So…its like hmmm 10.27pm and I’m starting writing to you literally off the top of my very tired head, but I have been so busy and built in additional procrastination, that every time I wanted to write a blog post my quill dried up and I scrapped it after the first line as it didn’t sound interesting to me. Now I will just go for it, pick up my content notes, cutting and pasting where I can and scribble away! I’ve had four 2am bedtimes in a row this week as I’ve been really busy on and off for five months recording new songs for my first album (I think I mentioned I dabble in being a bedroom based musician/songwriter and bad singer?) so I want to get to bed before midnight tonight if I can. I used to write my blogs in freefall but now I’m tongue tied and go off at tangents and keep censoring myself because of who may think what and if it’s about them, so I really need to see if I can write this and not care anymore..anyway…
Lately I’ve been embracing Emma Bishop again. But what does that mean, I am Emma Bishop? Well it means being busy again in this part of my life and enjoying being a part of forums and making new friends again like I did before. Whether I like it or not and I am entrenched in that image, and as I was recently reminded about I’ve been immortalised as a caricature forever by David Ell in his cartoon series: (see images below)
… so I guess I must have been geeky enough at some stage in this career and probably still am so why fight it? Even though I have other strings to my media arts bow why not just be and enjoy this too? I can do it all I think as long as I keep all of my ID’s apart and don’t blog about being spanked in Facebook or give a powerpoint presentation showing my best assets at the staff annual dinner! I’m not alone in this cyber jungle and know how dangerous it is with snoopers everywhere, whether they be bosses, trolls, stalkers, or rivals in some warped way but I realise there is a thin line between being honest and open enough to not care what anyone thinks and being suicidally blase and reckless if other people can get dragged in too.
I wrote a post in Fetlife the other day about ‘Friends’ and what they mean to me in social media sites and why I don’t collect them. It is mainly because I have been a victim of being too open and trusting before that I have learned some hard lessons about what I now call a ‘Friend’. It doesn’t mean I have to know every single friend personally in real life but at the very least I like to be able to gauge something about who they are and how they think from their profile/likes or if they have courteously messaged me introducing themselves. I freely admit that by now and with experience to back this up, I am not inclined to add people if I am unlikely to indulge their interests or their interest in wanting to add me, so broadly I am unlikely to have anything much to say to male subs, guys openly displaying their genitalia in pictures or those with heavy BDSM Master/Slave inclinations. I do have friends who Switch but I have said all I want to on that now suffice to say I am really only inclined to converse with them when they have a Dom hat on, otherwise I find I get really embarrassed and I’m not comfortable talking about what they do as a sub after they have just said they want to spank me. I am a girl who is a hard wired spanko and being spanked is what interests me, simples…nuff said!
I got asked the other day if I like girls and if I like being spanked by them, or am attracted to them, because if spanking is not sexual to me then why does it matter? I have answered this in an interview as best I could without giving away what is or isn’t sexual for me because it’s a no win. If I say “spanking turns me on” then I have had spankers asking me before if I’m wet and aroused and I find that very awkward as it crosses a line for me if I have no other relationship with the person asking me that. Maybe I’m afraid I will give a wrong signal that may be acted upon innocently by the other person and then find myself having to justify what I really meant. Yes I have had this situation before where I was too honest about what I was enjoying and I got it wrong and wanted the ground to open up so I am more careful now, which in some ways means I am more tense and less relaxed but it has to be that way until such time something exceptional happens to make me change my mind like it would on any vanilla ‘date’ and I can say what I really want and enjoy. The Atomic Kitten song “Whole Again” resonates because feeling whole means I am giving myself up and sharing something I also think is so special I want it to matter, but if I do that and the other person is playing casual mind fuck games with me then its risky territory, as after all people have their own personal boundaries and beliefs that I always respect too.
The truth is I used to hate sex all my life, and spanking was always the only thing that turned me on inside, but something happened to me last year that changed everything and now I feel more at ease with myself because of it. I had vanilla sex on holiday when I was having a great time and with someone I totally had the hots for as soon as we met and it turned out it was mutual, and I was comfortable with him so I came back feeling happy and confident and pleased with myself that I had got rid of a big emotional block in my head. However, I am hugely immature and I stupidly glowed and showed off about it and made a fool of myself like I was in the playground, but to me it was about feeling “whole again”for the first time and it was like losing my real virginity because I no longer felt all wrong, dirty and worthless, but wanted and enjoyed . Of course I have had a few sexual experiences (but not many, abstinence was easier) but I did not really enjoy them and didn’t feel comfortable with the other person in the way I wanted to, or myself, even though I have had some lovely boyfriends and spanking partners in the past few years who I know cared about me and I shared some good sexual fun with very few but only since I felt right about me too. I always felt there was something wrong with me having sex, but now I know there is not at all and it was all in my head. Now when I am being spanked it feels easier to let myself be turned on, but only if I have some kind of chemistry with someone can I still to allow myself to show that, if that makes sense, although I am still always afraid that if I do say too much and the other person doesn’t feel the same way and then I make a fool of myself. I don’t want to let go with anybody I don’t feel right with, or it is wrong to do so because it won’t go anywhere because of circumstance, so of course its easier to keep it to myself anyway until I ever do again.
What I will always say though in any session with anybody is that if I enjoyed what we did I always glow and will say so, I just won’t go into specific personal details about how it affected me unless it is in a warranted situation if that makes sense? I am still vulnerable and scared and need hugs, strong arms and warm words to help me feel safe, but my play motto is just to “stay safe, play safe and have fun” without taking it too seriously, because it keeps me on track and I don’t have to risk anything. I would love to belong and feel wanted and be everyone’s favorite friend or flavour, but I know its safer for me to keep to myself and not have to explain or justify my complex self and feel second class to anyone anymore. I know I am fine, I always knew, that so now I will be fine. I’m tired of being asked about the sex and spanking question for years and about sexuality, and being delved into and dissected by people I hardly know, like I owe it to them to explain myself at all when for all I know they could have all kinds or nasty backgrounds and secret pasts and I often think “who are you anyway?”, and I have to tip-toe around with my reply. Until now I didn’t have an answer so I hope this will say everything now, and if there is anything else I will only ever say it when it matters to people who matter to me in a way I can trust….moving on, i’m done now.
Coming back to female spankers though, I’m not attracted to girls but I like or love them as friends, so being spanked by a girl does not feel the same to me. I have had very few liaisons and close encounters with girls before but they never felt right and I was acting it all out but inside feeling messed up and wanting to run away and never go near anybody ever again of either gender, I just never had sex at all with anyone for most of my life, I couldn’t. That said, I can name one or two women I have totally respected as Dommes and it is because they were in positions of role play authority that I was able to power exchange my submissiveness to them, but it is very rare. I did not find it sexual or indulge myself (which I know people may think is a contradiction as maybe I should be more relaxed with another girl and be able to think only of myself safely) but I still felt inhibited about crossing the ‘spanking and sexual’ line because to me once I show any sort of sexual desire or interest in a scene then I have no way back from that. Maybe I am secretly hoping someone will tell me one day its OK to relax and take out something for me too but I am scared to and most times just go all out to meet their needs. A lot of people I’ve played with don’t have to meet any of my needs anyway as in a professional session it is not for me anyway which is fine, so maybe I have just got so used to that and now its a safety mechanism. So, girls who Domme or Switch are very safe, I have no interest in ever asking a girl to spank me at all but hugs and friendly kisses are fine :)!
Anyway, I had some good sessions with recent friends since I last wrote and in one I put my WRAF uniform on (real one) and had a really fun scene where neither of us knew what the rank names were so we both agreed I was demoted from a Corporal to a Sergeant! Either way I was really pleased I managed to take a lot of strokes with a wide wooden paddle I have as well as some rapid caning, and guess what, once again my bottom went red very quickly again. I also did a great scene recently where I was a housewife disobeying her husband and not wearing the right clothes, so I had to change into my seamed stockings and shortest skirt, kneel before him and hold out canes and give thanks…so it was very DD but with a lot of control and humiliation and took me into some new positions and situations. Here are some pictures to end on as I have rambled a lot tonight and want to save time to upload pictures and post before midnight!