word, four simple letters, but a mountain

I was just loving a fantastic writing The distance (or difference) between want and need. Once again I don’t want to be the one to write a longer comment than the original post because it’s a wonderful post about someone else’s feelings, so I am writing what I feel here for playback to myself in a few months as I try to grow up a bit more.

I usually know what I WANT and in what order to do things, things I know I’m good at and I can do on auto pilot, but I get sidetracked by taking on too much and not looking after myself so I’m healthy, happy and organised, so I need, …I mean I “like to have” help. NEED is a word I’m afraid of.

I cannot say the word ‘need’, I cannot bring myself to dump my weaknesses on anyone. Sometimes I have really wanted to say that word and I’ve been so sure in my mind I meant it, but something holds me back; a fear of being “needy” or desperate for attention, a knowing that I’m competing in the needy stakes with others who will play the needy card, sometimes as a tactic. So I refuse to be the weak or needy one and sell myself out completely to someone and feel stupid and used that I gave myself too easily to needing them. So I play the “I don’t care” strong one card and lie to myself even to the point of giving up or denying myself what I really want and need.

I have never said it in my life before, ever, but I have wanted too so much, like saying “I love you”, it’s as big a thing to say. It’s like Cameron Diaz in “The Holiday” when she couldn’t ever cry, until it came when she least expected it to. I have exactly the same blockage and fear, but I think it’s because I have had to be brave and strong for so long when there was nobody there to look after me and I had to survive on my own. That type of experience makes it harder to need anyone, even when I’m shaking like a leaf inside and want my mum back some days. If I ever get to say “I need you” and mean it then I will want to stay forever and never feel needy inside or have to say it again. If I say it once, it’s for real and I will say it because I think I’m needed, and wanted too.

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