Personal Observation #1

I learnt a new word yesterday. I’m a total ‘Sapiophile’. I never knew there was such a big word to describe what I have always loved most in people, but it explains my choices and what makes me happiest way before anything physical. If I knew the word for it before it would have saved me a lot of heartache in scene situations and hours of wasted typing, where I got bored and ran away or gave up, thinking there was something wrong with me wanting too much from others, and that I’m a nerdy geeky girl who takes my submission too seriously in the ‘scene’ and is no fun.

I never actually ever cared to be in the ‘scene’ in the first place, I just fell into it by chance and an approach from my Svengali, because I love acting and being a model and it was the arena to be in to get on. Privately I’m not the same, my submission is not a game or role play in real life. Yes i’m still geeky and weird and very immature, but I have a new word for how I am now. I love having fun, but just full on intelligent fun that tests me out daily and challenges me and beats me and never stops!. I miss intelligent conversations with some people but the cost of the drama that always went with it was too much for a little girl, my head exploded and I was emotionally broken by the angst of having to compete and sneak around situations. The worst thing anyone can do is hide me away and ask me not to be myself and to have to switch on and off some kind of ‘play’ button to a vanilla one. If I was a grown up lady or scene player I could do it, but I’m not so it hurt me so much, and I was lying and denying myself being happy and true to myself.

I was the luckiest girl in the world to have lived with a brilliant mind and I never ran out of things to ask him and learn. I’m still very Eliza Doolittle but I just speak more properly now too, not like the North London cockney accent sparrer I once woz! 🙂 That’s why I also take school seriously, it’s never about being punished it’s about doing my best. I always wanted to go to a girls grammar school like my mother did, she spoke well too but I got in with the wrong crowd growing up on an estate. I wouldn’t have changed it for the world though because real people are there and it made me streetwise and not a posh plum mouth speaking sheltered life snob who hasn’t ever lived, but I was glad to learn better elocution as an actress. I got the cane from him every time I said “you know” or glottel stopped my words or used slang.

Now I may put this new word ‘sapiophile’ at the top of my profile to keep timewasters away who don’t understand me or can’t spell. I’m proud to be a princess and my biggest challenge to myself is to act like one every day, but I need help too. Luckily I have like minded people around who I can learn from and be looked after by, that’s the biggest drug anyone can give me, even better than chocolate! 🙂

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