I was reading an updated post from a US friend about her lack of profile, pictures and writings and how the lack of security in Fetlife is a worry for her, and it made me think. I’ve taken this on board myself a lot more lately and listened to my heart and my nearest and dearest so I’m trying to be far more economical now in my writing.
I’ve posted things before and then deleted them and it has made me feel awful afterwards, like I have destroyed some glorious memories. I have deleted many long and deep writings and photos in blogs and in here that have been a huge part of my life, and which I’ve loved at the time. It looks as if I had no journey as a person and submissive, no scars, no collateral damage, but of course I do and I’m still standing. The sadness, hurt, or upset I had at the moments I deleted them completely fogged out the good memories I had, but life is never perfect and emotions run high on all sides and I have made some stupid impulsive mistakes. I’m pretty sensitive but I try my best to deal with it daily, and it’s only because of the love and support I have in and out of kink that I cope better than I do in freefalling situations.
After deleting things, I immediately feel bad at the fact that lots of kind people had posted comments that are forever lost, because more than anything it was always like an uplifting affirmation that others may think the same way as me, or that I’m OK at something, or that hell you just like my bottom, whatever!. I’m more aware of the dangers of saying too much and of fuelling and making situations worse by posting my feelings at times I’m vulnerable or upset by things I see going on. I admit I get it all wrong a lot and go totally left field in my reactions.
Sometimes I want to leave here completely but I would miss my friends and many of those I connect with in pure spanko terms are on the other side of the water in the US. I was never very British anyway in how I am and in my nature and particularly about ‘BDSM’, so I try and go back to parties as much as I can. If I do ever leave here or go away for a long time it will be because something is so perfect enough in my life at that time, that I don’t need to say anything or stay around for anything more. I have never ‘played’ much or been a player and I bleed emotionally. I’m not perfect, but I’m me and I like myself a lot more today however much I screw up.
But the fog is clearing and today I feel more aware, so maybe I will just write what I really want one day and leave it here forever. People who get that will understand, and those who don’t see things in kink and beyond the same way will go their own way, they always do anyway and that’s their choice. Looking forward to lots of fun and seeing my friends soon.