Where are my people?

I wonder what the hell I’m doing sometimes, and I feel like I have sold out to my beliefs and what I always understood D/s to really be. It has always been something I was born with and is a living drug inside my whole psyche. The nearest thing I saw to describing my feelings was when I saw ‘The Secretary’ film and saw so much of myself in the girl, because I was doing all of this with someone way before I knew there was even a ‘scene’ where people played at it and went to parties to “play”. The spanking action in the film wasn’t great but the psychology was perfect, they got it so right to what I was brought up with.

As a spanking model it was easy for me to use all of my natural submissiveness in a scene without acting because I never want to. I am trained to ignore cameras, but always did even before professional training, and I make it only about me and my disciplinarian so that it is as close as it can be for me to give me the experiences I need myself, so I try to lead it into reality if I can. Sometimes not all co-stars or film companies will go there, because it’s dangerous territory and relies on huge trust between actors ability and beyond sticking rigidly to the plot. Of course the goal is to meet the final objective, but how you get there can be easy, or complicated and most actors will go for the easy way because it’s a “job”. I am not doing films right now but have struggled with getting in too deep in some of my “play” sessions, so I had to walk away for periods to recover. I am like a few other method actors who get too wrapped up in their characters. I have done the same and it hurts and is one of the worst experiences ever and I admit I have had big moments of despair and wanting to hurt myself afterwards. I have left, but really I can’t. I am made this way, it is always here, even when it hurts emotionally.

I had a Mentor for years and that felt right for me at the time because he was settled and it was appropriate to keep it at arm’s length, and anyway we did not have “that” sort of connection. I was punished for real reasons, we never “played”, he never gave me a play spanking in over 5 years, it was real life. I never knew what a good girl spanking was until last year after lots of spanking activity with many people. I never really wanted a ‘Dom’ from the first moment I ever knew there was a ‘scene’ a few years ago, but I just couldn’t put the right words to what I wanted until about a year ago, and by pure chance quite recently I found that having a “Daddy” was the closest to it, and I am happy now and settled because I feel protected and cared for in the right way. I still shy away from serial players and those who are playing games or performing a topping service or trying to big up their own reputations, and I am still wary about it all around me in the scene. I will never queue up in a line of girls to be spanked by anyone, unless it’s a “Uniformed Tops” type play event and I can choose my leading man! They may well be fantastic technically and may totally do it for me in a mildly sexual way, but a real submissive always wants more when the line after play is crossed if there is a bigger connection, and most people are not in a position or brave enough to give that. I do enjoy party spanking games in the round though because I know they are games like pass the parcel and there is no pressure and you don’t have to have any real connection other than the chemistry in the play at that time. It’s easy and fun and giggly and I can walk away now without wondering “what if?”.

Right now I am having fun and I feel cared for and it’s part of a bigger friendship. But I admit that I’m a simple girl, all I ever wanted was a boyfriend and partner who spanks me and is not a big player in the scene at all and is happy with just us. I have had to compromise along the way and stumble around but that was always my utopia dream.In fact here is the only personal ad I ever posted in 2008 in a ‘Head of Household’ group:

I am re-posting my ad in here. I am in no hurry to find Mr Right as I am really busy and starting a college course tomorrow but just in case he is still out there and wants to take me in hand, why not. I have dated quite a few this year but most have been selfish BDSM ‘players’ in disguise as DD/HoH types or there has been no chemistry between us. I am attracted by intelligence, assertiveness and true gentlemen.

My perfect partner also happens to naturally assume the role of HoH (Head of Household) and manage Domestic Discipline in the home where spanking is given to maintain harmony (maintenance) and also as punishment for bad behaviour. I am not interested in ‘play’ partners, but seek real discipline for real reasons with someone special given in a personal and loving relationship. Also having a sensual and erotic side to discipline with that one special person I would love too. I will know my place with you but we will have an equal vanilla side in a relationship and make decisions and plans together, although his decision is final. I am not looking for a part time occasional/passing through situation but a normal bf/gf relationship like any other. I am NOT looking for a “Dom” or “Master” at all, but need DD (Domestic Discipline) as a deterrent and to help me function better. I love music (everything from Paramore to Alicia Keyes to Laura Nyro), shopping, eating out,movies, holidays abroad and travelling to big lively cities, theatre and visiting art galleries. I am a professionally qualified Marketing, Creatives and Web designer, have produced my own spanking movies (so very Media savvy), and spend much time online. I also things like short breaks in country cottages, holidays or short trips to European cities of culture and entertainment. I am not really a sun, sea and beach bum lol! You must be tall, attractive and presentable, well educated (so that I can learn from you (think of me as your Eliza Doolittle!), well spoken, articulate, solvent, intelligent, resourceful, creative and imaginative. You must become my best friend and soulmate. I am not looking for married men, liars, travelling businessmen staying in hotels looking for a quick fix, two-timers, or those who wish me to be their personal occasional “spankee” or “first reserve”, but a boyfriend of my own in a full relationship. I am a fun caring person (so I am told) and if you don’t think the same and know how to make me feel like I’m your Princess then please don’t bother. I am not interested in workaholics or people that will put me second and not make any effort in our relationship. Although I am submissive, I am nobody’s “doormat, “slut”, “bitch” or “whore” and hate all of those words that demean me. I expect you to be as interested in me as a person and friend as I am in you in all ways. In return i am a true submissive, so i am told, very loving and giving, creative and intelligent, fiercely loyal, but only to someone I can truly adore and who will truly love me for all I am. Think love, hugs, sensitivity and nurturing and you will likely be on my wavelength. I will not pleasure you unless you treasure me :)….. because I’m worth it! 

Sometimes I wonder who my own people are and I have to compromise along the way to fit in a lot. I read so much stuff in forums and think the whole Dom/sub thing has turned into a 50 shades playground and the mental connection and essence of what I always believed in is replaced by points scoring, trophy collection and some people thinking the only thing that matters is ability and how hard they hit someone. I have played with most of the best spankers and biggest names in the scene as a model and privately, so I know in my own mind who is “good” at it (if that’s all that matters to them) and what the levels are.  I am definitely a babygirl, that much I know, and all the politics and games can stay in the playground.

My Daddy spanked me yesterday and here are some pictures of my bottom and reactions!

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