..is that since I came back from Cancun in December I have not been well. I have managed to go to TASSP, seen something of Dallas and Nashville and the South of France (all of which I loved), but it has been tough, draining and tiring and has taken all of my ‘The Trouble with emma’ spirit and energy to get through what I committed myself to.
My friend said yesterday on holiday in Nice that she just wants the emma she knows back because “you’re not the emma I know, you’ve lost your glow and this is not you”. I guess like most of my scene life I’m just good at putting on a happy face and getting the job done, but this time it is harder than I’ve ever known.
Simply, I have an eye problem with my eye muscles and possibly my nervous system. It could be as simple as having caught a tropical disease that affected my system as I got bitten in the jungle, to light sensitivity, or something more debilitating, and I am very scared. I am writing to my local Doctor tomorrow and have letters from three other Doctors recommending I see a specialist in optic neurology. I also have a muscular problem with my right arm that may be connected. I have had routine blood tests all of which have found nothing so far. My eyes and vision are healthy and there are no signs of anything worrying deep in my eyes I am told.
From now on, now I have fulfilled all my promises and engagements to everyone I am keeping it local and simple. I am staying close to my parents and friends and cannot offer anything else to anyone else until I am better. I am not travelling out of around a 15 mile radius or short car rides and door to door trains so no more holidays or any kind of social events for a while either. I will be a recluse and play my music and write songs and record and stick to the things I did once before when I was a shy outsider to all of this scene stuff. I always go back to what I know when I have had to run away before for my sanity and I hope that will keep me strong this time.
I just wanted you all to know. I so want to be better and run 5k again with both eyes open and not worrying about falling over or bumping into a tree or people. I want to get through a movie without squinting my eyes and I want to be able to drive long distances with the wind in ny hair and my music loud. It is the not knowing that scares me, but I do know whatever it is I will face it and do my to be the bravest little girl I can be again 🙂