I went to the fabulous SSNY (Strictly Spanking New York) party in Manhattan at the weekend and met up with some friends I had made in April at the BBW party in Atlantic City. I stayed in New Jersey and was lucky enough to be rooming with (AKA) ‘loveotk’ who was wonderful and we have become good friends. It was also nice to be accompanied most places by ‘Richard Anderson’ who knew her (‘loveotk’). He was staying at our hotel too and knew the area better than we did and he made sure we got to the right places we were going to together to meet the group, and back to the hotel safely. I enjoyed his company too, even though I think I was a bit offish and dismissive sometimes, I was just sulky and moody a lot this weekend it was just my own fault.

On Friday night, despite me having been given instructions on how to get back to our hotel, I had way too much to drink which caused me and ‘loveotk’, who had left the pub early by ourselves, to overshoot getting off at the bus stop near our hotel. We ended up five miles or so away and stranded in the pouring rain at 1 am in the middle of nowhere on a highway, which felt a little hairy and dangerous and scared me. The instructions I had given Richard on his phone in a semi slurred state were also useless, so I was relieved he took a taxi anyway and managed to get back before us. It was just lucky we asked this lady who happened to know the area and she took us to up to her apartment to get warm and organised us a taxi all the way back to our hotel, because amazingly she worked there too, so she was my guardian angel. I seem to have a really lucky knack of finding guardians to look after me when I need them, cos on this particular night I felt pretty vulnerable and was miles from home anyway. I hadn’t planned on drinking so much and wanted to pace myself all weekend but I did have those three or four glasses of wine on that night, because I was in a bit of a trance from the flight journey and was high on seeing my friends again, so I talked too much I must have bored them stupid and got lost in the great atmosphere. My rule for drinking when I was in my recent relationship and others was one glass if I am with someone responsible (i.e an adult), or better still none at all, but as I have been very down and in freefall to feel better I have lost my way lately. I never drink at all usually, there is never any drink at home and I drink water, soft drinks or coffee when I go out, so I really am not used to it anymore, and I never was, it affects me and I can’t handle much alcohol. I either throw up, cry, or act like a total loud brat. I am never normal on drink, it is bad for me.

On Saturday morning we went into Manhattan and right near my old acting school in Union Square, so it was great to be back there and see nothing much has changed. It was freezing cold though but Richard Windsor (another Richard!) had arranged this fantastic tour of a hidden history of Manhattan. We saw places where actors, boxers and other celebrities over the past century had worked, trained or studied and it was amazing to be standing in the same places that they did. I managed to get a New York City Starbucks mug for my collection (I collect the City ones) and it’s my favourite one so far and has a cute yellow taxi on it and the Manhattan skyline I love around it 🙂 We ended up going to this museum which was a Godsend as they had toilets and it was snuggly and warm after braving the cold, but they had this video on about Roosevelt as a child. I am usually pretty good at being quiet and watching things without complaining but I was getting so bored and restless after half an hour that I said “Do we have to watch all of this? I would rather have open heart surgery!”. I can see now it was a bit rude after Richard Windsor had kindly got us in but seeing as everyone leapt up to leave too, including him (I think) then I hope I didn’t upset anyone too much who may have wanted to see the end…but it was soooo boring!!. Thank you Richard Windsor 🙂 Brilliant tour..apart from Teddy!!

At the party on Saturday I had some good spanking play and role playing too, and I drank water all the time (REALLY) because I was exhausted and dehydrated a bit from a not very great diet and jet lag setting in. I was fine though and did not play much, in fact my head was not in a good place and I was not my usual self in terms of playing too much. I tried hard to find a balance between having sensible fun play and overplaying (which I did at the BBW party in April and made myself ill) but as I had done some seriously reckless 121 sessions lately I tried to be more cautious, so I am sorry if I did not accept play invitations from anybody I did not know too well. Up until just over a month ago I had a Daddy. I was pre-agreeing a list with him of who I may like to play with potentially, assuming they would want to play with me. It was designed to be for my own safety, after abusing my health at the previous party I went to, but I admit now I was a bit stroppy and rebelled against his help. I had other issues and threw a tantrum over the whole damm thing and we fell out over my having to ask people to look after me and play, it was against my beliefs and my stubborn and wilful nature started again and I found it hard to do and thought I would look stupid if I did. My embarrassment and attitude that I did not want to lose face or make anyone feel awkward if I asked them and they felt obliged to say “yes” even if they don’t like me got the better of me. So it ended up with my not having any boundaries at all and it was my own fault. So I was now going to this party with no guidance of what to do or who to play with, I know that now and it was something that did not help me in my relationship.

Because of this and other related stuff I have decided now I need another break and have posted a message to my online friends to say as much. The truth is that I have had a delayed reaction at my relationship with my family ending and it only hit me these past few days. The jet lag did not help and also my emotional hormonal week state. I tried to explain as best I could that I also genuinely have a problem with my maturity and honestly can’t handle things as well as most adults can. Put simply, I had things happen in my life which have meant I have huge gaps in my timeline where it has almost felt I have had to go through growing up again as if it never happened the first time and it was all a blur anyway like I woke up from a dream I had no memory of. I have seen medical articles about brain development and had all kinds of counseling from Psychologists and Doctors for a couple of years explaining it all to me and why I was like this, but none of it makes sense unless you are having to live it. It is like some kind of arrested development but not like I am retarded academically, just maturity wise. I have seen it described as being a ‘Young Adult’. It is not an act or attention seek or my trying to be something I am not, but from ten years ago I was very still much like a child with my moods and understanding of things and how to be and fit in. I had a mentor (Dr Williams, an academic and lecturer) who understood and was qualified to help me mentally, as well as give me the strict boundaries a parent would have done. So when I was in ‘school’ spanking films or roles and people would say I was so realistic I was never acting, nobody ever knew why then. To me it felt like I was in a real school, I didn’t care whether I got spanked or not it was just the being in class.

Now I am older, I know more through experiencing things, including some relationships, but I have rarely had to do much by myself so I hate too much responsibility and it scares me if I am vulnerable again.  I am not that young on paper or in my looks, but neither are anywhere near my brain age maturity development or my body which has also not kept pace as it should have done so I have been told, so people tell me to grow up a lot of get a grip and stop being a drama queen and things like that, and I don’t realise I am and I don’t know what to do and it hurts. I am most comfortable with people who are mentally closer to my real brain age, and I look up to people who seem mature and older than me and able to deal with me and recognise where I am and make me feel I can be myself with them. I get scared when nobody gets me, but I can’t blame them, they only see what they see when they see me and don’t realise how it is for me inside. I push people away if they try and treat me in a way I do really not understand and I get defensive like they are picking on me and blaming me. I feel left out if their way to punish me is to sulk and push me away rather than to discipline me as I am used to, so I put my guard up and pretend I don’t need them, until eventually it works and I make them get sick of me because I am “hard work”. Some Dominants only like girls they can easily train and who will act it out and ‘please’ and all that stuff by numbers. I realise I am not the same, I am not THAT kind of ‘sub’, but I am no different to how a father would deal with a teenage daughter, which is not like BDSM or ‘play’ Nobody gets me and I really am sick of explaining it is real for me and I have been brought up with it, I am not playing a role and if it is not part of my real life and I have to turn it on and off for a ‘session’ then I do not understand this at all in a relationship. I would rather be on my own if nobody can understand me, and only play roles if it’s professionally, and I know I am playing and getting rewarded in other ways.

I guess a simple way is to say 10 years ago I was like a junior at school and now it feels like I am in high school and going to college or being able to drink at 21 for the first time. I can write it pretty well to explain here I think. I am educated enough and was taught to write well by my mentor, but it is not something I can explain when people wonder why I have moods, tantrums, sulks, take stupid risks, and am wilful and stubborn and need to have guidance and accountability and structure. I have only ever learnt through discipline and structure so I know no different. I am wary by now though that it is easy to find people who just want to hurt me and find reasons to punish me for their own fun, or if they think I get fun out of it too but it is so not like that for me. Yes I see and enjoy the sexual side of spanking too, but only when it is part of much more and separate from the discipline I also need too. I thought I had found what I wanted but it just did not work out. I need some space now for a while, but I know it is hard for me with too much space but whatever.

Anyway, this has all finally got on top of me so the best thing to do until next year is to rest and stay away from ‘the scene’ until I can get over how I am feeling because I feel broken now. I blame myself for ruining things because I was not “mature” enough to cope but I really did not mean to and will have to learn a big lesson from it again even though I don’t know exactly what I did wrong apart from being myself and saying how I felt. I am just no good at being understood and saying things well so it is my own fault.

Have a great Christmas and New Year everyone and I will be back next year and ready to go again in a cheery mood.

Following hot on the heels of my post yesterday, where I commented on the quality in cheap/free and even professional spanking films, I had a real punishment spanking yesterday. When I say real I mean real, no laughing, timeouts or posing for pictures at the time. We did have a camera set up and took some pictures afterwards, but that was incidental and used as a part of my blog yesterday to illustrate a point I was making. I do not need a camera there to capture my real tears in a serious punishment moment but if it is then fine, I accept that. Yesterday it was only afterwards we brought it in but I did have another real spanking as you will see from the pictures, so my bottom was pretty sore.

I am not in a relationship as such any more with spanking as a part of it, but my good friend Mr W has always been around to look out for me, so I feel a sense of being able to openly talk about how I am doing against the rules I had for myself in my recent relationship. I genuinely try hard to keep to them and from what I read in a thread in British Spanking recently about Responsibility and Punishment, a lot of people in the scene really don’t get it or understand that for some of us there is a huge reality attached to discipline and self management and motivation. I don’t indulge or bother writing in these forums anymore because I really can’t be bothered to waste my time trying to convert anybody who really sees all of this as a game and has their own followers to that argument, which is fair enough.  Sure, they may see spanking as part of a healthy relationship, which is good and I agree with too, they may even attach an element of ‘punishment’ to it, but there always seems to be an underlying goal to fulfill a kink rather than to cleanse, improve, grow and learn with someone or for one’s better self. Maybe I am not so much of an ‘adult’ as them. in fact I know for certain I am not, and it has nothing to do with the ridiculous notion that it is a mental illness, but there are actually some genuine submissive types out there who have always been brought up on and steeped in traditional roles and do not get this current thinking that nobody should really in charge. I look up to people stronger and more powerful than me, I always have and I respect dominance and authority if it is natural and not contrived. I am lost and flaky without guidance, I feel very tense and like something is being withheld from me and there is nowhere to go and nothing to aspire to or someone to please because they want the best for me.

Oh I know of course we have to have consent otherwise it is a free for all license to abuse, but once consent is given, I see a lot of people turning it around to suit what they want out of it for themselves. I have seen some submissives saying they don’t like this or that implement or position and manipulating a situation through being needy and wanting the ‘ouchy’ or ‘yummy’ factor thrown in, rather than leaving it up to who they supposedly have given control over to to decide for them. I agree there is a time and a place for ‘play’ and trying new things out like implements but sometimes even the Doms give in easily to bratting, whining and attention seeking, perhaps because they are equally driven by the sexual side of it all more than the focus on consistency and boundaries so that the sub knows where she stands. Some Doms may also have switching tendencies and I’m sure they like the fact a sub is taking over sometimes too, maybe it fuels their vision of equality more in our modern society. I think it is damned hard for men to know how to be anyway with the blurring of roles and political correctness ,and what with ’50 shades’ encouraging people into our lifestyle it must be even more confusing.  I love the sexual side of it all, in a relationship, but outside of that I can either have discipline, or play, in a session and not a mix and match of ‘funishment’ as a lot of people seem to be coining as a phrase nowadays.  So, if it is with a friend I would rather have punishment and then later if we want to shoot photos and carry on playing (if I am still able to of course) then that is fine, or else just have a fun play session trying things out that I like and he wants to test.

Yesterday I was punished for these transgressions (below) which I have taken from my list. For the past six months my behaviour had been pretty faultless, because I was in a situation where I felt loved and attended to enough to keep me focused. I genuinely find it hard to keep to that on my own but am not in any hurry to find a new relationship at any time so I’m just happy to do the best in the meantime and have the help of friends to pick up and enforce anything I have slipped up on, but only if I choose to. There lies the difference, it is more on a confessional basis rather than working together towards something in a loving relationship so I have not given full authority to anybody, because it means too much to me to give it too easily without it being part of something very real and meaningful outside of occasional support and help . I am not sure if or when I can do that again, I cared too much and was hurt before, through my own fault nobody else’s. But anyway, back to yesterday, and tomorrow 🙂

18-11-13 – Late to bed and disobedient even after being allowed to stay up longer.
20-11-13 – a) Late  to work – Spent too long in Fetlife online before leaving home. Arrived late to work place and had to spend £24 on car parking as all the free places were taken.
b) Saying “Whatever” to Mr W when I was being lectured about my behaviour today.
22-11-13 – Sent an email to the wrong person with personal details in that could have been awkward, then blaming somebody else for talking and distracting me and causing me to make the mistake.
25-11-13 – Overslept and went for contact lens check with wrong lens in, causing the Optician to have to re-do his tests and wasting his time. Being giggly and laughing about it and not pleasing the optician with my behaviour when he was being serious.

Here are some pictures:

And now I am off to pack to go to New York to a spanking party and when I get there, it is fun, play and having a great time, I know the difference so bring it on!

spankingmodelfakeI recently saw a very interesting thread in Fetlife about the quality of spanking videos (and ‘models) who appear in films but also in Spanking Tube, which has become a DIY haven for many aspiring ‘models’ in the scene. The writer (who I hope will not mind me recognising and agreeing with his opinion) wrote:

“Then, it happened.
One day a few people woke up and said: “How hard can this be? I like spanking. I slap my girls butt when we have sex. I have a video camera. Let’s make a spanking video.” And so it went. Amateur vids flooded the market. The laughers. The almost spanking. The sadists. The spanking/sex vids. No one had a clue how to market their product. And most failed as they should have. Success wasn’t so easy. Spankingtube uploads between a dozen and two dozen new clips a week. FREE. Depending on the contributor it can range from 1:30 to 10 minutes a clip. Here’s what’s crazy. You don’t have to pay a cent to watch them. I can honestly say there hasn’t been one who has cracked the code and illicits the feeling of “I have to buy that video.” Why would you?

I’ve been in marketing for 100 years. I’ve worked with the biggest brands on the planet. I understand how to feed and care for a brand. Very few video producers do. Oh, they’ll tell you they do. But if you asked them to give you a Strategy Statement or Mission Statement, they’d be hard pressed to put into words where they are positioned in the spanking entertainment world. What is missing in these companies is a marketer who understand differentiation, brand equity, and loyalty marketing.”

I actually like a lot of the spanking tube clips I have seen but the quality often leaves a lot to be desired, and I agree that a lot of the spanking film producers do not seem to have much of a marketing plan or strategy or much idea about segmentation (by the way, I have a diploma in Marketing too), which has allowed these home hobbyists to plonk a camera down with scant lighting on the cheap to produce their own material. I have been lucky enough to have worked for the film makers who do have a plan and brilliant ideas and minds, and the best photographers too with good story outlines. I had professional acting Theatre and Film training to improvise on the spot without faking it. I am also lucky in that I was born into this, it is in my DNA, I am a submissive to the core and do not play at it, so whether there is a camera there or not, to me it is always real and I have to be spanked for real or I won’t do it. I have even done a spanking comedy film and made it real just by going with the live action and quipping back on the spot without trying to get laughs or be funny. Part of training as an actress means you never play for the ending but go scene to scene, line by line, and although I know I am going to get spanked I have no idea what is coming or how I will end up, humiliated, tears, or with a make it up and kiss better hug. I have been silly/risk taking/over generous in doing the same in 121’s too sometimes, I go with the scene; I want it as real as it can be. Even if I know the ending in advance I have trained to block it out because in real life we don’t always know what we are going to do or say next, it is spontaneous, so why should acting be any different?

Anyway, to illustrate my point for ‘Spanking Tube’ fans…I had a real life punishment spanking today, but before I post pictures of this in a future post, I  took the chance to play for the camera and put together the montage of images (above). For fun I will call this ACT ONE, there may or may not be an ACT TWO, I do not want to give all my professional secrets away! I am NOT saying you need to be an actress to make spanking films, but I (personally) just like it when it looks as if it is taken seriously. I am deliberately showing what I see a lot of in Spanking films, which is about the models making it about them, and it is the reason why I rarely watch much in spanking tube. I see a lot of ‘funishment’ in Spanking Tube films (ultimate pleasure making dressed up as ‘discipline’) and very occasionally it is ‘real’, but the quality of filmmaking and the hugging, kissing and sometimes sex afterwards turns it into deliberate playing for the camera and inviting the whole world into a private moment. All (to me) put together for a moment of stardom and self indulgence with no real effort. I love fly on the wall films, I made my own, but I hate actors and actresses who know the camera is there. I think the industry as a whole has lost a lot of the professionalism it once had and has lowered its spanking quality and style to compete with Spanking Tube. I loved the Red Stripe films, Ivor Gold was a genius, as was George Harrison Marks and the Nu West Films were great. They may not have had the celluloid quality we have now with live streaming and reduced time to market, but they had great models and brilliantly real ‘actors’ who, if they were acting, never ever made it look that way.  I will continue to follow those sites that work hard to keep it professional and treat it like a job and not a roll in the hay.