Today I remembered how much I love being a spanking model and how much happier I am getting something out of it for myself too. I had so much fun again today in London with a new friend, and maybe that type of pro spanking session was always safest and perfect for me. I have tried being myself and very private and having a Daddy and relationships with people in the scene, but they eventually upset me, so now all I remember are the tears and pain of feeling like I wasn’t good enough. “Scene players only fuck you up”, that is in my head now. I no longer trust scene people much anymore to be loyal, so I feel safer only being spanked if I get paid, because nobody gets too close.
I dreamt of the perfect D/s situations all my life, only to find it’s not like in my fairy tale book and my Princes were the vanilla ones I met when I least expected to, like in a lift, and I wished they were dominant. I wanted to be liked for myself first and not my bottom, so that I could say “by the way I like being spanked” afterwards, and know that was just the icing on the perfect cake and didn’t make all the difference.
On the other hand I have had people falling in love because I have been too “realistic” in role play and they thought I was sub-spacing all over them, when really I lost myself emotionally and wanted pain and to punish myself, when I was already broken up inside by too much ‘play’ with scene people. I made it about me, but it should never be about me. If I am not in a relationship and don’t totally adore someone and look up to them from down on my knees, and want them to see my whole raw emotional self, then what’s the point anymore in letting people play and hit me with things for nothing? I hated going home feeling empty and numb from play with people who would go back to their alter ego lives and partners, when I was always being just myself. I am dangerous to myself if I can give out wrong messages too, so it’s better to stick to business. Parties are the exception. Parties I get to explore in a safe situation with friends without giving too much of me away, and I can laugh and enjoy, knowing that it’s a semi game and I can try new experiences.
Today I was professional. Today I was back to my best. Today I smiled and had fun, Today I kept my line in the sand and remembered how much I love being spanked and connecting with people who do it well. Today I felt good enough and was chosen because I’m actually someone who mattered to someone, and not because I wanted to be hurt. Today I feel it was a level playing field and nobody got hurt :). Tomorrow if i go shopping I can say I got what I deserved!