From the girl who doesn’t do BDSM

Once upon a time I was a “spankee” and I didn’t do ‘BDSM’ and I still don’t in lots of grown up ways. There were always things I tried once (everything from candle wax to blindfolds). I didn’t mind them but was afraid to admit it, in case the other person may have wanted to give me more of it or up the level, or scare me too much thinking I wanted it. I still have a lot of hard limits and really only get my bottom spanked most of the time, but lately I’ve tried impact on my thighs and rather don’t mind it. I sessioned with someone earlier in this blog who used a tawse on my thighs. I hated it at the time and said I would never do it again, because it was very clinical and cold and hard and I didn’t know him at all before we met, so I was scared off and very upset by it all. Also I exceeded my professional play limits by a mile that day and wanted to be hurt and have pain to get over something emotionally, so it was all the wrong way to go about it and I won’t ever make that mistake again. My partner that day was very nice personally and obliging, but I just went too far out of the role play scene I had in mind. However, I remember coming home and enjoying looking at the marks I had afterwards and watching them turn into big purple bruises and then fade.

This is how I started out with my private and exclusive mentor long before I knew there was a ‘scene’ with other people doing the same thing and other girls getting spanked at home. I had virginal flesh as a newbie and I craved looking at my marks afterwards from his hard hand spankings alone and having the sting and sore bottom that lasted for ages. I still get it sometimes and always for real because it shows me who is in charge and reminds me of my boundaries when I misbehave. I hate it at the time but I always learn from it, particularly when I try to get my own way too much or make myself ill by totally ignoring the good advice and rules I have.

When I filmed with Spanked in Uniform  a few years ago (OMG was it that long?!), I still remember that as one of the times I had a very sore bottom that I couldn’t sit down, and I slept on my tummy when I went to bed because it was red raw to the touch. I was rooming with another spanking model Lottie Kinsade and it was wonderful to compare our marks, and the next day we did it all again. Although this was professional filming and role play,  I wanted to do it all for totally real, so I did. I asked Mike not to hold back when he spanked me and he didn’t, so I bratted him and rolled my eyes as much as I could in one of the storylines to put myself in the zone. I used my method acting training to turn it into a real event in my head so that I felt remorseful and properly disciplined. I spent a few days writing a back story in my head before the shoot for each character to make them all different, but I had to find a quiet corner before I went into the scene to get myself in the right state emotionally and in role. Then it was easier to let go and go with it as if the camera were a fly on the wall, which I had done in all my own films from the first one I made. That is how I roll, it’s the only way I know how to do any of this in films. As I have discipline in real life, although I have not been in films for a few years and may not again,  I can easily tap into it and use my senses to create the same feeling I need to have if the scene would benefit from reality. I like comedy though too but that’s another challenge in how I can find a feeling of ‘reality’ in those scenes.

Here are some pictures of my recent fun and discipline with my Daddy. I have ventured out a little more and am enjoying everything we do together, because it’s nice and slow and given and accepted from someone I trust to look after me. It takes me lots of time to be this brave but when I am I don’t know what I am capable of. I know I am more of a masochist than I will ever admit to, so maybe I’m a lot more ‘BDSM’ than I imagined sometimes.

 

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