I always saw role play as “a way in”. In my work as a model it meant I could set the boundaries and give people their scene, so it kept me safe and I never had to roam, experiment, or go outside of method acting if I needed to bring it in. I never had to do anything more than be myself through a character. I got to the stage where people used to write testimonials on my website and say they had never known such reality before. One or two wrote privately to call off future dates because they got scared that I got too close to reality. They told me they felt awkward that it was like spanking a real schoolgirl age girl, and it made them uncomfortable as parents/responsible adults. I never used to act and only tapped into method if it was going so slow that I wanted to depict some emotion, even though my limits we high and I had it so covered it became a routine.
What people didn’t know was that an early experience movie I made called ‘A Visit to the School Governors’, which was a fly on the wall ‘live’ filmed drama broke me afterwards and changed my role plays forever. I hated taking off my school uniform afterwards because it has always been a part of where I am, never a fantasy or thrill. A lost normal childhood, memories I have to catch up on, and doing things for the first time, which I still am. I cried in the arms of my famous co-star ‘tog’ who was my muse, in the empty pub afterwards as the staff were sweeping up with no idea. I didn’t want to leave school I wanted to go back to the dormitory.
I always had films in my head as a child of being in a 1950’s type girls school and having real corporal punishment, but most of my dreams were so vivid and more to do with being included rather than the discipline. It was unsexy as you can get, but harrowing, like being in the Magdalene Asylums, a film that makes me shake and cry like I had lived it. I have past life flashbacks so deep I can touch them like I know my way around and I brought them into my work.
So, being told I am being expelled and will never see my friends again in a film or role play can break me. Being excluded or told I’m not good enough is the worst thing anyone can do to me. I know that feeling so well and have seen it in my dreams and I can’t take away the reality so it will always show.
So, you wanna role play with me? Sure, if you think you could really get to know and love me and let me be my real self. But if you just want to do a ‘scene’ on the surface, please don’t let me be myself so I can act as an adult pretending to be a schoolgirl, or you may get more than you wanted.
Written for those who wanted to hear part of my story, and, after I read this and didn’t want to explain:
Here are some latest pictures after my boyfriend spanked me: