I went to the fabulous SSNY (Strictly Spanking New York) party in Manhattan at the weekend and met up with some friends I had made in April at the BBW party in Atlantic City. I stayed in New Jersey and was lucky enough to be rooming with (AKA) ‘loveotk’ who was wonderful and we have become good friends. It was also nice to be accompanied most places by ‘Richard Anderson’ who knew her (‘loveotk’). He was staying at our hotel too and knew the area better than we did and he made sure we got to the right places we were going to together to meet the group, and back to the hotel safely. I enjoyed his company too, even though I think I was a bit offish and dismissive sometimes, I was just sulky and moody a lot this weekend it was just my own fault.
On Friday night, despite me having been given instructions on how to get back to our hotel, I had way too much to drink which caused me and ‘loveotk’, who had left the pub early by ourselves, to overshoot getting off at the bus stop near our hotel. We ended up five miles or so away and stranded in the pouring rain at 1 am in the middle of nowhere on a highway, which felt a little hairy and dangerous and scared me. The instructions I had given Richard on his phone in a semi slurred state were also useless, so I was relieved he took a taxi anyway and managed to get back before us. It was just lucky we asked this lady who happened to know the area and she took us to up to her apartment to get warm and organised us a taxi all the way back to our hotel, because amazingly she worked there too, so she was my guardian angel. I seem to have a really lucky knack of finding guardians to look after me when I need them, cos on this particular night I felt pretty vulnerable and was miles from home anyway. I hadn’t planned on drinking so much and wanted to pace myself all weekend but I did have those three or four glasses of wine on that night, because I was in a bit of a trance from the flight journey and was high on seeing my friends again, so I talked too much I must have bored them stupid and got lost in the great atmosphere. My rule for drinking when I was in my recent relationship and others was one glass if I am with someone responsible (i.e an adult), or better still none at all, but as I have been very down and in freefall to feel better I have lost my way lately. I never drink at all usually, there is never any drink at home and I drink water, soft drinks or coffee when I go out, so I really am not used to it anymore, and I never was, it affects me and I can’t handle much alcohol. I either throw up, cry, or act like a total loud brat. I am never normal on drink, it is bad for me.
On Saturday morning we went into Manhattan and right near my old acting school in Union Square, so it was great to be back there and see nothing much has changed. It was freezing cold though but Richard Windsor (another Richard!) had arranged this fantastic tour of a hidden history of Manhattan. We saw places where actors, boxers and other celebrities over the past century had worked, trained or studied and it was amazing to be standing in the same places that they did. I managed to get a New York City Starbucks mug for my collection (I collect the City ones) and it’s my favourite one so far and has a cute yellow taxi on it and the Manhattan skyline I love around it 🙂 We ended up going to this museum which was a Godsend as they had toilets and it was snuggly and warm after braving the cold, but they had this video on about Roosevelt as a child. I am usually pretty good at being quiet and watching things without complaining but I was getting so bored and restless after half an hour that I said “Do we have to watch all of this? I would rather have open heart surgery!”. I can see now it was a bit rude after Richard Windsor had kindly got us in but seeing as everyone leapt up to leave too, including him (I think) then I hope I didn’t upset anyone too much who may have wanted to see the end…but it was soooo boring!!. Thank you Richard Windsor 🙂 Brilliant tour..apart from Teddy!!
At the party on Saturday I had some good spanking play and role playing too, and I drank water all the time (REALLY) because I was exhausted and dehydrated a bit from a not very great diet and jet lag setting in. I was fine though and did not play much, in fact my head was not in a good place and I was not my usual self in terms of playing too much. I tried hard to find a balance between having sensible fun play and overplaying (which I did at the BBW party in April and made myself ill) but as I had done some seriously reckless 121 sessions lately I tried to be more cautious, so I am sorry if I did not accept play invitations from anybody I did not know too well. Up until just over a month ago I had a Daddy. I was pre-agreeing a list with him of who I may like to play with potentially, assuming they would want to play with me. It was designed to be for my own safety, after abusing my health at the previous party I went to, but I admit now I was a bit stroppy and rebelled against his help. I had other issues and threw a tantrum over the whole damm thing and we fell out over my having to ask people to look after me and play, it was against my beliefs and my stubborn and wilful nature started again and I found it hard to do and thought I would look stupid if I did. My embarrassment and attitude that I did not want to lose face or make anyone feel awkward if I asked them and they felt obliged to say “yes” even if they don’t like me got the better of me. So it ended up with my not having any boundaries at all and it was my own fault. So I was now going to this party with no guidance of what to do or who to play with, I know that now and it was something that did not help me in my relationship.
Because of this and other related stuff I have decided now I need another break and have posted a message to my online friends to say as much. The truth is that I have had a delayed reaction at my relationship with my family ending and it only hit me these past few days. The jet lag did not help and also my emotional hormonal week state. I tried to explain as best I could that I also genuinely have a problem with my maturity and honestly can’t handle things as well as most adults can. Put simply, I had things happen in my life which have meant I have huge gaps in my timeline where it has almost felt I have had to go through growing up again as if it never happened the first time and it was all a blur anyway like I woke up from a dream I had no memory of. I have seen medical articles about brain development and had all kinds of counseling from Psychologists and Doctors for a couple of years explaining it all to me and why I was like this, but none of it makes sense unless you are having to live it. It is like some kind of arrested development but not like I am retarded academically, just maturity wise. I have seen it described as being a ‘Young Adult’. It is not an act or attention seek or my trying to be something I am not, but from ten years ago I was very still much like a child with my moods and understanding of things and how to be and fit in. I had a mentor (Dr Williams, an academic and lecturer) who understood and was qualified to help me mentally, as well as give me the strict boundaries a parent would have done. So when I was in ‘school’ spanking films or roles and people would say I was so realistic I was never acting, nobody ever knew why then. To me it felt like I was in a real school, I didn’t care whether I got spanked or not it was just the being in class.
Now I am older, I know more through experiencing things, including some relationships, but I have rarely had to do much by myself so I hate too much responsibility and it scares me if I am vulnerable again. I am not that young on paper or in my looks, but neither are anywhere near my brain age maturity development or my body which has also not kept pace as it should have done so I have been told, so people tell me to grow up a lot of get a grip and stop being a drama queen and things like that, and I don’t realise I am and I don’t know what to do and it hurts. I am most comfortable with people who are mentally closer to my real brain age, and I look up to people who seem mature and older than me and able to deal with me and recognise where I am and make me feel I can be myself with them. I get scared when nobody gets me, but I can’t blame them, they only see what they see when they see me and don’t realise how it is for me inside. I push people away if they try and treat me in a way I do really not understand and I get defensive like they are picking on me and blaming me. I feel left out if their way to punish me is to sulk and push me away rather than to discipline me as I am used to, so I put my guard up and pretend I don’t need them, until eventually it works and I make them get sick of me because I am “hard work”. Some Dominants only like girls they can easily train and who will act it out and ‘please’ and all that stuff by numbers. I realise I am not the same, I am not THAT kind of ‘sub’, but I am no different to how a father would deal with a teenage daughter, which is not like BDSM or ‘play’ Nobody gets me and I really am sick of explaining it is real for me and I have been brought up with it, I am not playing a role and if it is not part of my real life and I have to turn it on and off for a ‘session’ then I do not understand this at all in a relationship. I would rather be on my own if nobody can understand me, and only play roles if it’s professionally, and I know I am playing and getting rewarded in other ways.
I guess a simple way is to say 10 years ago I was like a junior at school and now it feels like I am in high school and going to college or being able to drink at 21 for the first time. I can write it pretty well to explain here I think. I am educated enough and was taught to write well by my mentor, but it is not something I can explain when people wonder why I have moods, tantrums, sulks, take stupid risks, and am wilful and stubborn and need to have guidance and accountability and structure. I have only ever learnt through discipline and structure so I know no different. I am wary by now though that it is easy to find people who just want to hurt me and find reasons to punish me for their own fun, or if they think I get fun out of it too but it is so not like that for me. Yes I see and enjoy the sexual side of spanking too, but only when it is part of much more and separate from the discipline I also need too. I thought I had found what I wanted but it just did not work out. I need some space now for a while, but I know it is hard for me with too much space but whatever.
Anyway, this has all finally got on top of me so the best thing to do until next year is to rest and stay away from ‘the scene’ until I can get over how I am feeling because I feel broken now. I blame myself for ruining things because I was not “mature” enough to cope but I really did not mean to and will have to learn a big lesson from it again even though I don’t know exactly what I did wrong apart from being myself and saying how I felt. I am just no good at being understood and saying things well so it is my own fault.
Have a great Christmas and New Year everyone and I will be back next year and ready to go again in a cheery mood.