This is quick because usually I write too much and ramble on, and also my dinner is ready in 15 minutes so I’m not even going to spell check it!
Since I came back into this site I have changed, but not really, just that I decided to stop and think about how I FEEL, me…how I FEEL and not what people want me to be, and then me trying to fit that just so people like me so I don’t feel stupid or totally like a freak. When I very first ever was doing any of this it was 12 years ago as a schoolgirl in an an adult 3 day boarding school in the scene at an event I went to in Wales. I was happy and it was about being me and nothing at all to do with being punished by anyone. I didn’t go to school to play pretend games or be spanked and deliberately get in trouble I just wanted to be where I felt safe and right in my head, and have lessons and fun. I cried when I had to take of my uniform and go home. I somehow found that girl again by accident when I was role playing back in school again with people in the past few weeks and I know I am a bit older now, well I’m 12 and a half age wise now and it just feels like I got there by myself! Even things like, I always wear socks not stockings and I used to hate having to dress up in them for role plays I was asked to do as an older schoolgirl because it felt silly, but i did them because I can act really good but I faked it and it was not the same for me and I have really grown into the age I am now. Some people actually really get that now and if they look at my timeline and know me really well and have done for a while, they will understand that it’s real and it makes me happy when they do. Being real and carrying on where I am really up to in my life makes me happy plus i’m making new friends like me and doing all the things I love. My behaviour isn’t great right now and I am all over the place because things are different for me again and i’m very unsettled, but i’m having such a good time. But I’m as scared as I have ever been and totally not as confident and I am never sure what to say to people I used to easily be able to just tell everything to. My coloring books are back out and I am enjoying what I LIKE to do and want to do in my own bedroom and not to impress anyone by trying to write big stuff online like I used to try and do and tie myself in knots worrying about how cool it looks. I hope people who already know me will still like me but if they don’t then I cant help that. I want to be me now and I am never changing back again to trying to be someones sub and just putting up with things going on around me that hurt me and make me cry in relationships where I feel i’m not good enough and then I get insecure and worried, because I am not old enough. I’m not an adult so if anyone wants a sensible adult then go and find someone else and leave me alone please and don’t even ask to know me and don’t even care about me. The same applies to Masters and people wanting to do BDSM, I don’t like it it’s too grown up and I think it’s stupid too.
The whole point of this is that it’s taken me all this time to accept I’m a middle and not an adult and I’ve actually come out and said it now so I feel so happy!!! 😀