Yesterday I reported to Mr W, in an accountability session; where I had a list of things that I had not met and was to be punished for according to the enforcement of rules I have for myself. One of the things I did lately was a repeat offence. I have done the same thing twice since 2012 and been punished for it both times, yet I still find it hard to stay within the lines that are there for my own protection.
The thing I was punished for was that the other day I played with someone at a level way beyond what I had in my own safe rules. I cried for ages about it afterwards at home as I let myself down and put myself out of action with a cut and some marks. I cried before I was spanked just from being told off, and after a pretty firm but not too hard spanking by his standards I ran off his lap and fell to the floor and was crying on the floor, before I finally sat up and he gave me a hug. I carried on crying, I really could not stop myself but he spoke and got my attention and wanted to capture how I was in some photos. He was shocked and he saw me at my most vulnerable. I rarely post pictures of me at my worst and although the lighting is bad, the tears were falling down my face.
I also had other spankings and a dose of the shoe horn and some leather paddles for procrastinating and not practising my piano lessons. It is not long or heavy, but still was enough to sting and make me think, after I was once again left with a sore bottom and some emotional ‘corner’ and thinking time about my behaviour.