Once upon a time I was a “spankee” and I didn’t do ‘BDSM’ and I still don’t in lots of grown up ways. There were always things I tried once (everything from candle wax to blindfolds). I didn’t mind them but was afraid to admit it, in case the other person may have wanted to give me more of it or up the level, or scare me too much thinking I wanted it. I still have a lot of hard limits and really only get my bottom spanked most of the time, but lately I’ve tried impact on my thighs and rather don’t mind it. I sessioned with someone earlier in this blog who used a tawse on my thighs. I hated it at the time and said I would never do it again, because it was very clinical and cold and hard and I didn’t know him at all before we met, so I was scared off and very upset by it all. Also I exceeded my professional play limits by a mile that day and wanted to be hurt and have pain to get over something emotionally, so it was all the wrong way to go about it and I won’t ever make that mistake again. My partner that day was very nice personally and obliging, but I just went too far out of the role play scene I had in mind. However, I remember coming home and enjoying looking at the marks I had afterwards and watching them turn into big purple bruises and then fade.

This is how I started out with my private and exclusive mentor long before I knew there was a ‘scene’ with other people doing the same thing and other girls getting spanked at home. I had virginal flesh as a newbie and I craved looking at my marks afterwards from his hard hand spankings alone and having the sting and sore bottom that lasted for ages. I still get it sometimes and always for real because it shows me who is in charge and reminds me of my boundaries when I misbehave. I hate it at the time but I always learn from it, particularly when I try to get my own way too much or make myself ill by totally ignoring the good advice and rules I have.

When I filmed with Spanked in Uniform  a few years ago (OMG was it that long?!), I still remember that as one of the times I had a very sore bottom that I couldn’t sit down, and I slept on my tummy when I went to bed because it was red raw to the touch. I was rooming with another spanking model Lottie Kinsade and it was wonderful to compare our marks, and the next day we did it all again. Although this was professional filming and role play,  I wanted to do it all for totally real, so I did. I asked Mike not to hold back when he spanked me and he didn’t, so I bratted him and rolled my eyes as much as I could in one of the storylines to put myself in the zone. I used my method acting training to turn it into a real event in my head so that I felt remorseful and properly disciplined. I spent a few days writing a back story in my head before the shoot for each character to make them all different, but I had to find a quiet corner before I went into the scene to get myself in the right state emotionally and in role. Then it was easier to let go and go with it as if the camera were a fly on the wall, which I had done in all my own films from the first one I made. That is how I roll, it’s the only way I know how to do any of this in films. As I have discipline in real life, although I have not been in films for a few years and may not again,  I can easily tap into it and use my senses to create the same feeling I need to have if the scene would benefit from reality. I like comedy though too but that’s another challenge in how I can find a feeling of ‘reality’ in those scenes.

Here are some pictures of my recent fun and discipline with my Daddy. I have ventured out a little more and am enjoying everything we do together, because it’s nice and slow and given and accepted from someone I trust to look after me. It takes me lots of time to be this brave but when I am I don’t know what I am capable of. I know I am more of a masochist than I will ever admit to, so maybe I’m a lot more ‘BDSM’ than I imagined sometimes.

 

I wrote most of this a long time ago when I was in a lonely place and tired of vanilla serial dating and scene relationships. I never posted it because the timing was wrong and I didn’t want to be seen as “demanding” or “picky” or “over-thinking it” or any of the things I have been told before by some people, so I just sat it under my hands. I read it again today and liked it so I want to post it now because I am happier now and still believe in fairy tales.

  1. I want you to choose me. Not because I am the only one around or the only one who said yes, but because you want to.
  2. I want you to ask me to dance. Not because you are curious, or want to add me to your card but because you really want to know me, and you know I’m old fashioned and will never ask a man to a dance anyway.
  3. I want you to touch me. Not because you like new flesh but because it’s mine and you want to see my reaction if you do.
  4. I want you to provoke me to answer you. Not because you want to pick me apart but because you know I’m keeping it all in.
  5. I want you to tell me how you feel. Not because I need to know right now, but because I want to know why you asked me in the first place.
  6. I want you to be proud to be my friend. Not because I want you to tell the world but because it matters to me not to feel like a dirty little secret.
  7. I want you to give me time. Not because I don’t know how to do this stuff by now but because I don’t know how to do it with you. Neither of us needs to be the best or be good at it, just good enough to grow into it together.
  8. I want you to snap me out of it. Not because I need you to patronise me or tell me to ‘grow up’ but because you can see I self destruct sometimes and don’t know how to put myself back together.
  9. I want you to show me how to enjoy it. Not because I am “over thinking it” and “need to relax” but because you can see I’m scared to drop my guard again.
  10. I want you to be there in the morning. Not because I never trusted your good intentions but to show me I’m worthy of a second date.
  11. I want you to be jealous sometimes. Not because it’s a good human trait, but because it means you care about me enough to be.
  12. I want you to hold my hand. Not because I’m an exhibitionist but because I can have the biggest smile on my face for the times we are together and you are proud to take it and show me off.
  13. I want you to defend me. Not because I’m not an adult on paper but because in real life you know I’m a scared little girl inside who hurts more than she shows.
  14. I want you to come to my rescue. Not because you have to be the most perfect Knight in the world with the strongest army, but because I’m not the perfect princess and in this life that is more than enough for me.
  15. I want you to punish me when I deserve it, or because it’s the right time to. Not because I like the feel of it, I don’t when it is real, but because it validates how I have let us both down.
  16. I want you to wipe away my tears. Not because it’s part of an aftercare duty routine, but because you know it’s real and meaningful and I never fake it.
  17. I want you to see me at my worst and deal with it. Not because I ever play the “woe is me” card, but because you know how hard it is for me to let it out and it will bring me closer to trusting you more
  18. I want you to remind me. Not because I need to know where I fit in, but because some days I need a lot of convincing that I matter. It’s not your fault I’m like this and I’m sorry you have to overcome my high walls.
  19. I want you to push me. Not because I want to please you like a “real” or “good” textbook “subbie”, but because you know I am scared that I may like things too much and be afraid for you to see that and use it against me.
  20. I want you to like me. Not because I want a version of cyber or scene love where we all love each others’ pictures and big each other up, but because you would still like me if we had never met in this way.

I’m reading all sorts of posts about inclusion and acceptance. I think if you see YOURSELF as the Elephant in the room then you always will be. Some people forever love to hold onto the Elephant label and telling the world they are or how much shit they have overcome in their lives or how different they are.
It makes them feel included, or provocative, or contentious, or notorious, and gets them an army of bandwagon jumpers or ‘likers’ wanting to congratulate them, or say they touched or know Exhibit A.

Some people who are not even Elephants at all, glorify being an Elephant because it’s fun to put the big pink suit on and bounce around for a day. It’s a bit like pretending to be a ‘Dom’ or a ‘sub’…. but don’t get me started on that!

Adopting any label to feel validated, or settling for one because others tell you that’s what you are, is ridiculous and attention seeking at best. Only you know who and what you are, or what the label or relationship means in your heart and head. Whether you are younger/older, fairer/darker, boy/girl/unsure, bigger/smaller, prettier/less prettier…. you don’t have to be the Elephant in the room.

When you have truly been in the wars, and there were never any real Elephants to begin with, just coughs and colds and hiccups in life, you never want to talk about it again.

I was very upset the other day when I allowed someone I didn’t know, to have my Skype ID and ended up chatting to him until 3 o’ clock in the morning. I had gone to bed on time as Daddy said which is in my own rules, but I forgot to turn my phone onto mute. A message woke me up and I couldn’t sleep and was bored so I went online and chatted to some of my friends I knew, but got into a chat with someone I had added but never met or knew much about. I am usually very careful who I add as a friend and should have checked out more of the person’s interests because they were far too adult and explicit for me, and our conversation ended up in an embarrassing situation which upset me. I didn’t want to text Daddy as it was stupid o’clock and could wait until the morning but I found it hard to get back to sleep, as I had been silly and was mad at myself.

I told my Daddy in the morning and he calmly said he wasn’t mad at me but angry at the man that I was being groomed and told me to block the person which I did. He was not happy with me for going online after bedtime when I could easily have read a book or watched some TV if I really could not sleep, because I had put myself in danger. I cried a lot on the phone, I was genuinely upset when I told him because I felt like I had let myself down again. I didn’t do anything rude but had to see things in my face I did not want to and I thought it was my fault.  Daddy said if he were there right now he would have put me across his knee, taken down my knickers down and given me a very hard spanking I wouldn’t forget. But he wanted to come over and give me a big hug too, because I was crying and shaking like a leaf on the phone when I told him.

Anyway Daddy wanted to see me sooner rather than later to deal with this, and I also had other things on my list that he wanted to “chat” about at the same time. These were the things we had to “discuss” he said:

a) I teased Daddy that I could take 100 spanks with the spank stick and 100 with the stingy shoe horn. Teasing is naughty and he said he will teach me a lesson about this for showing off. Daddy decides what I will have always and is fair and careful so I learn a lesson, and it was naughty of me and I am lucky he didn’t actually give me all of this too!
b) “You got up an hour and a half late?! Did you set an alarm Emma? It’s not a very good start to your new routine, is it? Please note that you overslept on the first morning of your new routine”.

and the main one was

c) Going online in chat until 3 pm and getting involved in a Skype video conversation I should not have. Daddy said he is going to spank me for this so I will never think about doing it again and will be safe.

After a severe spanking across his knee I had a very hard caning, the wooden paddle, leather domestic discipline strap, and a hard slippering as well as other implements. I also had a few more hard spankings over his knee and corner times. I was tearful again and will never do this again, it really hurt and I am as hurt that I was so stupid. Daddy says I was naive, but only because I am immature and did not think it all through and rushed into chatting. He explained it all to me and I understand better now and will stay away from this, and I must tell my Daddy where I am and what I am doing at all times so he knows I am safe. This is one of my rules anyway and we are in touch every day about it too.

I am banned from Skyping with anyone new without Daddy’s permission, and adding friends I do not know who are not already known to my friends. If I am not sure I will tell Daddy and he will decide.  I can chat online to anybody who is already a friend and I have met or is known to my friends, I love chatting about all sorts of things, including spanking (lol) but not when they start taking their clothes off on camera and want me to take mine off too, that is sex and rude and insults me when I hardly know people and we have never even dated and don’t have any kind of relationship. I have my Daddy to look after me now and am very happy he is and I will tell him everything. My bottom was sore in the evening when I went to bed and the next morning so I will remember this and Daddy knows how sorry I am, but I know he punishes me because he loves me and is looking after me and wants me to be his good safe babygirl.