I was reading an updated post from a US friend about her lack of profile, pictures and writings and how the lack of security in Fetlife is a worry for her, and it made me think. I’ve taken this on board myself a lot more lately and listened to my heart and my nearest and dearest so I’m trying to be far more economical now in my writing.

I’ve posted things before and then deleted them and it has made me feel awful afterwards, like I have destroyed some glorious memories. I have deleted many long and deep writings and photos in blogs and in here that have been a huge part of my life, and which I’ve loved at the time. It looks as if I had no journey as a person and submissive, no scars, no collateral damage, but of course I do and I’m still standing. The sadness, hurt, or upset I had at the moments I deleted them completely fogged out the good memories I had, but life is never perfect and emotions run high on all sides and I have made some stupid impulsive mistakes. I’m pretty sensitive but I try my best to deal with it daily, and it’s only because of the love and support I have in and out of kink that I cope better than I do in freefalling situations.

After deleting things, I immediately feel bad at the fact that lots of kind people had posted comments that are forever lost, because more than anything it was always like an uplifting affirmation that others may think the same way as me, or that I’m OK at something, or that hell you just like my bottom, whatever!. I’m more aware of the dangers of saying too much and of fuelling and making situations worse by posting my feelings at times I’m vulnerable or upset by things I see going on. I admit I get it all wrong a lot and go totally left field in my reactions.

Sometimes I want to leave here completely but I would miss my friends and many of those I connect with in pure spanko terms are on the other side of the water in the US. I was never very British anyway in how I am and in my nature and particularly about ‘BDSM’, so I try and go back to parties as much as I can. If I do ever leave here or go away for a long time it will be because something is so perfect enough in my life at that time, that I don’t need to say anything or stay around for anything more. I have never ‘played’ much or been a player and I bleed emotionally. I’m not perfect, but I’m me and I like myself a lot more today however much I screw up.

But the fog is clearing and today I feel more aware, so maybe I will just write what I really want one day and leave it here forever. People who get that will understand, and those who don’t see things in kink and beyond the same way will go their own way, they always do anyway and that’s their choice. Looking forward to lots of fun and seeing my friends soon.

In my last post I wrote on a day I was actually pretty happy with the world. There are things in ‘the scene’ that keep popping up in my face that I find hard to come to terms with, and I sometimes wonder if it’s just me being too fussy or if other girls like me (lifelong natural submissives) feel the same way. Recent reading has confirmed I’m a “good girl” who’s wants and needs are in one post in Fetlife as: “Good girls” choose. They are not chosen. They are much like any mythical creature in this respect. They will appear only when your worthiness demonstrated. They will stay only if your worth is proven. They have conditions, needs, wants. They have minds and hearts and bodies. All of which are yours to do with as you please, when you please……if you’re worthy.” The writer explains “Good girls” will always see you before you see them. If you spot one, it is only because they wished for you to. They are curious creatures and will often wander into your camp seemingly alone and unannounced. I say seemingly because the intelligent ones will never really be alone, having one of their own in hiding, ready to pull them from danger or give you a good thrashing. Make no mistake, “good girls” do not fear you. They are studying you. Estimating your value and worth. This is a crucial moment, for your actions here will determine whether they bolt or stand fast.”

All of this was a joy to read and it could have written every damm syllable myself to describe how I have always felt about the WHOLE D/s thing, not just labels. It was good to know I am not alone and many other girls loved the post.

Which brings me back to my last post. I was actually saying that I started off with an Ideology, my perfect partner for life, my Utopia. I did say that I wrote it in 2008. I had clear eyes, I was brave, I was hungry to learn, I was giving, I was forgiving, I was confident, and I was becoming known as a spanking model. I wrote the personal ad in 2008 when I was tired of being all spanked up by so many people and having nobody really love me enough to commit to me. I would happily have left the scene forever if I had true love and strong arms then, and didn’t feel like I was a calendar day appointment or weekend good time girl. I wrote from my heart then, I always did, but my Prince never came to rescue me. The reason I wrote about it was not to complain, or say I am looking for a Utopia anymore because that has been slowly beaten out of me and I am not in a position to embrace it right now anyway, but¬† it was to say that I have grown to accept ‘The scene’ for all its flaws, so I have been able to play more, judge less and have fun with many friends I have come to love and respect, on whatever terms we have.

However, I have had a few emails from people thinking I am available as a partner, or am looking for a new scene relationship. That is not the case, unless I am told otherwise or change my own mind first. I have a “Daddy/Scene Partner/Dom” or whatever you want to call it and I love him. I am loyal to that and I will honour what we have together, I’m not afraid to say it loud because it matters to me.