Words that make me go eeeK!!

I had a misunderstanding this week from a perfectly friendly and innocent message. I was having a busy and stressful day (no excuse I know) so I turned it into a bratty rant because I didn’t take his profile as seriously as it is. Much of my reply was me laughing in my car, tongue in cheek, and thinking a bit like “Oh not another one…who the hell is this one!?” but I didn’t really mean it at all. I was just pretty sulky and mad. I’d been fed up with so many messages I’ve got that are creepy and certain familiar words used so I treated this one in the same way. But when I read it again later after I had replied, and read his profile properly, it was really nice and I liked it and I felt like a ninny, but nevertheless I screwed up and own that. I apologised to make myself feel less misunderstood because I hate loose ends and people thinking ill of me when they have never met me and it’s only words on a screen between strangers, but the next time I get a decent message I won’t say anything much at all and won’t make any stupid opinions or judgements until I read it deeply. Or, I won’t reply at all.

Anyway, these are some words I have had in the past few months that can make me have less tolerance on a bad day than usual. Most of the time I play along happily, and bite my lip but reply in a better way :

‘Master’ – I just eeek at that word and have an issue with people who strut around in the scene with that title in game plays. I do not judge people who use it in their own relationship situations of value and commitment, but please don’t ever PM me and ask me to call you ‘Master’ just because you play at it or have someone calling you it in Fetlife and you signed off as one in the message to me. I will not call someone ‘Master’ if I have no idea who they are or how credible they are, and their reputation in the scene for having lots of ‘subs’ or play partners in the scene counts for nothing. The best you will get from me is “Dear Sir” said in a business sense….eeek!!!

‘Sir’ – Apart from in a role play situation (like Teacher/Student), I never call anybody Sir from the start if I have not met them and agreed to be involved with them. I am the most willing to do so once I feel valued and that I have earned the right to myself. It does not mean I do not respect the fact they have a title that they value, it just means I value it so much in my heart, having had a Mentor I respected once when neither of us was in the scene, so I will only use it again when they know I value them too. However, I have very rarely called someone ‘Sir’ after not knowing them long, sometimes I just know, it’s the aura, but it’s face to face aura so I can feel it, not online words…eeek!!!

Train – Nobody can train me to be a submissive, it runs through my veins and always has, I do not switch or fence sit or play at this, I am at one with my identity. I can be trained in the way my partner wants me to be for them in our relationship, in the same way a boyfriend and girlfriend get to know what each other likes, and in a way that will help me grow. The word ‘train’ in the scene conjures up to me being made to try out BDSM things under duress and game play to see what I like or don’t, but being forced to like them or I’m not a proper ‘sub’. I have been trained without knowing I was being, subtely, that’s how I see Domination and it needs few words. But please don’t tell me or the world I am being ‘trained’ like a guinea pig, that does not make me feel like a submissive at all but an exhibit for your benefit. When I’m yours, tell me, and then the world but not before…….eeek!!!

‘Poly’ – I am not against poly relationships or having one again. Maybe I should write that in big letters. I have had a poly relationship and it was the happiest time of my life. It was new to me and I messed up and didn’t cope well, but there was huge misunderstanding again and I was jealous and confused and I didn’t mean to be, I am immature, it sucks to be. I just wish someone had sat me down and explained it more to me and what to look out for that’s all. It does not mean I am not the right type or that I don’t like poly relationships. It just means I got it wrong one time, the first time I tried it, but I learned so much from it that I know what to look out for in myself next time and how to deal with things and communicate better. I am against people who call themselves ‘poly’ as an excuse to play the field and groom other friendships and play outside of a loyal commitment to someone who they have a label with. That makes me feel used and undervalued. I loved being in a poly family where I felt loved and I loved back, I do not like poly scene players at all.

I hate talking about big stuff, but this upset me to be misunderstood again and the other person not knowing why I reacted like that so I have done it now and eeek eeek!!!!!

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