First of all, I PROMISE not to delete this writing. I’m only saying this because in the past I have written stuff about my feelings, and friends have nicely commented and then a few days later I regret writing and being so open and I feel stupid so I delete it again. I am sorry for all the time I have done this. The same goes for my profile, which has seen more changes than in my panties in a year, and my name changes,…it goes on…!!
Prior to the past few years or so I was more solid in my writing, I was decisive, I would say something and never look back or second guess, or care what people thought. I had it covered, I had a period of higher confidence for a change and security, I least I though so, but it turned out to have been a big mistake and I have found myself more vulnerable and scared than I have ever been. Even when things were really bad, I had confidence and could do anything because i conditioned myself to be strong and act it out, but slowly I have let it get eaten away, nobody’s fault except my own I made the wrong choices at the wrong time.
For the past three months I have been working on my music, making an album, and like everything I ever do I have to finish each part before I can sleep.
I have had headphones on my head for hours playing loud music and been up until 2am singing and mixing because that is the only time there is complete silence, my microphones pick up a clock ticking downstairs so I have to move it. So, some days I had been playing guitar and piano, mixing, singing and sitting at my PC from 7 in the morning until 2 am, with hardly a break and I did this for a few days in a row. I have not drank enough water and only eaten snacks, usually sweet things, and worse of all a lot of coffee. Caffeine is my demon, it makes me ill, but I crave it like a drug to get me through some days and feel happy. Alcohol I avoid because it is fattening and I have got use to only having it socially, but again, when I am unsupervised I drink way too much and get very ill, it affects me, I’m a young adult and I cannot cope with more than two glasses of wine. When I eventually went to bed I would lie awake fully hyper and restless like my whole body was filled with radiation and so much tension from electronic gadgets I have wanted to explode. I did some stupidly high level professional spanking sessions just to get hurt because I wanted a release. I would put off playing with people I trusted for fun because that meant saying how I am feeling or being too emotional and I don’t want a reputation as a complainer or baggage carrier. I do not have a Daddy anymore, but the experience I had was so massive and affected me more than I admitted to anyone but I will never ever talk about it because it is private. So it’s easier with strangers, until you run into a sadist who goes too far and you have to fight them off. The only good side was getting paid and being proud of the marks I had and surviving, but it is not the same high with strangers, it’s lonely. So then I would give up spanking altogether for ages and nobody gets to spank me. Like I don’t trust anybody anymore because they have an agenda and I felt like a calendar slot. I lost my sense of fun and realism too. Being professional is something I can hide behind, it makes me brave and worthy and feel grown up, but I would rather not do it at all. I have messed up a lot with this because I have been too vulnerable and lost control of my limits, but if people really knew me they would understand why.
Last week it all got on top of me. I was out all day on a 2 hour coach journey to London for a job interview. I drank lots of coffee, orange juice and had lots of chocolate and very little water. I dried up and rambled and lost my memory and made a complete mess of it all. I tried to get an earlier coach home and ran to the stop in 80% heat when I saw it coming, but the driver would not let me on even though the coach was half empty. So I had to wait another hour, with more coffee. I remember sitting in Starbucks in the corner crying. I cried all the way home when I eventually got my coach, I was so ill I wanted to die on the spot and just get to lie down. It was hot and sticky and I wore all the wrong clothes too and could not breathe. When I got home I went straight to my bedroom and cried and cried. It was 6pm and I went to bed. My scene friend (who is sort of looking after me through this) texted to ask how I was. I didn’t want to worry him so I played it down a bit as much as I could. He saw through it though and rang me. I was at my lowest, and held it in and then cried and told him what I had really been up to the past few months. It was self abuse he said but I never saw it like that, it crept up on me but I admit I have had things like that before where I have done this to myself. I went to bed and slept 15 hours and ever since then I have given up coffee, stayed away from a PC for long periods until now and had proper sleeps. I still cry a lot, I wanted to die, but my memory is back to normal and I worked out and ran a lot and lost 3lbs and I am eating again so I am fit. I am not doing spanking sessions right now but am doing other things I enjoy and I feel better slowly.
So what I want to say is this, just this one time while I can find the words:
I am a “middle” teenager type but I’m not an age player. I can relate a lot to how my lost childhood has made me like this and I am still growing up and finding my way but that’s where I am in my timeline. It’s complicated to explain but I am like this in my normal life, I genuinely cannot help it and wish I could find a magic wand and make it all go away. If you do not understand how I am and how I feel or how to deal with teenager types then we won’t really get on at all, i’m tired of having to pretend to act older for other people in the scene and I feel uncomfortable writing about it too. I am sick of being blamed and made to feel guilty for not understanding stuff in the relationships I have had and my mood swings and changing my mind and not knowing what I want, so please leave me alone if you want a proper grown up person who is rational and organised and perfect. I really hate getting spanked when I have broken my rules, I hate it, I want to be good. Punishment is what I try and avoid but I mess up a lot because things get on top of me and I want to do things there and then and have my own way. I never do it deliberately and wish I was perfect and did but I am not made that way however hard I try to do everything right and stick to rules. Sometimes I want to die, I hate keeping this in and I hate acting and I hate not being understood that I don’t know how to be a grown up adult and inside I am shaking like a leaf and full of anger that nobody gets me and I have to act grown up just to join in here and make friends. I do not understand a lot, really I do not, I cannot tell you why but I do to good friends if I can. The best fun I have had in ages was at the Littles Party at Boardwalk Badness Weekend. It was just so good to be myself and with people who were more like my proper age.
The nicest thing anybody has ever asked me was a couple of years ago. Just before he spanked me in the most wonderful way, he asked me “what does Emma want”. I did not answer but I looked at him and cried and he knew. That is how I see Dominance and my submission, simple…I look up to adults for guidance and good examples and expect more for them than hitting on me and sending me rude messages and pictures, it sometimes makes me cry and despair and Im so scared that some people just want to play games and hurt me. I have said it now thanks and I am leaving it on and if there are typos I am leaving them, I am tired and need to stay off my PC again.