I posted this (below) in the Lolita Girls group I belong too but wondered if anyone else outside our group has any advice on when to write and how to write better. I an really looking for some help and advice now on how you feel when you write posts and comments in Fetlife. Maybe i’m just not ready to join in at this level, even though in ‘real’ life I can write OK like with office work stuff. I don’t know anymore, but I just feel pretty rubbish writing anything at all now.
I’ve been in this site about four years now and at one time I used to post things really confidently and even had my own blog. I even had people telling me to write a book once, but I had a role to play and image to keep up and I used to love being a spanking model and writing about this stuff, it was like being a real princess and important person who everyone wanted to read about. I always used to stay away from threads that had people disagreeing and going round in circles because that means I have to really understand things heavily and deeply before I write anything because they are all so good and feel much more mature to me like I look up to them, not like my own blog where I can say what the hell I want.. Lately though I’ve posted things and then stepped back and read what others say better than I do and then feel stupid like i’m totally on the wrong track like i didn’t even stick to the question.
OK my big problem is I don’t feel safe or happy anymore writing and HONESTLY like I am only happy in groups like ours and similar ones when I know i’m being myself because its so exhausting finding words to say in the other ones just to join in and not be boring in the community. I wish I could do this, it made me cry a little while ago and not I feel useless and totally like I should never post to adult spanking type group topic discussions ever again where there are so many people who are respected and I always like reading what they write . I know what i want to say but I never say it right or find the words and in the way others do and I click ‘send’ and then think OMG that looks silly now after others have posted things that make sense in the discussion.
Do any of you have problems trying to join in to discussions and knowing you are just acting it and you feel a bit out of place, or can you turn your big and little/middle side off? I can’t, I really really cant and it hurts and even worse that nobody gets it apart from people in here and its getting me down now and i keep wanting to leave the whole freakin site again forever 😦 Any advice on writing better too even if i have to fake it?
I just wrote this in the Lolita group I belong to in here but I’m adding and editing it as a writing because I am fed up with some of the messages I have been getting from people who haven’t read anything about me as a person and just want to go straight into asking me about kinky stuff. So here is more about me, I want to say this now…..
hmm where do I start! I’m Emma and I am English and live in the UK but I have more friends in the US and lived there too for a short time. I have always been a ‘middle’ late teenager ever since I can remember and even before I got into the scene, but I seem to have stayed there however hard I try and most people never really understand this. I wish so much I could help it and not be this way. I started out with a mentor once before I knew there was a scene like this. I have been in spanking films when I was in school uniform and told I was too ‘realistic’ and a good actress, but it was not acting at all and took me days to come down and lots of tears and hurting myself that I was not actually in school anymore. I had a bad time at real school so when I did all day schools, boarding school days and films it was about being in school I liked best and not because of the spanking stuff we did, that was like a fun bonus because I needed discipline too and it went on in schools once anyway so was realistic to me. I went into adult day schools actually trying to be good and not get punished at all, in fact I cried when I did because I felt angry I wasn’t a good pupil, but the standards were high and I’m not that great at everything and do talk too much so I got punished anyway. A few people got that and wanted to work with me and I ended up having a good career as a spanking model, and also taking proper professional method acting lessons a few years later too so I could play more grown up roles better, but that was just a way into living my characters’ lives. I love movies (watching the entire Twilight Box set right now and Frozen) and everything girls of my brain age do. I am a singer and songwriter and musician now and have been doing this since I was little but I also do office work too.
In ‘real’ life I am an adult on paper, I know that it’s a fact I can’t ignore and I must act as a grown up and try and be as responsible as I can, but I am not very good coping sometimes and have huge mood swings when I am unsettled by things that upset me and noone understands a lot apart from humoring me, I can see it in their faces, but I think some of my best friends do and that is enough to stop me going mad. Right now I am scared to be back in this whole site a little on my own but I try to join in and get over it but sometimes spend way too long in here. I want to make more friends like me who understand it’s not a game and I can talk to because a Doctor wouldn’t understand at all.
I also get annoyed that just because I can write well and am pretty intellectual and have good post school qualifications, that I must be practical, and organised, and responsible, and rational and “grown up” and unemotional and well behaved and disciplined. That’s rubbish because many real life teenagers/early twenties are already at world class universities and are brighter than I am too and more responsible. I want so much to feel grown up but it won’t come until I can grow into it naturally without having to try but I need more time and life experience. It’s like I was frozen and woke up one day and was stuck in a time warp and a lot of my memory was lost once too, it actually really happened like that, but anyway. I had some experiences but very few emotional and relationship ones, so I am still learning and finding my way through the minefield particularly with people in the scene. I actually hate being this way because it makes me scared and I am embarrassed that I’m like this. All I ask is understanding if I don’t always do things right with people and don’t act like I’m expected to be or am too silly and giggly a lot, but most times I can carry it off and fit in. I am not using this as any excuse to make allowances always for how I behave because most times I am good totally and I’m NOT looking to be ‘punished’. I do not attention seek or brat, I am just being myself and although sometimes I really do need spankings and guidance and discipline for my own good, I hate being punished when I really do let myself down and that’s the difference and it’s not sexy at all until maybe a long time later when I feel pride that I got through it. I still have a choice though so I hate it when people tell me off online or threaten things without knowing me or my real timeline or how to talk to me (saying stuff like wanting to do unspeakable grown up BDSM and very graphic sexual things to me). Once I know someone well and trust them I can start to explain and learn things and feel less stupid. The worst thing anyone can say to me is “grow up”, that is a red flag if they say it like I am doing this deliberately. Anyway, this is something else I always wanted to say for years but couldn’t find the words when I was a spanking model without feeling stupid and not as professional, so I hid behind my image but I was always real in the films.