if I’m from another planet, which really made me feel like a freak!

In terms of girls in spanking relationships and friendships I am not turned on by Female Domme at all, as I see men in charge and look up to them and it does everything for me. When I have been spanked by a woman it’s not been the same in my head at all, however hard I try, and I can’t help or apologise for that. I love it in films or role play though, it fits and I can get into it just as well as I can with a man in charge. But there is a small 1% chance I just haven’t met the right girl yet, I will probably never know.

So, for that 1% chance, I have changed my orientation to ‘Heteroflexible’, but I’m NOT ‘coming out’ or making a big “hey, look at me” deal about it, because after today I probably won’t give it another thought, unless another Guy A tries to get me drunk and interrogates it out of me again!.

There is a big difference between being spanked for fun or discipline in my friendships and relationships and what I do as a model. It’s not about the actually limits, because on film I have been spanked just as hard and ‘for real’, but it’s about professional boundaries…. “Boundaries huh?, I say aloud to myself. Aren’t they the fundamental conversation basis of all consensual spanking/BDSM relationships?” Yes..and No. I hate boundaries in my personal relationships but once I’m in one i don’t want a choice, but as a spanking model boundaries keep me safe.

In my personal life, anyone I call ‘Sir’ is in charge of me and he makes the rules. Sure, when we are playing early on or dating and we have to talk about likes/dislikes/deal breakers and limits then I have my say. Once we have passed the road test/mutual audition and I know what he has and he knows what I have and where I am, then I expect to be taught HIS way. If there is not that chemistry then it ends there, although for the past few years I have got this wrong more than once when either one of us has tried to turn it into a match, when I should have been braver and trusted my faithful gut and walked. That is a compromise, I will never do that again, it is a waste of my precious time on this planet and I am not grown up enough to decide what to do. This is the biggest discovery and lesson I’ve learned well since I stopped being a professional. I’m pretty immature and emotionally vulnerable, so I can’t lead anything, he has to have that experience or I feel confused and scared and very unsure if he dithers or keeps asking me how I feel and if it’s “hard enough”, or asking me to suggest reasons why i need to be spanked. I have never been a player, I have only known domestic discipline and being in the control of a mentor/teacher type who is authoritative naturally. In fact I have only tried the concept of “play’ quite recently outside of professionally so I have to treat it the same, it’s a role, but I will still enjoy it and give my best but on a surface level.

In my professional life, I’m in charge and I decide what the boundaries are. I can play the role requested, and in most cases I am being my authentic self depending on the role, but I am monitoring all of it in my head and staying safe and as committed as I can be with a stranger. It’s pretty much the same at parties, I cannot give any more of myself as I won’t trust anyone I may never see again. ‘Play’ for me is the same as what i do as a professional, I stay in control and will never go into any total ‘space’ as its too risky for me and I am not adult enough to cope if it goes somewhere that makes me emotional. Professionally, we sit down and talk about the route through the time together and my aim is to meet his needs, not mine, although if I am ever asked I will say so. Some people don’t need a role play or scene, but I prefer this as a way in but never want to talk about my ‘needs’ if it means I might be compromised. So, it’s strictly professional but I always hope to get on well and make a new friend through it. If I get hit too hard then I say so, I’m in character but not out of giving consent outside of a typical role play and usual ‘play’ limits. I have been spanked hard at parties in the US and on one occasion would have liked to have carried on and arranged to meet again, but my professional head stayed on and I wanted to enjoy the rest of the party rather than being worn out. Party play limits are no different, and unless we dramatically drop into something more deep and personal without a script then I have to keep my third eye.

OMG this sounds like I’m setting ground rules and advertising my services, but no, really its all about how I am able to switch myself on and off again. I am glad I can be that brave again because I lost that, and my wonderfully clear line between real and party/casual/professional play got blurred so I ran away. This time I’m fighting to look after myself, and not get involved in anything that is way bigger than I can handle. Little girls don’t do drama or complications, they just like to dream, act, have oodles of fun and love and be looked after and I’m exactly the same. But my big girl head is on again as Emma Bishop when I’m acting professionally, and that will protect me again in my personal life like it used to.

Personal = could go anywhere
Professional = stays in a small circle.

Since I stopped working as a spanking model about a year ago, although I closed down my website and blogs around 2016, I’ve never stopped being involved in the scene. I’m much happier back here now and will say and write what the hell I want, outside of any personal rules I have again to stop me upsetting too many people or being too cheeky or bratty online, or staying up past my bedtime!. My parents aren’t in here and I don’t have a Sir/Mentor/Disciplinarian right now so I will do my best not to get banned or burn myself out, which is my usual problem! My rock isn’t here any more to proof read and author my writing for typos and use his “legendary pedantry” (thanks Ellen Mae Davis) on me again, so I will do my best by myself. Discretion will always be assured, and no laundry airing of course just like I never ever did in the original ‘Bishy’s blog’ and ‘The Unsecret Diaries of Emma Bishop’. You have my word I will TRY and be a good girl 🙂

So what will I do? I will write about everything that comes into my head again, from my personal thoughts and feelings and experiences, implements or scenarios, to occasional topics of the day mixed in. I will try not to be nostalgic because I live in the present and want to be as good as my next challenge, not live off my past achievements. Until now I couldn’t write like this since i stopped blogging as Emma Bishop. I was always worried about what ‘people’ and those who knew me since would think, but I lost who I was. I wrote and scrapped hundreds of thoughts, posted and took down musings in seconds that took me an hour to write, and I felt trapped. I may run out of material, and new projects may not come along as easily or early as I hope but I will keep it going, even if it is to throw a tantrum about something!

I’m a ‘middle’ pretty much all the time in my real life and in my head, which means I identify as being around 14 years old, although my Daddy say’s i’m more like 9 and just trying to act older! Middles can pretty much be anywhere from 9 to 15 and I’m often very teenage and curious and aks alots of questions. It is so hard acting like an adult every day but i know I’m acting. I’m not crazy or deluded and its kinda complicated in a medical way but it’s just how I am. I need 9 hours sleep and early bedtimes, but I’m rubbish at keeping to rules and curfews so I get spanked lots and lots. I love little things too, have over 25 bears and my favourite books are the Alice Miranda series by Jacqueline Harvey. I also do other things and am very musical so I have to work on a major project which I am doing alongside this to keep me away from kink a bit!. I’m home again, I am me again, this is who I am and I’m staying right here 🙂

I am loving being back today as a spanking model and uploading some back catalog images on my other profile [https://fetlife.com/users/9830524]. There will be lots of new stuff soon and I will set up some shoots. i will blog again too once I get up and running. I said I quit in that post almost a year ago, but I’ve had so many people telling me it was too early as I have so many ideas and things to do,

Anyway, I was thinking I would love to be in another film or long role play again. Maybe as the new school secretary, who lied on her CV. Something like..she truanted a whole school year to party abroad on cruises with her rich parent’s and their friends. Her CV is now security checked and she has to confess or be reported to the authorities for giving false information. Her punishment is that she has to go back to finish schooling in this school for a whole year, and to live with and be the ward of the Headmaster. He has to make sure she is disciplined at home too. So ermm..she is in uniform at school and at home, and he chooses a new teenage wardrobe of short skirts and flat shoes for her when she goes out with her new family.

I think this would suit me because I could just be myself all the time, but act older as the snobby school Secretary to start with. I hope I get to do this and some films again, my mind is racing!!

So… due to many requests since I quit, comments and changes in circumstances, I decided to get back to doing a little of what I know. For anyone who has been friends with me or followers of this moi here crazy girl these past few years, you will already know I’m not a regular good girl and need discipline. I go with my gut and heart (or always used to, but made dumb unchecked decisions lately). I go off and run away at huge whims, serial procrastinate, compromise to save other people’s feelings, get myself into awkward pickle situations and rarely ask for much in return from anyone.

This time I am being totally selfish and putting myself first. I am putting myself back into survival and hungry mode again, even though I am doing fine and don’t have to, because that is always the time I feel my best. I have tried looking through haystacks and they were full of worms dressed up as maggots, and I have tried fitting into nice little boxes and I felt trapped and lonely. Now I am breaking out, and having as much fun as I can fit into my life without burning out again. Without discipline I may be crying in my coffee before long, but I’m gonna try to act like I’m a grown up again until I get some help.

I will no longer apologise for being a spanking model, or change course because that is denying I ever lived. I will no longer apologise for being geekily weirdly different, even though it’s now a popular bandwagon to be on with all kinds of available labels. All of these pieces that make me weird make me alive and real, and I have found them again in my toy box. I am going to care less about what people think and believe in myself much more from now on, and trust my gut again!.