A nice man just sent me a link to this page Daddy’s tender touch and it explains to me so much about why I’m not into BDSM and playing games and why I have felt as happy and loved away from the scene in private with one person as I have in it. The only games I have played have been in films and in private sessions where I’m asked to perform, or having spanking fun at parties and events I go to where I know it’s harmless fun. I love acting, it’s fun to act grown up too. Most of my pictures are real. I like being in the scene though so I am staying for now.

Anyway I don’t expect many people to get this in this site but I have learned so much about myself lately and admitted things to myself and friends that I never could before because I felt all these serious ‘Doms’ or ‘subs’ I’m friends with would think I’m making it all up in some weird way. I don’t care if it puts new friends off of me because I am not looking to collect any just so I can say i’m popular. I’m geeky and different and I know that and it’s enough for me. It’s hard talking to people I hardly know online and I’m scared to sometimes cos I know they have better things to do, and anyway some people just call everything “drama” if its not easy and just about playing or talking about spanking or BDSM kinky things.

I have even found a name for it, for what I have been going through in a mentally and physical way too for a few years. I have come out a ‘middle’ /teen and explained it’s not a game to me but how I am in my real life every day. I will never be a big player, because it’s always from the very first time anyone scolded me or hugged me in the scene…TOTALLY real to me and not a lifestyle but more like the importance of actually trying to grow up for the first time again and I am trying my hardest to do it without looking stupid while still trying to stay in here with my friends who I care about. I don’t need to go to parties to play every time, I go because I like bits of spanking fun and to socialise with people I care about, to see my acquainted friends and make new ones. But even then I’m always happiest in a private room one on one or in a quiet corner. I am not into “sessions” really, they seem weird to me and just playing and then having tea afterwards and switching it off and on, but I appreciate those who do, which is probably the majority of people I’ve met so I guess they are doing it all right.

This bit below says everything in a way I could never do before, and that’s why I think I’ve cared so much more and acted emotionally different than people have expected me to, but they did not understand and that hurt me even more. Not everyone in the scene is the same or wants the same things or types of people. I know that now and have accepted the players too but only as far as that goes and I will never get too close to any of them anymore:

“A Top is for tonight, a Dominant is for as long as she is submissive, a Master is there until she is no longer a slave, but a Daddy is forever”.

This is quick because usually I write too much and ramble on, and also my dinner is ready in 15 minutes so I’m not even going to spell check it!

Since I came back into this site I have changed, but not really, just that I decided to stop and think about how I FEEL, me…how I FEEL and not what people want me to be, and then me trying to fit that just so people like me so I don’t feel stupid or totally like a freak. When I very first ever was doing any of this it was 12 years ago as a schoolgirl in an an adult 3 day boarding school in the scene at an event I went to in Wales. I was happy and it was about being me and nothing at all to do with being punished by anyone. I didn’t go to school to play pretend games or be spanked and deliberately get in trouble I just wanted to be where I felt safe and right in my head, and have lessons and fun. I cried when I had to take of my uniform and go home. I somehow found that girl again by accident when I was role playing back in school again with people in the past few weeks and I know I am a bit older now, well I’m 12 and a half age wise now and it just feels like I got there by myself! Even things like, I always wear socks not stockings and I used to hate having to dress up in them for role plays I was asked to do as an older schoolgirl because it felt silly, but i did them because I can act really good but I faked it and it was not the same for me and I have really grown into the age I am now. Some people actually really get that now and if they look at my timeline and know me really well and have done for a while, they will understand that it’s real and it makes me happy when they do. Being real and carrying on where I am really up to in my life makes me happy plus i’m making new friends like me and doing all the things I love. My behaviour isn’t great right now and I am all over the place because things are different for me again and i’m very unsettled, but i’m having such a good time. But I’m as scared as I have ever been and totally not as confident and I am never sure what to say to people I used to easily be able to just tell everything to. My coloring books are back out and I am enjoying what I LIKE to do and want to do in my own bedroom and not to impress anyone by trying to write big stuff online like I used to try and do and tie myself in knots worrying about how cool it looks. I hope people who already know me will still like me but if they don’t then I cant help that. I want to be me now and I am never changing back again to trying to be someones sub and just putting up with things going on around me that hurt me and make me cry in relationships where I feel i’m not good enough and then I get insecure and worried, because I am not old enough. I’m not an adult so if anyone wants a sensible adult then go and find someone else and leave me alone please and don’t even ask to know me and don’t even care about me. The same applies to Masters and people wanting to do BDSM, I don’t like it it’s too grown up and I think it’s stupid too.

The whole point of this is that it’s taken me all this time to accept I’m a middle and not an adult and I’ve actually come out and said it now so I feel so happy!!! 😀

Experience: Knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed, encountered, or undergone. (Note the word .. ‘observed’)

With the outbreak of ‘Fifty Shades’ fever, and posts and advice I’ve read from people in the ‘scene’ about how to ‘join’, I had another big realization recently. That ‘experience’ does not mean being a player in the scene and going to parties. Experience does not always mean playing with hundreds of people to be good at it technically, some people just are.

It occurred to me that some of the best spanking situations I’ve ever had have been with people who are not ‘scene’ at all and are private and have never been to a munch or party, or had much experience privately. Yet they are amazingly brilliant and accurate in every way; from using all the right words, to the head space to the physical accuracy, to the aftercare. How come? Of course there are scene people who are just as adept, but the connection is what counts, not who you know in the scene.

Anyway, I am pleased to say I’ve never judged anybody new to the lifestyle on how much they ‘play’ in the scene or what munches they attend, only on how they connect. I guess that’s the real ‘Christian Grey’ effect. When I do connect like this then I’m glad they are not ‘scene’ because I know it’s real and special between us. Surely that is the whole essence of real D/s with people born to be it, well before there was ‘play’ and a ‘scene’? So, I welcome the ‘inexperienced’ and more private, whether that be the 50 shaders or born to be lurkers who haven’t yet been to a munch. Although I do LOVE a party too, I get to see my friends to have the right type of kinky yummy fun and explore a little. If people have lots of ‘scene’ “experience” and the Christian Grey effect then maybe they didn’t need parties to give them the ‘experience’ anyway!

Footnote: Before any soothsayers gives me some advice, this is in no way saying to ever trust anyone easily in this lifestyle, and is not advice to the curious or new entrants to disregard safety checks as laid out in all of these great forum groups to help 😀