I was just loving a fantastic writing The distance (or difference) between want and need. Once again I don’t want to be the one to write a longer comment than the original post because it’s a wonderful post about someone else’s feelings, so I am writing what I feel here for playback to myself in a few months as I try to grow up a bit more.

I usually know what I WANT and in what order to do things, things I know I’m good at and I can do on auto pilot, but I get sidetracked by taking on too much and not looking after myself so I’m healthy, happy and organised, so I need, …I mean I “like to have” help. NEED is a word I’m afraid of.

I cannot say the word ‘need’, I cannot bring myself to dump my weaknesses on anyone. Sometimes I have really wanted to say that word and I’ve been so sure in my mind I meant it, but something holds me back; a fear of being “needy” or desperate for attention, a knowing that I’m competing in the needy stakes with others who will play the needy card, sometimes as a tactic. So I refuse to be the weak or needy one and sell myself out completely to someone and feel stupid and used that I gave myself too easily to needing them. So I play the “I don’t care” strong one card and lie to myself even to the point of giving up or denying myself what I really want and need.

I have never said it in my life before, ever, but I have wanted too so much, like saying “I love you”, it’s as big a thing to say. It’s like Cameron Diaz in “The Holiday” when she couldn’t ever cry, until it came when she least expected it to. I have exactly the same blockage and fear, but I think it’s because I have had to be brave and strong for so long when there was nobody there to look after me and I had to survive on my own. That type of experience makes it harder to need anyone, even when I’m shaking like a leaf inside and want my mum back some days. If I ever get to say “I need you” and mean it then I will want to stay forever and never feel needy inside or have to say it again. If I say it once, it’s for real and I will say it because I think I’m needed, and wanted too.

I just saw a question in a group I belong to and wanted to write about it here. I’ve had an epiphany, a true realisation, and really do feel it was all meant to be this way like a birthright. This was the post:
What’s up with princesses?

“Some girls identify as princesses, and I’m wondering what they get out of it? And what would their romantic partners get out of it? I’m wondering what the real vibe of the dynamic is, because I’m pretty sure my mental map is wrong. When I think princess, I think spoiled rotten… and that’s just not the type of person I’d want in my life. Maybe other people like spoiled rotten, but I kinda doubt it. So what’s the real deal?”

I was renamed Princess Emma by an ex Daddy and it was a huge surprise because I never felt worthy enough to be one, despite spending my whole life as a model living by high standards for myself, and never being tacky in my work or pictures or undignified in my writings about people. Of course showing my bottom is tacky and not how a princess should act publicly but it was ‘acting’ a role, I’m a trained professional actress and it is no different to a sexy love scene to me; performing a part or fantasy for someone professionally. I never stripped (apart from in one very short relevant spanking scene on film) and I never performed any sexual acts with anyone or even simulated it. I worked hard to be professional and discreet and the type of girl people may trust and value as a friend.

When he named me as a princess I just saw it as any other name he could have given me, like it was just to claim me into his family, because my sister was a princess too. I remember giggling and thinking it all very grown up to be called a princess and I didn’t truly believe in it then, it still is grown up to a middle. I guess though to lots of people in the ‘scene’ princesses are boring and no fun and are not desperate to run loose, swing, or break bread with any old Joe, so this is perhaps not really the best place to write from my ivory tower, but a Prince would understand.

Since I am a princess I’ve grown into it, so “getting something out of it” is because I earned the title in someone else’s eyes. That’s the best type of compliment, so I have tried harder to be even more worthy to my friends and remember my title since I have a duty to act like a princess.

My first boyfriend in the scene called me ‘Princess’ from our first date in Paris where he gave me my first taste of Kir Royale. Whenever he picked me up from the airport we would go to the same restaurant and each time I had Kir. I didn’t understand it then and thought it was fizzy pop like cola and he was just trying to make me feel welcome there where he lived, but maybe he knew something I didn’t understand then even though I always dressed like a princess. That was 8 years ago but I can see that now, I realise.

I do say, half jokingly, “I’m a Princess” in real life too, and the people in my vanilla life seem to accept that I am in some way so they humor me I guess, but to me I know I am worthy now. So even if I leave Fetlife and never have another kinky thought in my entire life, I’m a princess for the rest of my life now.

If someone has to ask the question
“What’s up with Princesses” then they are not a Prince. A Prince can always tell a princess and will treat her like one.

I wrote this in my new blog yesterday, as a statement of my wants and needs. It was something I always wanted to say but never could. I never ask or tell or explain my feelings about all of this stuff, and it has gotten me into all kinds of misunderstandings and relationships that were wrong. Although I thought they had the potential to work so I tried, my first instincts told me there was something missing. A light went on after my holiday so I thought it was time to say what I want, and start to find it, so now I’m really happy because I suddenly find myself talking to people who are on the same page so I don’t feel stupid or get treated weirdly anymore. This was my post in my website blog. I’m a happy girl today! :

Being my Daddy

My Daddy will know what to say and how to be.
Even if he is the best actor in the world I will see through that and test him out until I am sure and it may take time and I will make mistakes sometimes, because I am a babygirl middle not an adult who knows how to be, and I have a soft welcoming heart and hate hurting anyone. I’m smart and he will have to be uber intelligent to conquer me and keep me stimulated and on my toes 🙂

He will not be playing a role or pretending to be in charge of me, he will just do it because that’s how he lives, he is THE Boss. I won’t have to tell him what my needs are, he will size me up and know he has the measure of me. He will not expect me to train him to be my Daddy or to know how to deal with me, a Daddy is a Daddy and just knows everything and is like a hero to a young lady. No middle or little girl anywhere in real life ever had to ask her Daddy how to look after her or how hard to punish her, he will find out for himself because he has a way so he will not be afraid or timid to get it wrong, he won’t and he knows it. He does not have to be a member of any scene or practice on a hundred victims to be “good at it” or to big his insecure ego up, he commands respect everywhere because he knows he is brilliant. He will have a manner and an aura that will give me butterflies daily, I will know it, he will know it, and he will know we should be together.

He will teach, train and punish me with love when I need it because I want him to, he is my choice and I will trust him and he knows I will be the better for it. I hate the word “train” but Daddy will do it because he knows I always saved myself for him to be the one, but I will fight against it because of my fear of giving up what I hold dear too easily to anyone who is not my hero. He will put me back in school with him so I can finish my education and love me too and make decisions for me as any little girl needs. He will order for me, send me to bed on time and spank me soundly to remind me to be his good little girl. He will buy me presents when I’m good and praise me when I do well so I know I have pleased him.

He will manage my schedule and tuck me into bed too when he can, and read me a bedtime story. He will show me off and be proud to dress me up and I will do and say things I always wanted to and wear what I love. Pleasing Daddy means the world to me and if you could see my face it would glow like a beacon to do that.

Above all he will be his own person and be confident that he can protect and look after me and keep people away from me who may hurt me.
I have compromised and settled for players and let myself feel like a number two. I will never do that again because I’m awesome and want to be Daddy’s special girl. If a Daddy does not think I’m his pride and joy then he should not be my Daddy anymore because I will feel i’m not good enough and I am worthy of much more because I will give much more. A little girl’s love for her Daddy is bigger than anything else.

Being a Daddy to me is huge, a feeling I can’t describe. It’s more important than a King or any Dom and my heart is like any princess teenager with hopes and dreams. Any fool with a cane can be a Dom to a newbie with stars in their eyes, few can be a Daddy/Dom to those who know the difference.

I don’t know this special man yet and it may take forever like waiting for a Prince, but when I do, I will just know. I hope he will find me in the rough and I will shine like a diamond when he does.